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Christian Slater Alone in the Dark
InSite News

2006 Tarsies Nominations

February 7, 2006By

The 2006 Razzies were a disappointment to say the least. They’ve dropped all pretense of rewarding the worst of the worst, and nominated anyone they could to get into the scandal mags. Well, enough is enough. We need real leadership. We need real decisiveness. Therefore, TarsTarkas.NET has sprung into action, and started our own award. Titled the “Tarsies” (as opposed to the alternatives Tarzzies and Tarscers) we strive to bring respect back to Bad Movie Awards. So, without further ado, we shall begin with our nominations. The winners will be announced in a week or so, because we can’t keep the world in suspense for so long…

Worst Movie

Alone in the Dark Uwe Boll’s tragedy of a video game adaptation.
Son of the Mask That dog tried to murder the baby! It’s FUNNY!
xXx: State of the Union This movie did so bad the director Lee Tamahori had to sell his body for money! (OK, that’s not why he did that, but still…)
Elektra “Some lessons can’t be taught, Elektra. They must be lived to be understood.” I’ve lived and now understand the harsh lesson taught here…
Cry_Wolf “Did you hear about all the murders on campus?” “LOL Who is this?”

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

House of the Dead 2 (Review)

February 4, 2006By

House of the Dead 2

aka House of the Dead 2: Dead Aim

2006
Starring
Emmanuelle Vaugier as Alex “Nightingale”
Ed Quinn as Ellis
Sticky Fingaz as Dalton
Victoria Pratt as Henson
James Parks as Bart
Dan Southworth as Nakagawa
Nadine Velazquez as Rodriguez
Sid Haig as Professor Curien
Directed by Michael Hurst

Dr. Uwe Boll shocked the world with his adaptation of Sega Games House of the Dead. Shocked as in people were shocked at how inept and mishandled a movie could be in this day and age. Despite being a bigger box office bomb than Hiroshima, House of the Dead made money, mostly through advanced DVD sales and television rights selling, combined with a German tax loophole that Boll is an expert in exploiting. Following the rules of Hollywood, if a movie even makes 1/2 a cent of profit, a sequel is instantly approved. Thus, we now are graced with House of the Dead 2. 95% of sequels are worse than their predecessors, but this is one of the rare 5% that is actually better than the film it’s related to. Does that make HOTD2 a good movie? Far from it, but it’s much more fun, and put together better. It’s still full of plot holes so large the planet earth could glide through with zero difficulty, and acting that’s outshone by posters on the wall. Dr. Boll was busy filming BloodRayne, so he was unable to make Cinematic Abortion 2: Abortion Boogaloo, so instead we get former kickboxing champion Michael Hurst. Michael Hurst may be familiar to you as the cowriter of Mansquito and Nature Unleashed: Fire, so he is versatile in the realm of schlock and crap. The two main stars are Ed Quinn from Starship Troopers 2, and Emmanuelle Vaugier, fresh off her starring role in Cerberus. Bonus stars who are actually much more famous than the leads include Sticky Fingaz as the leader of the Special forces group, who will become Blade in the TV series based on the movies. We also get Sid Haig, from House of 1000 Corpses, who must be trying to corner the market on House of…. movies, when he’s not starring with Pam Grier. There’s also a Power Ranger running around somewhere. Sure, it’s a dangerous film, fraught with the horrors of bad cinema, but it outshines it’s predecessor in several way. Is there any video game scenes as cuts? Is there 360 degree Matrix-style shots of every character? Is the small improvements enough to prevent damage to the minds of those who see this? Read on, read on…

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Vampire Vixens (Review)

January 25, 2006By

Vampire Vixens


2003
Starring
Mia Copia (Tina Krause) as Dracoola
AJ Khan as Diane Shelton
John Fedele as Wally Van Helsing
Misty Mundae as A Lesbian
Elizabeth Hitchcock
Zack Snygg as Eugene
Directed by John Bacchus

