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Sex and the Central movie
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Sex and the Central (Review)

January 25, 2011By

Sex and the Central


2003HKMDB Link
Directed by Dick Lau Tin-Sze (credited as Angel Lau)

A Hong Kong take on Sex in the City, except entirely in Cantonese with no subtitles, except Chinese subtitles with the only English being the characters’ names (and they couldn’t even get that right!) Not that you need subtitles in this film, basically the girls try to make their way to the top by bumping uglies with any male boss that comes along. This all gets thrown on its ears when the bosses are tossed out and a new unseducable boss comes along. Beasts are made with two backs, fluids are swapped, and babies pop out and look at you. And that’s just the redeeming qualities. We don’t need no stinkin’ subtitles on TarsTarkas.NET, so let’s have at it!

Gobby (Gobby Wong Ga-Ying) – A virgin, who due to her virginitude dresses awkward and non-sexy. Because that is how it works. Is named May in the incorrect Chinese subtitles. By the end of the film she is no longer a virgin AND a snazzy dresser!
Sophie (Sophie Ngan Chin-Man) – Sophie is the leader of the hip group of office girls who use their bodies to get promotions and get into pillowfights at her place. Sophie Ngan Chin-Man has been in such fine films as Naked Poison, Beauty and the Breast, and Quest of the Sex: Rumble in the Women’s Empire. Whoever hired her for this one didn’t want to pay the extra money to get her to take off her bottom, so we got sex scenes where she’s clearly wearing underwear thanks to shoddy camera work.
Carman (Carmen Yeung Ga-Man) –Girl #2 from the group, tries to be the high class one who is also into spankings and dressing as a schoolgirl. Not paid enough to get naked. Incorrectly called Gobby in the Chinese subtitles, but we will ignore the subtitles because they are wrong.
Dao (Dao Hwang) – Girl #3 of the group In fact, only one girl was paid enough to strip off all her clothes, going all full-frontal on you! Actually, on Simon, but whatever. They manage to call her Carman in the incorrect Chinese subtitles, which leads to much confusion.
Simon (Eddie Lam Kim-Fung) – The new boss who comes to shape up the company because the previous bosses were too busy getting it on to get any work done. Simon seems immune to the advances of our Sex and the Central crew, but can Gobby seduce where so many girls have failed? Eddie Lam Kim-Fung has been in scores of Category III films, he is gunning to be the next Elvis Tsui Kam Kong!

Beauty's Evil Roses
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Beauty’s Evil Roses (Review)

June 6, 2010By

Beauty’s Evil Roses

aka Se jiang II zhi xie mei gui

1992
Directed by Lam Wah-Chuen
Written by Chan Hiu-Bing

Beauty’s Evil Roses is somewhat famous in the circle of people who watch Hong Kong cult cinema because it is pretty darn weird. Besides being a weird Category III film, it also falls into the genre of movies that have weird S&M-type scenes, creepy tentacle stuff, and goofy Thai witchcraft battles. The creepy tentacle stuff is the types of things you expect to see out of Japan, not Hong Kong. The best stuff is the crazy goofy witch effects, especially when the Taoist priest is battling the Thai witches (why to all the evils in the universe in Hong Kong films come from Thailand? Because the city fears the wild frontier!)

So we have crazy witch cults, girls getting kidnapped, lesbians, cops doing cop stuff, more characters than you can shake a rape tentacle at, confusion, goofy effects, lesbians, gender-neutral evil deities, lesbians, Taoist priests, battles in outer space, lesbians, and lesbians. Seems like a winner to me.

Despite this being a VHS copy, the film did get a cheap DVD release at some point. But we don’t have it, so you can’t see it! Nyah nyah nyah!

The cast list is very sketchy, I did my best but make no promises as to the accuracy. So if there are errors, it is your fault for noticing them, and I will use my Lathe of Heaven powers to alter reality so my guesses are correct. That’s what you get for doubting my cast listing skills!

