“They Look Like They Make Sense, Don’t They?” – A Reassessment of Prometheus

The following article is unapologetically spoilerific on the subject of Prometheus. If you haven’t seen that film, I’d suggest doing that before reading this. Also, I should warn you that I am quite blunt about genital descriptions, in keeping with the imagery of the film.

Prometheus was one of the most hotly anticipated movies of the year. Fans of the Alien films, i.e: everyone, were chomping at the bit for the answers to the unanswerable questions posed by that film’s mysterious “Space Jockey”. Who was that guy? What was his connection to the titular alien? What happened to the rest of them? Well, Ridley Scott finally got his chance to try to answer all these questions in the form of Prometheus, a prequel of sorts to the 1979 film. We were finally going to find out what it was all about!

New voices on TarsTarkas.NET

Starting Saturday, posts from people who aren’t me are going to start appearing on TarsTarkas.NET. We’ve brought on some additional writers to help keep the site updates more regular, allowing me to still be productive while I also focus on more time-consuming projects like the podcasts and videos. It also means there will be actual good writing here and not just me blathering on about whatever dog I saw while out walking. Soooo many wiener dogs… Join me in welcoming Ian Maddison and Sheldrake to TarsTarkas.NET! Their posts will appear on the main site and will make TarsTarkas.NET a better place. Having previewed their work, I am excited, and you will be too.

If you or someone you know is interesting in writing for TarsTarkas.NET, details are in this post.

Cookie Monster For President

King Kong live on stage!

King Kong Stage

No, I’m not talking about the final scene of King Kong where he breaks free from the stage show to go on a rampage, I’m talking about a stage production of King Kong that will be happening in Melbourne in June 2013! Complete with a giant King Kong puppet, which I support because of the very tiny chance there will be a puppet apocalypse and the King Kong robot breaks free from the stage show to go on a rampage.

Five years in the making, KING KONG will feature a cast of more than 40 actors, singers, dancers and circus performers, and a team of puppeteers who will bring to life one of the most technologically advanced puppets in the world – a one-tonne, six-metre tall silverback gorilla.

The exciting score will feature modernised musical standards including I WANNA BE LOVED BY YOU, BROTHER CAN YOU SPARE A DIME and GET HAPPY from the worlds best contemporary artist, as well as dazzling choreography, traditional puppetry, breathtaking circus skills and advanced animatronics to showcase one of the most romantic and timeless love stories of our time.

The King Kong robot is made by Global Creatures, and here are some test videos of the prototype:


More info on the King Kong Live Blog
King Kong Live official site

Tokyo Ballistic War Vol.2

Tokyo Ballistic War – Cyborg High School Girl VS. Cyborg Beautiful Athletes Vol.2

aka Tokyo Ballistic War Vol.2

2010
Written by Takashi Misumi
Directed by Eiji Kamikura


Tokyo Ballistic War Vol.2 is here to answer all the questions we had at the end of Tokyo Ballistic War Vol.1. Like “Huh?” and “What?” and “Stop talking to me about Tokyo Ballistic War Vol.1! I’m calling the cops, creepo!” Okay, maybe the last one is just what people around me say as they frantically back away and spray mace, but the story continues. Zen Pictures gets creative, breaking the narrative from the original, as it was about taking down overpowered cyborg athletes, it’s now about saving your friend from fates worse than death. And taking down overpowered cyborg athletes on the side.

All your favorite cyborg devices are back, along with a few new surprises. They clearly wanted the final battle between Ai and Megumi to pack an emotional punch alongside the CGI cyborgial punch. Though Zen Pictures does include all the Zen Pictures tropes, so you fan service and torture fans have your cake as well. But please eat it at a different spot, this is the cool kids table.

As interesting as these films are just for their existence in the middle of a cottage industry of specialized cheap films, they don’t possess enough individual specialness to shine outside of their little corner. But they do make good role models in their little world. If the Tokyo Ballistic War films do anything, I hope they inspire the other Zen Pictures films to aspire higher and better, perhaps paving the way for a true crossover film, or at least helping to build future great filmmakers.

