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InBattle Beasts

Battle Beast Files – Series 1, Part 2

June 19, 2006By


Who are the Battle Beasts? Let’s get to know each and every one personally!
Series 1, Part II!

Number: 15
Name: Gruesome Gator
Japanese Name: Alligatoron
Ruler of Country: King of Lenonia
Position: Commander in Chief
Weapon Name: Allistretcher (Gold Axe)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 1
Species: Alligator (White w/ Olive Armor)
Gruesome Gator was the leader of the Decepticon faction of the Battle Beasts in the Japanese storyline, where he went by the name Alligatoron. He was even killed off, so this guy is dead. Well, not quite dead, as his transparent ghost version returned later. We’ll get to that in a bit. Storyline-wise his family were slaves of the Lion family, which would make him some sort of Spartacus character. His evilness gives him a bad rap, what is Pirate Lion doing having slaves? Inexcusable. In the British comic, Gruesome Gator was a gross guy who loved nasty-smelling things. He wasn’t evil, just gross. Because I was a child who was weird, I gave my Gruesome Gator a garbage bag twist tie belt that doubled as a helicopter backpack. This sentence is probably one of the nerdiest things ever mentioned on the Internet. Please note that I’ve since gratuated to an adult who writes articles about toys on the Internet. Wait, that didn’t help…
Number: 16
Name: Sly Fox
Japanese Name: B-Fox
Ruler of Country: King of Ringostan
Position: Reconnaissance Combatant
Weapon Name: B-Star (Golden Compass Glaive)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Fox (Tan w/ White Armor)
“B-Fox”? What the Pirate Lion is a “B-Fox”? Why not “A-Fox”? Does B stand for something? Badass? Bonga? Beast? Bibliography? Even odder, his weapon is the B-Star, yet isn’t shaped like a B or a Star. It’s a D on a stick! He should be D-Fox with the D-Stick weapon. Sly Fox, as us Yanks call him, has white armor for his fox stylings. His name is far less stupid in America, but he still isn’t that interesting of a Beast. B-Fox is on the B-List. Born in Star City, the city is famous for being the hometown of Starman from the Super Mario Bros. games. His card helpfully tells us that “His hatred for the Destron Beasts is unrivaled; sometimes his attacks are sneak attacks.”
Number: 17
Name: Hardtop Tortoise
Japanese Name: Black Turtle
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Halas
Position: Amphibious Soldier
Weapon Name: Black Spark (Golden Fleur-de-lis Shaped Glaive)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 1
Species: Tortoise (Black w/ Orange Armor)
Hardtop Tortoise’s greatest feature is his cool green robot claw replacing his left hand. It’s big enough to grab onto arms and necks, as well as bigger weapons and guns from unrelated toy lines. Hardtop Tortoise himself looks pretty cool, and he’d be a tough fighter to take down with all his armor and robotics. In Japan he’s Black Turtle, I’ll ignore my biologist instinct to say that turtles and tortoises are different things. Black Turtle makes me wonder if he is supposed to be Black. African-American Black. Just imaging Hardtop talking like Jazz from Transformers, or maybe like Samuel L. Jackson. “I got Mother F–king Wood, Mother F–ker!” That would be cool. Plus, he could fight Triple Threat Snake on a Plane! Black Turtle is an enemy of Bad Shark in addition to the Autobot Beasts.
Number: 18
Name: Rubberneck Giraffe
Japanese Name: Yellow Giraffe
Ruler of Country: King of Gunmarino
Position: Military Intelligence Combatant
Weapon Name: Low-G Bar (Golden Antler Axe)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Giraffe (Yellow w/ Blue Armor)
Rubberneck Giraffe continues the tradition of the American Beasts generally having better names. At least Yellow Giraffe doesn’t suck. Rubberneck is one of the taller Beasts, but height isn’t that great of a variation in this world. Yes, Rubberneck just turns out to be another Beast who is good, but not great, and fails to make the A-List. Rubberneck does have a neat weapon, with it’s antler-shaped design. It looks like a tree branch turned into a sword. It would have been cool had it been a real tree (a sapling) that Rubberneck used to beat Beasts with. More toys need to have people who use trees as weapons. His card claims that “He has knowledge like an encyclopedia. He is the oldest, but destructive power still is enormous!” Well, too bad for him.
Number: 19
Name: Prickly Porcupine
Japanese Name: Hedgehog
Ruler of Country: King of Hogland
Position: Special Forces Combatant
Weapon Name: Hegrinder (Dark Silver Trident)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Porcupine (Gray w/ Yellow Armor)
Ah, Prickly Porcupine, you spine-covered bastard! How hard you are to kill, your spikes stab anyone who gets close. With yellow armor molded around the spines, you are a danger to all who come near you. Your Japanese name calls you a Hedgehog, but you are a Porcupine of Doom! Your Hegrinder weapons betrays it’s function: “HE”-grinding, the grinding of your male enemies. Sonic ain’t got nothing on you! Born in Hogs Town in the country of Hogland, they really want him to be a hedgehog. Well, too bad. Once a porcupine, always a porcupine. Porcupine sells his quills to women to use for sewing clothes, the garments are then stitched very strongly.
