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Devil Girl From Mars
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Devil Girl From Mars (Review)

March 3, 2005By


Devil Girl From Mars


1954
Starring
Patricia Laffan as Nyah
Hugh McDermott as Michael Carter
Peter Reynolds as Robert/Albert Simpson
Adrienne Corri as Doris
Joseph Tomelty as Professor Arnold Hennessey

Let’s kick off Mars March with a hot one! This 1954 festival of cheese has an angry woman from Mars, escaped convict, cripple disintegration, and a robot that will make you think your refrigerator has sprouted legs and is making 1950’s B movies. I love that robot. This film is based on a play, and it shows. The set is basically one place (except for a brief drop off in the ship or right outside the inn) and the dialog is pure play. Even if your only exposure to play was being dragged to high school drama plays by your friends, you will recognize the styling, the explanations, the forced reasons for characters to exit the stage so the plot can happen.

Ninja Academy
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Ninja Academy (Review)

March 1, 2005By

Ninja Academy


1990
Starring
Will Egan as Josh
Gerald Okamura as Chiba
Kelly Randall as Gail
Seth Foster as Addleman!!!!!
Jeff Robinson as The Damned Mime
Directed by Nico Mastorakis!

Nico Mastorakis is back, this time with a new horror: Police Academy meets Enter the Ninja. The concept is just as bad as it sounds, in fact it’s even worse, as Nico Mastorakis is at the helm. Our previous encounters with Mr. Mastorakis include Glitch! and .com for Murder, though this is the first film I ever saw of his. This film also has one other aspect that earned Nico my ire for the rest of my days. Seth Foster plays a character named Addleman. As an Addleman, I was at first thrilled to see that there was a character somewhere in a movie with my name and spelled my way for once. That was before I saw the horror that is Seth Foster. Addleman is an overweight, cuss talking, sweaty oaf who backstabs, cheats, murders, and comes off as a second rate Joe Don Baker. Not that this is that inaccurate, but Nico Mastorakis made a fatal error, as I consider this a direct shot at me. This film was the first Mastorakis film I saw, and it laid the groundwork for the skyscraper of hate that has since been constructed against that man, ninety stories tall and climbing.


Dinosaurus
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Dinosaurus! (Review)

February 26, 2005By

Dinosaurus!


1960
Starring
Ward Ramsey as Bart Thompson
Kristina Hanson as Betty Piper
Alan Roberts as Julio
Fred Engelberg as Mike Hacker

This relict from the 1950’s type of cinema bursts into the swinging sixties trying the same formula that had worked for 15 years. Unfortunately for them it fails to work. At all. Ward Ramsey is a third rate Peter Graves wanna be. In fact, according to rumor this was supposed to be a Steve McQueen role. Yeah, sure. Bullitt vs. Dinosaurs, that would be entertaining, but the director here couldn’t pull off a paint by numbers picture. Neither could the special effects department, the effects are particularly bad on this film considering the age. If you aren’t Ray Harryhausen don’t even try to pretend you can do his skills. The film tries to cover the cheap effect with terrible comic relief insulting the only interesting character (the caveman) and factors in an annoying island kid, a lazy black guy, a drunk Irishman, a woman who faints underwater, and The White Man saving the day thanks to White Man technology. Yeesh. I will repeat that the kid was annoying as he is terrible. Imagine any of the Kens from the Gamera movies, make him Mexican and named Julio, and you get this kid.

Super Ninjas
InBad, Movie Reviews

Super Ninjas (Review)

February 23, 2005By

Super Ninjas

aka Wu dun ren shu aka Chinese Super Ninjas aka Five Element Ninjas


1982
Starring
Ricky Cheng Tien-Chi as Shao Tien-hao
Lo Meng as Ji Shang
??? as Lead Ninja
??? as Yen Chang
Chen Hei Psi as Mr. Kang



A Shaw Brothers film. Quality Kung Fu, and Ninjas, too! Half the names I got I can’t find in cast lists, so we’ll just have to wing it for some of them.

After an announcement about the authenticity of the Japanese weapons used in this film, the story begins. Two groups are vying for control of the Kung Fu world. Mr. Kang controls the group that is challenging for the position, they are dressed in darker colors and are the bad guys. The group in charge is led by Yen Chang, and the group is all dressed in white outfits. Shao Tien-hao is a young member of the white team, he will be important later so we mention him here. There is a whole slew of names given for the tournament fighters on both sides, most of which I didn’t catch. There are ten rounds to be fought, one at a time. White team guy with a bo staff beats a Dark Team guy with two sawblade looking weapons for round one. Round two is won by a White team member named Mu Fin (Muffin?) who has daggers. More and more rounds are fought, with the White team winning each time. The final round is ready to be fought, and Mr. Kang has a surprise: a Japanese Samurai is brought out to represent his side. Yen Chang sends one of his men to fight him, a guy wielding an axe, and also wielding a noodly dubbed voice. Axe Guy loses, and is taunted by the Samurai “Lose of a fight equals loss of one’s life for a samurai!” Axe Guy kill himself. Now a new challenger for the Samurai, a guy named Ji Shang. Ji Shang will fight against the Katana wielding samurai with just his bare hands. Ji Shang is a much better fighter than Axe Guy, and even eventually takes Samurai’s sword. They pause, as Ji Shang has won. Samurai gets a different sword, which he will use for seppuku. Samurai gives Mr. Kang a letter with the name of a ninja on it, and throws a ring at Yen Chang that will be used to identify the ninja when he arrives. Then Samurai dies.

Exterminator
InBad, Movie Reviews

The Exterminator (Review)

February 19, 2005By

The Exterminator


1980
Starring
Robert Ginty as John Eastland
Christopher George as Detective James Dalton
Tony DiBenedetto as Chicken Pimp
Steve James as Michael Jefferson


Finally, a movie about what happens when cyborgs retire from their jobs of going back in time and killing unborn resistance leaders, moving down to Florida and hitching up their pants to their armpits. Huh? The movie is a Punisher rip-off? Damn it! Foiled again! Well, this is at least better than the first Punisher movie, and it was so popular despite being direct to video it managed a sequel!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

.com for Murder (Review)

February 17, 2005By

.com for Murder


2002
Starring
Nastassja Kinski as Sondra Brummel
Nicolette Sheridan as Misty Brummel
Roger Daltrey as Ben
Huey Lewis as Matheson
Jeffery Dean as Werther
Directed by Nico Mastorakis!


After ten years of being banished to Greece directing TV shows that will thankfully only be seen by Greeks, Nico Mastorakis returns to bring us more horror. Not that this horror is scary in the way intended, but horror as we thought he was gone forever, but now we know we can never be free of Nico Mastorakis. The genius that brought you Glitch! and Ninja Academy returns from a long absence sans Will Egan, but now with someone even more disturbing, Jeffery Dean. Funny-but-sad disturbing? Nope, replace that with creepy stalkish emoish forgot-to-take-his-pills disturbing.


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