The Great Bikini Bowling Bash (Review)

January 30, 2015ByTars Tarkas

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash

2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

How to do a proper bowling stance

Bowling, bikinis, naked chicks, gutterballs, and strikes are brought to us via The Great Bikini Bowling Bash! It’s another softcore production from Synthetic Filmwerx, complete with many of the recurring cast members and much of the same charm. Dean McKendrick writes and directs, and The Great Bikini Bowling Bash shows off having location shooting at an actual bowling alley (!!) and some of the crew popping up as extras for a crowd scene(!!). A few of the crew can be seen in other Synthetic Filmwerx/Retromedia productions from years past.

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash builds off of the tradition of having bikini versions of businesses being created to save the business from nefarious actors, which became a softcore staple with The Bikini Car Wash Company (which gets acknowledged in the film) and has been expanded to include such random softcore titles like Bikini Traffic School, Bikini Model Academy, and Bikini Drive-In. This means we pretty much know the plot, right? Almost, because the titular bikini bowling bash results in only raising a pittance, the real salvation comes during a high-stakes bet that closes out the film. So it’s more like Caddyshack and nothing like The Great Lebowski or Kingpin. I would have liked at least some references to other bowling films, because I’m a guy who likes references to things.

They based that bowling character who tries to seduce Marge Simpson on me, baby!

	Candy (Sophia Bella) – Owns the bowling alley that her father started and ran, though somehow doesn’t own the land it’s on. That leads to trouble that only bowling and wearing a bikini can solve.
	Lucy (Mary Carey) – Friend of Candy and Jenn who hangs out at the bowling alley all the time. Has trouble finding a man.
	Jenn (Krissy Lynn) – Employee at the bowling alley who works the cafe, and is rather bad at bowling. She does excel at attempting to seduce rich guys. Jenn dreams of leaving town to go to the big city.
	Matt (Eric Masterson) – Local bowler who is probably the second or third best bowler to come from the town. He hangs out all day at the bowling alley and longs for Lucy. Helps train the girls to bowl against Troy Smith.
	Frank (Ryan Driller) – Candy’s boyfriend who is in law school. He’s there to assure us that the lease is air tight, so they have to do some crazy schemes to come up with the money to save the place.
	Troy Smith (Frankie Dell) – The most famous bowler in the entire world, who learned to bowl in this very bowling alley. He’s also filthy rich and has his own tv talk show, so Jenn goes to try to “convince” him to help the alley, though his refusal leads to the climactic game.
	Mr. Grabowski (Michael Gaglio) – Candy’s landlord, he’s rather goofy and gets sidetracked into talking about something else before he even finishes a sentence. Is selling out the land the bowling alley is on for a lot of money, with little notice. Which sort of sucks, but it’s just business, I guess.
	Travis (Frankie Cullen) – Lucy’s date she met on the internet, who loses interest as soon as he’s done having sex with her.

Bikinis, bowling, and a bash. The film delivers!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Lolita from Interstellar Space (Review)

September 29, 2014ByTars Tarkas

Lolita from Interstellar Space

2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

This is the USS Vladimir Nabokov, we’re being chased by an unknown vessel and requesting assistance!

Lolita from Interstellar Space is yet another erotic parody softcore feature from Synthetic Filmwerx, complete with science-fiction elements and featuring a load of the familiar actors and song queues you know and love from the Retromedia bunch. Despite the reins being handed over fully to Dean McKendrick, the films are still recognizably from the same production group, and Lolita feels like a comfortable pair of slippers.

An alien comes to Earth to learn all about humanity, and humanity’s favorite pastime – sex! Or killing each other, but that wouldn’t make a good late night cable movie, so that’s all thrown out in favor of the bumping of uglies. A good decision, in my opinion. Who knew that softcore films are more progressive than prime time television?

This film just made a profit!