Mannie (Wong Wing-Fong) – A model and girlfriend of A-Kang, who spends a lot of time having sex with her. She also poses nude, which didn’t bother A-Kang before he started dating her, but suddenly makes him uneasy. Mannie helps infiltrate the evil cult that kills women, giving a bonus lesbian sex scene. Wong Wing-Fong is also known as Usang Yeong Fang.
A-Kang Hsiao (Jack Wong Wai-Leung) – A-Kang Hsiao is a cop with a girlfriend and anger issues. He’s such a good cop he becomes a target of th evil cult. His sister is Show-Mei
Police Supervisor Madam (Chang Siu-Yin) – Cheng’s girlfriend – aka Handcuff Girl – Police Captain that Cheng is sleeping with, their relationship is supposed to be a secret
Cheng (Alex Fong Chung-Sun) – Handcuff Guy – A neurotic cop who likes to beat suspects. He is dating his superior, who is only referred to as Police Supervisor Madam. He is also filled with rage. The rage burns in him like the fire of 1000 suns.
Da-Shie (???) – The evil queen of the cult who has lesbian sex and S&M bondage stuff with all the female members, though she has to answer to Evil God. The makeup artist decided to make her look extra evil, so she’s got that going on for her. Suffer not the evil to live, thus Da-Shie is dead by the end of the film.
Evil God (???) – Evil God looks a lot like Gozer. Hmmmm…. He’s evil, and he has God-like powers, such as kung fu and…kung fu. Okay, maybe he can torture people from afar. I am not sure. Evil God sure isn’t immune to bullets.
Show-Mei (???) – The Money. Miss Missouri here seems to be a tourist who makes friend with a guy who never gets a name, until she is kidnapped by a cult and brainwashed with tentacle worms or something. Then she becomes evil and her brother A-Kang has to track her down and destroy the cult.
Ian-Huang (Chui Seung-Ha) – Member of the evil cult with a Keira Knightly vibe going on. Spends the beginning of the film boinging an old dude to infect him with evil tentacle stuff. Then she dresses as a dude and later tries to kill A-Kang. The most well-characterized of the evil cult’s disciples. Her name is spelled Ian-Heung and Yen-Hong when the subtitles guy is letting his assistant do the work.
Great Priest (???) – A Taoist priest who is not Lam Ching-Ying, so he will be dead by the end of the film. And he is. Only Lam Ching-Ying can be the awesome Taoist priest, sorry, dude.
Share (???) – Share is probably supposed to be Cher, but maybe her parents wanted to teach her how to share so much they made it her name. Too bad they didn’t teach her not to get involved in deadly lesbian S&M cults.

Erotic Ghost Story
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Erotic Ghost Story (Review)

January 31, 2009By

Erotic Ghost Story

aka Liao zhai yan tan

1987
Directed by Ngai Kai Lam
Written by Chang Kwan

Erotic Ghost Story is a classic Hong Kong Cat III film, it is the second most popular with only Sex and Zen being a greater influence to Cat III erotic films. Part of what made Sex and Zen so classic was previewed here, including one of the stars.

The film has its origins as a tale from Liaozhai Zhiyi aka Strange Stories from a Chinese Studio aka Strange Tales of Liaozhai, written by Pu Songling (1640-1715) during the early Qing Dynasty. This is a collection of 431 stories written in classical Chinese (not the usual form for the time.) The earliest existing printed version dates to 1766, but it may have been published earlier. Pu Songling was a former scholar himself, which may explain why a scholar becomes the central figure of some many of his tales. Stories from Liao zhai Zhiyi have inspired countless Chinese films and television shows. Painted Skin, Tsui Hark’s A Chinese Ghost Story, and several TV shows with fox spirits. You can read many of the translated tales here. Many stories are short, as what was important was the emotional response, not the details.

The three main characters are fox spirits who are trying to become human. This can be accomplished by meditation and prayer, but takes hundreds of years. If they deviate from their path, they will revert back into animals.

Erotic Ghost Story‘s Chinese title is Liao zhai yan tan, which betrays its origin as coming from the Liao Zhai stories. It is a highly eroticized version of the tales, and many other movies and shows reference the work by having Liao zhai or liu chai or liu jai in their Chinese titles. The Witches of Eastwick is largely listed as another inspiration of Erotic Ghost Story, and it got another lucky strike as A Chinese Ghost Story was released the same year. A Chinese Ghost Story had made ghost lover stories incredibly popular. Add that to the fact that Erotic Ghost Story is very well made despite its role as an exploitation film, and you have a recipe for success that made Erotic Ghost Story a classic film that has several sequels and imitators. Maybe we will get to a few of them someday.

Another important factor in the success of Erotic Ghost Story was the presence of Amy Yip Ji-Mei. Amy Yip (aka The Yipster) was at one point the most popular sex symbol in Hong Kong cinema, and pretty much any book you read on Hong Kong cinema written from the mid-1980s to the late 1990s will have at least one chapter dedicated to her. Some authors were disturbingly obsessed with her, but creepy movie books is a subject for another article. She was propelled to stardom with this film, and to super-stardom after Sex and Zen. Amy Yip’s claim to fame was her gigantic rack, and her ability to keep from showing the essential elements of said rack. This was called her “Yip tease”. She revealed things only once, in Sex and Zen, and this was rumored to be because one of the producers was a triad gangster who threatened her. Like most Chinese actresses, she retired and dropped off the face of the Earth after a few years. So let’s meet her and the rest of the cast:

Hua-Hua (Amy Yip Ji-Mei) – Her name is Hua-Hua in subtitles, but Fa-Fa is what is spoken in the Cantonese version. I will be using the subtitle names for everyone, which I believe is derived from the Mandarin names. Oh, well. Played by Amy Yip, Hua-Hua is the middle sister, and her color of choice is purple.
Pai So-So (Man Siu) – So-So is the average one. Okay, now we go the obvious joke out of the way, let’s then reveal that So-So is the oldest sister. She helps guide her two younger sisters in their quest to evolve from fox spirits to human beings. At age 50, foxes can choose to become human or spirits. I bet you didn’t know that. Well, Chinese mythology knows it, so you better buy the Cliff Notes! Her color of choice is pink.
Fei-Fei (Kudo Hitomi) – The youngest of the three sisters and the most easily given to temptation. Sister number three is also the most exposed of the three. Kudo Hitomi seemed to vanish after this role, but I suspect she was a Japanese AV star that I just can’t find any information on because everything focuses on newer actresses. Her color of choice is Lime Green.
Scholar Wu Ming (Tan Lap-Man) – A shy scholar who is also a ladies man and lothario. He gets chased by bandits at one point, and has a terrible, terrible secret….
Wutung (Tan Lap-Man) – This demon is the true form of Wu Ming. Let that be a less to you: All scholars are secretly demonic monsters. The next time you see a scholar beat him upside the head with his books. Wutung is the God of Carnal Desire. He has no clan as far as I know.
Hsuan Kuei (Lam Chung) – A taoist priest who recognize the girls for what they are, and helps them defeat wutung. Lam Chung usually plays sleazy characters in films, so this turn as a Taoist priest is a departure. He will fill the role of Lam Ching Ying for this film.

Summer Lover
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Summer Lover (Review)

August 9, 2006By

Summer Lover

aka Xia ri qing ren

1992
Starring
Alfred Cheung Kin-Ting as Ting
Veronica Yip Yuk-Hing as Siu-Yuk
Vivian Chow Wai-Man as Liza
Loletta Lee Lai-chun as Janet
Max Mok Siu-Chung as Chung
Russell Wong as Zeniger
Directed by Clifton Ko Chi-Sum

A lovable loser meets the girl of his dreams, only she’s a spirit sent by magical VCD to obey his commands. This timeless tale hit the modern update, though it’s been played out in many media over the years. From genies in bottles to magic internet women, the story has been told many times before, and will be told many times after. This particular telling, though, is the one we are interested in. Summer Lover is not just an NC-17 late-night sex movie. In fact, there is little sex, though it’s in there. Most of the film is lighthearted comedy, in the vein of the early 1980’s teenager movies with the adult joke, aka the legion of bad Porky’s clones that dotted the 1980’s like beer cans on the side of the highway Sunday morning. Summer Lover‘s biggest difference is the particular method of the ladies. The women come out via magical VCD, a technology that’s getting phased out for DVDs. VCDs are huge in China and Asia, while VHS reigned supreme here in America. The women call themselves Laser Ladies, where in the US they’d be VHS Vixens, and now would be DVD Dolls. See, timeless!

This film is based on the Japanese Manga Video Girl Ai, which I have never read and have no intention of reading ever. I guess magazines where women come to life from VCDs is popular or something, but if Marvel ever put out something like that, it would probably almost sell as well as the New Universe titles. Anyone remember that? I was like 7, but I knew a bad decision when I saw one.

Our hopeless hero is Lifeguard Ting (Alfred Cheung), who is the total stereotype dateless guy. He’s got the bad hair, the big glasses, the bad job, and is a total klutz. Ting yearns for his love Liza (Vivian Chow), who he’s friends with but cannot get. Whenever Ting sees Liza, he bleeds, calling it the “Blood of Heroes.” Today is Ting’s birthday, but Liza cannot attend his party tonight. Ting’s friend is named Zeniger (Russell Wong), who is also Liza’s on again/off again man. Zeniger is a pretty boy, overshadowing his odd name. Ting has another friend named Chung, who is the movie’s horndog character. Ting’s party for the evening turns out to be just a tape for lonely guys that pretends to have a party going on. Ting’s friend Chung calls him up and wants to go looking for some “instant noodles” (aka prostitutes), but they end up going to a VCD store (aka a Laser Shop.) A magic VCD store (aka a Magic Laser Shop.) Run by a white guy. A magic white guy. You know he’s magical because he’s effeminate and is wearing a white long-haired wig. Luckily, he’s Cantonese fluent and can direct the two boys around, as he says the shop is specially made for brokenhearted people. Ting’s first impulse is to buy a Donald Duck VCD (which would have made a very odd sex movie….) but the manager directs the two lonely guys to the adult section. He gives them some special VCDs, each one featuring a different lady. Different magic ladies.

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