Sexy Soccer

Sexy Soccer (Review)

Sexy Soccer

aka Sing gum zhook kao aka 少女足球

2003
Directed by Dick Lau Tin-Sze

Warning, this movie has a lot of puns. A lot of bad puns. A lot of bad puns that don’t translate well so things might sound weird. Just go with it!

Hong Kong Category III sex films have gotten cheaper and cheaper. Sexy Soccer represents a last gasp of actual money in a production, films post-2003 seem to be done for 1/10th of the cost of this film. Sexy Soccer sees such things as extras, location shooting, and characters that number more than five. This is from Dick Lau Tin-Sze’s company (probably an alias), and the films he produced decreased in quality and used many of the same actors. It’s like watching them go from real movies down to community theater to dinner theater.

But it’s so damn awful! My goodness, so awful… A large portion of the film comprises of these girls playing soccer, and it’s obviously that they spent more time filming these scenes than the entirety of gym classes during their school years. Bumbling around the soccer field is not believable, but that’s not really the point of the film. The point of the film seems to be watching Matthew Ng Ting get it on with a variety of girls. As Matthew Ng Ting is not very attractive, the film treating him like some sort of lust-inducing superstud is laughable. The situations, the contrived plot, and the weird asides all add up to a wacky film. But at least it is somewhat entertaining. You do wonder what sort of weird thing will happen next. It’s…odd. And since some other films made soon after are just wretchedly bad, Sexy Soccer deserves more praise than it’s going to get. But it’s so damn awful!

The music is not bad, but I like surf music. If you don’t like surf music, than the soundtrack of the film will drive you bonkers! Actors credited that don’t seem to be in any other film include Tong Tong, Cheung Wing, Kam Bing-Man, and Siu Yau. Just which of them are which actresses/actors, I don’t know. And if any of the ??? actresses below show up in other films, again, I don’t know. We’re just chock full o’ knowledge here at TarsTarkas.NET!

Rolando Lo (Matthew Ng Ting) – Rolando is a soccer coach who just can’t win. Until he comes up with an idea to win win win. Also he has sex with like 5000 women in a matter of days. Imagine how many STDs this dude has. Matthew Ng Ting appeared out of nowhere to suddenly star in close to 25 Cat III sex films, then vanish just as quickly. Probably in a dumpster. A sex dumpster!
Pulls (Carmen Yeung Ga-Man) – Pulls has cotton balls in her mouth for some reason, I guess to make her more whiny or something. Odd character choice, but let’s go with it! Carmen Yeung Ga-Man was in a whole slew of Cat III films for a few years (including Sex and the Central), then suddenly disappeared, then suddenly reappeared as a singer, and was even linked to Eric Tsang in the tabloids. She has disappeared again.
Nina (Au-Yeung Hoi-Suen) – Nina gives Rolando the idea to get a team full of bouncy girls to distract the other soccer players. She even agrees to join his team if he finds someone else to be on it. That random promise put her down a road to becoming a soccer superstar. Au-Yeung Hoi-Suen/Vinny Ouyang was in a few random Cat III films during the first half of the Aughts. This was probably the best one of the lot. She also shows up briefly in Drink, Drank, Drunk before vanishing into obscurity.
Little Twin (???) – The legendary Rolling Queen of bowling. You may have heard of her, she’s very famous. You haven’t heard of Little Twin? You must be new around here, then! Kingpin was based on her life. And then Little Twin decided after a battle of riddles to conquer the world of soccer. Look out, soccer!
Big Twin (???) – The pool playing sister of the family, who is obviously related to Little Twin. I’m convinced the same actress played both parts and the scenes were achieved with digital trickery! That actress? Lindsay Lohan!
Ironan (Grace Lam Nga-Si) – Ironan? Was her name supposed to be Ironman? Iron-Nan? Iron on? Who know? In any event, she’s an auto mechanic recruited to the team as a goalie.
Mysterious Bonus Player (???) – Mysterious Bonus Player shows up in the background of a few of the soccer matches, rounding out the Friendly Balls team. But just who is she? Why does she only have one line? Why does actress Au-Yeung Hoi-Suen shove her out of the shot for one scene? These are the mysteries that try men’s souls.

The Chronicles of Rick Roll

The Chronicles of Rick Roll shows that just when you think mankind might be moving on to a better world, you’re wrong and hell and we’re all gonna die! 2012 and the end can’t get here soon enough! Nuke it all, nuke everyone, from A to Z. From Aaron A. Aaronson to Zachary Z. Zzaaronson. Nuke the world, and nuke it again. Just to make sure.

