Another Torchlight Picture that takes place mostly in the middle of the desert! Except they have ditched the random archaeology or photography themes and instead are using a vacation theme. National Lampoon’s Desert Vacation. But don’t worry, this has all the Torchlight Picture/Francis Locke motifs:
The desert
A run-down hotel
A long shower sequence in the run-down hotel
Sex scenes bordering on 15 minutes long
Dialogue in-between said sex sequences bordering on 2 minutes long
Music by Blade Simpson
The pair of women in Samantha’s Sexy Summer have more silicone and collagen injections than an entire baseball team of Tiger Woods mistresses. And since the both play their identical twin sisters, it’s a quad dose of fake boobs!
Feel the sexy summer!
Samantha (Tabitha Stevens) – a desert-obsessed vacationer who is sort of searching for the friends she’s meeting there along with Raycene, but they keep getting distracted by all of their lesbian sex.
Raycene (Frankie Dashwood) – Brought along with Samantha to the desert where they both search for their identical twins and Marty. If they can keep their hands off each other!
Marty (Jourdain Lefue) – Marty once had a fling with Samantha in the desert, forming Samantha’s new-found desert fetish. Now he’s back with Samantha and Raycene’s sisters.
Dean (Tabitha Stevens) – Samantha’s twin sister who is totally identical to Samantha in every way, including tattoos. The only difference is Samantha wears her hair down instead of a pony tail!
Raycene’s Twin Sister (Frankie Dashwood) – Raycene’s Twin Sister never even gets a name, and never wears clothes. The only difference between the siblings is her hair is up while Raycene’s is down.
If you ask “Can you hear me now?” one more time, I’ll hunt you down and gut you!
snow white and the huntsman is trash. moral garbage. a lot of fuzzy feminist thinking and pandering to creepy hollywood mores produced by metrosexual imbeciles.
I don’t want to publish reviews of films where women are alpha and men are beta.
where women are heroes and villains and men are just lesser versions or shadows of females.
i believe in manliness.
**There’s gonna be a Johnny Carson biopic! John McLaughlin will write, Tom Thayer will produce and it’s going to be based off of the biography Carson The Magnificent: An Intimate Portrait by Bill Zehme book.
**Triplets has a writer! You know Triplets, the sequel to Twins, which starred Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito as brothers, that will incorporate Eddie Murphy as a third brother. Somehow. We thought it was a joke but now Josh Gad (Book of Mormon) and Ryan Dixon are collecting a paycheck to write a script, so the joke is on us. I hope they continue the tradition of having the villain get hundreds of feet of chains dropped on his head.
**I’m still not going to report Episode VII director rumors until one is confirmed, because anything else is pointless garbage.
**TarsTarkas.NET is too popular and has outgrown our shared hosting, so soon we’ll be switching to a VPS, as soon as I figure out what the heck to do to make that happen. Until then, we have to run in a crippled mode to not set off the wrath of our webhost and get suspended again.
As in I will murder you to get a spot in the audience opening night hilarious. A buddy cop movie with Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy, directed by Paul Feig? That alone would get me in the theater, but the trailer is one of the funnier ones I’ve seen in a while, and hints at far greater things in the film itself. The Heat is already getting buzz just from the trailer today, so imagine how things will snowball by release date next year! Buy stock in snow companies stat!
Uptight and straight-laced, FBI Special Agent Sarah Ashburn (Sandra Bullock) is a methodical investigator with a reputation for excellence–and hyper-arrogance. Shannon Mullins (Melissa McCarthy), one of Boston P.D.’s “finest,” is foul-mouthed and has a very short fuse, and uses her gut instinct and street smarts to catch the most elusive criminals. Neither has ever had a partner, or a friend for that matter. When these two wildly incompatible law officers join forces to bring down a ruthless drug lord, they become the last thing anyone expected: buddies. From Paul Feig, the director of “Bridesmaids.”
Everything seems cool until you see her giant kitty litter box!
The Akihabara Trilogy are in essence fetish movies for lovers of girls in costumes. Legend of the Doll and Pretty Maid Cafe are also not very interesting films, and barely even worth mentioning beyond the titles. Cat Girl Kiki, however, has an extra spark of dark what the fuck that makes it memorable, even though it’s completely awful. Cat Girl Kiki will suck the joy out of you and make you question life.
I’m not sure they told Yui Kano anything about her role before they glued cat ears to her head and started filming.
Now, we at TarsTarkas.NET respect when filmmakers take risks. I love it when things happen that are completely different and a director or writer goes against type to try to make something new and magical. And while Cat Girl Kiki could have just been a fun romp with a guy and his magical cat girl having adventures, instead we get a look at a deeply disturbed individual and what happens when you read too much manga and do nothing else.