Number: 20
Name: Sawtooth Shark
Japanese Name: Badshark
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Sheepnia
Position: Underwater Soldier
Weapon Name: Backspin (Dark Silver Trident)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 1
Species: Shark (Light Blue w/ Blue Armor)
Sawtooth Shark swims his way to victory, devouring his enemies in a feeding frenzy of death! I got two of these dudes as one was packaged with a vehicle. One of those Sawtooth’s managed to lose an arm, which was promptly replaced with a blue radar stand with a red dish from some unknown toy set. It fit right into the hole, so all was saved. He became “Cyber Shark”. Sawtooth has a decent Japanese name with Badshark, and a decent weapon with his trident, though why it’s named “Backspin” I shall not know. Sharks aren’t known for backspinning. Backfins, yes. There is a shark base, the Shocking Shark, which my two Sharks were always involved with. An army of Sharks would be a forminable opponent. Several Sawtooth Sharks appeared in the Blackthrone comics fighting along the shore when Ruhin arrived, but they didn’t say much more than “Raarg!”
Number: 21
Name: Danger Dog
Japanese Name: Bowdog
Ruler of Country: King of Bodonia
Position: Scientist Combatant
Weapon Name: Dog Fighter (Dark Silver Halberd)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Dog (Brown w/ Green Armor)
There’s no need to fear, Danger Dog is here! When criminals in this world appear, And break the laws that they should fear, And frighten all who see or hear, The cry goes up both far and near for Danger Dog, Danger Dog, Danger Dog, Danger Dog. Danger Dog and his freaky weapon put the “wow” in bow-wow! The first of four dogs in the Battle Beast Cast, Danger Dog shows that to him, danger is no stranger. As for Japan, all they get is Bowdog, the dog who bows before everyone. We totally outclassed them. Born in Dog City. Those Beasts sure need to come up with better names for their cities, what’s next, Frog City? Hog City? Cock City? Someone needs to stop this brazen city naming.
Number: 22
Name: Hare Razing Rabbit
Japanese Name: Rabbit Kid
Ruler of Country: King of Rabihos
Position: Communication Combatant
Weapon Name: Rabbit Spear (Dark Silver Spear)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Rabbit (Aqua w/ Teal-green Armor)
Rabbit Kid might actually be a cool Japanese name. Perhaps the makers of Battle Beasts could see into the future and read the Redwall novels and their crazy Hares of the Long Patrol, and thus they wanted to import that craziness into their rabbit character. Or, maybe they were ripping on Bucky O’Hare, from the short-lived cartoon series. Maybe even those rabbit aliens from the Star Wars Marvel comics. The one true thing is that Hare Razing Rabbit was the inspiration for Matt Groening to draw rabbit characters, and eventually The Simpsons. Thank you, Hare Razing Rabbit. He’s the King of the Rabihos. No, they aren’t Rabbit Ho’s, but it’s a combination of Rabbit and Horse. Still, they probably got some ho’s. Cheap.
Number: 23
Name: Sir Sire Horse
Japanese Name: Bluehorse
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Rabihos
Position: High-Speed Combatant
Weapon Name: Tomahorse (Dark Silver Axe)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Horse (Aqua w/ Blue Armor)
A Blue Horse? I know Blue is a popular horse name, but there aren’t any real blue horses, until now. Sir Sire Horse was knighted at some point, giving him an air of snottery, instead of the cool knight feelings it’s supposed to give you. SSH’s weapon is a big freaking axe, cleverly called the Tomahorse. Still, he’s just a horse, and a horse is a horse, of course, of course. This horse is unexceptional, but not terrible.
Number: 24
Name: War Weasel
Japanese Name: Giada
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Saitan
Position: Land Offensive Combatant
Weapon Name: Lenskia (Dark Silver Scythe-ish Weapon)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Weasel (Red w/ Blue Armor)
War Weasel was a bad looking dude. He’s got himself a gas mask, and a machine gun for a left hand! As a child, it was hard to tell just what the heck he was supposed to be, so we just called him “Badger”. I still call him Badger out of habit. In Japan, he’s named Giada, which means that the host of Food Network’s Everyday Italian, Giada De Laurentiis, may have been the inspiration for his name. His oddly shaped weapon, a nasty looking thing, is named the equally perplexing Lenskia. His perplexing name and perplexing appearance, in addition to his machine gun, made him pretty popular. Versions of War Weasel included with vehicles was made out of a pinker plastic, so he has a pink variation. Pink works out well for him, with his big gun and huge weapon, no one would dare say anything.
