The Super Sex Program

November 17, 2013ByTars Tarkas

The Super Sex Program

aka The Big Bust Theory

2013
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

We lost funding to replace burnt out blinky lights…

Nerds attempt to discover the secret of love in The Super Sex Program (or The Big Bust Theory if you bought the DVD!) Alexandre Boizvert and Eric Masteron play big nerds and completely go 100% stereotypical goofy voices, like this is a lost Revenge of the Nerds chapter or an episode of The Big Bang Theory. But instead of being a bunch of jokes about nerd culture, instead we get what turns out to be a sweet story about finding out what love is, and learning to interact socially without being a loser.

We get the new logo for Synthetic Filmwerx, now abbreviated as SFW. Directed by Fred Ole— Dean McKendrick?!?!?! Yes, duty has been split between McKendrick and Ray with the latest batch of films (McKendrick wrote or cowrote many from years prior) But don’t fret, the same tone and style is still very evident in the latest batch of Bikini movies. If anything, this latest entry kicks things into a new level of story telling while still delivering naked people bumping uglies. Perhaps the tales from MRG’s brand of films are pushing the envelope into more complex storytelling, or perhaps this evolved independently (and until I watch the other films from this batch, I won’t know for sure)

She’s watched too many episodes of Double Divas on Lifetime! We must unscramble her brain.

At one point the characters develop a “love potion” that is supposed to drive women wild with passion. Normally in these films, the characters then use the potion on women and essentially rape them, or at least get the women to do things they wouldn’t normally do if they weren’t thinking straight. Here, the whole thing is thrown on it’s ear, one application doesn’t matter because the woman wants to have sex with the nerd, while the other nerd’s adventure turns out to all be in his mind and the woman rejects him (the potion also doesn’t work.)

Later, they build a woman that they’ve programmed to totally be attracted to them, like this is Weird Science or the Aerosmith video to “Hole in my Soul” Of course, this fails to work either, the robot woman is mysteriously reprogrammed to only like hot chicks. The nerds accept this programming and don’t try to program her back. The schemes of the nerds are orchestrated by their boss Dr. Carmichael, but there is a method to his madness that becomes abundantly clear.

Soon we will know what tiny skulls think about the Kardashians!

The positive and fun film is a nice breath of fresh air, and shows you can tackle some of the relationship issues MRG films cover without being forced to be 100% serious all the time. The lessons mirror those from nerd and geek film, without feeling too much like they’re covering well-tread ground. The various story threads manage to play out not quite the way you expect. And Christine Nguyen in glasses making goofy faces? Points for that alone! Jazy Berlin also throws in a great performance as the robot Alice, turning what would be in many films a forgettable role into a memorable character.

	Stanley (Voodoo as Alexandre Boisvert) – A chemical engineer who can’t understand why his superior intelligence isn’t lining up the women. Obviously there must be something wrong with all the women! Easily susceptible to head trauma.
	Walter (Eric Masterson) – A robotic engineer who needs to believe in himself. Is a lot better at solving other people’s problems than his own.
	Betty (Christine Nguyen) – Coworker at the lab that Stanley doesn’t see as a woman at all, despite her megacrush on him. Spends most of the film making faces at the ridiculous things said by Stanley and Walter.
	Tammy (Mary Carey) – New neighbor to the nerds who ends up becoming Walter’s crush, but will he ever find the confidence to do anything about it except regret?
	Alice (Jazy Berlin) – Robot built by the nerds in order for them to have sex with her, Weird Science-style. Alice is an acronym for Artificial LIfe Construct Experiment. She turns out to only like “hot chicks”
	Chad (Billy Chappell) – Oh. That guy.
	Dr. Carmichael (Michael Gaglio) – The boss of the two nerds (and Betty), who sends them on their love-seeking quest. Is far craftier than he appears.
	Cindy (Beverly Lynne) – Woman Chad picked up at the gym, he can’t remember her name, but that’s not why she’s over at his place…
	Olga (Yurizan Beltran) – Masseuse at Olga’s Massage Parlor. Rejects Walter in his attempt to get her to have sex for money. I have a feeling Olga is not her real name…

Nerds. Will they ever learn?

