Death Kappa

May 12, 2010ByTars Tarkas

Death Kappa will be dropping on Region 1 DVD and Blu-Ray on May 25th with a dubbed version for those of you who hate to read. May 25th is coming up quicker than you realize. Take a break and watch a movie where a giant kappa (a Japanese demon) smashes up some other giant monster. Death Kappa is the brainchild of Japanese FX man Tomoo Haraguchi.

The kappa, in Japanese folklore, are water goblins that are closely associated with a certain town in the country. Unfortunately, the area is also home to a militant splinter group of researchers dedicated to developing amphibious super soldiers based on the kappa of legends. When their experiments result in murders by some escapees, the appearance of an actual kappa, and the triggering of an atomic bomb, the consequences are of epic proportions. A monster arrives in the midst of the nuclear fallout, and Japan’s defenses are helpless against it. Mankind’s only savior is an irradiated water goblin that is on the rampage with death in its eyes.

Thanks to Avery for some info

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Samson (Review)

May 11, 2010ByTars Tarkas

Samson

1964
Directed by Nanabhai Bhatt

It’s time for some Bollywood Peplum with Dara Singh! Wait, you ask, Bollywood made Peplum and who is Dara Singh? Where the crap have you been, reader? Bollywood pumped out a few Peplum films because Bollywood does that stuff. And Dara Singh is only the greatest Indian wrestler who ever lived. He did tons of awesome films where he wrestles dudes. And he fights dinosaurs! What more do you want?

So Samson is a Bollywood feature disguised to look very much the part of a 1960s Italian Peplum movie. If they didn’t break into song every twenty minutes or so you might be fooled into thinking this was just another crazy Peplum film. It has all the same tropes as the genre it is copying, including funky awesome costumes, giant army battles, evil kings, genies, magic midgets, and fake-looking monsters. It’s available on unsubtitled vcd, but at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinkin’ subtitles! What we also don’t need are stupid watermarks on the vcd, but practically every Indian vcd has them (and also Bangladeshi, Nepalese, Pakistani, and several other countries vcds as well.)

	Samson (Dara Singh) – Samson is the local strong guy who just hangs around and chills with elephants. This annoys the king, because the king is all about anti-elephant propaganda or something. So Samson eventually starts a revolution getting the kill killed dead, then marries his daughter who seems cool with Samson getting her dad killed. Dara Singh was a professional wrestler during the 40s and 50s who moved on to making a string of B movies during the 1960s in India in seemingly every cult genre imaginable. Spaceships, gladiator, dinosaur fighting, secret agent, masked hero, he did it all. Todd at Die, Danger, Die, Die, Kill! compares him to El Santo. He later was in the widely viewed TV program Ramayan, was nominated to Rajya Sabha, and is the benchmark of manliness in Hindi pop culture.
	Princess Shera (Mumtaz Banoo) – Princess Shera is the typical spoiled princess who cannot believe that insolent Samson and his not doing whatever she wants, and also saving her. Eventually she falls in love with him, because that’s how it happens in these Bollywood flicks. Here name is very close to She-ra, which is awesome. Mumtaz Banoo is better known as Mumtaz. Mumtaz married millionaire Mayur Madhvani and had two daughters. Elder daughter Natasha married actor Fardeen Khan, son of Feroz Khan, who played Salook in this film. Younger daughter Mallika married to Randhawa the younger brother of famous wrestler Dara Singh. If you think about it, that is kind of weird. Mumtaz is considered one of the most beautiful actresses in Indian cinema of all time.
	Laila (Ameeta) – The chief maiden of Princess Shera and lover of Salook. She’s got me on my knees, I’m beggin’ darling please. Ameeta was an actress of the 50s and 60s who never quite made it into a successful leading actress career, partly due to bad career choices and partly due to being trapped in B-grade fair like this very film. Her daughter Sabeeha also tried a movie career, but her path was even shorter and more disappointing than her mother’s.
	Salook (Feroz Khan) – Salook is the hero-type who has no real personality besides being a good guy who isn’t a giant superman and thus doesn’t have the film named after him. But he gets a girl, too, so everyone wins! Feroz Khan is a legend in the Bollywood industry as an actor, director, and producer. Fellow actor Sanjay Khan was his brother and sometimes co-star, and Khan’s son Fardeen Khan also entered the entertainment business. Feroz Khan managed to get blacklisted in Pakistan, because cool people get banned from entire countries. Feroz Khan died in 2009.
	King Rashid (B.M. Vyas) – The evil king who is evil because the script needed an evil dude. B.M. Vyas doesn’t rate a Wikipedia page, so I had to do actual research, which was complicated by some guy in the milk industry also named B.M. Vyas. Who knew the milk industry was so wide-reaching on the internet? I couldn’t really find anything non-milk except photos and clips, so B.M.Vyas had a long long career in Indian cinema starting in the 1940s. It looks like he won a lot of awards later in life but a Google trail of broken links and terribly designed websites leave few clues.
	Dinosaur (An Unnamed Puppeteer) – Fred put Dino out one day and he got dino-knapped and woke up in ancient India where he is forced to eat prisoners for food. Poor Dino. But now that sabre-toothed tiger has the run of the Flintstone’s house!

InCulture Wars, Wingnut Web

Wingnut Web and the Husband Who Invented Everything

May 9, 2010ByTars Tarkas

Boy, Resistnet.com sure attracts the smartest people in the universe. Just check out what the “grassroots” organization’s typical member is capable of, and you will realized us liberals are doomed. DOOMED!!!

Yep, a 190 IQ, self-taught quantum physics, and universities pay him to build stuff for them.

FYI, to have a 190 IQ is so rare it is literally about 1/1,000,000,000. Yes, that is 1 in a billion.

But wait!