Number: 25
Name: Bloodthirsty Bison
Japanese Name: Violet Horn
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Bodonia
Position: Supernatural-Strength Combatant
Weapon Name: Tomahorn (Dark Silver Axe)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Bison (Brown w/ Purple Armor)
Gray Ox? He’s obviously a bison! That’s just a terrible name. Plus, he’s not gray in the slightest, he’s brown with purple armor. I think someone was asleep at the switch when Bloodthirsty Bison’s Naming Day approached. He’s a larger Beast, and has a big axe with hooks on each end of the blade. He gets another Tomahawk pun for his axe’s name, maybe someone in Japan is obsessed with American Indians, or the Atlanta Braves. Indians were said to have used every part of the bison (they actually wasted a lot), but we had no real use for Bloodthirsty Bison in the winner’s section of the Battle Beasts tables. What the heck is a “Supernatural-Strength Combatant”? Is he ghost-powered? Because that would be a good way to get energy independent. Maybe it’s some sort of reference to Indian Spirit Guides or something.
Number: 26
Name: Bighorn Sheep
Japanese Name: Bomb-Sheep
Ruler of Country: King of Sheepnia
Position: Supplier
Weapon Name: Bomb Scissors (Dark Silver Weapon)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Ram (Blue w/ Gray Armor)
A big blue ram to smash through the enemies, that’s what Bighorn Sheep promises. Too bad sheep aren’t that exciting. Bighorn Sheep still manages to get his own ride, which is the only ride with big guns sticking out of it. For some reason Bighorn has Metal Armor over his mouth and nose, maybe he has hoof and mouth disease. Or maybe he hates brushing his teeth. Whatever it is, it’s freaking weird. In Japan, he’s Bomb-Sheep, perhaps he works with Snake Bomb in Bomb Land, where every day is Bomb Day! You’d think with this obsession with bombs, one of those two would have some sort of bomb accessory. We don’t even get a suicide bomb suit for them! Bighorn’s Bomb Scissors weapon looks like a robot claw on a stick. It fit nicely around various Beasts’ heads, but Bighorn’s lameness kept him from becoming a big power. His combat job is just Supplier, though a vital role, it doesn’t sell action figures.
Number: 27
Name: Webslinger Spider
Japanese Name: Deathspider
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Hogland
Position: Special Forces Soldier
Weapon Name: Deathbinder (Dark Silver Lyre-shaped Glaive)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 1
Species: Spider (Gray w/ Violet Armor)
Now this is a cool Beast! Webslinger Spider just looks like an badass. He’d kick you butt, then spin you up in web and eat you for dinner! Deathspider in Japan, his name is fitting, and his Deathbinder Weapon with webbing decoration looks keen. He was featured in the last issue of the Blackthorne comics as the First Mate to Pirate Lion, speaking in garbled English similar to pirate speak. Thanks to seeing too many Mothra and Godzilla films, Webslinger gained the ability to shoot webbing from his mouth at playtime. With extra arms shooting out of his shoulders, more eyes than you can count, and a hungry looking mouth, Webslinger is set to be a force in the Beast world. Plus, he’s just creepy! Imagine this toy, at night, wandering around your room, teaming up with He-Man’s Webstor to trap and devour your sister’s My Little Ponies. GI Joe is put on the alert, but cannot stop the Webbed Duo from snack-time! Soon, even Barbie herself falls prey. This nightmare is only brought to an end when Optimus Prime breaks out a giant can of Raid and sprays the entire room, killing Webslinger, Webstor, and the entire Insecticon hive (including the Delux Insecticons!) Fare thee well, Webslinger. If anyone knows why he’s Emperor of Hogland and not King of Spidernia or something, please explain.
Number: 28
Name: Crusty Crab
Japanese Name: Crab-Hit
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Sandtoria
Position: Underwater Offensive Soldier
Weapon Name: Crab Scissors (Dark Silver Crab-Claw)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 1
Species: Crab (Red w/ Brown Armor)
Crusty Crab? Ha ha ha! He’s so crusty! Crusty Crab just likes to complain. He complains about his red appearance. He complains about that wierd think on his head that’s either a floodlight or a laser. He complains about his weapon being just a giant wrench with serrated edges. He complains about the ending of Matrix Revolutions. He complains a lot. With his hard skin, which is his exoskeleton, he’s a tough opponent. None of the Beasts are armed with a nutcracker, so that option is out. Luckily, he’s mouth is wide open like a slack-jawed fool, so it would be easy to just stab him there, or throw some dirt in there, and call him a dirt eater, and then take his lunch money. Dirty dirty Dirt Eater! Crusty Crab will complain about eating dirt. A variant packaged with the vehicles came in pink plastic, which may be his wife, Crustette Crab! It’s crab love.

