Zombie Tigers

Killer Lampreys, Zombie Cats – Is Animal Planet the future home of SyFy Creature Features?

Lamprey

Animal Planet has deviated from animals in recent years with lame tv shows like Finding Bigfoot (spoiler: they don’t) or ridiculous specials on Mermaids, which had two whole specials about how mermaids just may be real and also Animal Planet has been huffing too much glue. But enough on how stupid the Mermaids: The Body Found and Mermaids: The New Evidence are, and how the US government had to put out a press release saying mermaids aren’t real (This actually happened!), because now Animal Planet is airing original movies.

Most notably, they are airing Asylum’s Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys on Memorial Day, May 25th. Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys stars Shannon Doherty, Christopher Lloyd, and Jason Brooks as lampreys attack a Michigan town like lampreys are known to do.

Brooks and Doherty are Mike and Cat, who have moved to the new town so Mike can help Mayor Akerman (Lloyd) deal with the lampreys. Animal Planet series River Monsters star Jeremy Wade also appears, odds are he’s gonna get chomped to show how serious the situation is.

And that’s not all, there is something called Man-Eating Zombie Cats also airing on Animal Planet –

An incurable zombie-like pathogen is spreading fast, turning big cats around the world into fearless man killers. These mindless predators have a sensational thirst for blood and the human population is now their biggest target.

Basically, it’s The Corpse Grinders, except with tigers. I can’t find any other information about this…film?

And let’s not forget Nature’s Most Wanted, which will be a series where people look for man-eating crocodiles and alligators and things. I’m sure it will be a serious discussion about man’s encroachment upon nature and the lack of sufficient natural space for apex predators, and not a ridiculous farce.

All of the prior films are part of Monster Week, but…

That’s still not all, because Animal Planet has ordered another film called Revenge of the Whale, based on the tale that inspired Moby Dick and starring Martin Sheen!

Sheen will portray Thomas Nickerson, who tells a story about his life as a cabin boy on the ill-fated voyage of the whaling ship The Essex. The movie is a co-production with the BBC and reimagines what happened when the most hunted sea creature finally turned on its killers and fought back.

All of this I prefer to Animal Planet’s current programming, including a fake and animal mistreating show called Call of the Wildman that deserves to get a bunch of fuckos arrested for animal abuse.

So. Yeah. Animal Planet. Your new home for monster movies. After all, SyFy hasn’t aired a film all year (Bermuda Tentacles on April 12th will be their first all year!), so the diaspora must go somewhere. And with Animal Planet’s increasingly stupid programming, it is the perfect fit for killer zombie tigers.

Zombie Tigers

I would watch this film!


Zombie Tigers via PlasticAndPlush

Lamprey image via Wikimedia commons

Kick Ass Girls

Kick Ass Girls (Review)

Kick Ass Girls

aka 爆3俏嬌娃
Kick Ass Girls
2013
Written and directed by Vincci Cheuk/GC Goo-Bi
Kick Ass Girls Chrissie Chau
Chrissie Chau and other hot girls wearing gym outfits and beating the crap out of each other sounds like a winning idea that of course the Hong Kong government handed over a wad of cash. But Kick Ass Girls somehow managed to be a disjointed mess that somehow misses the entire idea of “girl power” in a film about female empowerment (through violence!) Still, it’s not nearly as terrible as Angel Warriors, but it won’t be on anyone’s must see list.

Kick Ass Girls has a female writer/director, which is the reason I bothered to watch it. This is the first full length film directed by Vincci Cheuk/GC Goo Bi (she previously directed a segment in 2001’s Heroes in Love), and she also appears in front of the camera as a goth assistant who secretly works for the evil boss that traps our heroines. Her goth character Amy’s silent stares are a sharp contrast to the three main girls and their bubbly personalities, which are full of energy even when they are arguing with each other (and thus doing overly dramatic sighs!)
Kick Ass Girls
We know none of the girls are going to die thanks to an interview framing device, which immediately destroys all suspense. They even go so far as to jump back to the framing right as the “to the death” fights begin, just to reassure you that the ladies won’t die. The fights in the middle of the film are a series of bouts where we essentially watch our heroines get pummeled by some tough girls. The fights aren’t even that bad, though if you pay attention you can detect how they edited to compensate for the lack of fighting skills among the stars.

One of the deals with Kick Ass Girls is the ladies using their sexuality to get money from men. The gym is set up to lure in paying customers, who then go for “achievements” like there is a video game, eventually earning the right to have fights with the female trainers, and probably do a lot of groping during said fight. Miu does more than just groping to a few of the clients, but her promiscuity isn’t treated as a bad thing, just a useful part of her personality set. In the most WTF part of Kick Ass Girls, Boo somehow still has her purse after they’ve been kidnapped and beaten in their first fight, and it has three complete S&M outfits inside the ladies can use to seduce their guards to escape (though the guard seems enraged instead of seduced, so who knows what is going on!) I can’t come up with a reason why they have the leather outfits (beyond giving an excuse to film the girls in leather outfits) unless 50 Shades of Grey is also popular in Hong Kong.
Kick Ass Girls

Boo (Chrissie Chau Sau-Na) – Boo runs a gym called Kick Ass Girl (note the singular), she took over the gym from her parents, and used to run it with her childhood friend TT (as Kick Ass Girls), until there was a falling out, largely due to TT dating Boo’s ex-boyfriend. Is barely making rent and desperate to bring in more clients, hence she finds inspiration in Miu…
Miu (DaDa Lo Chung-Chi) – Tricked by a gym instructor in both love and into a gym membership, Miu is full of rage. Her picking a fight with Boo leads to a job offer (helped by her flirty personality and loose morals) that’s soon packing in the adoring clients.
TT (Hidy Yu Xiao-Tong) – Shunned by Boo due to her dating Boo’s ex-boyfriend, the friends haven’t spoken in years until Miu throws a birthday party and invites TT over.

