Written by Brian Brinkman and Micho Rutare
Directed by Bruce Davison

Packed to the gills with crazy action, former stars, and massive carnage, Asylum’s Bigfoot is an entertaining SyFy feature that also doubles as political commentary. Bigfoot is relentless with action sequences, the very first shots are of various animals being devoured up the food chain, until we reach man shooting a bear. Man who is quickly taken out by a huge Bigfoot! Bigfoot will run rampage through the local town of Deadwood, smashing cars, trucks, and chomping the heads off of people. There is an energy in Bigfoot that keeps it chugging along, character dismissing any attempts to stop and think as they rush into one crazy plan after another, all while Bigfoot is smashing and eating.

Bigfoot is a sequel in spirit to Mega Python vs. Gateroid. Like that film, it features two faded stars (instead of 80s pop icons Tiffany and Debbie Gibson, we have former 60s child stars Danny Bonaduce and Barry Williams) who argue constantly. The monster battle aspect has been dumped for just constant monster action. Bigfoot features more minor stars in supporting roles than MPvG, but both do feature a musical icon getting killed just after they appear (Micky Dolenz gets chomped in MPvG, while Alice Cooper gets punted in Bigfoot!) Even the ending is similar, but more on that in a little bit.
Bigfoot is part of the Icy May series for MOSS – The Mysterious Order of the Skeleton Suit. And if you are wondering why something for May is showing up in June on TarsTarkas.NET, you must be new here! Heck, our March theme (March of Godzilla 2013) is still going on! Further Icy May entries include Gaddaar at both Beth Loves Bollywood and at FourDK, Yeti Curse of the Snow Demon at The Horror!?, Snow Devils at Exploder Button, Fist of B-List meets The Iceman Cometh, and The Great Silence at Teleport City.

Harley Anderson (Danny Bonaduce) – Former singer turned obnoxious disk jockey and thrower of ridiculous nostalgia concerts that both fail and cause angry beasts to awaken. Spends most of his time fighting his former partner turned rival Simon Quint instead of stopping the creature he helped unleash on the public.
Simon Quint (Barry Williams) – Former singer turned gentle soul and friend of the Earth. He attracts a large following of young hot women and fights for the rights of nature. He attempts to subdue Bigfoot so he can be peacefully relocated instead of killed, but his attempts never pan out.
Sheriff Becky Alvarez (Sherilyn Fenn) – A former detective in Oklahoma City, who has returned to her childhood home and joined the Sheriff’s department there. Attempts to stop the rampages of Bigfoot, despite objections from everyone for different reasons, and is one of the few characters more worried about the actual problem then about scoring points against the other side.
Bigfoot (CGI) – Angry huge furry guy who likes to bit off heads of passersby. Awoken from his hibernation due to noise from acres of trees getting chopped down, and is not too keen on this environmental encroachment. So he smashes up the local town.

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SyFy Channel in June is Monster Movie Heaven!

June looks like it will be one of the best months for SyFy films since Chupacabra Were-Vampire vs. Space Quake Snake. And while that film might not exist yet, these four new films do exist and will bring a world of hilarity and awesome to the small screen:

June 9th brings us Jersey Shore Shark Attack. Check out your Snookies and J-WOWs vs ocean death, and pray that the Jersey Shore loses big time. Only sharks can save America from Snooki’s baby! Jack Scalia and Paul Sorvino star, while the Jersey characters have names like TC “The Complication”, BJ, J-Moni, and Nooki. John Shepphird (Chupacabra Terror) directs.

Next week on June 16th is Piranhaconda – Jim Wynorski’s new flick about the Part Snake! Part Fish! All Killer! Michael Madsen and Rachel Hunter star, and the title alone is worth a view! The trailer recently popped up.


June 23rd gives us Arachnoquake – the awesomely titled film where and earthquake causes giant albino spiders to get unleashed upon the Earth to attack Tracey Gold, Ethan Phillips, Bug Hall, and Edward Furlong.

Griff Furst directs, he’s proven he can direct a fun SyFy flick (and be fun as well when he shows up in one of his dad’s films)

I couldn’t find a trailer, so here’s an interview with Furst and some of the cast:

And finally June 30th gives us Bigfoot, which is notable because Danny Bonaduce and Barry Williams are following the Tiffany/Debbie Gibson route and teaming up for a SyFy film where they play rivals! Sherilyn Fenn, Howard Hesseman, and Alice Cooper also star.

Needless to say, the DVRs are being set as we speak to make June the SyFyest month of them all!

Dark Shadows

Dark Shadows

Written by John Augus and Seth Grahame-Smith
Based on characters created by Dan Curtis
Directed by Tim Burton

Needs more spires…

The thing about Dark Shadows is it is the type of film that Tim Burton directing and Johnny Depp starring should make it a natural hit and an amazing cinematic experience. But instead things just don’t turn our right, in fact, they go pretty wrong pretty quickly. The dark and dreary atmosphere is unfortunately too familiar with Burton’s other works, even though it should stand out here. The plot is the weakest part, the whole jilted ex-lover out for revenge trope we’ve seen time and time again. Sure, it’s dandied up with all the spooky trappings, ghosts and vampires and witchcraft, but it’s nothing new. Unfortunately, that’s a big problem. Just reading through the plots for the series, there was a lot of things going on, most of which is ignored and discarded, though there are a few references. But what we end up with is bland.

The Transylvanian version of The Help didn’t do as well

Though the period setting of 1971 is largely used on a few jokes that fall flat and hippie murder (killing hippies is soooo Kent State…) it does help in giving some characters a distinct look as they’re dressed in period clothing as opposed to modern fashion (and it helps that retro looks are in and what old is new!) Beyond that, you’ll not even notice that it is set in the past and not modern day, the few times older technology is used, it’s not intrusive and it keeps things from getting diluted with cell phone videos of vampire action being uploaded to YouTube.

The film is not all bad, there are bright spots. The strongest aspects of Dark Shadows are the actors. Everyone is bringing their A games. But they got little to work with, and the film can’t be carried by performances alone. And remember that it’s Collins, not Cullen. Let’s not say things we can’t take back and have sparkle vampires starting to wander around…

Three Stooges witchcraft

Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) – A 17th-century man cursed to become a vampire by a scorned lover. He’s imprisoned in the ground for 200 years and is freed in 1971, where he sets out to try to bring his family back to prominence. There is no actor I could have conceived of playing this part except Johnny Depp, and no one else could have done it justice. But Depp seems to be acting a constant stream of Jack Sparrow variations, eventually it’s going to get tiresome. Eventually means real soon.
Angelique Bouchard (Eva Green) – A former servant of the Collins family 200 years prior and a witch, who has been enacting revenge against the family ever since Barnabas spurned her. Eva Green is spectacular and looks spectacular.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard (Michelle Pfeiffer) – The matriarch of the Collins family, and the only thing holding it together until Barnabas arrives with help and secret treasure. Michelle Pfeiffer is frakking awesome. It is great to see a strong role for an older woman in a Hollywood film.
Carolyn Stoddard (Chloë Moretz) – Elizabeth’s teenage daughter, who seems to think she’s some sort of rocker chick and is permanently scowling.
Victoria Winters (Bella Heathcote) – Hired to be the governess of David Collins. Victoria is a name she made up on the train ride over. She bears a striking resemblance to Barnbas’s true love, Josette du Pres, and quickly catches his eye.
Actual photo of the original test audience five minutes after the film ended…

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