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InBad, Movie Reviews

The Dark Knight Rises

July 22, 2012By

The Dark Knight Rises


2012
Screenplay by Jonathan Nolan and Christopher Nolan
Story by Christopher Nolan and David S. Goyer
Directed by Christopher Nolan

Halle Berry slashed my tires last night!

Our The Dark Knight Rises review will be in a slightly different format, list form! And not the “Top 6 Bane Pick up Lines that Will Explode and Blow Your Mind” type of lists, just a list of thoughts in semi-sequential format as we go through the film. Thus, SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS below the fold!

Neither rain, nor sleet, nor the Dark Knight…
  • Arriving early to get an aisle seat.
  • This theater has Oogieloves posters all over it!
  • I will be upset if there isn’t a bare minimum of 5 rises in TDKR!
  • Why are two very fat guys in nerd shirts complaining about the nerds in the theater? And now I am complaining about them on the internet!
Too cool for earmuffs
  • The new Superman trailer documents his time on Deadliest Catch (and how much better Joe Manganiello would have been in the role!)
  • I also drank less tea before the film so I wouldn’t have to go to the bathroom that much (Did I succeed? See below!)
  • And now the opening sequence that was released on the internet months ago!
  • Remember: Spoilers below the fold!
The Last Days of the XFL…
Super Batman & Mazinger V
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Super Batman & Mazinger V (Review)

August 8, 2011By

Super Batman & Mazinger V

aka Super Betaman aka 스타짱가 II 마징가V 슈퍼베타맨

1990
Written and Directed by Yeong-han Kim

Viewmaster…Attack!

What if Batman was some goofy Power Rangers kid show. And it sucked. Welcome to the world of Super Batman & Mazinger V! For those of you in the know, South Korea during the 80s and 90s produced a whole slew of copyright violating children’s programming that put the insane in the brain, much of which had tie-in low-quality toys. All of these films are horribly awful, and most of them are unknown in the West, rotting away on Korean VHS tapes. But occasionally some of them get brought out into the light of day, blinking in the sunlight, exposure to the bigger world a new and surreal experience for them. And TarsTarkas.NET tells them how much they suck!

Coming soon to the next Nolan film!

This time, Batman has gone all Power Rangers, and is either called Super Batman or Super Betaman (the film and related media cannot make up its mind!) He looks like he should be fighting Krankor and the Neptune Men, but instead fights a space witch and her crappy wolfman army. Besides making a horrific-looking Batman, they also steal wholesale from Mazinger V, an anime you’ve heard of if you’re into giant robot stuff, or will hear of once the new movie comes out in a few years (if you are reading this in the future and the movie already has come out, then read that sentence as past tense, but at least you get to fly hovercars!)

Hey, Teen Wolf Cosplay Guy, carsurfing was outlawed for a reason!

Other Korean kiddie programming includes Our Friend, Power 5 (Wurideul-ui chingu pawo 5) – A 1989 Ninja Turtles ripoff, Ddaeng-Chil and Double Light (땡칠이와 쌍라이트) – A 1990 alien invasion film where Yoda and apes show up, Eagle Man (who looks like another Batman clone), Dragonball: Goku Fights, Goku Wins (1990) – A Dragonball feature that follows the plot closer than any official Dragonball movie, and literally dozens more. Some of the films are all live action, some are all animation, and many are mixed in between, with models waved around and goofy alien costumes. The most frustrating part of the little information I’ve been able to find about these films is that they only have been released on decaying vhs tapes and will probably soon wither away into nothingness. The common denominator of many of this films seem to be to sell cheap toys, heck in this film a character carries around the toy of the giant robot! The legality of the toys I am sure is questionable at best.

Hi, we’re going to go all Star Wars Holiday Special on your ass!

As the film is in Korean with no subtitles (We don’t need no stinking subtitles!), character names are guesses or descriptions, and the plot is put together from what can be understood from the pictures. As it is a kid’s program, the plot isn’t that complicated, so no worries there. We’ve even found this handy plot synopsis: The witch Rinke rules over the plant Astro with an iron fist. She decides that she needs the super-powered robot, Zangga, to spread her rule to other planets. She learns that Zangga is lying dormant somewhere on Earth and sends her agents, Kats and Kobra, to find and collect him. However, she did not count on the intervention of Betaman and some Earth children who are also looking for Zangga.

That doesn’t help at all! Okay, it sort of has what is happening. Is Kobra the name of the Wolfman? I couldn’t ID any of the actors, but I added some names to the tags just in case. And I hope the mysterious II in the Korean title doesn’t mean there is another Super Batman film out there…because…::shudders::

Batman poses for photos, thousands die.