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills

November 16, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills

2012
Written by Dean McKendrick
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

When will us busty housewives get to bust a move?

While I usually am gung ho for the Fred Olen Ray films, Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills left a sour taste in my mouth. During the film, the main character hypnotizes a female character and essentially rapes her, and causes her to be raped several other times. It’s all played as “magical control” where the woman suddenly becomes super horny and can’t help herself. But it is rape. And that’s not cool, nor does it make Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills a fun film to watch with your significant other.

There is a group of people who enjoy scenes where women are brainwashed or hypnotized or drugged into becoming incredibly horny and thus needing sex right this instant. Some of it undoubtedly spurs from the time-honored tradition of going out, getting drunk, and getting laid. With a little alcohol in their system, inhibitions drop. All of the depictions feature women who are enthusiastic about the sex they are about to do no under their entire free will. There is an undercurrent that all these women would be banging left and right if they could, so these effects just let them do what they want to do. Others seem into it because it is a form of humiliation of the woman, that she somehow deserves to have sex with random guys because she has lots of sex anyways. That points to a deeper problem, and much more disturbing. Now, this is fiction, no one is actually being raped, and fantasies are fine as long as they are fantasies. Some fantasies I can do without seeing depicted in the media I consume.

It’s not the first time this scenario has shown up in a Fred Olen Ray film – Bikini Jones features a scene where she’s essentially drugged, a character in Bikini Pirates is possessed by a ghost and gets it on, Tanya X in The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I. is literally drugged and raped, and the female characters in Housewives From Another World are all taken over by time-traveling aliens and essentially consumed(murdered) by them. All of these scenarios are terrible, and though you can try to argue excuses for some of them, they are what they are. They do make things unenjoyable, and I am at the point where I don’t want to watch them anymore. I was heartened because of something that happens in 2013’s The Super Sex Program that throws these on their ear, so maybe things are changing.

They really shouldn’t have split The Hobbit into 37 different films…

Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills not only has a rapist main character, but almost every character is a bad person. It’s a weird movie where the only somewhat decent character is a hired killer. Most characters are scummy and excuse their bad behavior, while Carmine the killer is honest about being a bad person. That doesn’t save him from suffering the same fate as many of the other characters, frozen in place for an unknown time period. Their ultimate fate unknown, as Dave Nelson and his wife leave to be miserable elsewhere. While Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills seems like it’s making a stand against mindless consumerism, that point is lost beneath the layers of terrible behavior.

	Doug Nelson (Eric Masterson) – Former famous traveling hypnotist turned jaded psychic, who soon inherits a big house in Beverly Hills that turns out to be just as problematic as not having a big house. He’s also big into hypnotizing women to have sex with him.
	Kate Nelson (Kelli McCarty) – Used to be an actress, now he’s jut a washed up pretend psychic working with her washed up pretend psychic husband, dreaming of her glory years and wishing she had piles of cash to blow on useless junk.
	Patricia (Beverly Lynne) – Cranky spoiled housewife of Peter who spends all her time talking down to everyone, especially her new favorite target, Doug. Ends up hypnotized and then teaming up with a hired killer.
	Peter (Ted Newsom) – Tycoon in the oil business, because you can’t have Beverly Hills without oil. Unless it’s 90210, which I don’t think has oil. They did have the Peach Pit, which is like oil. Okay, maybe it’s not like oil, but let’s pretend it is like oil. Pretending is fun!
	George Hemwell (Billy Chappell as Tony Marino) – Oh. That guy.
	Amy Hemwell (Kylee Nash) – George’s wife, who is usually falling out of her dress. Was even going to sleep with Doug until he turned out to be a blackmailer! Probably the most well-rounded of the characters despite being amoral.
	Carmine (Evan Stone) – Killer hired by George to take out Doug Nelson, except he goes to the wrong house and gets involved with Patricia. Despite being a murdered and becoming an unwilling rapist, he’s a pretty decent guy who helps unravel the mess going on.
	Griswald (Michael Gaglio) – Friend of Doug’s late aunt, who is also teaching Doug a lesson. Dough is one of those people who needs like 1000 lessons, so Griswald is going to be busy for a long while…

Worst OKCupid date ever!

