Cyborg Cop 2 RiffTrax

Cyborg Cop 2 – New RiffTrax VOD!


RiffTrax is back with a new VOD, the amazing Cyborg Cop 2, a film that features no actual cyborgs but is a sequel to a film you demanded a sequel to! You were drunk, that’s why you don’t remember demanding a sequel to Cyborg Cop. You also borrowed $40 from me, and I could use the money back. ::cough::

But enough about how you owe me a bunch of money due to your terrible drinking problem, let’s talk about Cyborg Cop 2. It’s crazy, the trailer should be enough to sell you, and if you need more, their cool writeup is below. Cyborg Cop 2 is available on RiffTrax.com. It looks cool enough that I might actually make time I don’t have to get caught up with the RiffTrax VODs and check it out.

Cyborg Cop 2 is the special kind of terrible movie that has failed before you’re even done reading the title. That’s right folks, Cyborg Cop 2 does not even manage to contain a single cyborg cop. Technically, the main character, Jack Ryan (before his shadow was recruited) is a DEA agent, so he is actually neither a cyborg nor a cop.

The second thing we should tell you about Cyborg Cop 2 is that multiple characters wear gigantic fanny packs all the time. Like the kind a tourist without any dignity would wear instead of just sporting a sandwich board that says “Please pickpocket me and my idiot family.” The fanny packs are never addressed or commented on. Perhaps they are meant to distract from the fact that there is not a cyborg cop in the movie Cyborg Cop 2.

None of the RiffTrax performers have seen Cyborg Cop 1, nor have any members of the writing staff seen Cyborg Cop 1, yet we were able to follow the plot fairly well. This is not meant to imply that we did not have any questions. We did, namely “So is the cop a cyborg?” and “Seriously, is there a cyborg cop in this thing or not?”

Take David Carradine’s Future Force, remove the robotic remote controlled arm as it is makes the cop too much like a cyborg, and you’ve got Cyborg Cop 2. Strap on your fanny pack and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for low budget action cheese at its finest.

Note: contains some pointless nudity.

Cyborg Cop 2 RiffTrax

The White Haired Witch of Lunar Kingdom

The White Haired Witch of Lunar Kingdom drops a trailer!

The latest version of The Bride with White Hair comes out April 25th, and the trailer has just been released. The White Haired Witch of Lunar Kingdom白发魔女传 – stars Fan Bingbing as Lian Nishang, the woman whose hair turns white when she’s betrayed by a man. Huang Xiaoming is the man Zhuo Yihang. Judging from the scenes, the movie carves its own path and doesn’t follow any of the previous film adaptations. As I’ve not seen a translated version of the original story, I don’t know if it is following that or is wholly unique. The amount of time Lian Nishang has white hair is limited, so just how quickly she goes all white hair revenge I don’t know.

It’s a big budget wuxia flick from Mainland China – which doesn’t have the best track record. Jacob Cheung directs, and he has directed 2006’s A Battle of Wits, which came out at the time China was dropping tons of historical action films every week. It certainly wasn’t the worst of them, so perhaps things will be interesting enough.

The White Haired Witch of Lunar Kingdom

The White Haired Witch of Lunar Kingdom

The Devil Wears Nada

The Devil Wears Nada (Review)

The Devil Wears Nada

The Devil Wears Nada
2009
Written and directed by Jim Wynorski (as Salvadore Ross)

The Devil Wears Nada

They’re checking each other for cavities!


Now this is some Jim Wynorski treasure! The Devil Wears Nada is a fantastic achievement of fun story and sexy content, while still being ridiculous and creative. Wynorski can produce magic if he’s into it, and from the creativity he gives behind and in front of the camera, you can tell he’s having a ball here

The Devil Wears Nada takes its name (obviously) from The Devil Wears Prada, and here we also have an overbearing boss at a fashion magazine lording over her newest assistant. Things go a bit further here, Julia Crimson is far worse of a boss than Miranda Priestley. The humiliation becomes more sexual, though Candy seems to have no problem having sex with her boss or a random male model even under threat of termination. It is revealed that Julia Crimson is blackmailing another character (via more sexual humiliation – incriminating photos) and gets a comeuppance that we never saw in the Glenn Close film. Turning the boss into more of a caricature does make things more fun and removes a bit of moral ambiguity.

