Balala the Fairies

The Balala the Fairies series (巴啦啦小魔仙) is something you need to be aware of!


Because, why shouldn’t you be aware of Balala the Fairies, a Chinese television series turned movie series about magical fairy girls that are an amalgamation of Sailor Moon, Winx, Tinker Bell, and Harry Potter? It’s just 100% natural that this is a must-know franchise! Especially since they’re already on movie #2, which released in January in China. Now the films are inching towards broader releases. You can already find episodes of the show fansubbed online, and that means the barriers of entry to the Balala world is crumbling. Crumbling like a fairy who is on life support because the audience won’t clap!

Let’s just ignore the fact the young actress who stars in Balala the Fairies: The Magic Trial (巴啦啦小魔仙之魔法的考驗) is named Daisy Cakes. Because, seriously? I play you for this, AngelaBaby!

The first film is Balala The Fairies (巴啦啦小魔仙):

After a few months, when Mei-xue (美雪) and Mei-qi (美奇) were at stargazing camp with a few friends, they saw some meteorites shooting in the sky that crashed onto the earth. When Mei-xue (美雪) and Mei-qi (美奇) went to check things out, they found a strange but pretty looking stone with a badly wounded bird, they took the bird home to look after it. But they ended up to have found Xiao-lan (小兰)back from Fairyland, why is that? There is going to be another mission to finish!?

And it’s followed by 2014’s Balala the Fairies: The Magic Trial (巴啦啦小魔仙之魔法的考驗), which features some fairy idiots letting an emo idiot loose in the real world. There’s also a plot about a girl who isn’t popular being upset at the fairy girls, who appear to be acting all snotty. I support the girl who is mad at the fairy girls 100%, even if she’s teamed up with Sorrow Potter or whatever the villain’s name is.

This film made $2 million and will probably show up in the US soon. You can find the TV series fansubbed all over YouTube (if you dare!) and there will probably be more and more films, as there is a whole toyline to support! It’s called market saturation, people!

Balala the Fairies

Shanti Dynamite Loads

Erotic star Shanti Dynamite to get her Bollywood due!

Shanti Dynamite Loads

Erotic model (or “porn star” if you’re writing headlines!) Shanti Dynamite is set to make her Bollywood debut in the upcoming film Chal Doctor Doctor Khelein! She’ll just have a featured role as an item girl, not a starring part, but that’s all the producer needs to get all sorts of free press. Hey, wait a minute, Rupesh Paul tricked me! Why, that guy…

Yes, producer Rupesh Paul has cast her, but he’s known to push boundaries. Aside from getting his first featured denied by the censor board (The Temptation Between My Legs), Paul directed Kamasutra 3D, an upcoming 3D erotic film that has made a lot of money already just from presale rights. It also claims to be the first Indian movie shot entirely at sea (on two custom-made boats) and mentions the Oscars several times in the trailer. So, yeah. Take everything with a grain of salt. Yes, I’ll watch it when it’s available. Because that’s what I do.

Chal Doctor Doctor Khelein is a comedy thriller about medical students and stars Saurabh Kumar and Sonel Singh. It is directed by Saurabh Malik. There have been articles about this since 2013, but if you haven’t heard it, it’s news to you!

Shanti Dynamite is following the footsteps of adult actress Sunny Leone, who debuted in 2012’s Jism 2 and has gone on to to appear in several other Indian films.

After doing some research, I’m pretty sure Shanti Dynamite is not even a porn star, just a woman who is naked and does erotic stuff. But as stated above, porn star makes for better headlines, and so it is reported as such everywhere. Except for TarsTarkas.NET! We do a search on Google, thus making us the leading news source in the universe. It’s easy to be this good when everyone else is so bad!

via Times of India

Bikini Model Academy

Time to enroll in the Bikini Model Academy!


