Stranded in Paradise Hallmark Channel

Hallmark leaves you Stranded in Paradise!

Stranded in Paradise Hallmark Channel

They’ll pave this and put up a parking lot…over my dead body!

http://www.hallmarkchannel.com/strandedinparadise

Hallmark pumps out original movies in a regular fashion, so it’s high time TarsTarkas.NET started covering their movies more and possibly even watching and reviewing them if I have time and space on the DVR and they don’t get in the way of the Lifetime movies. So in that spirit of “Sure, why not?”, it’s time to talk about Stranded in Paradise, the most recent Hallmark Original Movie, premiering August 9th on Hallmark Channel!

Tess Nelson (Vanessa Marcil) is a poised and confident human resources executive who is aiming for a well-deserved promotion, but when her boss informs her she’s being laid off instead, Tess is furious and worried about letting down her demanding mother, Mona (Cindy Pickett). Determined to use a business trip to an HR convention in Puerto Rico to score a new job, she is discouraged when the trip is a disaster from the start and an approaching hurricane makes it impossible to fly home. But, after bumping into a handsome fellow traveler, Carter (James Denton), Tess opens up to the possibilities beyond her desk job, and the couple’s adventures on the island bring them closer while the hurricane rolls in. With help from a fearless and friendly local, Stella (Gladys Rodri´guez), Carter, and Tess take shelter. Will Tess’ unanticipated risk lead her to a happiness she never dreamed of and a love that goes beyond a week in paradise?

Well, that’s a welcome change from being murdered in paradise, like you would have been on Lifetime! Stranded in Paradise is one of those movies about finding yourself that’s target to a more female audience. That doesn’t mean those films are bad, they just aren’t the usual science fiction/drama stuff. It stars Vanessa Marcil (The Rock), James Denton (Desperate Housewives), Cindy Pickett (Elf Sparkle and the Special Red Dress), and Gladys Rodríguez (The Caller)

Stranded in Paradise directed by Bert Kish (Snow Bride) and is written by Tracy Andreen (also Snow Bride) Check it out August 9th on Hallmark Channel!

via Hallmark

Saved by the Bell Lifetime Unauthorized

The Lifetime Saved by the Bell movie dropped a preview trailer!

Saved by the Bell Lifetime Unauthorized

Unfortunately, the trailer is on…BUZZFEED! Whatever barfo deal they worked out with Buzzfeed that means I have to go freaking Buzzfeed to look at an unembeddable trailer is annoying. But I do get bonus smugness because the Buzzfeed “article” is shorter than most of my news articles and mostly copy/pasted. But then I lose the smugness when I realize the writer got paid for this crap and is probably getting bonus pay thanks to all the links for views, including the one here. Oh well, fuck that guy. But what is important is this preview shows the cast of Bayside High HATES each other, and that’s awesome. It’s also all set to Bell Biv DeVoe’s Poison, which is also awesome.

We got girls being catty, girls being flirty, competitive pushups, Screech calling Slater a “prick”, Mark-Paul Gosselaar not giving a crap, and executives making snide remarks about hormones. It’s awesome. Have I mentioned that? Thunderstorms and lightning and hail couldn’t keep me from watching this!

The cast:
Dylan Everett as Mark-Paul Gosselaar
Sam Kindseth as Dustin Diamond
Julian Works as Mario Lopez
Alyssa Lynch as Tiffani-Amber Thiessen
Tiera Skovbye as Elizabeth Berkley
Taylor Russell McKenzie as Lark Voorhies

It’s directed by Jason Lapeyre (who made I Declare War), with a teleplay by Ron McGee (Girl vs. Monster).

The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story airs September 1st on Lifetime!

via (sigh) Buzzfeed

Sole Custody Lifetime Arson Mom

Sole Custody burns its way on Lifetime!


Those darn men are at it again! This time, an evil man is up to no good, burning houses in his neighborhood. Specifically his own house, framing his wife for the murder of their child. Except he didn’t count on the fact she would put on a wig and solve the case! At least I’m assuming she solves the case, maybe she dies or something in the end. But the fact of the matter is, Julie Benz is Zoey, aka super cop mom, and with Timmy gets faked killed by her evil husband it’s time to go all revenge! Originally called Arson Mom, Lifetime renamed it Sole Custody (as child custody hearings are scarier than fire!) and it’s the latest original movie!