Lolita from Interstellar Space succeeds in having a group of characters who are flawed but still good people (except for Greg, who is just bad), lending some realism to their portrayals. Sarah, who likes fancy stuff, but likes honesty and not putting up with a bunch of crap more. Joe, who is aimlessly drifting through college, but stays away from dipping into the unscrupulous doings of his friend Greg. Brandy, who enjoys attention but is rather reserved. Lolita isn’t a super smart alien chosen for this unique mission, she’s a screw-up who goes because it’s a last-ditch effort to get a passing grade. And even then, she messes up and has to fix the problems.

This film does raise the question on if the aliens are sending students to different planets all the time for extra credit, and what are the long term consequences of this action? Could thousands of planets in the galaxy be receiving visits from this race in the form of students who are in danger of failing? And where to the advanced students go? Once again, the viewer must answer these questions for themselves. I am fully confident that this will be the main avenue of discussion for Lolita from Interstellar Space, and not the sex scenes. I’m also fully confident you knew I was kidding about that last sentence!

All your insurance covers is hypnotherapy!

You also need to know that Lolita from Interstellar Space is based on the classic tale by Jules Verne! Wait…WHAT??? Damn you, Jules Verne!

	Lolita (Anna Morna) – An alien student whose real name is Lo’Lee-tha (no one pronounces it that way on Earth), she is sent to Earth to learn about humanity to make up for her dismal grades. Lolita learns about humanity and a whole lot more, mostly stuff in the erotic category. Though she probably could have just googled all that.
	Sarah (Christine Nguyen) – A cocktail waitress who likes expensive stuff, but likes responsibility even more. Strong willed. Roommates with Brandy and Joe.
	Brandy (Karlie Montana) – A candy striper at the hospital, enjoys her patients and her roommates, Joe and Sarah. Enjoys Joe a bit more than Sarah.
	Joe (Seth Gamble) – Joe is on his third term as a senior, will he ever graduate? Who knows. He’s a bartender at the same bar Sarah works at, and is friends with Greg.
	Professor Zarren (Nick Manning) – Lo’Lee-tha’s teacher at graduate school, Professor Zarren sets up the special study course that allows her to still earn the credits she needs to finish with a degree. Nick Manning plays Professor Zarren stiffly and like he can’t open his mouth fully, giving him an alien feel. Because he’s an alien.
	Greg (Chad White) – Greg is Sarah’s no-good boyfriend, who lost his job while cheating on her (thus hasn’t told her that he’s fired), spends money he doesn’t have on her, then cheaps out and renegs on promises to her. Also, he’s a jerk, if you haven’t picked up on that yet.
	Mr. Reynolds (Alec Knight) – A patient at the hospital who hits on Brandy, because he’s so bored lying in a bed all day.

I think she knows we’re only in this chemistry class to learn how to break bad!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Atomic Hotel Erotica (Review)

September 26, 2014ByTars Tarkas

Atomic Hotel Erotica

2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

Check it out, I told this telemarketer my name was Mr. Butts and now he keeps saying “Mr. Butts”!

A seemingly innocent hotel turns out to be the home of secret Satanists out to steal your soul in Atomic Hotel Erotica! There is also some drama about rival engineers after a big bonus and marital strife, but as that has little to do with worshiping Satan, let’s put that on the back burner for now.

Strangely, the film that Atomic Hotel Erotica might be closest to spiritually is Manos The Hands of Fate. Both feature a strange hotel with a mysterious master and guests that check in but don’t check out. Or maybe the closest relation is a roach motel. Or maybe the Hotel California, that hotel that you can never leave.

You seriously thought Beanie Babies would put your kids through college?

Remember that old believe by some tribes that taking a photograph would steal their souls and everyone laughed and felt culturally superior? Well, the smug is on the other foot here as souls are stolen using a camera! Dun dun DUN!

The hotel in Atomic Hotel Erotica is actually named Atomic Hotel Erotica, complete with sign that is totally not a cgi sign in front of someone’s house. The rooms look like they were decorated by children in the 1950s, and nothing has been updated since then, which fits in with the name of the hotel.

