The remake of The Crow somehow sprung back to life the past few weeks as it was offered to a bunch of established actors, all of which wisely passed. But someone had to bite the bullet, and that someone was Luke Evans, who is on the cusp of becoming someone well-known (he’s appearing in the upcoming Fast and Furious 6, The Hobbit prequels, and the Dracula prequel), but all that attention will turn into disappointment as The Crow (remake) is turning into the biggest fiasco since the last biggest fiasco! (John Carter, The Lone Ranger, Jack the Giant Slayer, take your pick) A new script review of the current draft by Latino Review has pointed out a few flaws with the current script. Basically, it sucks worse than anything has ever sucked before, even the DTV The Crow sequels!
Unfortunately for me, the review is in video format. But thanks to the magic of someone else watching it and giving a summary (thanks, Bloody Disgusting!) we have an idea of the main reason I’m talking about this:
Eric Draven is now a bible quoting police officer (not a rock musician) who has to paint his face because he’s invisible
Now, I’m no The Crow super-fan and have no real dog in this fight re: respecting the original source. Hence my call to action – WE MUST DO EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER TO GET INVISIBLE BIBLE GHOST COP: THE MOVIE MADE!! This film will be the beginning and end of awful ridiculousness, and it must be born!
Scarlet Samurai: Incarnation comes from the mind of Tara Cardinal, who stars, co-wrote, and co-directed the film. It’s her second feature after Legend of the Red Reaper, one of the films we mentioned in the 69 Must See Flicks from The American Film Market post. If you are a fan of complicated plots involving twin sisters and Chinese vampires, then Scarlet Samurai: Incarnation is made for you! Also if you like women running around with swords kicking lots of butt, then Scarlet Samurai: Incarnation is also made for you! The trailer looks like some good clean bloody fun and there are dudes in rubber monster masks, which is always a sign of a film I will watch. The real reason to watch will be the fantasy action sequences, and hopefully Scarlet Samurai: Incarnation will deliver with some fun fighting.
So let’s check the plot synopsis:
Scarlet Samurai: Incarnation is the second super hero movie from the twisted fantasies of Tara Cardinal. Produced by Hollywood martial artist Sean Wyn and New York horror guru David Williams, it’s a new Asian-inspired horror/action feature..
Five reckless college kids on an urban archaeological expedition uncover a preternatural evil, and discover only a legend can fight a myth..
Almost a century ago, the Buffalo Central Terminal was cursed. Eighty years (and 922 missing persons) later, we find Ikari trying to follow in her (missing) father’s archaeological footsteps. But Ikari–a part Chinese, part Japanese, half Jewish lesbian–has problems. She’s suicidal, her girlfriend dumped her, she’s failing her classes, she’s about to lose her scholarship, her twin sister Feng is a samurai with supernatural abilities, and, on top of it all, she still lives with her Jewish mother (Maria Olsen).
To keep Ikari and his other students from failing, Professor Harrison sends them on a quick “in and out” field expedition to the Terminal. Along for what should be a fast and fun exploration are Ikari’s best friend and gay fashion photographer Michael, goth martial artist Tavy, mild-mannered T.A. Lindsey, and Ikari’s recently estranged ex-girlfriend Becks. But Ikari has other ideas… obsessed with her father’s research and trying desperately, if not comically, to get her blonde, beautiful, and cold ex-girlfriend back, she unknowingly leads the team deeper and deeper into the ominous 17-story building…
…and right into the lair of the Jiang Shi.
Considered by Western Culture to be a myth, the zombie-like Jiang Shi is an undead demon that sucks Chi (the life force) from its victims while torturing, raping, and paralyzing them with its venomous claws. And now it is after them.
Samurai-in-training Feng, psychically linked to her twin sister Ikari, races to the Terminal to save Ikari and her friends from the Jiang Shi and its endless horde of undead minions. To defeat the mythical creature Ikari and Feng will have to join forces to become a legend. Because it takes a Legend to fight a Myth.