Batman (???) – Batman defends the rights of the ugly, and flies around and shoots lasers from his hands and wears a goofy yellow costume. Sometimes he turns into a cartoon and fights cartoon animals. Korea! (Sometimes Betaman depending on who is talking)
Fatty (???) – A manchild from space who lost his robot, so he carried around a toy robot. Uh, yeah.
Annoying Family – Weenie, Freckles, Girl, Woman, and Band-aid (???) – The annoying family that adopts Fatty for his mission on Earth. Some of these people must have been buried under an avalanche of ugly trees. The real tragedy of Super Batman & Mazinger V is that this family isn’t wiped out.
Evil Space Queen Rinke (???) – The Evil Space Queen who is looking for the lost robot and hopes to find it before Fatty does. She almost wins, but before Fatty dies of cardiac failure, he befriends the ugly family and they help him. If only the robot was lost in America, Fatty would be dead of a heart attack so powerful it destroys major cities! Rinke has a mysterious female companion who does nothing in the film except be by her side. And she has blue hair in cartoon form!
Evil Space Queen Henchmen – Wolfman, Dog Guy, Other Dog Guy, Mysterious Female Companion, Cartoon Ninja, Catman (???) – Evil Space Queen Rinke has a variety of henchmen that escaped from a play for preschool kids and are now menacing a family of ugly people. Luckily, Batman, defender of the ugly, is there to stop them with vaguely choreographed battles.
Looks like some lucky family got their family portraits back from JC Penney!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

La Verdadera Historia de Barman y Droguin (Review)

August 6, 2011By

La Verdadera Historia de Barman y Droguin


1991
Directed by Gilberto de Anda
Written by Gilberto de Anda and Valentín Trujillo

La Verdadera Historia de Barman y Droguin is a Mexican Batman parody film, made in the wake of the Burton Batman film with a distinctly cantina feel. Because the characters are based out of a cantina and have alcoholic beverage themed logos. It betrays where the idea for the flick probably originated from.

For a Batman parody film, Barman y Droguin spends a good portion of the film dicking around before it gets to the point. And not even an origin story, the main characters go to a movies multiple times before things begin. Someone crams 50 pounds of Rambo parody in this 3 pound Batman sack.

Víctor Trujillo is a comedian and host best known for his character Brozo the Creepy Clown, but beyond being an anti-clown, Brozo is also a political crusader! In 2004, the Brozo show El Mañanero debuted hidden footage of corruption of political figures, including a tape of then personal secretary to former Mexico City mayor (and unsuccessful Mexico Presidential Candidate) Andrés Manuel López Obrador, René Bejarano (who was elected to the Mexico city legislature), accepting a $45,000 bribe. Mexican congressman Federico Döring aired the video on Brozo’s show, and Brozo crewmembers found Obrador in the same building and got him to agree to an immediate interview, where he was shown the footage for the first time and had to respond while shocked (he tried to play it off as a campaign donation from Argentinian businessman Carlos Ahumada Kurtz for another person’s campaign.) More bribery videos were released (it became known as the videoscandals) and more corruption was shown. Bejarano spent a year in jail before a controversial release, Carlos Ahumada Kurtz was arrested and fled the country, but was brought back and later acquitted and left Mexico for good. I can’t seem to find the video of the original incident, but here is part of a followup interview and you can see Víctor Trujillo as Brozo in all his glory.

A few years later (and no longer dressed as a clown, as Trujillo retired the Brozo show after his wife passed on, though Brozo makes occasional appearances) Trujillo once again made news taking down a corrupt politician, when he confirmed that there were inquiries into the fortune of Governor Arturo Montiel, a presidential precandidate. Montiel denied the charges, but his career was over. The evidence of corruption has only grown, despite another acquittal. Montiel has also been linked to a murder.

Mexican Batman is awesome. Christian Bale just yells at lighting guys.

We have a nice video toaster opening credits with all the characters drawn MSPaint style and run as a slideshow as the credits go by. Helps set up the non-serious tone.

Bruno (Víctor Trujillo) – Bruno runs a bar and has his hands full making sure his crazy friend doesn’t rob places. But then he dresses up as a bat and decides to fight crime. Weird. In the Mexican translations of the Batman comics, Bruce Wayne was called Bruno Diaz, and Dick Grayson was Ricardo Tapia. Hence the alter-ego names here.
Barman (Víctor Trujillo) – Barman wears a bat logoed Bacardi shirt. Fear the Barman! That cardboard batman figure above the name of the bar is totally not going to clue in anyone!
Ricardo (Ausencio Cruz) – Ricardo is a loser who tries to rope Bruno into his crazy schemes. But one scheme convinces Bruno, this Barman and Droguin scheme. Amazing. Ausencio Cruz was a longtime partner of Víctor Trujillo.
Droguin (Ausencio Cruz) – He’s not Robin, he’s Droguin! Get it right or pay the price!
Clown Guy (José Luis Cordero ‘Pocholo’) – This Clown Prince of Kidnapping takes the “kid” part literally and kidnaps a kid. Luckily, Barman and Droguin are there to also get kidnapped. There is no official name for the Joker knockoff I could tell, and he’s just listed as Secuestrador in the credits.
Female Reporter (Lizbeth Castro) – Hey, don’t yell at me, her character doesn’t have a name in the credits! All she gets is Periodista. So we’ll call her…Lois Lopez! Put on the Barman story, and helps Barman out of his car accident problem.
Pingüino (Ramiro Gómez) – Pingüino is just a dude who modifies cars and dresses up like the Penguin while doing so. It just makes sense!

