Hercules Reborn Asylum

Yes there is an Asylum Hercules!


Everyone else is doing Hercules, so why not Asylum? Theirs is called Hercules Reborn, featuring an aged Hercules returning from banishment to be a hero again. It’s called keeping yourself busy while in retirement!

When a young man’s bride is kidnapped by an evil king, he turns to Hercules for help. The fallen hero has been living in exile, banished for killing his family, but the young man’s courage inspires Hercules. Together, they fight to rescue the bride and reclaim Hercules’ honor.

Hercules is played by WWE’s Johnny Nitro himself, John Morrison. Costarring Christian Oliver, James Duval, Christina Ulfsparre, and Dylan Vox. Hercules Reborn director Nick Lyon has helmed Bermuda Tentacles, 4Closed, Species 4, and Grendel. Writer Jim Hemphill has written and directed two prior films, including the horror film Bad Reputation. I’m not sure which Jose Montesinos is the cowriter, but I think it’s this one.

Hercules Reborn officially releases July 8th. It certainly won’t be the worst Hercules movie of the year!

via Asylum
Hercules Reborn Asylum

Grumpy Cat Lifetime Christmas

Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever – a live-action Grumpy Cat movie on Lifetime!

Grumpy Cat Lifetime Christmas

In deformed cats getting exploited by their owners news, Grumpy Cat will be getting a Lifetime Christmas movie where the cat will talk and other internet memes will stop on by for guest spots. Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever comes complete with a self-descriptive title, though the irony may be lost.

Grumpy Cat will talk, playing an ignored pet store pet (it couldn’t be a shelter pet, could it?) who talks to a 12-year-old girl. No one, not even Grumpy Cat’s voice, has been cast yet. Tim Hill and Jeff Morris will write the script for Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever. Hill previously did work on SpongeBob SquarePants and Action League Now!. So maybe the script won’t be that terrible. Maybe.

Lifetime is casting the voice of Grumpy for the live-action project, which will shoot this summer. The cable network said the movie, which (vp original movies Arturo) Interian describes as “a little Home Alone and a little Die Hard,” would also feature cameos from other famous Internet memes.

Grumpy Cat Die Hard. Right. Unless the other memes take the pet store hostage and Grumpy Cat murders them one by one, this sounds completely awful. Will Lil Bub show up? What about other deformed cats? Will a cat play a keyboard? Questions people will ask, that will only be answered this Christmas on Lifetime!

Thedeal was announced a year ago, though it’s obvious from the story the original intent was to get it to theaters. Lifetime has snatched it up, and is cementing itself as the leading source of schlocky exploitation film. Only Asylum is even close, and they’re one of Lifetime’s movie sources!

Expect more news on this as we approach the holidays, including trailers and stills and casting announcements and catnip possession scandals.

via THR

Snakehead Swamp SyFy

Bring your hip waders for Snakehead Swamp on SyFy!

Snakehead Swamp SyFy

I think I saw this dude riding the bus last week…


This year is the 10th anniversary of when SyFy (then known as SciFi Channel) aired two separate snakehead fish original movies in the same year: Frankenfish and Snakehead Terror. What better way to celebrate this anniversary than with another SyFy snakehead film, Snakehead Swamp!

Snakehead Swamp stars Ayla Kell(Make It or Break It), Antonio Fargas(Starsky and Hutch), Terri Garber(As the World Turns), Dave Randolph-Mayhem Davis (Heebie Jeebies and Ghost Shark), and Sloane Coe (Ghost Shark). It’s directed by cinematographer Don E. FauntLeRoy, who also directed Anaconda 3 and 4 and Bering Sea Beast. Writer Greg Mitchell (Official site) has only one other film credit, Amazing Love, but has several books for sale.

The plot:

The Big Easy gets a shake up when snakehead fish terrorize Louisiana’s swamp

Yep. Okay. As this is another Louisiana film, it will be packed with local actors you’ll recognize from all sorts of recent productions taking advantage of tax benefits. Perhaps the snakehead fish will be trying to devour that, in a metacommentary on film production. Or more likely they’ll just eat a bunch of random people, and that will be fun, too!

Snakehead Swamp premieres June 28th on SyFy!

via SyFy

Bruce Lee

Why is the Bruce Lee biopic Birth of the Dragon starring a white guy?

Bruce Lee

The news hit the interwebz recently that a Bruce Lee biopic called Birth of the Dragon is moving forward, with George Nolfi of The Adjustment Bureau fame attached as director. The film will be about Lee’s 1965 duel with martial arts master Wong Jack Man, which ultimately was about whether non-Chinese people should be taught kung fu. Though reports vary on the winner, the accepted view is that Bruce Lee won. It’s in response to this fight that lead Bruce Lee down the road to develop his own martial arts style, Jeet Kune Do, after determining that wing chun wasn’t practical for fighting. So the fight has important historical significance. That’s not the problem, though.

The story of the match is told from the perspective of Steve Macklin, a young disciple of Lee, who ultimately joins forces with Lee and Wong to battle a vicious band of Chinatown gangsters.