The Devil Wears Nada

I work how many hours and all I get is a lamp???


The Devil Wears Nada gives another chance to go over the themes of its inspiration movie, with the overworked assistant at a magazine dealing with a nightmare boss and the promise of future rewards if she just sticks through all the crap she has to go through. Thanks to the job market in the US imploding, the scenario plays out like a lot of the unpaid internships that seems to be more of the rule than exception at magazines. These internships are often just unpaid 60 hour workweek jobs in expensive cities that only the rich can afford to go through, creating an artificial barrier in the magazine industry. These internships have become increasingly controversial and are technically illegal in some areas, but persist. In addition, they are often defended by those that have gone through them as a necessary part of magazine production, creating a self-feeding destructive cycle that causes many in the industry to turn a blind eye to its own failings (as rocking the boat might just cost your your job in a very competitive field!)

The Devil Wears Prada deals with the struggle that professional women tangle with, their careers or their personal lives. The Devil Wears Nada is of the opinion that you can have your cake and eat it too, and the terrible boss is just an obstacle to overcome. Candy’s defeat of Julia Crimson (and subsequent promotion to co-boss along with former assistant Becca Saperstein) is a result of playing by Julia’s own rules, but turning them around, and is accomplished by the various people Julia Crimson has wronged banding together. When Prada was released, it featured a lot of backlash from former employees of Anna Wintour condemning the book as a mean-spirited gotcha, and that author Lauren Weisberger did not appreciate the opportunities the job presented her. This circling the wagons to defend treating employees terribly is not conductive to a good business environment, and makes the defenders look like they need to justify their own abuse (and is mirrored by the aforementioned unpaid internship defenses!) Nada‘s rejects this in favor of a socialistic workers utopia where the workers team up with a money man to eliminate strife and bring peace to the land (and get rewarded!) Not only does this unionization bring strength to the workers, but Julia Crimson is such a threat that people team together regardless of class affiliation to eliminate her as a problem. Nada offers a vision where hard work and creativity are rewarded, and by working together more is accomplished than everyone suffering separately. In this spirit, Nada defeats Prada in the messaging.

But The Devil Wears Nada is not without its own problems. Candy is coerced into sexual relations in order to save her job, and male characters such as the model Michael are willing participants. And as mentioned, Candy and Becca’s eventual winning of the editors-in-chief job is awarded by a male money man, showing that despite all their work, things still resolve because a male decides. If these tradeoffs are enough to keep Nada as a strong and smart women get ahead film, or if they condemn it to an also-ran status is up to the viewer. I feel that Nada sends more postive messages than negative, and this is doubly so considering it is in the softcore genre, a section of film where far too often women are just treated as objects.

The Devil Wears Nada

Colonel Sanders’ French impressionist painter cousin Pierre Sanders!


The cast list for The Devil Wears Nada is abysmal, with many people going uncredited. Luckily powerfred at SoftcoreReviews (NSFW link – http://www.sreviews.com/smf/index.php?topic=4619.0 ) confirmed most of the unlisted actresses (with some help from Jim!) So enjoy the mostly complete credits. Some actresses are unknown, and many characters don’t have spoken names. Wynorski packed The Devil Wears Nada to the gills with hot chicks, almost doubling the average cast size for one of these softcore flicks.