As Atomic Hotel Erotica is a softcore flick from Synthetic Filmwerx, it features a lot of the things we’ve come to expect from a Retromedia production. The familiar songs, familiar sets, and familiar casts. Heck, besides the mains, there are photograph cameos from Christine Nguyen, Voodoo, Chad White, and Karlie Montana!

Cowboys and rayguns? Perhaps this room is a commentary of how the space age destroyed the wild west in the hearts of children everywhere?

The plot is a bit thin and the film is caught trying to compensate for the tiny budget and cast, which keeps it from exploring just what is going on too deeply. This leaves things unsatisfied when the film does conclude, dropping Atomic Hotel Erotica down a bit in the rankings. The cast tries to make up for it, but are unable to work miracles. While disappointing, there are still a few things to like about Atomic Hotel Erotica, and plenty of speculative questions that only TarsTarkas.NET will be bold enough to inquire about the plot, as everyone else is just here for the nude people doing nude things to each other.

	Rob (Ryan Driller) – Rob is married to Laura, and works hard for his family, though that means working long hours and somehow not making much money despite being a programmer in years where they are seeing record salaries. Gets invited to the Atomic Hotel Erotica seemingly at random.
	Laura (Krissy Lynn) – Married to Rob. Laura spends almost the entire film complaining. When she’s not doing that, she’s cheating on Rob. But she still loves him, she just wants more out of life than staying home while bored.
	Jason (Frankie Dell) – Works with Rob at the programming office, even sharing cubical space. Both are aiming to get a big bonus from work, Jason plans to steal Rob’s work and get the credit. If they worked together, they’d get done in like a day and still have a hefty bonus, but that requires not being jerks.
	Elena (Sophia Bella) – Married to Jason and approving of his nefarious theft schemes. Makes her husband late to work with all their sex having.
	Grismer (Michael Gaglio) – Grismer is the caretaker of the Atomic Hotel Erotica, and is secretly up to no good, which is obvious from the get-go. He lures in unsuspecting souls, and doesn’t stick to just a list of dumb people like he should have.
	Wilfred (Frankie Cullen) – The loyal butler for Grismer at the Atomic Hotel Erotica. Wilfred is not that gentle with bags, it’s almost as if being a butler is some sort of cover for what he’s really up to. The ladies love him like they love all butlers. It’s a fact, Jack!
	Susan (Mary Carey) – A stripper that Vince convinced to go along with him on his free vacation.
	Vince (Eric Masterson) – A Texan who got invited to the Atomic Hotel Erotica, and had to quickly find a date. It’s interesting to see how Eric Masterson has been stretching his acting muscles, before as a geeky nerd and now as a Texan with one of the most exaggerated Southern drawls you’ve ever heard.

How can you see anything with the sun’s glare shining right on the screen?

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Sexy Warriors (Review)

August 8, 2014ByTars Tarkas

Sexy Warriors

2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

I’m so fancy!

Sexy Warriors brings the Amazonian women of the Isle of Lesbos into the modern day, where two time travelers experience the modern world while on their respective quests. As usual for Bikini–>Retromedia–>Synthetic Filmwerx productions, things are a lot of fun and plenty of goofy stuff happens along the way.

Hey, put away the phallic symbol, we got enough subtext already!

There is plenty in this film to love. Things I am specifically glad about: The lesbian character Rita doesn’t get “turned” into a non-lesbian by having sex with one of the males. That there is a black character at all (rare as heck for a softcore film!) That the personal protection mentioned by Gail is mace and not a gun. That this is the only softcore I’ve even heard people discussing safe sex.

Any one of those things could be turned into a whole paragraph of praise by itself, but the combination is a win for everyone everywhere! All those points are things that make Sexy Warriors different from many of its contemporaries, even those from the same production house. Everyone is on point with the acting. Christine Nguyen fits right into the unsure girlfriend/mentor role, Jazy Berlin makes a hilarious fish out of water Amazon, Voodoo plays an arrogant loudmouth almost too well, Erica Jordan has fun playing the stern Amazonian lady, and Misty Stone better become a regular in these films after her awesome performance. It was also great to see cool dude Brandon Ruckdashel and cool dude Ted Newsom, even if both had little to do.