Series 1, Part 1

Series 2, Part 1

Special Thanks:
White Leo’s Site
Beastformers.com
Master List (Aratak’s Plastic Warriors)

InBad, Movie Reviews

My Kung Fu Sweetheart (Review)

June 17, 2006By

My Kung Fu Sweetheart

aka Ye maan bei kup

2006
Starring
Cecilia Cheung as Phoenix Shangguan Lingfeng
Yuen Qiu as Mom
Yuen Wah as Dad
Wong Yat-Fei as Principal
Leo Ku as Dragon
Sammy Leung as Kiddie Kim
Hui Siu-Hung as Lincoln Lam
Ma Shuchao as White Eyebrows
Wong Jing as Uncle Itchiban
Directed by Wong Jing

Wong Jing directs another campy action-fest, and manages to score a hit. A send-up of kung fu films, Cecilia Cheung stars as the daughter of two kung fu masters, who learns the skills herself, but must fit into the modern world. Of course, we have an evil kung fu master, school rivalries, a guy in a falcon suit, and love to deal with. The parents are played by Kung Fu Hustle‘s own odd couple, Yuen Qiu and Yuen Wah. They seem to be making a good living acting together, besides this, they also have starred in two Kung Fu Mahjong films together. We also get a crop of campy actors mixed with many established actors, and even Wong Jing himself as Uncle Itchiban. For some reason this film rings better than most of Wong Jing’s recent fair, probably due to the cast working together well enough that you don’t notice when it drags. The gags flow fast, for the most part, and for once the campiness of Hong Kong cinema works out for the best. Though I’s still prefer that Hong Kong put out more stronger fair (and it has been trying recently), camp like this makes the wait between good films bearable.

We start in the distant past of 20 years ago. A young girl sees two people flying past the moon and rushes to tell her parents. Her parents are the smiling Yuen Wah and Yuen Qiu, who both tell her she’s seeing things. They are the Landlords from Kung Fu Hustle. Yuen Wah has been making films for 35 years, having the ability to duplicate the martial arts styles of many people. This let him be Bruce Lee’s double for a while. Yuen Qiu was an actress for a short time in the 1970’s before retiring, only to return after Steve Chow begged her to take the role of the Landlady in Kung Fu Hustle, and has since then done well for herself in the film industry. Their daughter is named Phoenix, and later a teenage Phoenix is awakened by storms, and a large snake and cat are loose in the house. These animals are really Kung Fu villains, who have arrived to kill her parents, which you should realize by now are really Martial Arts masters. They save her and have a neat fight with the villains, who morph from animal to person a few times during the battle (though we could always use more morphing shots.) Snake Man and Cat Girl are eventually taken down, with Phoenix aiding by slipping up some poles so Cat Girl can’t grip. Phoenix is eager to learn Kung Fu, and her parents are more than happy to tell her she’s old enough to go to Mount Hiu and learn. This is amazingly coincidental that she discovered their secret on the very day she became old enough to get lessons herself! Okay, it’s amazingly cheesy. But this is a cheesy film, so we’ll take it at what it is. Next thing we know, we’re hang gliding over Mount Hui as Phoenix looks down and sees all the Martial Artists training, including a girl in scarlet with pigtails who has a determined look on her face. She’s the main rival, Rouge, who will compete with Phoenix to be the best of the best. This is apparent when she doesn’t return Phoenix’s wave. So, if you ever want to hide that you are a villain, be friendly, it’s what politicians do all the time, as well as John Wayne Gacy, though I’d say anyone fooled by his clown costume deserves it. Clowns are evil, and always will be evil. Deal with it.

InBattle Beasts

Battle Beast Files – Series 1, Part 1

June 13, 2006By


Who are the Battle Beasts? Let’s get to know each and every one personally!