Candy Cane (Christine Nguyen) – The newest assistant for Editor in chief Julia Crimson, and unaware just what she is getting into. Candy deals with Julia’s increasingly demented demands that play havoc on her personal life. Eventually, Candy learns to be cutthroat enough to survive, and to play her own game of dirty.
Julia Crimson (Beverly Lynne) – Editor in chief of Lacy Lady Magazine, everyone calls her the Devil in case you forget where the inspiration comes from. Likes to dominate her employees in all aspects, usually by humiliating them verbally and sexually.
Becca Saperstein (Brandin Rackley) – Julia’s former assistant who brings in Candy Cane to help replace her, so she can finally move on to more advanced jobs. All of Becca’s prior replacements have all quit or been fired. Helps Candy when she can.
Sydney (Jim Wynorski as Franklin Pangborn III) – The world-worn director of most of the photoshoots, has to deal not only with temperamental models but also with Julia Crimson. Somehow still enjoys his job. Is played by an uncredited Jim Wynorski in a brilliant move.
Frankie (Kevin Van Doorslaer) – Candy’s boyfriend, who is angry that she has to work at a job and sometimes can’t get out of things, but somehow keeps making reservations and buying expensive tickets instead of learning to wing it. Is not exactly faithful.
Raoul Dibbens (Chris De Christopher) – Publisher of Lacy Lady Magazine, but he’s only the money man and Julia runs the show. She also has compromising photos of him.
Michael (Frankie Cullen) – Model who is doing a shoot for the magazine and gets roped into Julia’s sex games with Candy. Is not fond of Julia, but goes along with things until Candy bucks the system, the goes along with her.
Binky (himself) – The bird on Sydney’s cane who becomes a major character because that’s how The Devil Wears Nada rolls!
Paula and Veronica (Katy Magnuson and “Jane Doe”) – Paula and Veronica have a battle over a bikini that ends with a lot of nude making out. Because that’s how models roll.
Three Distracted Models (Ahryan Astyn, Bridgette B, and Codi Carmichael) – Three models who cause problems by not showing up on time to photoshoots, because they are lost. Only one of them got a name – Codi Carmichael as Rusty.
Opening Sequence Models (Lexi Marie and Jaymie Langford) – Two models in the opening scene of the movie with all the special effects of Hell that get them all horned up for each other.
The Devil Wears Nada

Don’t read ahead in the script if you don’t want to be spoiled on what the Devil is really wearing!

snickers costume

Snickers and Fandango gift card giveaway contest!

Hey, who wants some free candy and movie money? Well, enter this damn contest then! You can win five (5) Snickers bars and a Fandango gift certificate worth $15. That’s enough to see a movie and enough candy to sneak in that you’ll be bouncing off the walls and probably be asked to leave by security. TarsTarkas.NET is not responsible if you are asked to leave the theater because you are bouncing off of the walls, but please let us know if you are so we can make fun of you all proper like.

This contest is from PartnersHub and Snickers, and is a cross-promotion with the new Godzilla movie, a movie you have perhaps heard about, what with all the posts about it and the Godzilla banner at the top of this site and all. So basically I can give away the stuff because Snickers is giving it out via PartnersHub in return for posting that app at the top of the post. (aka Snickers Brand is paying for this in free prizes for you and I get nothing!)

As the text sent with the email to me says:

Who hasn’t felt like a rampaging menace at least once in their lives? Because let’s face it, You’re Not You When You’re Hungry! Even Godzilla is a regular, cool guy who can hang with his friends, just watch out for that sudden spell of hunger! Check it out in the new Snickers commercial! Only SNICKERS – and its delicious blend of chocolate, peanuts, caramel and nougat – can provide #MONSTERSATISFACTION and tame the savage beast!

To celebrate the release of the new Snickers “You’re Not You When You’re Hungry” commercial, Snickers wants to hear about your most satisfying movie experience. So tweet with the #MONSTERSATISFACTION hashtag about that incredible first date, or the first time you saw your favorite movie of all time on the big screen.

The Rules: Send an email to tarstarkas [at] tarstarkas.net with your name and address, and “SNICKERS” in the subject line so I know it’s an entry and not someone trying to send me more angry hate mail because I insulted their favorite Pokemon in a review I wrote 8 years ago or something. (You know who you are, Bidoof_Fan_97!) Deadline for entries is March 17th at 11:59 pm PST! I’ll pick a winner via random.org/lists/ and let that person and PartnersHub know. Via the fine print, US only, and no PO Boxes please. I do not save the names/addresses or email addresses I collect via this contest. Also as this prize pack might appear on multiple sites you read, you can only win it once, so let me know if I selected you as a winner and you already won it.