Take that, inanimate carbon rod!

Diana and Athena come from different Amazon tribes: Diana is from the River Tribe, while Athena is Queen of the Mountain Tribe. The Mountain Tribe looks down on the River Folk, and are the presumed rulers of the Isle. This adds a culture conflict to the already differing goals of the two ladies. Athena always tries to assert her will over others, only going along with Rita and Mark’s plans because Rita is a woman, and summarily taking it over once she’s on television. She agrees to Gail’s solution for the conflict, both due to Gail being a woman, and because it involves not having lots of men around, thus leaving the culture still in control. Athena achieves her goals, while Diana acquires an acceptable substitute for her people’s wants. Everyone ends up happy, it’s a wonder the Amazonians aren’t still around. Maybe they are, lying in wait, preparing to strike the world when we least expect it. Which would be right after a movie features them. So…Look out!

I just realized! We’re in a movie, none of this is real!

	Diana (Jazy Berlin) – Amazonian fighter from the River Tribe, is on a quest to help her people and becomes displaced in time. Now she must survive modern day Los Angeles all while experiencing all sorts of new sensations and avoiding her rival, Athena.
	Athena (Erika Jordan) – The Queen of the Mountain Tribe and vehemently anti-men. Follows Diana through time to stop her on her quest. Is focused on her mission, and becomes annoyed as she’s relegated to the sideshow.
	Gail (Christine Nguyen) – Owner of a semi-successful gym who is obsessed with ancient warrior ladies. Is sort of dating Eric, but things aren’t officially exclusive yet, thus she dabbles in several other characters. Finds Diana when she materializes in her gym, and shows her the ropes of modern society.
	Mark (Voodoo as Alex Boisvert) – Loudmouth gym patron who gets an idea to become filthy rich by exploiting Athena, but just ends up having filthy sex by the end.
	Rita (Misty Stone) – Gym patron who likes the ladies. She teams up with Mark to try to exploit Athena for monetary gain, but regrets the decision and leaves. Can more than keep up with Mark’s quick mouth.
	Eric (Brandon Ruckdashel) – Gail’s boyfriend who is in the middle of a bunch of stuff and trying to think through how their relationship should be. But he realizes he needs her.
	Mario (Alec Knight) – Friend of Gail who is into touching strange women inappropriately. He’s also really into women making him breakfast.
	Morty (Ted Newsom) – Morty is one of the most watched television hosts in history. Or at least by people who are relevant to the plot! Has Athena on his show, where she puts out the call to locate Diana.

Look, let’s argue about which Police Academy sequel was the best later, it’s time for dinner! Also, it was definitely Police Academy 3: Back in Training!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Super Sex Program

November 17, 2013ByTars Tarkas

The Super Sex Program

aka The Big Bust Theory

2013
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

We lost funding to replace burnt out blinky lights…

Nerds attempt to discover the secret of love in The Super Sex Program (or The Big Bust Theory if you bought the DVD!) Alexandre Boizvert and Eric Masteron play big nerds and completely go 100% stereotypical goofy voices, like this is a lost Revenge of the Nerds chapter or an episode of The Big Bang Theory. But instead of being a bunch of jokes about nerd culture, instead we get what turns out to be a sweet story about finding out what love is, and learning to interact socially without being a loser.

We get the new logo for Synthetic Filmwerx, now abbreviated as SFW. Directed by Fred Ole— Dean McKendrick?!?!?! Yes, duty has been split between McKendrick and Ray with the latest batch of films (McKendrick wrote or cowrote many from years prior) But don’t fret, the same tone and style is still very evident in the latest batch of Bikini movies. If anything, this latest entry kicks things into a new level of story telling while still delivering naked people bumping uglies. Perhaps the tales from MRG’s brand of films are pushing the envelope into more complex storytelling, or perhaps this evolved independently (and until I watch the other films from this batch, I won’t know for sure)

She’s watched too many episodes of Double Divas on Lifetime! We must unscramble her brain.