InMovie News

Lifetime drowns us all in new Christmas movies, incest

November 15, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Santa has brought us only shame

Lifetime is making sure you are in the holiday spirit, whether you like it or not! They’re throwing a new movie up ever Saturday with Christmas themes, beginning with last Saturday’s A Country Christmas Story (which stars Dolly Parton!) Eventually, you will surrender to the sound of bells being jingled and sleighs rocking, until you’re singing in a chorus in town square, even though your town’s square was bulldozed for a Walmart and only the hobos are singing with you.

Maybe you should move to a better town.

But as Christmas will not be denied, Lifetime is even calling it “It’s a Wonderful Lifetime”, so they’ve beaten us to the pun bus! So plet us find out about Lifetime’s magical films!

“A Country Christmas Story” The film follows a young Appalachian mountain girl (newcomer Desiree Ross, “Park Bench”) as she pursues her dream of becoming a country star against the wishes of her mother (Megyn Price, “Rules of Engagement”). Her journey to the stage at Dollywood with a singing competition hosted by Dolly Parton reunites her with her musician father (McKnight) and uncovers the musical legacy of African Americans in the world of country music. Mary Kay Place (“Big Love”) stars as her grandmother.

It’s true, there are black country singers besides LL Cool J and Hootie! DeFord Bailey, Robert Johnson, Charlie Pride, and countless other blacks who sang and played in country bands and taught white superstars how to play. This film actually sounds pretty interesting if they go into all that history. Did anyone catch it?

“Twelve Trees of Christmas” – Saturday, November 16, at 8.7c
Local librarian Cherie (LINDY BOOTH) is ecstatic to celebrate the holiday season until she learns that a real estate developer, Tony (ROBBIN DUNN), has plans to demolish her library. Cherie rallies her neighbors to help save the library with a Christmas tree decorating contest. Not to be deterred, Tony joins the competition and recruits professional interior designer, Cordelia (MEL B), to help him beat Cherie. Will Cherie’s devotion be enough to save her beloved library?

A film about how libraries are awesome and big developers are jerk, starring a Spice Girl! How could this be a movie and not one of those mystery books with magical cats I read that always star librarians? (I actually do read them!) Nice to see one pop up on tv, mutated into a Christmas film thanks to the injection of a Mr. Potter character.

“Kristin’s Christmas Past” – Saturday, November 23, at 8.7c
Estranged from her family, Kristin (SHIRI APPLEBY) falls asleep alone on Christmas Eve only to wake up and discover it’s Christmas morning 1996 and she has to relive the worst Christmas of her life! But this time, Kristin decides to do things differently to change not only her imperfect past, but also her less- than-perfect future. ‘80s icon and Golden Globe nominee JUDD NELSON returns to the screen alongside Disney starlet DEBBY RYAN and Revolution’s ELIZABETH MITCHELL.

Groundhog Day meets A Christmas Carol? Just imagine how sad your life must be if it has a terrible Christmas Past.

“Dear Secret Santa” – Saturday, November 30, at 8.7c
After breaking up with her boyfriend, Jennifer (TATYANA ALI) moves back to the house she grew up in, bringing back memories of her recently deceased friend Jack (LAMORNE MORRIS). But after receiving a Christmas card from a secret admirer, she is stunned when she discovers the truth. JORDIN SPARKS, BILL COBBS, DELLA REESE and ERNIE HUDSON headline the star-studded cast.

Is the truth her friend isn’t dead? And that he became Santa? Uh, probably spoilers.

“Christmas in the City” – Saturday, December 7, at 8.7c
After closing down her small-town family business, Wendy (ASHLEY WILLIAMS) and her six-year-old daughter Grace move to the big city where an old friend offers her a job in the toy department of Wolmans. But her excitement is short lived when the store’s new consultant, Teanna (ASHANTI), ruins the holiday spirit throughout the store by replacing Santa with a hunky male underwear model. It’s only when Grace begins to lose faith in the holiday that Wendy realizes she must bring the true meaning of Christmas back to Wolmans before it is too late.