Zoey, a cyber crime cop, and Barry, a detective, raise their son, Timmy, in a quiet suburban neighborhood. When Zoey confides in her best friend about shift work and the lack of spark in her marriage. Zoey’s mind is set in motion and when she discovers Barry is screwing around, she calls him out. Willing to give him a second chance, Zoey tries to mend her marriage. When Barry is seen again with “that” woman, Zoey gets a restraining order and sole custody of Timmy. Late one night a fire in her home tragically takes the life of her son. The evidence points to Zoey taking sleeping pills and smoking – she’s charged with Timmy’s murder. Zoey goes to Barry for help but he’s distant and blames her. Zoey fights back, convinced she was set up to take the blame for Timmy’s death. As she fights to prove her own innocence she gets the biggest shock of all.

Sole Custody stars Julie Benz, Ian Carter, Samantha Ferris, Chelah Horsdal Chelsey Reist, Matthew Kevin Anderson, and Rick Ravanello. It’s directed by Brenton Spencer (who has done a bunch of television work) and written by Brian D. Young (Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep and the upcoming Patient Killer) and Gary E. Imhoff (just this) The film has been released overseas, so maybe you can already watch it if you are clever. Or just wait until it’s on tv for free! Even more clever!

Sole Custody premieres August 16th on Lifetime!

via Lifetime

Sole Custody Lifetime Arson Mom

Leeloo Dallas Multipass

Stacked Racks From Mars

Stacked Racks from Mars (Review)

Stacked Racks from Mars

Stacked Racks From Mars
2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

They got all this way before they realized they left Grandpa back at the gas station!

Earth is once again the target of alien conquest and alien lust in Stacked Racks from Mars! Invading aliens are always coming to Earth with plans to invade, and plans to have fun shore leaves, which almost always result in the aliens choosing not to invade. If there’s one thing humans are known for in the galaxy, it’s fucking anything and everything that comes to Earth. ALF, ET, Predator, Mac – they all pulled in tons of tail! Where do you think Disney gets the raw components for their latest generation of kids from?

Stacked Racks From Mars

Oh, forget the plot, let’s just make out!


Stacked Racks from Mars is another femalien invasion movie where alien ladies possess the bodies of Earth ladies and proceed to go on a sex spree. This time, the ladies specifically say they were conscious the entire time while the aliens use their bodies to have sex with random people. However, they don’t seem to be shocked at all by the experience of being possessed and coerced into situations of rape, and are instead more mad at their husbands, who have sex with the alien women. That’s a neat trick to try to dismiss the fact the women are being raped, and unfortunately I have to give demerits to Stacked Racks from Mars because I’ve never been comfortable with these scenes, and prefer everyone being totally down with getting down. At least this time the women are freed, unlike in Housewives from Another World, where they are trapped forever while the aliens control their bodies.

Stacked Racks from Mars is cartoonish in nature, with several scenes that are played up for ridiculousness. The ending especially, which gives off Benny Hill vibes and deflates what should be more serious repercussions. If you miss that spaceship set that gets used a lot in low-budget features, it makes a reappearance, complete with a sex scene on the table. All the other classic Retromedia/Synthetic Filmwerx stuff is present, from the usual core cast (with a few newbies) to the familiar music.

Stacked Racks From Mars

Wait, sex with aliens causes impotency???