Warm up your testicles, because we’re getting a sequel to Joe Dirt! Yes, it’s true, and not just any type of sequel, it’s a sequel that will premier on Crackle! Yes, Crackle. Crackle. Crackle…the web streaming video site? TV shows and movies? That Crackle? Okay, now we are on the same page. Crackle is getting into the independent programming game and released a press sheet detailing their shows, most of which I don’t care about, except for this entry about Joe Dirt: The Sequel:
JOE DIRT: THE SEQUEL
Comedy Feature
The long-awaited sequel to the cult favorite David Spade comedy JOE DIRT will break new ground as the first made for digital movie that is a sequel to a hit motion picture. Spade will also star in the sequel, which will pick-up where the film left off, following the comedic misadventures of the mullet-clad, lovable redneck, “Joe Dirt.” The project will be written and executive produced by Spade and Fred Wolf and directed by Wolf.
2009 Written by Abe Froman
Directed by Demitri Nessun
This is how 50 Shades of Grey begins!
Naked Lust is hardly the sex-o-maniac nypho party the title implies, but is in fact a more sweet story of a woman attempting to reconnect with her first school crush that she was unable to go to the dance with due to life. It’s also a story about a pop princess looking to be inspired so she can write some hit songs, and her lovable goofball manager who would do anything for her. And probably some junk about the media, though most of that hits the back burner. In any even, it’s actually pretty entertaining. And it should be, since Naked Lust was written by Abe Froman. The sausage king of Chicago. This may be a pseudonym… Director Demitri Nessun also helmed Cougar School.
This is what to do when the Naked Lust comes for you!
Naked Lust has a good balance of a story that is interesting (if extended), likable actors, and plenty of scenes that are the reason this plays at late night on Cinemax and not on Lifetime. While relying on a nostalgia-fueled fantasy for a plot point, the film and the main character comes to the realization that the fantasy is just a fantasy, and people move on and evolve. Therefore she embraces her reality and everyone gets a happy ending.
He’s turning into that scene from Innerspace! Also why am I referencing Innerspace?
Cherry Pop (Kaylani Lei) – Cherry Pop is the current most famous pop star ever, but she needs to come out with another song before she’s replaced by the next young thing to come along. She was originally named Carla. Kaylani plays Cherry Pop like a slightly burnt out but still light-hearted Miley Cyrus/Taylor Swift, which fits how she’s written.
Ape (Joe Souza as Matt Dalpiaz) – Cherry Pop’s manager and wannabe lover. Despite having feelings for her, she still needs to sort things out, so he has to support her. He comes off a lot like Steve from Married with Children, which just adds to the sitcom vibe.
Rachel (Leigh Livingston) – Rachel is a local reporter who gets the station in hot water when she broadcasts some live sexing between Cherry Pop and Ape. So she sticks around to document the creation of Cherry Pop’s new album, and ends up getting hired back by her station.
Chad Laroy (Mike Nike) – The record guy who hates all of Cherry Pop’s new songs and threatens to replace her, up to the point of actually replacing her. I guess having hit records isn’t really all that big of a deal any more…
Kitty Kat (Brynn Tyler) – A potential replacement for Cherry Pop being auditioned by Chad. Has zero brains and even less talent. She’s more like Kitty Litter.
The Cowboy (Alan Stafford) – The Cowboy is a famous tv commercial cowboy, but his real name is Ian and he lives with his mom. Is still somehow a big catch, because he’s a cowboy, don’t you know?
Jonah (Steve Crest as Jack Lawrence) – Cherry’s old ex-boyfriend who wanted to be a NASCAR racer. Was to be her prom date but stood her up.
aka Dungeons & Dragons 3 2012 Written by Brian Rudnick
Directed by Gerry Lively
The horrors of Lasik!
Dungeons & Dragons: The Book of Vile Darkness. D&D: The Threequel. D&D: Chipwrecked. Known by many names, Dungeons & Dragons 3 still manages to become a SyFy original and pack in some fun. While there is no comparison to big budgeted blockbusters where characters slice down armies of orcs, for a small adventure things are peachy keen. +2 axe keen.
Where do we stand? Well, it is still a hell of a lot better than Dungeons & Dragons. But Dungeons & Dragons 2 is slightly more charming. That isn’t to say Dungeons & Dragons 3 isn’t good. It’s actually pretty entertaining. I would say it is equally as good as the second one, if only because they switch things up and have us follow around a gang of evil adventurers who aren’t afraid to slaughter innocent people and rob and kill each other. It’s the cool things like this that make you want to watch more films that follow around a bunch of amoral people. And it’s also how some of the funner D&D campaigns go, as your characters just loot, murder, and plunder the countryside while becoming the most powerful and the most wanted people out there.