The Chronicles of Rick Roll is a concept trailer where someone who got a hold of Tosh.0’s email contact list got a bunch of viral video people together to make a horrible film, this concept trailer being used to get more money. I was sad that I recognized so many faces in the trailer, but when i saw the expanded cast list I became happy that I recognized so few! So hooray for me! But BOOOOO! for everyone, because The Chronicles of Rick Roll will probably get the $8 they need to turn this film into a reality. Where it will be released on YouTube. And get less views than a kitten playing with string.

Cast includes: Antoine Dodson (Bed Intruder), The Double Rainbow guy, Ben Schultz (Leeroy Jenkins), Stephen Quire (Freakout Kid), Mark Hicks (Afro Ninja), Catie Wayne (Boxxy), Matt Sloan & Aaron Yonda (Chad Vader), Tay Zonday (Chocolate Rain), Michael Copper (Copper Cab), David DeVore (David After Dentist), Judson Laipply (Evolution of Dance), and Ted Williams (Man with the Golden Voice)

Official Site

Crying Fiddle

Crying Fiddle (Review)

Crying Fiddle

aka แว่วเสียงซอ

2004
Directed by Jarin Parnsain

Time once again for some Thai shot on video horror! It’s when the guessing game is the horror in the film…or the film itself??? Usually it’s the film. Will it be the case this time? Duh!

This time we have the story of a girl who dies and comes back as a vengeful ghost who also happens to be green. Why green? Why the heck not? It’s not like we’re treading new ground with green ghosts, remember Slimer? But there will be no Ghostbusting…oh, there IS Ghostbusting, by a few Thai Buddhist priests, but they are the ones who get busted instead! Bustin’ doesn’t make them feel good, I tell you what.

For 73 minutes of generic ghost gunk, the film is okay. But it is the type of film you finish, go “Oooooookay…”, and then immediately start another film and never think about it again. Unless you write reviews on the internet, in which case you spend 30 minutes writing up a review and then never think about it again. You see what I go through for TarsTarkas.NET?

Pring (Koontira Sattabongkot) – Pring is a rich girl who is smitten with her family’s servent Thai, but dad gets angry, which goes bad when she shows up dead. It’s murder, and the rapey murderer Sorn soon gets revenged on.
Thai (Ninnart Sinchai) – Thai is a servant of a rich family that gets fired because their daughter has the hots for him. Wouldn’t you know, but soon she’s dead and back in green ghost form, bugging Thai. Thai can’t catch a break. Actor Ninnart Sinchai was also in the Thai horror flick Immortal Enemy
Sorn (???) – Sorn is a spoiled jerk who always gets his way. And if you stand in his way, he’ll rape you dead!
Cha-em (???) – Cha-em is the other girl in the film that somehow is obsessed with Thai, even though her character is useless.

News Bits – Little Vampire, Resident Evil, Hong Kong Phooey, Smurfs 2, Flat Stanley

Little Vampire was a graphic novel, will now be a movie. Joann Sfar created the book – Little Vampire Goes to School – and is writing and directing, with producer John Carls (Rango) on board. Let’s hope its better than this little vampire!:
Little Vampire
The real stuff:
Little Vampire Goes To School

Speaking of kids books, Flat Stanley will also be a film! Flat Stanley is that cardboard doll that gets sent to famous people all the time.

Flat Stanley Mexico

Flat Stanley vs Beverly Hills Chihuahua!

Smurfs 2, bitches!

There’s a new Resident Evil film being made. I’ve lost count at how many Resident Evil films I am behind in watching…

That Hong Kong Phooey movie they keep threatening is moving forward, and Eddie Murphy will voice!

LOS ANGELES, CA, AUGUST 10, 2011—Eddie Murphy will give voice to the animated lead character in Alcon Entertainment’s live action/animated big screen adaptation of the of the 1970s Hanna-Barbera animated TV series HONG KONG PHOOEY, it was announced by Alcon co-founders and co-CEO’s Broderick Johnson and Andrew Kosove.

In addition to voicing the character of Donkey in the box-office hit “Shrek” franchise, Murphy was also the voice of Mushu, the Dragon, in the successful animated epic “Mulan.” Murphy will next be seen in the comedies “Tower Heist,” co-starring Ben Stiller from Universal Studios and “A Thousand Words,” from DreamWorks.

Alex Zamm (“Dr. Dolittle: Million Dollar Mutts,” “Tooth Fairy 2”) will direct. Kosove and Johnson will produce with Jay Stern and Brett Ratner. Steven P. Wegner will executive produce.

State Johnson and Kosove: “We could not be happier that Eddie Murphy will star as Phooey. There is no overstating his contributions to cinema, and to such enduring stars of family entertainments such as ‘Shrek’ and ‘Dr. Doolittle.’ We look forward to watching him re-imagine yet another classic character.”