Bikini Model Academy is an upcoming film from New Films International, and looks tailor-made for people who grew up watching ridiculous beach/bikini movies on late night cable. Bikini Model Academy stars Gary Busey, because when you think bikinis, you think Gary Busey! Okay, the weird uncle character has a long and storied history in films where people start bikini-related businesses.

Bikini Model Academy also stars Morgan Fairchild, who is no stranger to showing up in films of dubious quality and being awesome in them. Further cast members include: Benjamin Stone, Phillip Andre Botello, Michelle May, Olivia Alexander, Andriana Manfredi, Meg Barrick, Tara Rice, Clark Gilmer, Emily Bedford, Sina J. Henrie, and Jayda Berkmen.

When T. J. and Benji, two California twenty-something, best buddies, lose their girlfriends, they start a home grown Bikini modeling academy, to make money and meet new girls, in this wacky comedy from New Films Cinema. With a little help from T.J.’s Uncle Seymour, (Gary Busey) the guys begin recruiting pretty girls, until their old grade school enemy, Grub Snout, who owns his own modeling school, tries to shut them down. International Celebrity, Morgan Fairchild, plays the Celebrity Guest Judge, at a hot and funny Bikini Pose-Off competition between the two schools. May the hottest team win!

Writer/director Straw Weisman not only wrote Red Scorpion 2, but he did uncredited work on Cyborg 3: The Recycler. You all knew there was three Cyborg movies, right? Well, you’re wrong, because they’re is FOUR Cyborg films, though Cyborg Nemesis has no official release, IIRC. Weisman has also helmed American Beach House for New Films International, which also looks like a retro throwback 80s/90s beach sex movie.

Now I haven’t seen these films enough to know if they are like the bikini scheme movies of old and are dripping with nudity, or if they are more PG-13. But it does look like there is far more plot than your typical recent softcore film. We shall see what we see when we see it.

via New Films International
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Bikini Model Academy

I like bikinis!


The Heroic Trio 東方三俠

The Heroic Trio (Review)

The Heroic Trio

aka 東方三俠 aka Dong Fang San Xia
The Heroic Trio 東方三俠
1993
Written by Sandy Shaw Lai-King
Directed by Johnnie To Kei-Fung

The Heroic Trio 東方三俠
Next up in Tars reviews classic examples of global cinema that he should have damn well reviewed years ago is The Heroic Trio. Instead of again explaining how this was one of the first couple of Hong Kong films I saw and how it cemented me into a lifelong fan of Hong Kong Action Cinema, I’ll just remind you with this sentence that dismisses the topic while reaffirming it.

Make no mistake, The Heroic Trio is an awesome and classic piece of Hong Kong cinema from the last golden age. Johnnie To directing before he became a film festival darling. The ever-amazing Anita Mui being the most glamorous and moral super hero imaginable. Maggie Cheung as the rebel outsider hero who never looks before she leaps, and whose antics cause worse problems than the ones she tries to solve. Michelle Yeoh as the conflicted hero forced to serve evil. Anthony Wong in a surprisingly restrained performance as an unhinged psychopath.
The Heroic Trio 東方三俠
The Heroic Trio both riffs on and celebrates the glamor of cinema. Characters can often be found posed while events are going down, an off screen fan conveniently nearby to make their hair flow in the wind. They go so far as to have Thief Catcher bring along fashion clothes for the women to wear after the job is done so they’ll look extra spectacular, and shots of the women all doing their model walk as Cantopop sings us out. The obvious Western influences are the Batman films from Burton, but there is a heavy Terminator vibe going on as well. For a more inward look, the vast amount of girls with guns films helped position female-driven action films as a good idea, and some of the set design look straight out of Zu: Warriors from Magic Mountain. At one point a character uses a flying guillotine! The mixmash of films and ideas is one of the factors that makes Hong Kong film so great for the fans. Director Johnnie To lets the mood build not just with the actresses and their poses and expressions, but with a heavy use of Cantopop on the soundtrack, with Anita Mui showing why she was a legendary singing star at every note.

