Who are my links – BadMovies.org

I swear I was going to do more of these, but between grad school, marriage, and life, things just got busy. But now I got some free time to pound a few of these out, so let’s just go down the list.

BadMovies.org is one of the grandfather B-movie sites on the internet. It has been around for almost ten years at this point, and has hundreds of reviews of B-movies spanning decades and decades. The webmaster Andrew has a passion for B-movies that cannot be satisfied, and many other sites owe his a debt of gratitude. One of the first websites to feature audio clips, movie clips, and quotable dialogue. Reviews of movies such as Ninja Wars, Stealth Fighter, and Drunken Wu Tang are among my favorites there.

In addition, Andrew is instrumental in organizing B-movie events between webmasters, and freely allows his message board to be used by webmasters showing off their latest reviews from the depths of cinematic hell. You will even find yours truly hanging out there from time to time. Andrew also accepts reader submissions, and you can write your own reviews for submission on the webforum.

Tars Tarkas says check it out!

Erotic Misadventures of the Invisible man

The Erotic Misadventures of the Invisible Man (Review)

The Erotic Misadventures of the Invisible Man


2003
Directed by Rolfe Kanefsky

An out of work actor becomes invisible, and erotic hijinks ensue in the butterscotch-scented Erotic misadventures of the Invisible Man. Based on comic books by Milo Manara entitled Butterscotch, they were made into six films with three directors (two films each, possibly to be divided up into half-hour segments.) The only one released at the time of this writing is Erotic Misadventures of the Invisible Man, so that’s the one we are doing. Two versions of the film exist, the unrated version we are going through, and an R-rated version with added footage from the other, unreleased companion film Rolfe directed. Director Rolfe Kanefsky was previously encountered here with Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise, another skinimax movie which was made from what was intended to be half-hour shows. The concept of an invisible man has been used in dozens of films, and originated in popular science fiction form with HG Wells’s 1897 novel.

Norman Parent (Scott Coppola) – He’s invisible, he’s a man, he’s the invisible man! Sure he’s not the crazy HG Wells/Claude Rains type, or even the Ralph Ellison type, but just an out of work actor who is down on his luck. One freak accident later and he’s invisible, but has a new girl and goes on ghost-hunting adventures, when he’s not having invisible sex with non-invisible girls.
Kelli Parkinson (Gabriella Hall) – Actress Kelli Parkinson is your typical actress trying to make it big, despite having to deal with a sleazy agent. She lives with a psychic who specializes in sex spells, and is currently dating an invisible man by the name of Norman. Just your average Hollywood biography. Gabriella Hall was previously seen here in Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise.
Paul (Craig Peck) – Norman’s friend and amateur special effects guru. Another struggling actor who also takes catering jobs on the side. He doesn’t have any erotic misadventures.
Robert Bull (Doug Merril) – Robert Bull is a sleazy agent who thinks he has the perfect part for his female clients. Kelli Parkinson would disagree, but fellow client Becky Lovey has no qualms with auditioning on the couch, or even in the basement as the case was here. Also becomes invisible, but is foiled on his revenge plot against Kelli by Norman.
Becky Lovey (Stacey Leigh Mobley) – Another aspiring actress, who has no qualms on being naked or having sex with her agent. Also has sex with her European model friend. Doesn’t seem to do any acting, though. Hmmm…. Stacey Leigh Mobley is better known as porn star Holly Hollywood where she has over a hundred movies, pictures of which are easily found on Google.
Madam Nirvana (Kim Dawson) – All in all is all we all are, except Madam Nirvana, as she is also a sex psychic. Don’t ask, just agree, especially since sex psychic involves potion making and ghost hunting. She smells like teen spirit in her heart shaped box, so come as you are and accept all apologies. Yes, I deserve to die for all those song title jokes I crammed in there.
The Duck (Joey Chang) – A running gag through the last part of the film involves a duck coming into a bar repeatedly asking if they have grapes. This is an actual joke and we added a copy of it to the end of the review. The duck is played by a real person, and this is his only role on IMDB. His parents are proud.

Scientists stumble across one of my old weapons

Sometimes I create so many destructive monsters even I can’t keep track of them. Thanks to genetically engineered Sea Scorpions I picked up during a routine trip back in prehistoric time I created monstrous versions that served me well for years, but several were lost during a mission once again in the past. I collected three of the five killed Sea Scorpions, but the two that I couldn’t locate have since then fossilized and been discovered by humans. I will let them take the claim for this one, as it was my carelessness that allowed their discovery in the first place. Never again will I leave a creature behind.