Psst! I’ll slip you a $20 and some catnip if you break me out of this joint!
Now, it is impossible to discuss the film properly without spoilers, so expect everything to be revealed as I put this film on blast.
Kiki (Yui Kano) – Kiki is a cat girl who appears first as a kitten adopted by Yoshiro, and morphs into a cat girl the next morning. Thus Yoshiro has to teach her how to be human. Too bad he didn’t teach her how to actually exist, because she doesn’t. Spoilers! If anyone is seriously upset over spoilers over a cat girl movie, get a life. Yui Kano is a seiyu. I don’t know what that is. I don’t want to know what that is.
Yoshiro Takagi (Teruaki Uotani) – A loveable loser. Well, not really, he’s more of a pathetic loser with a large collection of prominently displayed porn mangas, costume fetishes, and feline fetishes. His girlfriend cheats on him because he’s so boring, and he withdraws into a freaky fantasy world. A real hikikomori.
Yuka Sanada (Minami Aoyama) – Girlfriend of Yoshiro who decides she needs someone else’s penis inside her. Yet they end up together in the end. Minami Aoyama is a Japanese porn star that you probably saw in Confinement Chair Restriction Trance. Which I think is a subgenre of electronic music…
Shingo Noda (Katsuya Kobayashi) – Yuka’s friend and bathtime fun partner, unfortunately their bathtime fun happens while she is dating Yoshiro, which sends him into a spiral of despair and delusion. Katsuya Kobayashi was also in Kamen Rider Kabuto: God Speed Love and Linda Linda Linda. I would be derelict in my duty to not mention he looks creepy.
Did you camp out overnight to watch Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 and now have wait until Stephanie Meyer writes some more books? Luck is on your side, as her other book, The Host, is already becoming a flick and just released the second trailer.
In the future where alien jerks called Souls have wiped out most of humanity and parasitized most of the survivors, the few real humans left include a pair of young hot and heavies known as Jared Howe and Melanie. But Melanie is captured and implanted with a Soul named Wanderer. Wanderer must not have spent much time at the Soul Gold Gym as it’s weak and doesn’t take full control of Melanie, enough that she can convince the alien to go looking for Jared so they can rekindle their romance. And also find her family but who cares about that crap? It’s all about the young love and will there be werewolf teens running around shirtless? Those are the important Stephanie Meyer plot details.
Saoirse Ronan is Melanie, Max Irons (how is that a real name?!?!?!) is Jared Howe, and Jake Abel, Diane Kruger and Frances Fisher costar.
Will America embrace this tale of alien parasite love? Will people make lots of Trill jokes? Do people even remember what a Trill is? No one loves DS9… =(
via MTV, who now plays trailer premieres but still no music videos.
More YA fantasy is headed to the silver screen as the universe rushes to find the next Twilight before Twilight reboots itself. This attempt to gain the box office prize is Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, the first film in what is a six book urban fantasy series (which means at least seven films when we separate the last book into two parts again…) that features half-angels battling demons, and one girl who is the key to defeating the forces of evil. And from the plot synopsis, no love triangle, unless that nerdy guy from the trailer is also a love interest. Clary Fray has the power to see all these invisible angels and demons because of stuff given away in the trailer, so watch the trailer. The last Mortal Instruments book isn’t even out yet, which means it could all end horribly as well, and that’s not counting the prequel and sequel series. The Mortal Instruments series is written by Cassandra Clare, the script is written by Jessica Postigo, and Harald Zwart is the director. Lily Collins is the not ridiculously named Clary Fray, Jamie Campbell Bower is Jace Wayland, and Robert Sheehan is Simon Lewis, Kevin Zegers is Alec Lightwood, and Jemima West is Isabelle Lightwood.
Guess I should spend 20 minutes and read the books one day. Just so I can be smug during the film with what is missing.
When fifteen-year-old Clary Fray heads out to the Pandemonium Club in New York City, she hardly expects to witness a murder—much less a murder committed by three teenagers covered with strange tattoos and brandishing bizarre weapons. Then the body disappears into thin air. It’s hard to call the police when the murderers are invisible to everyone else and when there is nothing—not even a smear of blood—to show that a boy has died. Or was he a boy?
This is Clary’s first meeting with the Shadowhunters, warriors dedicated to ridding the earth of demons. It’s also her first encounter with Jace, a Shadowhunter who looks a little like an angel and acts a lot like a jerk. Within twenty-four hours Clary is pulled into Jace’s world with a vengeance, when her mother disappears and Clary herself is attacked by a demon. But why would demons be interested in ordinary mundanes like Clary and her mother? And how did Clary suddenly get the Sight? The Shadowhunters would like to know…
Anyone else think this film series writes it’s own porn parody titles?