Helene and her husband have the power to convince anyone anything political because of magnets, and they REFUSE to work for IBM! Refuse!

Her husband invented everything ever

Her husband invented oxygen. Her husband invented Robocop. Her husband is the Chuck Norris of inventors.

He also invented it all for free!

Her husband knows your name and address. Her husband travels around the country and punches readers of TarsTarkas.NET in the nose. In fact, her husband is outside my door right now..

All geniuses talk to ghosts. Einstein wouldn’t stop talking to Napoleon.

Mary Patterson also has a 190 IQ husband who knows everything!

Also, when the Chinese broke into his computer he called NASA to warn them, because the Chinese would really target some random guy and NASA would really care that they did.

As you can see, this level of unstoppable supergenius cannot be countered by us Liberals, so we might as well give up now. This stuff is all true, and there is no way that the only thing invented was the lies her husband told her.

InMovie News

John Carter of Mars – Banth bones?

May 7, 2010ByTars Tarkas

Orlandi Statuary was hired to create a bunch of “saber tooth” bones for Pixar’s John Carter of Mars to be scattered around the sets. Since the closest thing to sabretooths in the literature is Banths, people are speculating we have Banth Bones!

Dem bones dem bones

Orlandi via JCOMReader

InCulture Wars, Movie News, Wingnut Web

Machete f'ed with the right Wingnuts

May 7, 2010ByTars Tarkas

Machete started out as a fake trailer in the Tarantino/Rodriguez movie Grindhouse and soon will be its own movie (along with fellow fake trailer Hobo With a Shotgun!) Robert Rodriguez released a special preview trailer on AICN to celebrate Cinco de Mayo, and the trailer is awesome. We got Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Robert DeNero, a special introduction, and more random stars than you can shake a machete at. And a million machetes. You would think everyone would be happy about this trailer, as awesome films please everyone. You would be wrong. To capitalize on the recent news, there is a special message at the beginning of the trailer saying it goes out to Arizona! This has ticked off a bunch of morons on FreeRepublic.com, and now we have our fun! We also pulled quotes from the original FoxNews article FR was linking to. Keep in mind that Fox is distributing the Machete film, so they have an special interest in keeping the movie’s name in the news, even if the way to do it is to have some right wing hack write a column filled with inaccurate information to make the wingnuts angry.

Actual title of the article, thus starting off the fun!

“Machete – true to life” – Tom Tancredo

Only liberals swear!

Mexicans are dumb and heartless!

Machete will turn America into Conservatopia!

Vague threats are just another fact of life on FreeRepublic.com!

Machete is the first shot in RaHoWa 2010!

I’m OK with the race war that’s totally in my bigoted mind!

Gay joke out of nowhere!

Mexicans will bring guns, unlike us, who have totally not been repeatedly saying how good we are with guns in every other post in this thread!

Guy complaining about violence in a movie while his sig leads to a site where you write fan fiction about shooting minorities and liberals.

What?

Machete – a tool of psycho druglords

Machete naturally leads to black guys raping white women as political statements. Looks like someone’s daughter married a black guy!

A less-insane freeper rises to the challenge of ansel12

ansel12 responds with hilarious irony!

Every crime ever committed by a black on a white was because of Shaft!

Obama passed Arizona’s laws and then made Machete as an excuse to kill conservatives

Funny how everyone hates Jessica Alba all of a sudden

ansel12 is going off the racial deep end

Young people mimic everything in movies. Just last week I robbed billions in gold while sending the cop who killed my brother on a wild goose chase. But that’s another hobby of mine…

CodeToad ready to attack Mexico again over a movie.

Let’s form our own country and start a violent civil war over a movie!

Wesa gonna die?

AuntB sure hates the troops for a conservative…

Wait until this guy finds out that the “mexkins” are mostly Indians!

Do you get my metaphor? Should I imply I want to shoot people more clearly?

Cool, an A. Wyatt Mann cartoon! Totally not racist!

Ask the Indians…about us…who are being invaded by Mexicans…who are Indians…

All set for Race War 2010 Predator 3!

wku man is ready to rock and roll! And shoot everyone.

Time to invade Mexico!

Machete – Somehow Obama’s fault! Let me show you my images of violent Blacks for no reason except to ranch up the racism!

Wal-Mart is filled with Mexicans…but I still shop there!

So let’s go to the original story on FoxNews.com….which has comments!!!!

Throw out 30% of the country!

Money for nothing and chicks for free!

Why won’t the government investigate this movie and all the violence it isn’t causing???

Someone needs to change his diapers!

Obama caused Machete

Let’s indiscriminately murder Mexican citizens because of a movie.

Are we still talking about Machete?

Like Jesus would do!

Yep, just read every post above this one!

Assassinate everyone because of Machete! Way to get past moderation on FoxNews.com

Machete is the Real Racist!

Nuke Mexico cuz of Machete! Also the Alamo will be different? Does this supergenius know that they LOST at the Alamo?

Lock and Load! But we are peaceful!

poindexter? Welcome to 1959!

Another guy who doesn’t remember what actually happened at the Alamo.

taco bending m.a.g.g.o.t.s are the Real Racists!

SSShhhhhhhhhhh!!

The dirty little secret is deep in their hearts all Mexicans want to kill you dead! I know it’s true because I made it up myself!

day in and day out

Why is Robert Rodriguez the only thing not all-caps? I am guessing because he copy-pasted it.

Muslim Terrorists are coming in through Cuba! I know, I saw it on the internet!

Taco Bell is now out $3.00 a week.

Well, assuming we don’t nuke Mexico and start WW3 over Toy Story 3, Wingnut Web will be back…soon!

InSite News

We're back!

May 6, 2010ByTars Tarkas

Supposedly. Maybe. Hopefully. Isn’t webhosting fun???

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