The Handmaiden (Review)

November 1, 2016ByTars Tarkas

The Handmaiden

aka 아가씨 aka Agassi

2016
Written by Park Chan-wook & Chung Seo-kyung
Based on the novel Fingersmith by Sarah Waters
Directed by Park Chan-wook

If you aren’t a fan of Park Chan-wook by now, I’m not sure what it will take to convince you to get out and see The Handmaiden. But if you are one of the millions of his fans around the globe, you know that Park Chan-wook is a force of awesomeness in the movie community, and The Handmaiden continues that tradition of awesome movies from an awesome guy. Basically, run, don’t walk, to the theaters and check out a wonderful psychological thriller. There is a trio of amazing performances by Kim Min-hee, Ha Jung-woo, and newcomer Kim Tae-ri. Sarah Waters’ novel Fingersmith is moved to 1930s occupied Korea, where it still manages to work in a culture of repression and male dominance.

Kim Min-hee is heiress Lady Hideko. Hideko is isolated and lorded over by her cruel uncle, Kouzuki, who covets her money and title. Her mother died in childbirth, and her aunt was found hanging in a tree when she was a child. Hideko never leaves the family estate and her only contact with outsiders is a weekly reading of erotic literature to exclusive guests. If you are familiar with the concept of that literature, some of it is ridiculous, basically the dime store erotic trash novels peppered with flowery poetry and filled with imagery that at times stretches believability that the writers have even interacted with people who have sex. Hideko’s Uncle Kouzuki has designs on becoming a Japanese nobleman despite being neither of those things and Hideko’s money and title his avenue to obtain them. Kouzuki rejects his Korean heritage in an admiration for the occupying Japanese, but his true passion is rare books, specifically the aforementioned erotic literature.

Kim Tae-ri plays Sook-hee, a gifted pickpocket and thief embedded as a handmaiden whose job it is to help convince Hideko to fall for the fake Count Fujiwara (Ha Jung-woo — Assassination). Fujiwara has a knack for making forgeries and is just the thing Hideko’s creepy uncle needs, as he can’t bear to part with any of his rare books, but is perfectly fine with selling off faked replicas of them. This gives Fujiwara the access he needs to scope out Lady Hideko and enact his plan of seduction and asset seizure, enabled by Sook-hee as Hideko’s new handmaiden. And then it is seduction time.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash (Review)

January 30, 2015ByTars Tarkas

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash

2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

How to do a proper bowling stance

Bowling, bikinis, naked chicks, gutterballs, and strikes are brought to us via The Great Bikini Bowling Bash! It’s another softcore production from Synthetic Filmwerx, complete with many of the recurring cast members and much of the same charm. Dean McKendrick writes and directs, and The Great Bikini Bowling Bash shows off having location shooting at an actual bowling alley (!!) and some of the crew popping up as extras for a crowd scene(!!). A few of the crew can be seen in other Synthetic Filmwerx/Retromedia productions from years past.

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash builds off of the tradition of having bikini versions of businesses being created to save the business from nefarious actors, which became a softcore staple with The Bikini Car Wash Company (which gets acknowledged in the film) and has been expanded to include such random softcore titles like Bikini Traffic School, Bikini Model Academy, and Bikini Drive-In. This means we pretty much know the plot, right? Almost, because the titular bikini bowling bash results in only raising a pittance, the real salvation comes during a high-stakes bet that closes out the film. So it’s more like Caddyshack and nothing like The Great Lebowski or Kingpin. I would have liked at least some references to other bowling films, because I’m a guy who likes references to things.

They based that bowling character who tries to seduce Marge Simpson on me, baby!