Number: 1
Name: Pirate Lion
Japanese Name: White Leo
Ruler of Country: King of Beastrom
Position: Supreme Commander
Weapon Name: White Beamer (Silver Sword)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Lion (white w/ Blue Armor)
Pirate Lion was the first Battle Beast, Numero Uno, Number One. The king of the beasts became the symbolic Battle Beast. Pirate Lion sports Blue Armor and an eyepatch, showing he’s one tough mug. Pirate Lion was a winner, and was a popular Beast in many circles. In Japan, he was the leader of the Autobot Faction, and later the Battle Beasts in general when they fought the Lazer Beasts. Pirate Lion’s main flaw was the white plastic was prone to limbloss, and more than one Pirate Lion is now sitting armless in someone’s toychest. My particular Pirate Lion lost both of his arms, but currently has them glued on with superglue applied sometime around 1990. Pirate Lion is the Supreme Commander of all the Autobot-allied Beasts. He’s also the King of Beastrom, his family rules over all of Planet Beast (or Beast Star) and he will become the Sunburst Warrior (more on that in that section.) Pirate Lion is the spokesperson for the Battle Beasts, and is their most recognizable symbol. He keeps an eye out for dangers, and his other eye…..well, let’s just say someone got indigestion.
Number: 2
Name: Deer Stalker
Japanese Name: Big Serow
Ruler of Country: King of Saitan
Position: Aide/Adjutant
Weapon Name: Big Boomerang (Silver Bat’leth-style weapon)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Deer (brown w/ Green Armor)
Deer Stalker is a cool mother freaker. He’s got the red shades, the Drill left hand, a cannon over one shoulder, and what we as kids used as lasers on each hip. He even has his own ride, the Deer Stalker Chariot. Deer Stalker was a popular dude on the playground, and was usually in the second tier at least in the storylines played by my sister and I as kids. His nasty Bat’leth (or Boomerang as it’s named) would slice the crap out of any opponent. Deer Stalker also bucks the trend of having armor on the lower legs, he’s too cool for that school as well. If he was in a cartoon, you’d imagine he’s have the same voice as Chester Cheetah. It’s pretty neat how the King of Satan is a good guy…wait? Saitan? Ooooooohhhhh!
Number: 3
Name: Ferocious Tiger
Japanese Name: Goldar
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Gunmarino
Position: Land Staff Officer
Weapon Name: Baton-Gol (Silver double-sided Mace)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Tiger(Yellow w/Brown Armor)
Awesome awesome Beast. Was one of my favorites growing up, almost always a main character. With his triple-rockets stacked on his shoulder, and the fact he’s a freaking tiger, he’s a winner! Ignore the fact he has what looks like a baton for a weapon, something he should be twirling around in the middle of a high school band halftime show performance. It can still break some bones. Tiger likes art and war together, okay? Also, his Japanese name is Goldar? Like Mighty Morphin Power Rangers’ Goldar? How unfortunate! The Tiger also has his own ride, the Tearing Tiger. Always a winner. The Emperor of Gunmarino, birthplace of Dan Marino. Tiger is secretly the most awesome Beast, but he lets Pirate Lion rule because he doesn’t want the responsibility that comes with being the leader of the world, as Tiger is worried it will corrupt him. He is fiercely loyal to his boss, but is a true patriot at heart and would oppose anyone who would dare hurt Planet Beast, even if it was the entire group of his allies.
Number: 4
Name: Colonel Bird
Japanese Name: Flykick
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Beastrom
Position: Air Combatant
Weapon Name: Flying Typhoon (Silver double-sided Axe/Halberd Thing)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Eagle (White w/Light Blue Armor)
Colonel Bird (or “Flykick”) is a mean bird. He’s usually called an Eagle by those who didn’t know his name for years, or still don’t. His blue armor and white body went well together, so much so that one of my schoolmates thought he was the only one worth having. Then my Colonel Bird promptly disappeared. Coincidence? I think not. Luckily Ebay helpfully reacquainted me with the Colonel Bird Fun Club, and also got me a copy of his weapon for the first time, as mine was packaged with Triple Threat Snake’s weapon! Since this guy is supposed to be the Emperor of Beastrom, and Pirate Lion is the King of Beastrom, does this make Colonel Bird the Number 2 Autobot Beast? Then why is Big Serow always pictured as a Number Two Guy? Probably because he is, and Colonel Bird is just Number 4 or 5 or even lower.
Number: 5
Name: Killer Carp
Japanese Name: Killer Fish
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Lenonia
Position: Staff Officer
Weapon Name: Killer Anchor (Silver Battleaxe)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 1
Species: Carp (White w/ Pink Armor)
One of the two first Beasts I ever bought, Killer Carp is the King of the Fishes! Ignore the Pink Armor, he’s tough enough to wear pink! Killer Carp was even the bad guy in the British Battle Beast comic, where his plan was to melt the polar ice caps and flood the world, so only the Beasts who live in water would be surpreme fighters! This evil genius idea gains him a few points. Plus, he just looks neat! Killer Carp was so popular, that he got two additional versions in Japan, the Clear Ghost Carp, and the Striped Ghost Carp (will be reviewed individually.) Is the Emperor of Lenonia while Alligatoron is the King of Lenonia, so Carp would be the Number Two Decepticon Beast. His card claims that he “is always angry because of an old wound that was inflicted by Deer Stalker that still occasionally hurts.” Maybe he should have ducked. Dreams of having Golden Armor, which give a +3 defense to Fire, Ice, and Nuke.
Number: 6
Name: Triple Threat Snake
Japanese Name: Snake Bomb
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Baraki
Position: Demolition Reconnaissance Soldier
Weapon Name: Bomb Saberer (Silver Glaive)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 1
Species: Snake (Green w/ Blue Armor)
Triple Threat Snake is a Triple Threat! Sorry, I had to make that joke, as I must do this one: Snake Bomb is Da BOMB! What kind of name is “Snake Bomb” anyway? At least “Triple Threat” acknowledges that TTS (that’s what us cool people call him) has a snake as each hand! Triple Threat Snake is a solid Beast, and the other of the two original Beasts I first purchased. At least some of the Japanese boxes TTS was packaged in came with a hologram card of Sabre Sword Tiger. His weapon is the Bomb Saberer, which has too many “-er”s for my taste, and should have been called the Triple Threat Smackdowner. TTS also has two laser guns built into his armor which came into play. When TTS isn’t arguing among himself, he’s fighting with anyone he comes across, or attempting to eat Powerhouse Mouse.
Number: 7
Name: Horny Toad
Japanese Name: Drillfrog
Ruler of Country: King of Baraki
Position: Underwater Offensive Soldier
Weapon Name: Log Driller (Silver Glaive)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 1
Species: Frog (Green w/ Red Armor)