Johnnie To isn’t one to shy away from political metaphors, and The Heroic Trio is no exception. As 1997 and the turnover to China loomed in the minds of every Hong Kong citizen, it naturally became reflected in film. One reason why “Evil Master” seeks out male children is that one will be destined to become the new Emperor of China, under Evil Master’s control. Thus a return to Chinese rule would be a return to the olden days of Emperors, throwing out democratic rule. Mainland China is hardly a beacon of democracy, but the parallel is there. The fear is torn down by empowered women with fashion sense, who preserve the free way of life.
The Heroic Trio 東方三俠
One of the problems with great looking HD releases of films is it makes the wires way more apparent than the second generation VHS tapes I first saw the films on. The Heroic Trio had some shots that you could see the wires on even then, but now things are far more obvious in giving away the magic. Still, someone going through and CGing out all the wires would lose some of the charm, so it’s time to learn to live with such things.

In short, The Heroic Trio is a fun action filled adventure that borrows the best elements of decades of Hong Kong and American cinema to create a new classic.
The Heroic Trio 東方三俠

Tung, The Wonder Woman (Anita Mui Yim-Fong) – The glamorous Wonder Woman is also Tung, the unassuming housewife of Inspector Lau. Remarkably capable, Wonder Woman is the gold standard of awesome in the super heroine world of Hong Kong. Armed with dart blades and a ribbon sword.
Ching, The Invisible Woman (Michelle Yeoh) – Ching was childhood friends with Tung when both were being trained by a good master, but Ching left, only to fall in with Evil Master (and was known as San during that time). Despite literally working for evil, Ching isn’t a bad person, and eventually flips sides. Is invisible due to an invisibility cloak designed by her boyfriend, who is slowly dying as he works on the cloak.
Chat, The Thief Catcher (Maggie Cheung Man-Yuk) – A motorcycle-driving, shotgun brandishing heroine who is not afraid to break out her boomerang knife on anyone. Bounty hunter who is trying to break into being a super hero for hire. Thief Catcher’s haphazard methods result in a lot of dangerous situations, with occasional tragic consequences. That Wonder Woman is so perfect at the super-heroine job just drives Thief Catcher batty. Was childhood friends with Ching when both were taught by Evil Master, but Chat fled after a few years.
Inspector Lau (Damian Lau Chung-Yan) – Loving husband of Tung, and top cop who works with Wonder Woman. And, yes, he’s not so stupid he doesn’t figure out who his wife really is.
Kau (Anthony Wong Chau-Sang) – Kau uses a flying guillotine when sent to kill wonder woman Anthony Wong was the go to guy for creepy in the 90s, and here he’s a slightly sanitized version of one of his gross characters from his many turns as Category III horror villains.
Evil Master (Yen Shi-Kwan) – When you are named Evil Master, you don’t really have a lot of choices in life on what to do for a living. Is looking for a new emperor for China, who he will control and thus rule China.

The Heroic Trio 東方三俠

Tank Girl

Tank Girl (Review)

Tank Girl

Tank Girl
1995
Written by Tedi Sarafian, Alan Martin, and Jamie Hewlett
Directed by Rachel Talalay

Tank Girl
1995 was a banner year for British comics to be converted into big budget American films that did awful at the box office. Both Judge Dredd and Tank Girl came and went with only critical and financial failure to remember them by (Tank Girl also succeeded in bringing down the publisher that originated the comics!) Sometimes films don’t find their audience until years later. Tank Girl‘s energy, charisma, and throw everything at the wall style of film making is perfect for modern audiences raised in an era of ADD entertainment.