Scientists find fossil of enormous bug

By THOMAS WAGNER, Associated Press Writer Wed Nov 21, 7:54 AM ET

LONDON – This was a bug you couldn’t swat and definitely couldn’t step on. British scientists have stumbled across a fossilized claw, part of an ancient sea scorpion, that is of such large proportion it would make the entire creature the biggest bug ever.

How big? Bigger than you, and at 8 feet long as big as some Smart cars.

The discovery in 390-million-year-old rocks suggests that spiders, insects, crabs and similar creatures were far larger in the past than previously thought, said Simon Braddy, a University of Bristol paleontologist and one of the study’s three authors.

“This is an amazing discovery,” he said Tuesday.

“We have known for some time that the fossil record yields monster millipedes, super-sized scorpions, colossal cockroaches, and jumbo dragonflies. But we never realized until now just how big some of these ancient creepy-crawlies were,” he said.

The research found a type of sea scorpion that was almost half a yard longer than previous estimates and the largest one ever to have evolved.

The study, published online Tuesday in the Royal Society’s journal Biology Letters, means that before this sea scorpion became extinct it was much longer than today’s average man is tall.

Prof. Jeorg W. Schneider, a paleontologist at Freiberg Mining Academy in southeastern Germany, said the study provides valuable new information about “the last of the giant scorpions.”

Schneider, who was not involved in the study, said these scorpions “were dominant for millions of years because they didn’t have natural enemies. Eventually they were wiped out by large fish with jaws and teeth.”

Braddy’s partner paleontologist Markus Poschmann found the claw fossil several years ago in a quarry near Prum, Germany, that probably had once been an ancient estuary or swamp.

“I was loosening pieces of rock with a hammer and chisel when I suddenly realized there was a dark patch of organic matter on a freshly removed slab. After some cleaning I could identify this as a small part of a large claw,” said Poschmann, another author of the study.

“Although I did not know if it was more complete or not, I decided to try and get it out. The pieces had to be cleaned separately, dried, and then glued back together. It was then put into a white plaster jacket to stabilize it,” he said.

Eurypterids, or ancient sea scorpions, are believed to be the extinct aquatic ancestors of today’s scorpions and possibly all arachnids, a class of joint-legged, invertebrate animals, including spiders, scorpions, mites and ticks.

Braddy said the fossil was from a Jaekelopterus Rhenaniae, a kind of scorpion that lived only in Germany for about 10 million years, about 400 million years ago.

He said some geologists believe that gigantic sea scorpions evolved due to higher levels of oxygen in the atmosphere in the past. Others suspect they evolved in an “arms race” alongside their likely prey, fish that had armor on their outer bodies.

Braddy said the sea scorpions also were cannibals that fought and ate one other, so it helped to be as big as they could be.

“The competition between this scorpion and its prey was probably like a nuclear standoff, an effort to have the biggest weapon,” he said. “Hundreds of millions of years ago, these sea scorpions had the upper hand over vertebrates — backboned animals like ourselves.”

That competition ended long ago.

But the next time you swat a fly, or squish a spider at home, Braddy said, try to “think about the insects that lived long ago. You wouldn’t want to swat one of those.”

Sea Scorpion

Transformers

Transformers (Review)

Transformers


2007
Directed by Michael Bay

Transformers were the pinnacle of 1980’s toys. They had classic characters and endure to this day. Transformers are among the first toys I remember getting for Christmas (of 1984, where I got toys including Megatron) and are toys I still have stored away in the attic. Even my favorite toy line (Battle Beasts) are just a spin-off of Transformers. I saw the original movie in the theaters and cried when Optimus Prime died. So to say I was interested when it was announced there would be a live action film is an understatement to say the least.

However, the interest soon waned when I found out Michael Bay was to be the director. Problems also arose when preview art of the Transformers showed them to be very ugly-looking. I realize this is not the Generation 1 line but a new universe. I don’t expect tape-recorder robots. I do expect writing that matched Beast Wars at the least, not writing that pales in comparison to the original cartoon. A cartoon where and entire episode revolved around a girl falling in love with Powerglide (who subsequently beat her around a bit). How hard can it be to write something that doesn’t suck? All you had to do was just be average and let the robots do the rest. Instead, we have 2 ½ hours (way too long) where robots don’t do much of anything until the last 25 minutes. And also the robots pee. Seriously. It’s a disgrace. Not to Transformers, but to audiences everywhere. The movie thinks the audience is stupid. The army regularly endangers civilians for no reason. There is a plot about hackers. Every piece of modern technology came from a frozen robot. The sun seems to be stuck at the edge of the horizon (or setting every five minutes) giving every shot an orange glow. More Transformers are killed by humans than Transformers. The robot fight sequences are cool, but were needed earlier. The movie is more than meets the eye, more terrible than the eye could ever meet.