Horny Toad! MuHAHAHAhahaha! He’s the Horniest Toad of them all! What an unfortunate name! That’s even the English name, his Japanese name, while nonsensicle, at least isn’t provocative. Drillfrog, the Drilling-est Frog of them all! As a biologist I must point out that frogs and toads are different things. Sorry to bore you there. Horny Toad was the leader of the good guys Beasts in the Blackthorne comic series that lasted a whole 4 issues. He was sign water, for those of you keeping score at home, and they basically made him like Kermit in Battle Beast form, except not in love with a pig (as far as I know.) Mr. Frog was never high up in my Battle Beast collection, which is the one that counts. In Japan, the evil Horny Toad shared ruling duties with Snake Bomb in the country of Baraki. Actually, that’s not exciting at all. Plus, Snake Bomb would probably just kill him and become the Emperor King or something.
Number: 8
Name: Sledgehammer Elephant
Japanese Name: Elephan
Ruler of Country: King of Shutoru
Position: Transportation Combatant
Weapon Name: Elehammer (Silver Sword)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Elephant (Lavender w/ Black Armor)
Elephant is in the HOUSE! For some odd reason, Sledgehammer Elephant is a nice shade of lavender, giving him a girlish property. Though his tusks denote him a male, it makes one wonder why they didn’t have any grey plastic on hand. Many grey Beasts exists, but the answer probably is that the lavender plastic was cheaper. This is evidenced as my Sledgehammer Elephant lost himself an arm due to joint wear. He has a hammer for a left hand, giving Sledgehammer the mystic of an Iron Worker slaving away at the forge. Perhaps Sledgehammer is the God Hephaestus in elephant form, which would probably make him Hindu or something. My entire knowledge of Hindu is from Apu on The Simpsons, so don’t take this as gospel. Sledgehammer has a neat-looking sword. Oddly enough, his Battle Badge is placed at his crotch (due to his massive trunk being in the way of his chest) which is oddly perverted. Expect no less from Japan.
Number: 9
Name: Rocky Rhino
Japanese Name: Graysharp
Ruler of Country: King of Petora
Position: Land Offensive Combatant
Weapon Name: Sharpener (Silver Halberd)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Rhinoceros (Gray w/ Yellow Armor)
Rocky Rhino was one of the more popular kids on the playground when he first came out. He’s a tough-looking dude with his hand replaced with the end of a mace. Rocky looks like he could kick most of the other Beasts’ butts. After more and more Beasts were release, Rocky started dropping down in popularity. Soon he became just another Beast in the middle. It’s a lesson for the times, that you need more than a spiky ball for a hand to make your mark in the world. Rocky is dedicated to protecting the image of Rhinos in popular media, he has protested against the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the movie Ace Ventura 2, and Traditional Chinese Medicine.
Number: 10
Name: Roamin’ Buffalo
Japanese Name: Gray Ox
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Petora
Position: Amphibious Offensive Combatant
Weapon Name: Okron (Golden Anchor-Shaped Battleaxe)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Buffalo (Gray w/ Dark Green Armor)
Roamin’ Buffalo is another Also-Ran Beast. Unaware of his name, we just called him “Bull” on the playground. With one hand replaced by a yellow clamper, he was useful for pretending to choke other unfortunate opponents. Musky Ox has some sort of lights put into his horns, which may or may not be lasers instead. Nevertheless, he was useful for quick goring action, but usually didn’t figure into long-term play plots. Those were left to flashier Beasts. He and Rocky Rhino ruled Petora together, which must be like ruling Nebraska or something. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and Roamin’ Buffalo wasn’t turned into a Warrior in a day, it took three weeks of intensive training. His favorite pastime is getting his okr on.
Number: 11
Name: Grizzly Bear
Japanese Name: Battle Bear
Ruler of Country: King of Sandtoria
Position: Mountains and Forest Combatant
Weapon Name: Great Battler (Gold Axe)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Bear (Brown w/ Blue Armor)
Grizzly Bear has a name that’s far too obvious. At least his Japanese name switches it up a bit, what with Battle Bear. Bear has no particular characteristics that made him very interesting, despite being a bear. He was normally packaged with Bliztkrieg Bat, but that’s not exciting, either. His weapon also fails to excite, despite being a heavily ornimated gold axe. He is much better than Pillaging Polar Bear, but is outclassed by Hustlebear. Poor Grizzly. At least he’s a good fighter in the war against the Decepticons, even being featured in the TV episode. Grizzly is constantly getting caught in honeypots.
Number: 12
Name: Blitzkrieg Bat
Japanese Name: Devilbat
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Ringostan
Position: Land and Air Soldier
Weapon Name: Devil Waver (Golden Glaive)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 1
Species: Bat (Tan w/ Brown Armor)
I’m guessing Blitzkrieg Bat got his name because Toy People thought that America wouldn’t go for a bat with “Devil” in it’s name. So instead they name him after a Nazi German attack method! Ignoring that gaffe, Bat is a neat Beast. He’s got a green hook replacing one of his hands, plus has wings, allowing flying attacks. One of his eyes is replaced by some sort of telescope device, which could possibly be called a monocle for great hilarity. Blitzkrieg Bat was featured in the Comic Book series from Blackthorne as a villain, the rival flyer to Knight Owl. Is the Emperor of Ringostan, not to be confused with Ringo Starr.
Number: 13
Name: Gargantuan Gorilla
Japanese Name: Bonga
Ruler of Country: King of Halas
Position: Land Offensive Commander
Weapon Name: Bonga Saber (Golden Glaive)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Gorilla (Black w/ Red Armor – Orange Armor variant)
Bonga? Bonga??? BONGA??? Awesome. Us Americans get Gargantuan Gorilla, but Japan gets Bonga. Who’s the winner on that deal? His weapon is even called the Bonga Saber, making it have one of the coolest names in the Battle Beasts Lore. Sadly, Bonga himself is not that interesting, though he scored a slot as a main character in the Blackthorne Comics as one of the good guys. They used the gentle giant template for his character, much removed from his British Comics appearance where he was a warthirsty bloodmonger. Bloodmonger=Bonga? I think so… There’s a varient where Bonga’s armor is orange instead of red, this was probably from when Beasts were included with vehicles in the American packaging, as many of them were oddly colored. Orange Bonga is worth more money, because he contains more Vitamin C.
Number: 14
Name: Swiny Boar
Japanese Name: Wild Thunder
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Shutoru
Position: Land Offensive Combatant
Weapon Name: Thunder Bar (Golden Glaive)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Boar (Purple w/ Blue Armor)
Wild Thunder! Japan once again has the cooler name! Swiny Boar is more of a Swiny Bore, as he’s not that interesting. He’s a wild boar wearing a gas mask, and for some reason is purple. He and Sledgehammer Elephant must belong to the same cult. Mr. Swiny has a neat-looking lightning bolt shaped weapon, but he was never a top-tiered Beast. Probably because he loves to roll around in his own filth. It stinks. Decepticon Beasts could smell him coming a mile away. Finally, Pirate Lion had to transfer him to the Rear Guard, along with Pillager Pig. Moving on…