	Candy (Sophia Bella) – Owns the bowling alley that her father started and ran, though somehow doesn’t own the land it’s on. That leads to trouble that only bowling and wearing a bikini can solve.
	Lucy (Mary Carey) – Friend of Candy and Jenn who hangs out at the bowling alley all the time. Has trouble finding a man.
	Jenn (Krissy Lynn) – Employee at the bowling alley who works the cafe, and is rather bad at bowling. She does excel at attempting to seduce rich guys. Jenn dreams of leaving town to go to the big city.
	Matt (Eric Masterson) – Local bowler who is probably the second or third best bowler to come from the town. He hangs out all day at the bowling alley and longs for Lucy. Helps train the girls to bowl against Troy Smith.
	Frank (Ryan Driller) – Candy’s boyfriend who is in law school. He’s there to assure us that the lease is air tight, so they have to do some crazy schemes to come up with the money to save the place.
	Troy Smith (Frankie Dell) – The most famous bowler in the entire world, who learned to bowl in this very bowling alley. He’s also filthy rich and has his own tv talk show, so Jenn goes to try to “convince” him to help the alley, though his refusal leads to the climactic game.
	Mr. Grabowski (Michael Gaglio) – Candy’s landlord, he’s rather goofy and gets sidetracked into talking about something else before he even finishes a sentence. Is selling out the land the bowling alley is on for a lot of money, with little notice. Which sort of sucks, but it’s just business, I guess.
	Travis (Frankie Cullen) – Lucy’s date she met on the internet, who loses interest as soon as he’s done having sex with her.

Bikinis, bowling, and a bash. The film delivers!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Lolita from Interstellar Space (Review)

September 29, 2014ByTars Tarkas

Lolita from Interstellar Space

2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

This is the USS Vladimir Nabokov, we’re being chased by an unknown vessel and requesting assistance!

Lolita from Interstellar Space is yet another erotic parody softcore feature from Synthetic Filmwerx, complete with science-fiction elements and featuring a load of the familiar actors and song queues you know and love from the Retromedia bunch. Despite the reins being handed over fully to Dean McKendrick, the films are still recognizably from the same production group, and Lolita feels like a comfortable pair of slippers.

An alien comes to Earth to learn all about humanity, and humanity’s favorite pastime – sex! Or killing each other, but that wouldn’t make a good late night cable movie, so that’s all thrown out in favor of the bumping of uglies. A good decision, in my opinion. Who knew that softcore films are more progressive than prime time television?

This film just made a profit!

Lolita from Interstellar Space succeeds in having a group of characters who are flawed but still good people (except for Greg, who is just bad), lending some realism to their portrayals. Sarah, who likes fancy stuff, but likes honesty and not putting up with a bunch of crap more. Joe, who is aimlessly drifting through college, but stays away from dipping into the unscrupulous doings of his friend Greg. Brandy, who enjoys attention but is rather reserved. Lolita isn’t a super smart alien chosen for this unique mission, she’s a screw-up who goes because it’s a last-ditch effort to get a passing grade. And even then, she messes up and has to fix the problems.

This film does raise the question on if the aliens are sending students to different planets all the time for extra credit, and what are the long term consequences of this action? Could thousands of planets in the galaxy be receiving visits from this race in the form of students who are in danger of failing? And where to the advanced students go? Once again, the viewer must answer these questions for themselves. I am fully confident that this will be the main avenue of discussion for Lolita from Interstellar Space, and not the sex scenes. I’m also fully confident you knew I was kidding about that last sentence!

All your insurance covers is hypnotherapy!

You also need to know that Lolita from Interstellar Space is based on the classic tale by Jules Verne! Wait…WHAT??? Damn you, Jules Verne!

	Lolita (Anna Morna) – An alien student whose real name is Lo’Lee-tha (no one pronounces it that way on Earth), she is sent to Earth to learn about humanity to make up for her dismal grades. Lolita learns about humanity and a whole lot more, mostly stuff in the erotic category. Though she probably could have just googled all that.
	Sarah (Christine Nguyen) – A cocktail waitress who likes expensive stuff, but likes responsibility even more. Strong willed. Roommates with Brandy and Joe.
	Brandy (Karlie Montana) – A candy striper at the hospital, enjoys her patients and her roommates, Joe and Sarah. Enjoys Joe a bit more than Sarah.
	Joe (Seth Gamble) – Joe is on his third term as a senior, will he ever graduate? Who knows. He’s a bartender at the same bar Sarah works at, and is friends with Greg.
	Professor Zarren (Nick Manning) – Lo’Lee-tha’s teacher at graduate school, Professor Zarren sets up the special study course that allows her to still earn the credits she needs to finish with a degree. Nick Manning plays Professor Zarren stiffly and like he can’t open his mouth fully, giving him an alien feel. Because he’s an alien.
	Greg (Chad White) – Greg is Sarah’s no-good boyfriend, who lost his job while cheating on her (thus hasn’t told her that he’s fired), spends money he doesn’t have on her, then cheaps out and renegs on promises to her. Also, he’s a jerk, if you haven’t picked up on that yet.
	Mr. Reynolds (Alec Knight) – A patient at the hospital who hits on Brandy, because he’s so bored lying in a bed all day.