Ai Asaoka (Ayaka Noda) – Schoolgirl with a name similar to Megumi Asoaka, they become fast friends and Ai was then mistakenly turned into a fighting cyborg. She had defeated two Athlete-roids, but has now been captured by the villainous Koumoto.
Megumi Asaoka (Arisa Taki) – Schoolgirl member of the Japanese Sports Association who is friends with Ai. She must now rescue her friend before it is too late.
Chairman Gondo (???) – Chairman of the Japanese Sports Association, he takes the JSA seriously and cannot allow cyborg enhancements to ruin the purity of the games. He lost an eye, but like Nick Fury, it is never explained why…
Koumoto (???) – Evil executive at Dainippon and main proponent of the Athlete-roid technology. Is arrogant enough in his creations to not worry about the JSA’s meddling. Is threatening to rebuild Ai in evil form.
Kozue Hara – DNJ-01 – (Yuka Inoue) – Dead.
Ami Adachi – DNJ-02 – (Moe Aizawa) – Dead
Kyoko Yamaguchi – DNJ-03 – (Serika Noda) – Member of the wrestling team and dominates her opponents on the mat. Has a special vest that allows domination, and can crush with her giant hand stompers.
Hitomi Oka – DNJ-04 – (Momo Kasuga) – Member of the tennis team who lobs bombs at her opponents. And I don’t mean tennis bombs! Or do I…? Momo Kasuga is an adult film star.

There is no parking in the Future Zone – new RiffTrax VOD!

RiffTrax VOD titles continue to come out faster than I can watch them, to the point where sequels to ones I haven’t watched yet now exist! Obviously, this is a conspiracy to get me to take time off work just to watch RiffTrax VOD flicks. Which is a good idea…

Future Zone is the sequel to Future Force, in which David Carradine is a cop with a Nintendo Power Glove that fights crime. In the Future. With Force! Except now, he fights crime in the Future. With Zone! Whatever that means. Probably something about loading and unloading. Let’s let this copy/paste from RiffTrax.com explain the rest…

When we last left him, things were looking up for John Tucker. He had landed a babe way out of his league. That nerdy kid who was always bothering him had been gunned down. He owned the world’s most powerful glove, which he occasionally admired as it sat in a box in the back of his dirty Jeep.

But Tucker’s world is about to come crashing down when a mysterious visitor shows up at COP headquarters. (Unable to decide whether the acronym was COPI or COPS, the creative team* behind Future Zone just dropped the fourth letter altogether. Also, they may have moved from LA to Mobile, Alabama. The movie is very unclear about this. Oh, and the main bad guys in this one were in Future Force, but we’re pretty sure they are playing different characters here. Lest these changes scare off the potential sequel viewer, do not fear: Carradine’s beer belly remains very much intact.)

Anyways, the mysterious visitor shows up. He’s wearing a mesh shirt and seems to know a little too much about John Tucker. Who is this mystery man and where did he come from? This is a question you will ponder for exactly four milliseconds before you, like every other non-brain damaged person, quickly realize “That is obviously his son from the future.”

How did he travel back in time? “My friends built a time portal,” he casually mentions, never to address it again. Yeah. It’s that kind of movie.

But the family affair doesn’t just stop there! In a delightful twist, Carradine’s real life wife plays his onscreen wife. The chemistry between Carradine and the woman who sold him out to the media after his death with quotes like “He had his kinky moments” and “He would go to a hardware store and buy the stuff” really is the emotional heart of Future Zone.

Mike, Kevin and Bill splashed a fresh coat of mud onto their Chevy Blazer and make sure any and all gloves are firmly secured in an out of the way box as they hop on the highway to the Future Zone!

*hahahahahahahahahahaha

So if you enjoy Zone-related future, check out Future Zone today!

Future Zone

Invasion of the Right Wing Nuthouse movies!