Vala 27 (Erika Jordan) – Experienced commander of infiltration and invasion missions for her empire. Despite her battle-hardened persona, still likes to engage in pleasures of the flesh in the local fashion.
Isis 15 (Christie Stevens) – Fellow female alien conqueror. Is very interested in the pornographic transmissions of the Earth creatures. This is her first conquest/recon mission.
Veronica (Beverly Lynne) – Customer service representative at Merton Products. Is married to Jim. Upset that her husband is always working on the weekends. Is possessed by Vala.
Stephanie (Sophia Bella) – Fellow employee at Merton Products. Is married to Mike. Also upset that her husband is always working on the weekends. Is possessed by Isis.
Jim (Voodoo as Alex Boisvert) – Drone worker at Merton Products who is always busy on the weekends at work, but he’s really busy doing something mysterious with Mike. Married to Veronica. Very bad at hiding, and at acting calm.
Mike (Seth Gamble) – Drone worker at Merton Products who is always busy on the weekends at work, but he’s really busy doing something mysterious with Jim. Very good at hiding, but not at acting calm.
Mr. D’Angelo (Ryan Driller) – Arrogant boss at Merton Products who doesn’t respect his workers, their wives, or potential HR and lawsuit problems that come with sleeping with the wife of an employee who is also an employee.
Stacked Racks From Mars

But we have no shelves, how can we stack?

Piranha Sharks

Piranha Sharks bite back with new trailer!


Upcoming flick Piranha Sharks has released a new trailer and a hauntingly familiar promo poster, as well as taking a few potshots at director Leigh Scott’s former employers, Asylum. The trailer is above and features Kevin Sorbo running around as the mayor while genetically modified piranha sharks infest the water supply. It looks like Jose Canseco took a break from sending sentence fragments as tweets to turn on his webcam and record a short segment as well.

PIRANHA SHARKS is a horror comedy that follows the disaster caused when a genetically engineered bio-weapons, mini-piranha/shark hybrids, are sold as children’s toys in big-box retailers and then unleashed upon Manhattan.

Starring Kevin Sorbo, Jose Canseco, Al Snow, Collin Galyean, Ramona Mallory, Josh Hammond, John Wells, Frederic Doss, Amy Blackman, Ashe Parker, Brandon Stacy, Benjamin Kanes, Barry Ratcliffe, Noel Thurman and Gina Marie Zimmerman.

Piranha Sharks will be released Friday via Vimeo, with a rental at $1.49 and $5.99 to buy. That’s pretty cheap, and if you are the kind of person who is into that kind of film (Hint: If you are on TarsTarkas.NET, you probably are!), now you got some cheap entertainment options!

Official site

Piranha Sharks

Sharknado 2 the Second One SyFy

Sharknado 2: The Second One (Review)

Sharknado 2: The Second One

Sharknado 2 the Second One SyFy
2014
Written by Thunder Levin
Directed by Anthony C. Ferrante

How can the same shark happen to the same guy twice?

The Sharknadoes are back and this time they’re taking on the Big Apple! But New Yorkers aren’t going to just stand by and let their city get destroyed by a bunch of shark-laced tornadoes. Thus the people fight back, and more importantly, returning Sharknado hero Fin leads the fight against the sharknadoes. With Sharknado 2: The Second One, Asylum and SyFy step back into the world of viral creature feature movies, and score a monster hit. Not only was this the highest SyFy original movie ever (with 3.9 million viewers), but it’s also entertaining and fun. The action is bigger and more consistent throughout the whole film, leading to less of the pacing problem that the original Sharknado faced.
Sharknado 2 the Second One SyFy
Sharknado 2 edges its predecessor with more ridiculous stunts and better graphics. The money shots are given a high quality look to better make cool gifs. The well-paced action provides continual entertainment, beginning with a ridiculously awesome plane sequence that just keeps raising the stakes and the body count. The excuses to get people moving around felt more genuine than Sharknado‘s goal post moving search for family. Sharknado 2 has what is the best excuse for not being able to reach someone by cell phone I’ve seen in a movie (the guy shuts it off so he can spend quality time with his son and not be distracted by work! So much better than random “out of service” shots or just ignoring phones altogether.)
Sharknado 2 the Second One SyFy
Fin Shepard (Ian Ziering) and his ex-wife April Wexler (Tara Reid), who he is now reconciling with, are on route to New York City, his hometown and where his sister and her family live. But the flight path is right through the latest forming sharknado, and soon the plane is a disasterpiece that Fin has to land himself. Things become a desperate struggle to get his family to safety and to save the city from the sharknadoes, while chomping death flies in the skies and rains down on the people. Only chainsaws, buzzsaw hands, swords, guns, freon tanks, and a host of celebrity cameos can save New York City from nature’s wrath!
Sharknado 2 the Second One SyFy