I think she knows we’re only in this chemistry class to learn how to break bad!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Sexy Warriors (Review)

August 8, 2014ByTars Tarkas

Sexy Warriors

2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

I’m so fancy!

Sexy Warriors brings the Amazonian women of the Isle of Lesbos into the modern day, where two time travelers experience the modern world while on their respective quests. As usual for Bikini–>Retromedia–>Synthetic Filmwerx productions, things are a lot of fun and plenty of goofy stuff happens along the way.

Hey, put away the phallic symbol, we got enough subtext already!

There is plenty in this film to love. Things I am specifically glad about: The lesbian character Rita doesn’t get “turned” into a non-lesbian by having sex with one of the males. That there is a black character at all (rare as heck for a softcore film!) That the personal protection mentioned by Gail is mace and not a gun. That this is the only softcore I’ve even heard people discussing safe sex.

Any one of those things could be turned into a whole paragraph of praise by itself, but the combination is a win for everyone everywhere! All those points are things that make Sexy Warriors different from many of its contemporaries, even those from the same production house. Everyone is on point with the acting. Christine Nguyen fits right into the unsure girlfriend/mentor role, Jazy Berlin makes a hilarious fish out of water Amazon, Voodoo plays an arrogant loudmouth almost too well, Erica Jordan has fun playing the stern Amazonian lady, and Misty Stone better become a regular in these films after her awesome performance. It was also great to see cool dude Brandon Ruckdashel and cool dude Ted Newsom, even if both had little to do.

Take that, inanimate carbon rod!

Diana and Athena come from different Amazon tribes: Diana is from the River Tribe, while Athena is Queen of the Mountain Tribe. The Mountain Tribe looks down on the River Folk, and are the presumed rulers of the Isle. This adds a culture conflict to the already differing goals of the two ladies. Athena always tries to assert her will over others, only going along with Rita and Mark’s plans because Rita is a woman, and summarily taking it over once she’s on television. She agrees to Gail’s solution for the conflict, both due to Gail being a woman, and because it involves not having lots of men around, thus leaving the culture still in control. Athena achieves her goals, while Diana acquires an acceptable substitute for her people’s wants. Everyone ends up happy, it’s a wonder the Amazonians aren’t still around. Maybe they are, lying in wait, preparing to strike the world when we least expect it. Which would be right after a movie features them. So…Look out!

I just realized! We’re in a movie, none of this is real!

	Diana (Jazy Berlin) – Amazonian fighter from the River Tribe, is on a quest to help her people and becomes displaced in time. Now she must survive modern day Los Angeles all while experiencing all sorts of new sensations and avoiding her rival, Athena.
	Athena (Erika Jordan) – The Queen of the Mountain Tribe and vehemently anti-men. Follows Diana through time to stop her on her quest. Is focused on her mission, and becomes annoyed as she’s relegated to the sideshow.
	Gail (Christine Nguyen) – Owner of a semi-successful gym who is obsessed with ancient warrior ladies. Is sort of dating Eric, but things aren’t officially exclusive yet, thus she dabbles in several other characters. Finds Diana when she materializes in her gym, and shows her the ropes of modern society.
	Mark (Voodoo as Alex Boisvert) – Loudmouth gym patron who gets an idea to become filthy rich by exploiting Athena, but just ends up having filthy sex by the end.
	Rita (Misty Stone) – Gym patron who likes the ladies. She teams up with Mark to try to exploit Athena for monetary gain, but regrets the decision and leaves. Can more than keep up with Mark’s quick mouth.
	Eric (Brandon Ruckdashel) – Gail’s boyfriend who is in the middle of a bunch of stuff and trying to think through how their relationship should be. But he realizes he needs her.
	Mario (Alec Knight) – Friend of Gail who is into touching strange women inappropriately. He’s also really into women making him breakfast.
	Morty (Ted Newsom) – Morty is one of the most watched television hosts in history. Or at least by people who are relevant to the plot! Has Athena on his show, where she puts out the call to locate Diana.

