Gwangong vs Alien – 關公大戰外星人 – is a short film that looks awesome and features a giant robot, an alien, and Guan Yu. Who you might remember fought aliens before. And now we got a 30 second trailer, and it looks ridiculous and awesome. Ridiculously awesome. It better be! Or heads will roll… Alien heads…
There is not much in English about G.V.A. yet (yes, that abbreviation is used by the director), but if you can read Chinese, here you go.
aka Choi San Har Jan aka 財神客棧 aka God of Fortune Inn 2011 Directed by Wong Jing and Corey Yuen Kwai
Written by Wong Jing
Wong Jing scores with Treasure Inn, a blend of action and comedy with just the right ratio for a pleasant viewing experience. Like most Wong Jing movies, Treasure Inn borrows from a variety of sources, the most obvious are the classic King Hu wuxia films that revolve around inns (Dragon Gate Inn, The Fate of Lee Khan, and even A Touch of Zen) Jing makes the most of the sweeping desert landscape and the cinematography and nature shots are among his best work. Jing wisely brought in Corey Yuen Kwai (DOA: Dead or Alive, So Close) to direct the action sequences, giving them the fanciful look that Yuen brings to his projects. But before we get to the inn, we have the journey along the way.
At this point, I’m no longer impressed by opening credits animated in Flash. Luckily, the credits are quickly over, and we jump into the film proper as good guys are slaughtered and villains strike a deal. But let’s meet the cast!
Liu Jianmeng aka Young Master (Nicholas Tse Ting-Fung) – An apprentice cop stuck on laundry and cook duty while the incompetent bully actual police bumble their way through life. Young Master was taught kung fu by his grandfather, who taught him speed is the most important aspect and that true love is worth sacrificing for. Nicholas Tse has been on TarsTarkas.NET in The Promise.
Chen Yungren aka Brad (Nick Cheung Ka-Fai) – Young Master’s whiney friend and partner. Brad has big buck teeth that he’s shockingly using the entire film and not just for a throwaway gag. As the comic relief, Brad is usually horribly injured. Yes, this film has two actors named Nick as the two leads.
Lady Water Dragon (Charlene Choi Cheuk-Yin) – Lady Water Dragon and her sister are reward scammers and thieves. Lady Water Dragon falls instantly in love with Young Master upon seeing him in the prison cell. No one would believe for one second she is a dude, especially with the tiny Hitler ‘stache she’s sporting. Charlene Choi is also here in Protege De La Rose Noire, Beauty on Duty, and Hidden Heroes.
Lady Fire Dragon (Crystal Huang Yi) – Lady Water Dragon’s sister, who winds up with Brad, and the contrast of the two characters’ personalities gives us many moments of merriment. A tough chick not taken to falling in love at first sight to a random guy in jail. Is just as unconvincing disguised as a man.
Wen Wenqie (Tong Dawei) – A wandering doctor who is probably asleep in the ceiling of your house as you read this! Is an expert in kung fu, though always tries the peaceful path first. Wen Wenqie is in love with Yue Linglong.
Yue Linglong (Liu Yang) – Owner of Treasure Inn and badass swordswoman and dancer. Object of Wen Wenqie’s affection, and even Young Master becomes smitten with her. Some of her anctics reminded me of Moulin Rouge, though I don’t know if it was intentional.
Captain Iron (Kenny Ho Ga-Ging) – leader of the Gold Shield Constables, tracking the villain who stole the White Jade Goddess statue and trying to keep Young Master and Brad from getting the villains before he does.
aka Sing gum zhook kao aka 少女足球 2003 Directed by Dick Lau Tin-Sze
Warning, this movie has a lot of puns. A lot of bad puns. A lot of bad puns that don’t translate well so things might sound weird. Just go with it!
Hong Kong Category III sex films have gotten cheaper and cheaper. Sexy Soccer represents a last gasp of actual money in a production, films post-2003 seem to be done for 1/10th of the cost of this film. Sexy Soccer sees such things as extras, location shooting, and characters that number more than five. This is from Dick Lau Tin-Sze’s company (probably an alias), and the films he produced decreased in quality and used many of the same actors. It’s like watching them go from real movies down to community theater to dinner theater.