At one point the characters develop a “love potion” that is supposed to drive women wild with passion. Normally in these films, the characters then use the potion on women and essentially rape them, or at least get the women to do things they wouldn’t normally do if they weren’t thinking straight. Here, the whole thing is thrown on it’s ear, one application doesn’t matter because the woman wants to have sex with the nerd, while the other nerd’s adventure turns out to all be in his mind and the woman rejects him (the potion also doesn’t work.)

Later, they build a woman that they’ve programmed to totally be attracted to them, like this is Weird Science or the Aerosmith video to “Hole in my Soul” Of course, this fails to work either, the robot woman is mysteriously reprogrammed to only like hot chicks. The nerds accept this programming and don’t try to program her back. The schemes of the nerds are orchestrated by their boss Dr. Carmichael, but there is a method to his madness that becomes abundantly clear.

Soon we will know what tiny skulls think about the Kardashians!

The positive and fun film is a nice breath of fresh air, and shows you can tackle some of the relationship issues MRG films cover without being forced to be 100% serious all the time. The lessons mirror those from nerd and geek film, without feeling too much like they’re covering well-tread ground. The various story threads manage to play out not quite the way you expect. And Christine Nguyen in glasses making goofy faces? Points for that alone! Jazy Berlin also throws in a great performance as the robot Alice, turning what would be in many films a forgettable role into a memorable character.

	Stanley (Voodoo as Alexandre Boisvert) – A chemical engineer who can’t understand why his superior intelligence isn’t lining up the women. Obviously there must be something wrong with all the women! Easily susceptible to head trauma.
	Walter (Eric Masterson) – A robotic engineer who needs to believe in himself. Is a lot better at solving other people’s problems than his own.
	Betty (Christine Nguyen) – Coworker at the lab that Stanley doesn’t see as a woman at all, despite her megacrush on him. Spends most of the film making faces at the ridiculous things said by Stanley and Walter.
	Tammy (Mary Carey) – New neighbor to the nerds who ends up becoming Walter’s crush, but will he ever find the confidence to do anything about it except regret?
	Alice (Jazy Berlin) – Robot built by the nerds in order for them to have sex with her, Weird Science-style. Alice is an acronym for Artificial LIfe Construct Experiment. She turns out to only like “hot chicks”
	Chad (Billy Chappell) – Oh. That guy.
	Dr. Carmichael (Michael Gaglio) – The boss of the two nerds (and Betty), who sends them on their love-seeking quest. Is far craftier than he appears.
	Cindy (Beverly Lynne) – Woman Chad picked up at the gym, he can’t remember her name, but that’s not why she’s over at his place…
	Olga (Yurizan Beltran) – Masseuse at Olga’s Massage Parlor. Rejects Walter in his attempt to get her to have sex for money. I have a feeling Olga is not her real name…

Nerds. Will they ever learn?

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad

November 22, 2012ByTars Tarkas

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad

2012
Written by Dean McKendrick
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Did I leave the Bikini Frankenstein machine on?

Whenever there is trouble, and it is double (double-Ds, that is!), the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad will be there! Three girls solve cases and bust bad guys while wearing outfits that will make you blush…if they bother to wear outfits, that is! Charlie may have his angels, but those films were terrible and let’s not even talk about the reboot series. The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad does more than just be a Charlie’s Angels knockoff with a title borrowed from a hit novelty song, it’s also a commentary on the decline of the Playboy enterprise.