Flying Centipede
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Flying Centipede (Review)

August 1, 2011By

Flying Centipede

aka Fei tian wu gong aka 飞天蜈蚣

1994
Directed by Qingguo Sun

Flying Centipede is a guy who likes to dress up as a Batman copy, except he looks more like a Mothman and call himself Flying Centipede for some reason. Flying Centipede also machine guns down lots of cops, instantly making his hero status questionable. Maybe if we were told all these guys were corrupt cops, it would be better, but instead Flying Centipede is just painted as a villain despite being a super hero. And as this is a Mainland China production, we can’t have villains get away with their crimes. What kind of moral standard is that? So everyone dies. Spoiler alert!

Thanks to our crack research team, we were able to find….not much about Flying Centipede. Time to fire the research team, or at least force them to learn Chinese.

Flying Centipede (It is a mystery) – Don’t reveal the secret identity of Flying Centipede. But it’s revealed below under a spoiler alert.
Ouyang Long (Wu Gang) – He’s a cop, whose job it is to take down Flying Centipede. And also to shoot mushrooms, dancing spiders, and fleas without messing up the trackball too much.
Ailina (Qu Ying) – Ouyang’s female friend and secretary to the Police Chief. Qu Ying is a mainland model/actress/singer who has had a busy career, including roles in Fight For Justice(2004) and Zhang Yimou’s Keep Cool, and in the 2000 mainland China production Charlie Angels.
Black Widow (Xie Xu) – Female gang leader whose gang wears black lines drawn on their faces. I guess she’s watched The Warriors too many times and thinks her gang needs a theme.
Cops Hua and Fatty (??? and ???) – More cops from Ouyang’s group, who help him on his quest of justice.

Batbabe
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Batbabe: The Dark Nightie (Review)

June 26, 2011By

Batbabe: The Dark Nightie


2009
Written by John Bacchus and Michael Raso
Directed by John Bacchus

Seduction Cinema strikes again, putting out two super-hero themed erotic parodies to cash in on the summer of the super-hero, the Iron Man parody The Insatiable IronBabe was the other. We’re focusing on Batbabe: The Dark Nightie this time out, because that’s the one we have a copy of!

One of the least erotic erotic movies I have ever seen, it is basically a parody film with naked chicks and dildos. Although I don’t think anyone was going into this expecting high art, there were probably some late night watchers who were expecting it to be a bit sexy. But Batbabe is not the type of softcore film you would be watching with your girlfriend or wife, it’s more of the film you watch alone, or with a group of guys. It does have plenty of lame jokes, and the entire film is just one long filthy joke. And there is an audience for that, so they get what they want. I believe there is a place in the world for films like Batbabe, and will not disparage the people who would watch it. Heck, we enjoyed Seduction Cinema’s Kinky Kong, but were less impressed with their outings Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet, Vampire Vixens, and That 70′s Girl.

One can probably go on a long essay about turning a dark film such as The Dark Knight into a softcore comedy, with the many themes or elements borrowed, missing, or twisted. But this will not be such an essay, because that essay would probably be boring and focus too much on The Dark Knight, a film that’s been analyzed to death by internet message boards.

Batbabe/Wendy Wayne (Darian Caine) – Wendy Wayne is a stripper by day and Batbabe by night. Which probably loses her all the big bucks as the high-paying customers are at night. Crime-fighting doesn’t pay. Darian Caine is also in the reviewed Kinky Kong and Vampire Vixens.
Luscious Foxx (Smoke Williams) – Batbabe’s Lucius is her strip club manager Luscious, but he still gives her cool gadgets and sage advice.
The Jerker (Rob Mandara) – The Jerker likes to jerk. His wang. This appears to be Rob Mandara’s only role to date.
DA Henrietta Bent (Molly Heartbreaker) – Bent bends both ways and flips a coin to see who is on top! Molly Heartbreaker is easily recognizable in any sex scene due to the flames tattooed on her boobs. Had a small role in Kinky Kong, and who could forget her role in Topless Tapioca Wrestling?
Commissioner Boredom (John Paul Fedele as Clancy Fitzsimmons) – When there is a big case in Bacchum City, you can be assured Commissioner Boredom knows about it and still has no trouble going to sleep instead of doing anything!