Seduction Cinema pumps out film after film each year, all with the same formula: A loosely defined plot that spoofs a popular film happens haphazardly around half a dozen or so lesbian sex scenes that average seven minutes or so. This film….follows that formula. The second entry into their filmography on our site (That 70’s Girl was the first) complete with the important details: Misty Mundae and AJ Khan. Mainly, Misty Mundae for the name draw, but AJ Khan pulls in the fans of the minor characters like myself. John Bacchus continues his streak of Seduction Cinema films with what is a follow-up to the 1998 film Vampire Seduction. Or so the intro tells us, I’ve never seen the original. Because the film has a plot so simplistic it was probably suggested by a local kindergartener, the film needs all the padding it can get, and if some of that padding is in the bras that quickly drop to the floor off of the supporting cast, so much the better. The two male characters seem to be competing for the title of Nerdiest Nerd, and both would be declared winners. It’s fun in a goofy way to watch them overact so much they travel back in time. Trust me, that comment makes sense when you’ve seen the film. The title villainess is Dracoola, who was from the previous film. She must also exist in plural form, because the movie promises “Vampire Vixens” yet Dracoola is the only Vampire. There are plenty of other vixens, so it is conceivable that one or two of them just happen to be vampires as well, but the subject is never brought up. Therefore, the movie does not deliver on it’s title promise. When I see Transformers, I see Transformers; when I see Crash, I see some crashes (both versions); when I see Robocop, I see someone who is part man, part machine, all cop. Don’t tempt me with false promises.

Dragon Fighter
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Dragon Fighter (Review)

January 21, 2006By

Dragon Fighter


2003
Starring
Dean Cain as Captain David Carver
Kristine Byers as Dr. Meredith Winter
Robert Zachar as Dr. Ian Drackovich
Marcus Aurelius as Dr. Greg Travis
Robert DiTillio as Kevin Korisch

Dragons in Space seem too ridiculous for you? How about…Dragons Underground? Sci-Fi Channel answers the question that has plagued mankind for ages: What would happen if a dragon was trapped in an underground compound? This is no ordinary dragon, but it’s a science fiction movie staple dragon, which is a big bunch of CGI. What can stop this CGI terror? A bunch of LOTR rip-offs? Christian Bale? Superman? Hey, Superman is right! Dean Cain is on the case, and he is all that stands between Dragon domination of the underground and Homo sapiens superiority. Dean Cain is the Kryptonite to dragons, who demand that the son of Jor-El kneel before them. Will Superman emerge triumphant? Will dragons have their day? Will this movie rip off large sections of Alien and Aliens like every other low-budget sci-fi flick? Read on, gentle readers, and make sure you’re wearing some flame-retardant clothes for when the dragons strike.


Bloodrayne
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Bloodrayne (Review)

January 15, 2006By

Bloodrayne


2005
Starring
Kristanna Loken as Rayne
Michelle Rodriguez as Katarin
Ben Kingsley as Kagan
Michael Madsen as Vladimir
Matt Davis as Sebastian
Billy Zane as Elrich
Meat Loaf as Leonid
Directed by Uwe Boll

Uwe Boll is back! Dr. Boll returns with yet another lame video game to lamer movie adaptation! Miles away from House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne shows us how Dr. Boll has grown as a filmmaker. Like an inoperable brain tumor. Bloodrayne reaches new heights of lowness. That may not make sense, but it makes more sense than the movie. Bloodrayne the game is about a half-vampire girl named Rayne who kills Nazis, and the famous for losing money sequel involve her fighting her father Kagan in the year 2000 or so. Rayne is also pale white, and was in Playboy for some God forsaken reason. The German Uwe Boll apparently was not too keen on having Rayne kill a bunch of Germans, even though they were zombies, so he just rewrote everything and made it take place in the 1700s in Romania. Dr. Boll is to cinema what the desert is to a thirsty mouth. Defying all logic, Dr. Boll managed to score a plethora of big named stars, and will have even bigger names in his future projects. A juggernaut of suck, watch out you don’t get ran down.

Manticore
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Manticore (Review)

January 7, 2006By

Manticore


2005
Starring
Robert Beltran as Sgt. Tony Baxter
Heather Donahue as Kinks
Chase Masterson as Ashley Pierce
Michail Elenov as Fathi
Edmund Druilhet as Sergeant Cohen
Jonas Talkington as Mouth
Jeff Fahey as Major Spence Kramer
Richard Gnolfo as John Busey
Jeff M. Lewis as Ortiz

You can like the Iraq War, you can hate the Iraq War, but one thing we can all agree on: thank goodness giant man-eating manticores aren’t eating our troops! Sci-Fi Channel, America’s Pulse, once again goes where only few men dare, in bringing us the answers to the tough questions. Manticores running wild, former Star Trek cast members scattered like looted museum pieces, Manticore is the ultimate answer to the question not even the most brave of souls had the strength, the testicular fortitude to dare ask. The WMDs are real, and they think humans are delicious! Saddam Hussein only wished he had their power, and only USS Voyager first officer Chakotay can stop them………or can he? He’s got some help, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine‘s very own Leeta is there as well. We also can’t forget Jonas Talkington and Michael Guy Davis, who seem to be in every Sci-Fi Channel movie ever made. They also seems to die in all of them, so maybe they can help by getting the Manticore stuffed for dinner. The search for WMDs begins….


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