This dragon is ET!
We see the return of the director and writer of Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God for this new installment, Gerry Lively and Brian Rudnick. Their familiarity with the subject matter and how to make a film that isn’t terrible helped save this franchise from becoming the gigantic joke the original installment made it. The Book of Vile Darkness is an actual book for D&D as well as being an item in the game. The book was controversial upon release, as it was the first D&D book for mature audiences and some claimed it validated the old complaints about Dungeons & Dragons being evil. Others were a bit more rational with their reception.
In the film, each character gets effects and has their own motivations for why they are doing what they are doing. Some have tragic back stories, some are just in search of interesting lives, and some are just giant dicks. Akordia has neat effects where she can teleport her hands to far away to do things, which are put to great use like when she needs to slap Grayson for being an idiot again. It’s fun seeing how such powers would actually be used as opposed to just them being used in random battles. There is some great flavor, and some neat concepts for some of the monsters, particularly the very creepy undead child, and the disturbing evil Lord who has his mouth sewn shut, but still speaks through his chained twin female slaves.
Mrs. Gollum!
Grayson’s quest to save his father and thus save the world forces him into positions that betray the oaths he swore, but they are the only way to do the job of saving the world. Grayson’s choices (and eventual reveal as being way more powerful morally than his father because he compromises on his principles) is an interesting story branch, and makes you wonder how it plays out in a grander scheme. Do Grayson’s choices to kill people and ally with bad men equate with some of the awful things the US does on its War on Terror? Is this like a Jack Bauer situation, in that Grayson truly doesn’t have another alternative? Grayson does do bad things, but they are done to bad people who are planning to do even worse things. In a matter of principles, his hands aren’t as dirty as they might be, but to the values that the Knights he belong to, he doesn’t measure up to the oaths. But that doesn’t matter, as his commitment and character is what activates his magic amulet, something more pure members of the Knights were never able to do. Following the Dungeons & Dragons alignment system, Grayson moves from Lawful Good to Chaotic Good, but he never really steps outside of the good sphere. So it isn’t an abandonment of the Good principle, even if he isn’t the pure Lawful Good he wanted to be.
Grayson Azrael (Jack Derges) – Heroic newly initiated Knight who is the lone survivor of an ambush and must now join with some unseemly scum in order to rescue his father. Finds out the real world is far more complicated than the rules he agreed to as a Knight.
Akordia (Eleanor Gecks) – Witch who is out to have a good time terrorizing the masses for fun and profit. Unexpectedly falls for Grayson despite him being a goody-goody.
Bezz (Barry Aird) – The coolest character proves that evil people rule. Bezz is a vermin lord, literally made of bugs. He has extendable eyes and other weird powers. Gives Grayson a neat warning about a raccoon grabbing an apple from a box that Grayson doesn’t pick up on. Is not opposed to causing massive chaos to alleviate his boredom.
Vimak (Habib Nasib Nader) – Barbarian member of the evil party who is looking for gold to get revenge against the village that slighted him as a wounded child. Doesn’t care that his revenge will impact many people.
Seith (Lex Daniel) – Evil rogue and thief who is totally into the concept of the strong dominating the weak, to the point where he yaks about it constantly. He never shuts up about it. Ends up becoming very weak in the end.
There are never enough kids horror films. Not that society is any less horrible, it’s just that it is more taboo to expose things perfectly designed to star kids in horror situations, but yet perfectly acceptable to bring those same young kids to R rated movies full of murder and more murder. Enter Dark Roar, a take on the kids getting spooked genre where a pair of children encounter a genetically created saber-toothed panther that has a hunger for young kids. As they flee for their lives, we learn more about the corporate conspiracy that created the beast. Dark Roar was funded via Kickstarter, and is proving to be an actual Kickstarter success story as their movie is becoming reality. There are plenty of production pictures on the various Dark Roar sites.
It looks like some good fun, a type of creeping horror we don’t get too much of these days. It’s British origins and Kickstarter model means it will be a far cry from the standard SyFy fare, which would have seen actors from Stargate and a title like PantherTooth. Which isn’t a bad title, I’ll just steal my own idea right now…