Alyas Batman en Robin
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Alyas Batman en Robin (Review)

June 24, 2011By

Alyas Batman en Robin


1993
Directed by Tony Y. Reyes
Written by Joey de Leon and Tony Y. Reyes
Alyas Batman en Robin
The Philippines returns to prove nobody does Batman like they do! Batman continues to be a campy caped crusader, and all the familiar elements are here – the classic villains, evil doing, and saving the day. The stakes may be lower, but there is still wrongs to be righted. And Alyas Batman en Robin showed everymen becoming superheroes long before Mark Millar stole it for Kick-Ass. I’m on to you, Millar!
Alyas Batman en Robin
If you remember the overview of the Filipino Batman films I did at the beginning of the James Batman review, then you’ll remember Alyas Batman en Robin from 1993 is the most recent. So here it is! Part musical, part campy, part guys beating up people, and part a love story, Alyas Batman en Robin tries to be a lot of things. Let’s find out if it succeeds…
Alyas Batman en Robin
But first, the Roll Call!

Kuya (Joey de Leon) – Kuya is the closest I could figure for a name for his character, though that’s just the way they sound like they’re saying the word for big brother in Tagalog (which is Kuya) Kuya defends Kevin from his tormentors, but also doesn’t really want to get involved in crime fighting. Kevin forces his hand, so he reluctantly joins Kevin and becomes…
Batman (Joey de Leon) – Batman fights the villains and hits on the hot journalism chicks. Because that’s what Superma– I mean, Batman does! Joey de Leon started his career as a radio dj, which evolved to a comedy career with the trio Tito, Vic and Joey, getting parts in television and movies. By the 1980s, he was a solo star in comedies and headlining sitcoms. He continues to do host work on television, and has reignited his singing career in recent years.
Kevin (Keempee de Leon) – Kevin is the hottest guy at school that the girls all mob over, but he has his eyes on justice! Thus, he cons his older brother into joining him as dressing up as a superhero and fighting evil, becoming…
Robin (Keempee de Leon) – It’s good Kevin became Robin, because he was obsessed with him! Joseph Joakim “Keempee” de Leon is the son of Joey de Leon and was the one-time teen idol of the Philippines. He got into drugs and sought treatment in 1993 as this film was tearing up the Filipino box office. That’s also where he became very involved in missionary work. He returned to acting in 1994, and appears in movies and television. His haircut during the 1990s was called the Keempee and has become a sign of the era much as big feathered hair lets us Americans know it’s the 1980s.
Jocson (Rene Requiestas) – Jocson is Kevin’s bitter friend, who when he’s forced to join his Uncle Paeng’s gang, decides to be the best villain ever and becomes…..
Joker (Rene Requiestas) – Renato “Rene” Requiestas was a comedian noted for his emaciated look, specialized in sidekick roles. He was Cheetae in the three Starzan films, and was also in Sheman: Mistress of the Universe. He sadly died of tuberculosis shortly after this film was finished in 1993 at the age of 36.
Uncle Paeng (Panchito) – After recruiting his nephew into his criminal organization, Uncle Paeng then follows his nephew’s lead and becomes a super villain himself, the…
Paenguin (Panchito) – Paenguin is the pun name for Penguin, who dresses as Penguin and leads the gang on their various bank robbing activities. As there are practically no police in the city, this gang is free to run wild unless Batman and Robin stop them. Born Alfonso D. Tagle, Sr., Panchito was best friends with fellow comedian Dolphy, meeting him when they were both starting out their careers as traveling entertainers in the Japanese-occupied Philippines during World War 2. By the 1960s, they were constantly paired in a string of comedy films. Panchito suffered a stroke in 1995, and he passed on a month later.
Angelique Legarda (Dawn Zulueta) – Gotham Daily Star reporter who is assigned to the crime beat, gets involved in the Batman and Robin story, and even becomes Batman’s love interest.
Vina (Vina Morales) – Vina is a schoolgirl who crushes on Kevin, to the dismay of Jocson. At one point actress Vina Morales dated Keempee, it might have been during this movie being made.
Catwoman (Almira Muhlach) – The Catwoman leads an all-girl gang and is recruited by Paenguin and Joker to add some muscle to their group after all their crew quits due to low pay. She changes costumes often, but is captured by Batman halfway through the film and is never seen again. Almira Muhlach married basketball star Bong Alvarez and has had a rocky relationship due to his rage issues. Her half-brother is actor Aga Muhlach.

Alyas Batman en Robin

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