Sex in the City, except lust is rejected in favor of jolly fat guys. Excuse me, I mean the Christmas spirit. Or something. Ashanti, why you gotta ruin Christmas???

“Christmas on the Bayou” – Saturday, December 14, at 8.7c
One Tree Hill alums HILARIE BURTON and TYLER HILTON reunite in this charming love story. When successful New York marketing executive Katherine (BURTON) discovers her workaholic ways are taking a toll on her eight-year-old son, Zac, she decides to spend Christmas with him and her mother, Lilly (MARKIE POST) in her home town on the bayou. When Caleb (HILTON) tries to rekindle a childhood romance and convince her to move back home, Katherine is torn between the bright lights of the big city and the quiet, gentler rhythms of her Southern roots. Only a Christmas miracle orchestrated by Papa Noel (ED ASNER) can steer her heart to her true home. Also stars RANDY TRAVIS.

Another film about the evils of the city and a woman having a career while having a child. Luckily, Red State America is there to show her that she can have it all, if what she wants is to live with her mom and not have a career, married to some guy who wasn’t good enough 15 years ago. But I’m sure he’s quite charming. Maybe Papa Noel should stop with the paternalism and worry about actual problems in the world.

“A Snow Globe Christmas” – Saturday, December 14, at 10.9c
A cynical television executive (ALICIA WITT) looks at the perfect world inside a snow globe and rants about how the Christmas movies she produces fall short of real life. Upset, she tries to smash the globe in to pieces, but instead, ends up knocking herself in the head. She wakes up in a perfect snow-covered town, married to her ex, Ted (DONALD FAISON), with two kids. Trying desperately to return to her old life, she slowly realizes the importance of family and begins to find happiness. Also stars CHRISTINA MILIAN and TREVOR DONOVAN.

One thing that always makes me wonder about these fantasy movies where in alternate futures they have kids, is if they return to the real reality, are the kids MURDERED??? Poor kids, you have no soul because you live in a pocket universe that doesn’t exist! Let’s hope these kids don’t get eradicated from existence. But shoutout to Lifetime for an interracial marriage in a movie!

After all that Christmas Cheer, you will be well prepared for the child abuse incest tale Flowers in the Attic, coming to Lifetime January 18th! Merry Christmas!

Based on V.C. Andrews’ controversial book that quickly became a cult classic, the Lifetime Original Movie “Flowers in the Attic” weaves the twisted story of the Dollanganger kids who, after the unexpected death of their father, are convinced by their mother Corrine (Heather Graham) to stay hidden in the attic of their wealthy grandparents’ mansion so she can reclaim the family fortune. But as her visits begin to wane after she becomes involved with a new husband (Dylan Bruce), the children endure unimaginable treatment at the hands of their ruthless grandmother Olivia Foxworth (Ellen Burstyn). As years go by and the eldest children Cathy (Kiernan Shipka) and Christopher (Mason Dye) come of age, both emotionally and physically, their family’s sordid past entraps them further as they look to each other for comfort.

InMovie Reviews

Review: SAVING MR. BANKS

November 14, 2013ByDonald Hallene

“Would you like to learn the secrets of cryogenics?”

It’s hard to imagine a world without Mary Poppins. The film has become such an ingrained part of popular culture that kids know who the flying nanny is even without having seen the film, and they know that just a spoonful of sugar will help the medicine go down. Many people, however, probably don’t know that Mary was dreamt up by Helen Goff, or as she was more famously known, P.L. Travers. The magical nanny appeared in 8 books, telling her tales looking after the Banks family and their subsequent adventures.

Saving Mr. Banks is a film that focuses on the strange relationship between Travers and Mr. Walt Disney who desperately wanted to make a film out of her books. From a script that was included on the 2011 Black List (a list of the best unproduced scripts) the film sets out to examine how the famous film came to be, and more importantly how it almost didn’t happen at all. When his daughters were young, Walt Disney discovered their favorite book was about a British nanny named Mary Poppins, and he declared that he would bring her to life. He then spent 20 years trying to convince Travers to give him the rights. She of course had no desire to sell, and only gave in to his requests to meet when her royalties from the books ran out. The film picks up here, following Travers from England to Los Angeles, as well as dipping into her past as it flashes back to her childhood in Australia.