Each household is only eligible to win One (1) Snickers Movie Prize Pack containing 5 Snickers Bars and 1 $15 Fandango Gift Card via blog reviews and giveaways. Only one entrant per mailing address per giveaway. If you have won the same prize on another blog, you will not be eligible to win it again. Winner is subject to eligibility verification. The prize will be sent via FedEx or USPS. No P.O. Boxes please.

Good luck and may the biggest Snickers fan win! (And drop me a line when you use the card to go see a flick and let me know how it was!)

piranhaconda

Piranhaconda (Review)

Piranhaconda

piranhaconda
2012
Written by Mike MacLean
Concept by J. Brad Wilke
Directed by Jim Wynorski

This won $20,000 on America’s Funniest Home Videos!

Piranhaconda is like a mix of SyFy meets the softcore bikini film. Elements of both merge together while director Jim Wynorski returns to his favorite stomping ground of Hawaii. Thankfully, we don’t have a rehash of the Curse of the Komodo/Komodo vs Cobra/A.I. Assault script, and instead have something wholly new. While parts of it may not work, overall Piranhaconda isn’t terrible and gives enough death and destruction to knock it into mid-tier SyFy creature feature region.

Piranhaconda comes from the period where SyFy had begun to run low on monsters that exist in nature/mythology and needed to just combine fierce animals together to create new horrors. Sharktopus is the one that started this trend, which has expanded to include animal/natural disaster hybrids.

piranhaconda

This is a preview video only! Get the full movie with Membership Access of Creatures Sliming Babes.com, only $9.95/mo recurring!


Piranhaconda doesn’t waste time trying to come up with a fantastical origin of the creatures, it just throws out a line or two about how the monsters have always been there and just hibernate a lot. They even grab a supernatural name for their creature – Kepolo, a Polynesian river devil. In reality, the origin of the creatures does not matter, what matters is if things are a grand ol’ time while all the monster action is happening.

Let’s get this out of the way right now. Piranhaconda is a gigantic dong that slithers through the grass and attacks its prey, often spewing goo over the chest of female characters. I think we’ve moved a bit beyond subtext here into hilarity. The two Piranhacondas don’t like each other very well, which isn’t surprising considering what they represent, but they’ve also mated and dropped dozens and dozens of eggs. Throw that into the fake film being a slasher film, which have their own phallic symbols going on, and things reveal themselves nicely. So, yeah. Piranhaconda!

piranhaconda

When we put our heads together…it hurts!


Rose (Terri Ivens) – A producer concerned with work and handling the difficult actress on her film. Figures out all the dumb stuff Lovegrove is doing that’s endangering everyone.
Jack (Rib Hillis) – Jack and Rose, huh? I guess their hearts did go on! A stunt guy with the hots for Rose, Jack helps save the day while avoiding dating Kimmy.
Professor Robert Lovegrove (Michael Madsen) – A herpatologist who has spent his life studying the piranhacondas that killed his dad, and has finally proved they exist just in time to set them loose on a killing spree. What a nice guy!
Kimmy Weston (Shandi Finnessey) – Famous b-movie actress, known for the line “Suck lead, you hillbilly buttnugget!” Shandi Finnessey is very convincing on playing the spoiled brat, adding a charm to the role a lesser actress wouldn’t know what to do with.
Pike (Michael Swan) – Leader of the random heavily armed gang who kidnap several of the characters for “ransom”, despite being so weirdly incompetent their game plant makes little sense.
Talia (Rachel Hunter ) – Female member of the random heavily armed gang who sort of has a thing with Pike. Is one of the smarter members, which means she dies quick so everyone else can do dumb things
Piranhacondas (CGI) – A monster who chomps lots of people and pumps out dozens of eggs in between long hibernation cycles. Also goes in long quests for eggnapped eggs. Piranhacondas can even takes down helicopters. The origin of Kepolo, a Polynesian river devil. Like the creatures in Flying Monkeys, a mythological creature from another culture becomes a star in a Western film with a quick name change for how culture in the West would call them. There are hundreds of awesome monsters in cultural myths from around the globe, enough SyFy could make films for decades just on them alone.
piranhaconda

This happens every day on the 101-N