Series 1, Part 2

Special Thanks:
White Leo’s Site
Beastformers.com
Master List (Aratak’s Plastic Warriors)

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Terrifying Confessions of a Captive Woman (Review)

June 8, 2006By

Terrifying Confessions of a Captive Woman

aka Teufelscamp der verlorenen Frauen aka The Angel and the Beasts aka Triangle of Lust

1977
Starring
Patricia Adriani as Susan Murphy
Bárbara Rey as Sophie
José Antonio Ceinos as Beardo
Miguel Ángel Godó
Manu as ???
Eric Wedekind as ???
José Luis Alexandre
Directed by Hubert Frank

From Germany we get a piece of cinema trash known by many names. Terrifying Confessions of a Captive Woman. The Angel and the Beasts. Triangle of Lust. They are all one and the same. And that same is exploitation junk. Luckily, the movie throws us a bone by delivering more full frontal nudity than you can shake a stick at. Even two sticks. I’d even go so far as to say you could shake 7 1/4 sticks at the full frontal nudity in this movie and still require more shaking. Plus, there is violence, biker gangs, airplanes, and an ending to confuse the bejesus out of you. Thanks to the wonders of dubbing, we get characters totally overacting, under acting, and sounding bored during dramatic moments. There is also a few lines that are so over the top they’re back down on the bottom again. It all combines to an odd combination, which fails to work on many levels. If there was no nudity, this would be one of the worst films of all time. Only because it’s specifically designed to be full of nudity is it safe for human eye consumption. Even then, it’s best to take it in doses, as a full amount could give you a lethal brain hemorrhage. TarsTarkas.NET will not be held responsible for any loss of brain cells after viewing the movie. Sit back, relax, and experience the ride, from the safety shield of the Recap Machine, as we warn you and future generations of the dangers of Terrifying Confessions of a Captive Woman.