I am not sure if he looks more like Walt or John Waters.

InMovie News

A sequel to War of the Roses???

November 13, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Welcome to the world of sequels we never needed, The War of the Roses – The Children! It’s true, there was a book followup to the source novel for the 1989 Danny DeVito directed film The War of the Roses, and it was instantly snatched up by movie studios eager to capitalize on the public’s lust for more The War of the Roses!

If you remember, Sean Astin played the role of the son, while someone named Heather Fairfield played the daughter. It is doubtful either will reprise their roles, but you never know.

The War of the Roses – The Children deals with the children of the divorce, and how it affects their lives. If there is one thing that has become common, it is children of divorces. This isn’t even a unique spin on the genre, only one real divorce, and the majority of the children’s trauma is probably from their parents’ deaths, not their divorce. Many people reading this probably come from “broken” homes, it is not unusual. Heck, I had double divorces growing up, and I’m not even close to some of the messed up family life others have.

At least be creative, how about children of a blended marriage that also ended in divorce, with step- and half-siblings all over the mix. Or bring back Sean Astin for Hobbit Divorce Stories!

Yada yada book synopsis copied from Amazon to pump up post length:

“More than 20 years after the publication of The War of the Roses, the divorce story that inspired the famous movie starring Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner, author Warren Adler returns with a biting sequel. Just when it seems the Rose children are headed for self-destruction, hilarious and unpredictable events intervene in Adler’s wicked follow-up.” Pages Magazine

Warren Adler’s The War of The Roses leaped onto the public consciousness and has since remained an essential thread in a wider tapestry of divorce iconography. Now, Adler presents us with the chandelier-shattering legacy of Barbara and Jonathan Rose relived in their children Josh and Evie in a hilarious sequel to the original iconic tale about the perils of marriage, divorce and the destructive power of materialism.

Unlike the legendary Roses, Josh’s marriage to Victoria should have all the qualities of an everlasting union. But when an innocent caper involving missing Milky Ways catapults out of control at their son’s elite private school, the pair find themselves entering into a shattering warfare of a different kind. Armed with the emotional mayhem inherited from their parents, as well as compounded pressures involving a depraved headmaster, clandestine affairs and Victoria’s male-hating mother, The War of the Roses – the Children presents a gripping story of the lengths to which parents will go to protect their children.

Little more than a child herself, Josh’s ever sympathetic and over-stuffed sister Evie lavishes her ‘food-is-love’ obsession on her beloved niece and nephew coping with their own sense of loss. Meanwhile, Michael and Emily, soon-to-be children of divorce, orchestrate their own plan to keep their family together at all costs. Adler, once again, demonstrates his storytelling mastery by revealing the intricate blending of the past with the present, and how time unravels all things seemingly perfect to be darkly and even comically dysfunctional.

And now here is an unrelated image from Rosesx on DeviantArt that showed up via Google Image Search:

InMovie News

Android Cop – Asylum strikes again

November 13, 2013ByTars Tarkas

You knew it was coming, but you wouldn’t believe it! Yes, Android Cop is Asylum’s mockbuster of Robocop, and might be good enough to satisfy everyone who is making angry noises about the new Robocop remake. Or not. Or maybe the remake will be good. It is a mystery that can only be solved by watching both films.

Android Cop will star Michael Jai White as Android Cop, and also feature Charles S. Dutton and Kadeem Hardison! This is an awesome cast list.

In this futuristic, action-packed thriller, a cop and his robotic partner enter the Zone, a forbidden section of the city inhabited by a diseased stricken populace. Together, they discover the real reason everyone is sick, and attempt to stop the illness – with the help of the machine’s powerful technology and weaponry.

This plot has nothing to do with either Robocop plots, which is good.

If all else fails, you will be able to buy this for a dollar…in the Wal-Mart discount DVD bins!

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