Atlas Shrugged

2016: Obama’s America has made over $33 million, making it the second highest grossing political documentary of all time (behind Fahrenheit 9/11’s $119 million), and that’s making right wing nutjobs have dollar signs spring from their eyes like some sort of cartoon. So you can now expect a title wave of similar films coming to a theater near you!

2016: Obama’s America expanded from a single screen to hundreds thanks to the work of Movie To Movement‘s “theater captains”, approximately 1200 volunteers who acted as a street team, calling, emailing, and social networking conservative Christians. MJM Entertainment and distributor Rocky Mountain Pictures made sure their film was mentioned and advertised on many conservative hangouts and radio shows. In fact, they’re even still making headlines, complaining about “dirty tricks” to stop 2016 and other ridiculous conspiracy theories.

The first to cash in was Occupy Unmasked, the latest film from writer-director Stephen K. Bannon (the guy who made the pro-Sarah Palin documentary The Undefeated last year.) Occupy Unmasked features the late Andrew Breitbart and also David Horowitz, who provides 2 of the 3 Press Quotes about the film featured on the website (they are essentially the same quote, one has his name misspelled, and the other “press” is Sarah Palin!) Despite already being available on DVD and VOD, it got a release via Magnet Releasing.

Next up this Friday, October 12th, will be Atlas Shrugged: Part II. Atlas Shrugged: Part II follows in the heals of producer Harmon Kaslow’s mega-successful Atlas Shrugged Part I. Mega-successful = Mega-bomb. Part I made $1.7 million on 300 screen, expanded to around 465 screens, and saw business sharply drop off for a total take of under $5 million on a $20 million budget. The DVD release also made headlines when the cover jackets were all recalled because the package said “Ayn Rand’s timeless novel of courage and self-sacrifice.” Despite the Free Market speaking, Part II continued with production, anyway.

Part I marketed heavily through astroturf Teabagger groups like Freedomworks. Part II is getting a more heavy media blitz, with radio ads attempting to tie it into the election (“Will it influence the election?” asks the ad I hear daily. No, no it won’t.) Oddly enough, none of the ads mention this is Part II of Atlas Shrugged. This is part of a $5 million media blitz to advertise the film, which is scheduled to open on 850 screens.

Hating Breitbart is a documentary about the enemies of Andrew Breitbart made by Andrew Marcus, and they’re also using Movie To Movement to promote the film. Rocky Mountain Pictures is doing the distribution, they also did 2016, Atlas Shrugged Part I, the anti-evolution movie Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, and the anti-ACLU flick Last Ounce of Courage. It was shown at the RNC convention. Hating Breitbart was also supposed to open October 12th, but the producers got into a spat with the MPAA because Breitbart uses “fuck” like a bajillion times in the film. They’ve edited it down to only four fucks, and are fighting to keep them because they’re essential to the plot or something. So fucking look out for Hating Breitbart on October 19th, fuckers!

They hype is even causing former bombs to come back to life. Runaway Slave (another Rocky Mountain Pictures distribution) bombed in theaters, but was resurrected for another 2 dozen or so theaters.

Of course, not every Right Wing Nuthouse film will be a hit. Won’t Back Down was an anti-teacher union film from Walden Media (who also released the 2010 anti-teacher union documentary Waiting for “Superman”) as propaganda for the parent-trigger option laws to create privately run charter schools (which are then immune to said laws no matter how bad they are!) Walden Media CEO Philip Anschutz is behind both films, and Won’t Back Down was gifted over $2 million in publicity via right wing groups such as the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. Thankfully, the public wasn’t buying it, and Won’t Back Down became the biggest box office bomb for the first weekend of a film opening in over 2500 screens.

But with money on the line, you can be sure that there will be more Right Wing Nuthouse films coming to a theater near you, all playing to a specific audience of true believers and all designed to suck out all of their money.

Atlas Shrugged 2

I hope they keep the part where Ayn Rand died poor and on government assistance!