The story of a woman who refuses to wear clothes and the couple she terrorizes begins during the opening credits. That’s basically what is presented, as a nice old rich couple is going about their day when a mirror is reflected into their condo. It’s being shined by their neighbor, a firm young early-twenties brunette who can’t be bothered to wear clothes. She’s actress Patricia Adriani, and is playing Susan Murphy, though we will never be told her name and I only got it from the back of a VHS cover. Most of these characters have no names, and IMDB is no help. Her clever plan to shine light into her neighbors’ condo seems to be paying off, as they are familiar with her shenanigans. Susan signs the number “three” in a subtle message to meet her at three. I hired a crack team of codebreakers to give you that information. They took a break from NSA spying on you, so hopefully we don’t get a terrorist attack in the next week or so. Tom is the name of the old man, he looks like Salvadore Dali bred with Pete Postlethwaite and created the ultimate 55 year old rich Italian. His wife disapproves of his method of meeting Susan. I guess Susan is too dense to notice that being blaringly obvious that you are communicating with a rich Italian guy isn’t the height of subtlety. The wife wants Susan out of the picture, and as she seems to be running the life of Tom, that’s what she’ll get.

Komodo vs. Cobra
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Komodo vs. Cobra (Review)

June 1, 2006By

Komodo vs. Cobra


2005
Starring
Michelle Borth as Susan Richardson
Jerri Manthey as Sandra Crescent
Glori-Anne Gilbert as Darla
Ryan McTavish as Jerry
Ted Monte as Ted
Chris Neville as Lerner
Michael Paré as Mike
Jay Richardson as Dr. Richardson
Renee Talbert as Carrie
Delpano Wills as Marsden
Directed by Jim Wynorski

Komodo vs. Cobra!!! KvC!! Giant komodo vs. a giant cobra. This should be a winner! In the name of Boa vs. Python, another fun SciFi Channel monster vs monster film. But what should easily be a winner can often become a chore as cheapness conspires to clutch a loser of a film from the jaws of winningness. What else do you expect when your director is Jim Wynorski and it doesn’t involve naked chicks? Having nothing to do with either Curse of the Komodo or King Cobra, despite Wynorski’s work on CotK, this film tries to set itself in an independent universe. That’s the excuse, then, for making this film 95% identical to CotK. Many of the same major scene reenact themselves, many of the same sets are reused, and at least four actors and the director/writer are the same. This is akin to just taking the CotK film and adding a King Cobra wandering around digitally added to the background in a few scenes and calling it a new movie. Oh, our title characters fight, all right. At the very end of the movie, for about two minutes. That’s it. Despite them saying repeatedly that there are many giant cobras and giant komodo, we don’t even get a hint that they fight each other except one small scene in the flashbacks where they hiss a lot. This isn’t like Naked Lunch, where no one ate a lunch while naked, this is SciFi Channel, we want a damn monster fight. And this movie which promises a monster fight in it’s title is determined to deny us what we so desperately desire. In the end, all it does is tick you off. Really tick you off. Freaking tick you off. Tick you of like a MoFo! GARRRRRRRGGGGHHH!!!

The movie opens promising enough. Three people are running through the jungle of a tropical isle. It’s Dr. Richardson, his daughter Susan, and a third man we’ll call Orson Welles, because he was The Third Man. Their running is useless, because they are cut off by Johnny Komodo. Johnny Komodo looks a little different from CotK, he’s got a more dinosaur-shaped head. He’s just as immune to bullets, as none of the ones fired seem to have any effect on him. Johnny Komodo shows that the Jim Wynorski watched Jurassic Park, as komodo can now not see you unless you move, like the T-Rex. Orson Welles runs off, which attracts Johnny Komodo and he chomps down on Orson Welles. Dr. Richardson and Susan escape then and set up shop by a lake, looking around for a bit, until Johnny Cobra emerges from the lake, and has Dr. Richardson chops for dinner. Now Susan is all alone…

Fatal Contact Bird Flu
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America (Review)

May 24, 2006By

Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America


2006
Starring
Stacy Keach as Secretary Reed
Justina Machado as Nurse Alma
Joely Richardson as Dr. Iris Varnack
Scott Cohen as Virginia Governor Mike Newsome
Directed by Richard Pearce

OH MY GOD WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! RUN!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!! It’s the birds! Instead of killing us with their evil bird powers, they’re killing us with their evil bird diseases! The dastardly birds will not be stopped, as they give us a true-to-life Captain Tripps, the H5N1 Bird Flu mutated to human infectious! As the latest made for TV movie for ABC tells us, WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! There is no escape….from birds!!!

Starting out with the opening of all openings, a warining informing us that bird flu from the H5N1 has already been found in 48 countries and killed 125 people. The film is careful to tell us that this is a “What if” scenario. Because anyone just tuning in might think a badly acted TV movie is in reality a real-time TV show called Survivor: Flu or something. Instead of conjuring up such images such as “What if the Punisher became Captain America?” or “What if Spiderman joined the Fantastic Four?” we get instead “What if everything bad happened, then suddenly everything good, because we’re America, and then suddenly WE ALL DIED??” The opening credits show Canadian geese-looking birds flying around and getting picked up on radar. Why on radar? Probably because several of them have computer graphics indicating that they are carriers of H5N1, which large size is easily picked up on radar. Scramble the fighters and shoot them all down! Come on, Iceman! Cowboy and Maverick got your back. We can’t have Goose on this mission, because we’re killing geese, and he’s dead.

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