But it’s so damn awful! My goodness, so awful… A large portion of the film comprises of these girls playing soccer, and it’s obviously that they spent more time filming these scenes than the entirety of gym classes during their school years. Bumbling around the soccer field is not believable, but that’s not really the point of the film. The point of the film seems to be watching Matthew Ng Ting get it on with a variety of girls. As Matthew Ng Ting is not very attractive, the film treating him like some sort of lust-inducing superstud is laughable. The situations, the contrived plot, and the weird asides all add up to a wacky film. But at least it is somewhat entertaining. You do wonder what sort of weird thing will happen next. It’s…odd. And since some other films made soon after are just wretchedly bad, Sexy Soccer deserves more praise than it’s going to get. But it’s so damn awful!
The music is not bad, but I like surf music. If you don’t like surf music, than the soundtrack of the film will drive you bonkers! Actors credited that don’t seem to be in any other film include Tong Tong, Cheung Wing, Kam Bing-Man, and Siu Yau. Just which of them are which actresses/actors, I don’t know. And if any of the ??? actresses below show up in other films, again, I don’t know. We’re just chock full o’ knowledge here at TarsTarkas.NET!
Rolando Lo (Matthew Ng Ting) – Rolando is a soccer coach who just can’t win. Until he comes up with an idea to win win win. Also he has sex with like 5000 women in a matter of days. Imagine how many STDs this dude has. Matthew Ng Ting appeared out of nowhere to suddenly star in close to 25 Cat III sex films, then vanish just as quickly. Probably in a dumpster. A sex dumpster!
Pulls (Carmen Yeung Ga-Man) – Pulls has cotton balls in her mouth for some reason, I guess to make her more whiny or something. Odd character choice, but let’s go with it! Carmen Yeung Ga-Man was in a whole slew of Cat III films for a few years (including Sex and the Central), then suddenly disappeared, then suddenly reappeared as a singer, and was even linked to Eric Tsang in the tabloids. She has disappeared again.
Nina (Au-Yeung Hoi-Suen) – Nina gives Rolando the idea to get a team full of bouncy girls to distract the other soccer players. She even agrees to join his team if he finds someone else to be on it. That random promise put her down a road to becoming a soccer superstar. Au-Yeung Hoi-Suen/Vinny Ouyang was in a few random Cat III films during the first half of the Aughts. This was probably the best one of the lot. She also shows up briefly in Drink, Drank, Drunk before vanishing into obscurity.
Little Twin (???) – The legendary Rolling Queen of bowling. You may have heard of her, she’s very famous. You haven’t heard of Little Twin? You must be new around here, then! Kingpin was based on her life. And then Little Twin decided after a battle of riddles to conquer the world of soccer. Look out, soccer!
Big Twin (???) – The pool playing sister of the family, who is obviously related to Little Twin. I’m convinced the same actress played both parts and the scenes were achieved with digital trickery! That actress? Lindsay Lohan!
Ironan (Grace Lam Nga-Si) – Ironan? Was her name supposed to be Ironman? Iron-Nan? Iron on? Who know? In any event, she’s an auto mechanic recruited to the team as a goalie.
Mysterious Bonus Player (???) – Mysterious Bonus Player shows up in the background of a few of the soccer matches, rounding out the Friendly Balls team. But just who is she? Why does she only have one line? Why does actress Au-Yeung Hoi-Suen shove her out of the shot for one scene? These are the mysteries that try men’s souls.
aka 猛男滾死隊 2011 Written and directed by Wong Jing
Ever get tired of the non-stop sugar sweetness of the Hong Kong New Years comedies where everyone gets married and lives happily ever after? Well, don’t worry, because Wong Jing is here to throw a dose of jaded bitterness all over the institution of marriage with Men Suddenly in Love! Cheating, seduction, treachery, plotting, conspiracies, the game of thrones that is marriage in Wong Jing land is all laid bare before you. And despite the bad message, the film has some entertaining parts, but not enough to keep me happy.
The title references the similarly toned Men Suddenly In Black (2003), though where In Black shines in it’s unique portrait of marriage, In Love seems like a hollow copy, half-hearted in its conspiracies, too focused on setting up random scenarios than coalescing everything into a major narrative. Though probably done to get around the filming schedules of the stars, there are few scenes where everyone is together. It’s more like a series of stories that randomly intersect.
If you love films where hot lang mo models want to get with old old dudes, then you will love Men Suddenly In Love. If you aren’t an old dude, then you probably are rolling your eyes (if you are an old dude, you are probably combing your hair, anticipating hot models to come wandering in your room any moment!) The irony of these new models is some of the wives they are replacing were once considered the hotties of the Hong Kong cinema world, though said hotties were less likely to be strutting around in a bikini or bras for their films.