Yes, this Bruce Lee biopic about Bruce Lee stars STEVE MACKLIN? Who the fuck is Steve Macklin? I can’t even tell if Steve Macklin is a real person because Google is now filled with hundreds of blogs that copy/pasted the original story. There is no Steve Macklin in this list of students of Bruce Lee’s nor on this section about his Oakland school. I can only conclude that the character of Steve Macklin is fake.

Not only that, I can also conclude that he’s probably white. But even if he’s black, it still leads to the same problem, which is we have a movie about an Asian-American, probably the most famous Asian-American ever, and it can’t even have an Asian star. It’s got to be about a white guy! Did the producers of the The Last Airbender film suddenly get put in charge?

Did I miss an important piece of pop culture where instead of people of all races wearing Bruce Lee shirts and putting up Bruce Lee posters for 40 years, everyone has been wearing Steve Macklin shirts? Again, who the fuck is Steve Macklin?

A Bruce Lee biopic is the last place I would expect yet another example of Hollywood’s reluctance to cast Asian males in leading roles. The Last Airbender is the most famous example of recent casting that eliminates minority roles (and thus spawned that racebending term), other examples include Benedict Cumberbatch as Khan in Star Trek Into Darkness, the film 21 (the guy who wrote the book the film is about is Asian, but white in the film), Mike Myers as an Indian in The Love Guru (shudder!), and Jake Gyllenhaal as the Prince of Persia.

The fact that I’m writing this soon after a weekend where a female-lead movie (Maleficent) did $70 million, followed by a weekend where the female-driven The Fault in Our Stars and Maleficent demolished Tom Cruise’s latest action vehicle at the box office, is especially weird. We can have films with non-white male leads that make money! There are plenty of awesome Asian-American and Asian actors would would make great leads.

A bunch words written on TarsTarkas.NET by some guy with a computer won’t change how Hollywood does business. But it does add to the voices who are pushing back against stupidity. And it is stupid as hell to have a Bruce Lee movie where Bruce Lee isn’t the main character. So who the fuck is Steve Macklin? Someone people DON’T want a movie about!

(No offense to the actual Steve Macklins out there who have nothing to do with this film.)

Make fangs for Vampire Schoolgirls!

Vampire Schoolgirls is a film I found out about by following trails on the IMDB while looking at who starred in what and then looking at their costars and suddenly I’m in films I’ve never heard of. I play the same game with Wikipedia sometimes. Thanks to this film being almost invisible on the internet (and one of the production companies being called “Black Fish Films” that returns only Google results for the film Blackfish), all I know about Vampire Schoolgirls is what is on the imdb page. Which includes a plot synopsis and writer and some stars, but no director. But as Douglas Knox has directed all the shorts he previously wrote, it might be safe to assume he’s directing here. This also looks like his first feature length film.

In a town infested with Vampires, the citizens hire a priest and his team of sexy Vampire Hunters to drive them out, but a new girl in town could be the secret weapon they have been looking for in their war with the vampires.

Listed cast on IMDB: Christiana Leucas, Catherine Annette, Jessica Andres, Matthew Ashford, Lindsay Lamb, Dawn Michaels, Craig Michaelson, Lana Kirata, Kristin Elliott, Victoria Levine, Patrick Coleman Duncan, and Jamie Suraci. Vampire Schoolgirls has a 2015 release date scheduled, we’ll keep you in the know if further developments develop!

The Mentor Lifetime

The Mentor – Lifetime meets evil, and it’s a man!

The Mentor Lifetime

Lifetime is taking a break from novel adaptations and play adaptations and killer internet tales to go old school, and by that I mean breaking out the evil evil men! The Mentor features an obsessed stalker coworker who acts as a mentor to his victim. Throw in a dead kid and a stressed marriage, and this is like a superflu version of a regular Lifetime film, multiple plots rolled into one! Hopefully it’s far more fun than Captain Trips…

The Mentor is yet another film written by Lifetime super-star Christine Conradt, who must be single-handedly keeping Lifetime in the movie business by the rate that she keeps pumping out scripts! Director Anthony Lefresne has directed Another Man’s Wife and the upcoming Guilty at 17 (another in the at 17 series!)

Battlestar Galactica alum Aaron Douglas plays the stalker/mentor Paul Allenham, Jes Macallan plays the woman who gets an awful coworker, and Nic Bishop plays her estranged husband.

For some reason there isn’t much about this film at all on Lifetime’s site, they are barely acknowledging it’s a new film and have skipped on to promoting Outlaw Prophet: Warren Jeffs, and the only promo shot is an image so bad even Aaron Douglas has made fun of it! But TarsTarkas.NET is on the case, and that shot is the one at the top of this article!

Elizabeth May tries to put the loss of her eight-year-old daughter behind her by going back to teaching. Under the stress of the tragedy her husband Brian May has moved out while Elizabeth is desperate to save her marriage and return to a life of normalcy. In her new job she is assigned a mentor, Paul Allenham, who is hiding a deep dark violent past. Paul has an immediate and unsettling attraction to Elizabeth; he will do anything to secure her love.

The Mentor premieres June 14th on Lifetime!

via Lifetime