Look, let’s argue about which Police Academy sequel was the best later, it’s time for dinner! Also, it was definitely Police Academy 3: Back in Training!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Stacked Racks from Mars (Review)

August 6, 2014ByTars Tarkas

Stacked Racks from Mars

2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

They got all this way before they realized they left Grandpa back at the gas station!

Earth is once again the target of alien conquest and alien lust in Stacked Racks from Mars! Invading aliens are always coming to Earth with plans to invade, and plans to have fun shore leaves, which almost always result in the aliens choosing not to invade. If there’s one thing humans are known for in the galaxy, it’s fucking anything and everything that comes to Earth. ALF, ET, Predator, Mac – they all pulled in tons of tail! Where do you think Disney gets the raw components for their latest generation of kids from?

Oh, forget the plot, let’s just make out!

Stacked Racks from Mars is another femalien invasion movie where alien ladies possess the bodies of Earth ladies and proceed to go on a sex spree. This time, the ladies specifically say they were conscious the entire time while the aliens use their bodies to have sex with random people. However, they don’t seem to be shocked at all by the experience of being possessed and coerced into situations of rape, and are instead more mad at their husbands, who have sex with the alien women. That’s a neat trick to try to dismiss the fact the women are being raped, and unfortunately I have to give demerits to Stacked Racks from Mars because I’ve never been comfortable with these scenes, and prefer everyone being totally down with getting down. At least this time the women are freed, unlike in Housewives from Another World, where they are trapped forever while the aliens control their bodies.

Stacked Racks from Mars is cartoonish in nature, with several scenes that are played up for ridiculousness. The ending especially, which gives off Benny Hill vibes and deflates what should be more serious repercussions. If you miss that spaceship set that gets used a lot in low-budget features, it makes a reappearance, complete with a sex scene on the table. All the other classic Retromedia/Synthetic Filmwerx stuff is present, from the usual core cast (with a few newbies) to the familiar music.

Wait, sex with aliens causes impotency???

	Vala 27 (Erika Jordan) – Experienced commander of infiltration and invasion missions for her empire. Despite her battle-hardened persona, still likes to engage in pleasures of the flesh in the local fashion.
	Isis 15 (Christie Stevens) – Fellow female alien conqueror. Is very interested in the pornographic transmissions of the Earth creatures. This is her first conquest/recon mission.
	Veronica (Beverly Lynne) – Customer service representative at Merton Products. Is married to Jim. Upset that her husband is always working on the weekends. Is possessed by Vala.
	Stephanie (Sophia Bella) – Fellow employee at Merton Products. Is married to Mike. Also upset that her husband is always working on the weekends. Is possessed by Isis.
	Jim (Voodoo as Alex Boisvert) – Drone worker at Merton Products who is always busy on the weekends at work, but he’s really busy doing something mysterious with Mike. Married to Veronica. Very bad at hiding, and at acting calm.
	Mike (Seth Gamble) – Drone worker at Merton Products who is always busy on the weekends at work, but he’s really busy doing something mysterious with Jim. Very good at hiding, but not at acting calm.
	Mr. D’Angelo (Ryan Driller) – Arrogant boss at Merton Products who doesn’t respect his workers, their wives, or potential HR and lawsuit problems that come with sleeping with the wife of an employee who is also an employee.

But we have no shelves, how can we stack?

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Sexy Wives Sindrome (Review)

July 18, 2014ByTars Tarkas

Sexy Wives Sindrome

2011
Written by Steve Goldenberg
Directed by Jim Wynorski (as Sam Pepperman)

Let’s do all the Seven Deadly Sindromes!