Based on the 70’s cult classic Hanna Barbera animated TV series, a mild-mannered dog named PENRY (Murphy) stumbles into a mystic ceremony and is accidentally granted mystic powers, including the ability to walk, talk, and do kung fu. Under the tutelage of his kung fu master, Penry dons a costume and becomes Hong Kong Phooey, and with the help of his trusting sidekick Spot the cat cleans up a rogues gallery of wacky criminals.

Murphy is represented by Adam Venit at WME, and Skip Brittenham and Matt Johnson at Ziffren Brittenham. Alcon’s in house counsel David Fierson negotiated on behalf of the Company.

A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas

Looks great! NPH is back, Santa is real, and the 3D is all over the place. But I’ll probably skip out on 3D as I hate it. Still, will be going to the theater for this one!

November 4th Christmas comes early!

A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas Claymation

Men Suddenly In Love

Men Suddenly in Love

aka 猛男滾死隊

2011
Written and directed by Wong Jing

Ever get tired of the non-stop sugar sweetness of the Hong Kong New Years comedies where everyone gets married and lives happily ever after? Well, don’t worry, because Wong Jing is here to throw a dose of jaded bitterness all over the institution of marriage with Men Suddenly in Love! Cheating, seduction, treachery, plotting, conspiracies, the game of thrones that is marriage in Wong Jing land is all laid bare before you. And despite the bad message, the film has some entertaining parts, but not enough to keep me happy.

The title references the similarly toned Men Suddenly In Black (2003), though where In Black shines in it’s unique portrait of marriage, In Love seems like a hollow copy, half-hearted in its conspiracies, too focused on setting up random scenarios than coalescing everything into a major narrative. Though probably done to get around the filming schedules of the stars, there are few scenes where everyone is together. It’s more like a series of stories that randomly intersect.

If you love films where hot lang mo models want to get with old old dudes, then you will love Men Suddenly In Love. If you aren’t an old dude, then you probably are rolling your eyes (if you are an old dude, you are probably combing your hair, anticipating hot models to come wandering in your room any moment!) The irony of these new models is some of the wives they are replacing were once considered the hotties of the Hong Kong cinema world, though said hotties were less likely to be strutting around in a bikini or bras for their films.

The main characters are a group of guys who over the years were students of a teacher named Master Jude, who reunite to celebrate the 80th birthday of Master Jude. Each guy has gone on to a life of success thanks to the teachings of Master Jude, and though they are married, the marriages have their own flaws and levels of dissatisfaction. These different men of different ages and different class years at school are also portrayed as deep friends solely due to their bond with Master Jude, though it is not explained why they hang out together despite the large age differences..

Master Jude (Richard Ng Yiu-Hon) – A great teacher and inspiration for the young males at his school, Master Jude’s greatest students get together to celebrate his 80th birthday. Dies in the first third of the film, but don’t worry, he’s soon back as Master Jude the White. On his deathbed, makes the students present promise that when they have sex with the models to call out his name.
York Ng (Eric Tsang Chi-Wai) – A reactionary politician. His wife is Hillary Lau (Maggie Cheung Hoh-Yee), a busy lawyer, she has no time for sex, and York must fill out application for time. Has an affair with Tina Ma (Chrissie Chau Sau-Na)
Claude Cheung (Jim Chim Sui-Man) – A dedicated actor, immerses himself in his craft. His latest flick is Ip Man vs Haunted Echoes of the Rainbow Has to pretend that his wife Sze (Harriet Yeung Sze-Man) is his cousin for professional reason. Has an affair with Audrey Or (Jessica Xu/Jessica Tsui)
Sam Fu (Wong Jing) – A gyneologist who tries to be good. His wife is Nana Lam (Monica Chan Fat-Yung), who is too busy watching tv or complaining about itchy beards Has an affair with Peril Ngai (Caroline Chu Yulin/Caroline Zhu)
Keith Szeto (Chapman To Man-Chat) – A medium, psychic, ghostbuster, fung shui master, all that jazz. So is his wife, who is even more famous than him, Du-Gu Ling Ling (played by famous Hong Kong medium Mak Ling-Ling). There is never an astrological suitable day to have sex! Has an affair with Jeanne (Carol Yeung Tsz-Yiu)
Charlie Lam (Det Di Yee-Tat) – Runs a dance studio. His wife Nancy Chan (Jacqueline Chong Si-Man) is a jealous gangster girl who also has her gangster brother staying in their bedroom at the foot of the bed criticizing their lovemaking technique. Has an affair with Eleven (Betrys Kong Yi)