Tank Girl is a film filled with energy. It constantly races from scene to scene, rarely stopping to catch a breath, and skipping from genre to genre. Elements of action, comedy, animation, and horror collide. At one point there is even a big musical number! Tank Girl features action sequences that are loaded with gags, and seems well aware at how ridiculous it is. If anything, Tank Girl revels in it’s unseriousness, joyfully becoming a live action cartoon that flies in the face of modern “dark and gritty” takes on comic characters. Tank Girl herself is a wise-cracking punk rocker, who has never met an authority figure she hasn’t rebelled against.
Tank Girl
Tank Girl first appeared in print in the magazine Deadline, the strip a creation of Jamie Hewlett and Alan Martin. Tank Girl soon became popular with counter-culture movements, outstripping the popularity of Deadline and resulting in the publication of collected works, which drew in more fans. Hewlett and Martin sold the rights to make a film thinking the worst that could happen was a campy film. Deadline leveraged itself heavily into the success of the Tank Girl film (which led to the magazine’s demise when the movie failed!) Hewlett and Martin were barely consulted while the film was in production, became annoyed at the studio suits debating on what cool was, and then were called in at the last minute by Rachel Talalay to help salvage the film by providing a bunch of drawings to use as interstitials. Jamie Hewlett would go on to co-create the music group Gorillaz with Damon Albarn, while Alan Martin eventually wrote more Tank Girl stories. Both creators are still sore over their experiences.

The cult audience of Tank Girl extended to Rachel Talalay, at the time best know for producing several John Waters pictures. She helped push a film adaptation as “the ultimate grrrrl movie.” As the studio suits were almost exclusively older men, heads were butted from before the film lensed to through painful focus group after focus group. The increasingly desperate shooting schedule (suffering from being behind schedule) resulted in additional compromises, and the major edits both enhanced the manic weird energy and were obvious rewrites with desperate bridging animation/artwork that only added confusion.
Tank Girl

Zindy the Swamp Boy Rifftrax

Get malaria with Zindy the Swamp Boy – New RiffTrax VOD!


RiffTrax giving us Zindy the Swamp Boy makes sense, because they’re swamping us with new releases! Us René Cardona, Jr fans know this as the film René Cardona and René Cardona III teamed up to be directed by René Cardona, Jr. Okay, one of many times, but now there is a RiffTrax commentary with it! Originally known as Zindy, el Fugitivo de los Pantanos, this 1973 feature is filled with 1970s Mexican cinema goodness while also being incredibly obscure and amazingly titled. Will Zindy hunt down that jerk Pogo and show him that the true enemy isn’t yourself, but is Zindy? Because that’s what I am demanding from Zindy the Swamp Boy! Buy it today at RiffTrax.com!

Riding the tail end of the great Swamp Boy movie craze of the early 70s (see: Columbo the Swamp Boy, McCloud the Swamp Boy, Maude the Swamp Boy) Zindy the Swamp Boy effectively ended the genre. And for good reason: it violated one of the sacred tenants of the swamp boy genre: do not cast the annoying little kid who played Zindy as your swamp boy.

Unfortunately, Zindy was cast in the movie because the director is his father, Rene Cardona Jr, who also made the previously RiffTrax-’d The Bermuda Triangle and Treasure of The Amazon. Unlike those movies, Zindy does not have a killer doll or a nazi hunting Donald Pleasance. It does however have a chimp that does the dishes, gator wrestling, and the world’s most deadly two square feet of quicksand.

When Zindy’s grandfather discovers his son and daughter-in-law have been hospitalized, he does what we’d all do: flee the premises leaving them to die and guns down the man he believes is responsible. Then he gathers up their infant grandson and moves in with a chimp named Toribio. They move into the swamp, right? WRONG. Turns out Zindy the Swamp Boy is actually forbidden from entering the swamp, or more specifically the swamp zone. Yep, it’s that kind of movie. Sadly, Zindy also plays the flute, so you quickly begin to root for a quick outbreak of malaria to sweep through the swamp and all attached zones.

Fortunately, the movie has an ending so wonderful that you’ll want to start the movie over as soon as it’s done, just to relive everything you just saw with the knowledge of where it’s leading. To say any more would be a disservice to you. Please watch, and experience Zindy The Swamp Boy for the first time.

Zindy the Swamp Boy Rifftrax