Sexy Wives Sindrome IS a Jim Wynorski joint, baby! So it follows all the Wynorski touches that make his films unique, from camera angles that peer around womens’ bustlines to characters acknowledging the camera. That also means we got a whole host of Roobie Breastnut songs making up the soundtrack (and, yes, Pussy Pussy Bang Bang IS in the film!) Additional music is also done by Chuck Cirino, as some of the scenes that use a score to help enhance the mood or are more serious just wouldn’t play right with Roobie Breastnut songs blaring.

The core of Sexy Wives Sindrome is relationship therapists who conduct unorthodox fantasy solutions to couples’ problems, which usually involve a lot of sex, and usually involve the therapist herself in a lot of the sex. You would think this would be a gross violation of ethical practices and cause a whole host of legal issues, but it turns out things are even more weird and bizarre than you could possibly imagine, yet the solution also resolves all the lingering problems. I think it’s hilarious how everything worked out in the end, and how the conclusion basically destroys any long ethical argument I could bring up, hence there won’t really be one for this review. I know, I know, you are all disappointed. You better hope the next one doesn’t have a game-changing twist!

What do you mean there isn’t a fireplace, only a big microwave???

There is plenty of pseudopsychological mumbo jumbo going on to justify some of the relationship issues. It basically boils down to couples loving each other and trying to keep things interesting for each other. You could argue that letting other people into relationships can potentially cause lots of drama, but let’s face it, these couples are all pretty much swingers anyway, so they know the score.

Coffee is the real sexy sindrome!

The title Sexy Wives Sindrome comes from the made up syndrome discovered by one of the characters about how men become afraid of their attractive wives because they are so attractive and the men just can’t handle the possibility of losing them. None of that is really worked into the relationships in the film, but it’s the title so it’s important.

But enough about your Psych 101 class, it’s time for the Roll Call!

Side effects include anal black tar discharge???

	Dr. Anderson / Jane Grabowski (Julie K. Smith) – Please don’t reveal the secret of Dr. Anderson really being Jane Grabowski! Okay, the secret’s out. Not like it wasn’t 100% obvious, Dr. Anderson didn’t even have a first name!! Works at the sex clinic, has a libido set to ludicrous speed!
	Nurse Kayla Belmont (Cindy Lucas) – Nurse and general office organizer at the clinic, spends the majority of her time having sex with the patients or the doctors.
	Mark Reed (Frankie Cullen) – Married to Diana, a boring stockbroker who loves his wife, so of course they are having problems.
	Diana Reed (Erika Jordan) – Married to Mark, worried about her relationship because Mark really loves her.
	Professor Jones (Michael Swan) – Owns the clinic where all the on getting gets on. Wrote the book on SWS – Sexy Wives Sindrome – thus the title pun is his fault! Get him!
	Shug Fisher (Tony Marino) – Oh, that guy.
	Lucy Saunders (Angie Savage) – One of the wives looking to improve her marriage at the clinic. Gets into fights with Mandy, because, why not?
	Mandy (Rebecca Love) – One of the wives looking to improve her marriage at the clinic. Is using a polar bear fantasy, according to the doctors. We actually see her having sex, but no polar bear is involved. Hmmm…
	John Saunders (TJ Cummings) – Lucy’s husband who is helping improve his marriage at the clinic.
	Mrs. Berg (Glori-Anne Gilbert) – Wife helping to improve her marriage with blindfold narration roleplay.
	Mr. Berg (Frank Harper) – Husband helping to improve his marriage with blindfold narration roleplay.
	Carol McGuire (Diana Terranova) – Murdered woman seen only in flashbacks.
	Scuzzy Guy (G. Gordon Baer) – Hides in the bushes spying on the Reeds, he works for Professor Jones.

Which one is the sexy wife, and which one is the sindrome?

	The Actual Weirdest Giant Monster Movies Ever Made
	Superman (Telugu)
	The 113 Must See Flicks From the American Film Market 2013
	Sweet Prudence & the Erotic Adventure of Bigfoot
	March of Godzilla Island
	Let the Bullets Fly
	I Married a Monster From Outer Space
	“They Look Like They Make Sense, Don’t They?” – A Reassessment of Prometheus
	James Band 007