The main characters are a group of guys who over the years were students of a teacher named Master Jude, who reunite to celebrate the 80th birthday of Master Jude. Each guy has gone on to a life of success thanks to the teachings of Master Jude, and though they are married, the marriages have their own flaws and levels of dissatisfaction. These different men of different ages and different class years at school are also portrayed as deep friends solely due to their bond with Master Jude, though it is not explained why they hang out together despite the large age differences..
Master Jude (Richard Ng Yiu-Hon) – A great teacher and inspiration for the young males at his school, Master Jude’s greatest students get together to celebrate his 80th birthday. Dies in the first third of the film, but don’t worry, he’s soon back as Master Jude the White. On his deathbed, makes the students present promise that when they have sex with the models to call out his name.
York Ng (Eric Tsang Chi-Wai) – A reactionary politician. His wife is Hillary Lau (Maggie Cheung Hoh-Yee), a busy lawyer, she has no time for sex, and York must fill out application for time. Has an affair with Tina Ma (Chrissie Chau Sau-Na)
Claude Cheung (Jim Chim Sui-Man) – A dedicated actor, immerses himself in his craft. His latest flick is Ip Man vs Haunted Echoes of the Rainbow Has to pretend that his wife Sze (Harriet Yeung Sze-Man) is his cousin for professional reason. Has an affair with Audrey Or (Jessica Xu/Jessica Tsui)
Sam Fu (Wong Jing) – A gyneologist who tries to be good. His wife is Nana Lam (Monica Chan Fat-Yung), who is too busy watching tv or complaining about itchy beards Has an affair with Peril Ngai (Caroline Chu Yulin/Caroline Zhu)
Keith Szeto (Chapman To Man-Chat) – A medium, psychic, ghostbuster, fung shui master, all that jazz. So is his wife, who is even more famous than him, Du-Gu Ling Ling (played by famous Hong Kong medium Mak Ling-Ling). There is never an astrological suitable day to have sex! Has an affair with Jeanne (Carol Yeung Tsz-Yiu)
Charlie Lam (Det Di Yee-Tat) – Runs a dance studio. His wife Nancy Chan (Jacqueline Chong Si-Man) is a jealous gangster girl who also has her gangster brother staying in their bedroom at the foot of the bed criticizing their lovemaking technique. Has an affair with Eleven (Betrys Kong Yi)
The Legend of the White Snake lives again in movie form with the upcoming The Sorcerer and the White Snake (白蛇傳說), which hits theaters in China in September. The Legend of the White Snake is a story older than writing, and has been the basis for countless stories, books, operas, tv shows, and films. The version probably most familiar in the west is Tsui Hark’s 1993 Green Snake, with Maggie Cheung and Joey Wong. White Snake and Green Snake are two snakes that have taken human female form, and the basic story usually involves White Snake and a young scholar falling in love, until a monk comes along and throws White Snake into a well. Later versions sometimes change things to a more happy ending.
The Sorcerer and the White Snake has Jet Li as the Monk Fa Hai, and it will feature many martial arts battles. Eva Huang is White Snake, and Charlene Choi is Green Snake. The scholar Xu Xian is Raymond Lam, and the Monk’s understudy is played by Wen Zhang. Several others have been cast as various demon characters, including Jiang Wu as Turtle Devil, Vivian Hsu as Snow Goblin, Miriam Yeung as Rabbit Devil, Chapman To as Toad Monster and Lam Suet as Chicken Devil. So it will be a huge zoo of fairy monster people!
The Sorcerer and the White Snake has had a few English titles, originally Madame White Snake and then It’s Love. But It’s Love is a lame name, thus the distributor changed it to The Sorcerer and the White Snake to pull in Harry Potter fans. I’m kidding, they actually did it to get fans of the Sorcerer’s Apprentice franchise! But will it have the “mocha mocha” song? Because you need the “mocha mocha” song!
Ching Siu-tung (1987’s A Chinese Ghost Story) directs.
The Ip Man story is being told once again, this time Wong Kar-Wai takes a spin on the Ip train with The Grandmastrs (一代宗師). Tony Leung Chiu-Wai is Ip Man, and he trained two years for this role. Zhang Ziyi also stars. You will believe a man can fight in the rain while wearing a hat!