The Tony Tefler character and the Playpen magazine and empire are clearly based on Hugh Hefner and Playboy (duh!), and they lampoon both Hef’s old age and his dalliances with a series of younger women (seen most famously on The Girls Next Door show, but also pretty famous without the show.) In the beginning, Hefner arose from his magazine creation beginnings to become a free speech advocate, largely due to photographing naked women being considered obscene in many parts of the US back in the furious 50s. Playboy grew into a classy and hip thing that world-minded trendy people read while listening to jazz and hosting serious parties where the civil rights movement and women’s lib were discussed by people in berets. At least that is how I imagine the 60s and 70s, though there was probably awesome music and piles of drugs. Playboy even had their own TV show.

YOU vaccum the living room!

But the rise of the moral majority, Reagan’s America, the resurgance of conservatism, it threw that hip stuff out the window. In addition, there was also the rise of pornography, in the 70s porn films were playing in mainstream art house theaters. Things came crashing down, the rise of the video culture and late night cable took some of the wind out of the sails. Playboy became replaced by men’s mags such as Maxim and their copycats in the 90s, while at the same time they were losing out online as porn became freely available with but a click and a lie about being over 18. Playboy lost the innovation it had, it’s place as the figurehead for a movement eclipsed.

Is there a place for classy pictures in the age of internet pornography? I’m sure there is, but by not getting ahead of the game, Playboy is fighting an uphill battle. The reality show boosted their stock more than anything recently, but that ended like all good things must. And with it, Playboy’s current cultural impact. It remains to be seen what the future of Playboy will hold, especially as Hefner clocks up there in years and will eventually clock out. Playboy always hold a fond memory for millions of pervs around the world. I remember even buying an issue of Playboy for the article, an interview with Jesse Ventura right after he was elected governor.

On the guy’s shirt? Elvis!

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad hits all of the notes that critics of the Playboy brand have been hinting at. From the producer who wants to make more harder stuff, to the legions of ex-girlfriends of Hefner, to even Hef’s viagra usage, the points are all laid out. Fear not, as the film is not overly preachy, the Hefner character is even the victim, despite being portrayed in an unsympathetic light. If anything, that makes The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad more realistic than many episodes of Law & Order.

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad is another Synthetic Filmwerx joint! Werx it if you got it.

Occupy Teenie Weenie Bikini Street!

	Sandy Banner (Brandin Rackley) – The main investigator of The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, Sandy will always get her man in the end, even if it means he gets her in the end first!
	Jasmine St. James (Michelle Maylene) – The youngest member of the squad who is an expert at under cover and being under the covers. Becomes strangely excited about her undercover model career.
	Nikki Resnick (Kylee Nash) – The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad member most likely to believe Weekly World News headlines. Yeah, I made a reference to a dead publication in a review of a movie that mocks another dying publication. It’s called “being awesome”!
	Benny (Mike Gaglio) – The boss of the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, and a real slave driver. Benny needs to learn that there is a time for work and a time for vacation.
	Tef (Ted Newsom) – Tony “Tef” Tefler, owner of Playpen magazine and noted scumbag. But he’s a scumbag with money and bad things are happening against him, so he’s the client. Cue “The Client” appearing below his picture ala Burn Notice. I have said it before, and will say it again: Ted Newsom rules.
	Laura (Kelli McCarty) – Tef’s top photographer, former Playpen girl, and former flame. She both despises her former lover and wishes she had his attention again.
	Mo (Beverly Lynne) – All the best bartenders are named Mo(e). Another former Tef flame and Playpen girl who now works in an out of the way part of his empire, and is unacknowledged to her resentment.
	Frank Devlin (Evan Stone) – The jerk who manages the Playpen Club. He’s desperate to escape his contract with Tef to start his own hardcore company, but he’s stuck tight. Unless Playpen goes under…
	Rico Martinez (Tony Marino) – Oh. That guy.
	Burt (Nick Manning) – Frank’s goon who does his breaking and entering work. Also does entering work for explicit videos. High five, that was a joke worthy of an ALF rerun!
	Dancer (Jade Starr) – Are we human, or are we dancer?

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