Kick Ass Girls

Zone Family’s Critical Moment!Zone Fighter 7

Zone Fighter Episode 07 – Zoonfamirii Kikiippatsu!

Zone Fighter Episode 07 – Zoonfamirii Kikiippatsu!

aka Zone Family’s Critical Moment!
Zone Family’s Critical Moment!Zone Fighter 7
1973
Written by Satoshi Kurumi
Directed by Kengo Furusawa

March of Godzilla 2014

A fancy new back massage technique!

March of Godzilla 2014 kicks off with an entry where there is no Godzilla! Yes, we’ve gone loco, because we’re plugging the holes in the Godzilla collections. Which means I have to take care of all these Zone Figher episodes that I didn’t do the last time I was doing Zone Fighter. Never fear, Godzilla will show up again in some of the upcoming episodes, along with Godzilla films getting reviews and a few other cool things. For now, it’s Zone Fight Power!

For those of you who need a refresher course of who is who in the world of Zone Fighter, stop on by the Zone Fighter Splash Page to get all your questions answered…and then some! Who knew Zone Fighter would be so complicated?

Zone Family’s Critical Moment!Zone Fighter 7

Mecha Big Bird!


Now that you are all caught up, let’s get Zone Fighter Episode 7 Zoonfamirii Kikiippatsu! (Zone Family’s Critical Moment!) started! It is critical (that’s what the title says!) that we begin…

A giant monster called Dragon King is having fun burning a local city and headed to a dam, until Zone Fighter spoils his fun and easily defeats this fire-breathing idiot. Except for the small bit where Zone Fighter manages to get himself buried under a bunch of rocks. That’s pretty rock-headed of ol’ Zone! Zone Fighter guns him down and Baron Garoga is totally mad and smashes his tv! Yes, Dragon King was one of Baron Garoga’s Terror-Beasts, and he’s terrible in his not very goodness. Dragon King breathes fire and has a temper, and that’s about the only notable thing about him!

Baron Garoga already has a new plan, he’s got a duplicate of Hotaru Sakimori all set to do evil stuff! Diabolical!

Zone Family’s Critical Moment!Zone Fighter 7

Take this tea away, it’s not warmed to the proper temperature!

Asian Schoolgirls Asylum

Asylum’s Asian Schoolgirls gets a poster!

Asian Schoolgirls Asylum

We mentioned it when casting first popped up, but Asian School Girls is now far enough along Asylum is releasing media for it. Thus this huge poster! Maybe Asylum will get around to releasing a trailer, what with this coming out in less than two weeks. But who wants to have hype so their film does better, right?

Asian high schoolers Hannah (Sam Aotaki), Vivian (Minnie Scarlet), and May (Catherine Hyein Kim) are kidnapped by a sex slavery ring, but the girls eventually turn the tables on their kidnappers and get revenge. Minnie Scarlet put up some behind the scenes pictures at the not safe for work (NSFW) RebelMayhem – http://rebelmayhem.com/asian-school-girls-behind-the-scenes-of-my-first-movie/

But beyond that, there isn’t much info out there still! Crazy. Asian School Girls drops April 15th!

Minnie Scarlet not safe for work social media:
Twitter (NSFW) – https://twitter.com/MinnieScarlet
Tumblr (NSFW) – http://minniescarlet.tumblr.com
RebelMayhem (NSFW) – http://rebelmayhem.com/author/minnie-scarlet/

Sam Aotaki social media:
Twitter
Tumblr
Instagram
Facebook

Catherine Hyein Kim social media:
Twitter
Instagram

via Asylum

Jesus Dinosaur

Jesus comes to Lifetime in The One

Jesus Dinosaur

Coming soon to Lifetime!


Jesus isn’t just for The History Channel and movie theaters any more, now he’s coming to Lifetime, television for women, because….

uh….

Because ratings!

Darn, I was hoping Jesus would be a woman. Because that would be awesome! Or maybe Jesus is killing all his wives, like every other man on Lifetime. I’m on to you, Jesus! Just as long as you don’t meet Jesus on the internet, you should be safe. For now!

Called The One, this new feature will be from the producers of History Channel’s Hatfields & McCoys miniseries and Gene Simmons: Family Jewels, Leslie Grief. The One will document Jesus’s early life, between ages 13 and 30. If you know about Jesus, you know there isn’t much written about that time in his life. So how much is made up and how much is drawn from apocryphal sources will remain to be seen. The One is written by Frank DeJohn and David Alton Hedges, and claims to “stay true to the spirit of Jesus’ image as chronicled in The Bible.” Whatever that means.

But kudos to Leslie Grief for trying to make a prequel to the story of Jesus. Will Jesus be played by a white guy? Probably. Will I make Matrix jokes when I review The One? Probably. Will I make Jet Li jokes when I review The One? Probably.

via Deadline
image via tumblr

Godzilla

Getty lets you embed images now, so here are all the Godzilla ones!

March of Godzilla 2014

Getty now lets you embed images in your posts online, because that’s easier than threatening to sue everyone who steals their images. It also means I can use their images without fear of retribution, so it’s high time I abuse that privilege! So what I did was run through Getty’s archive and have embedded all the images tagged “Godzilla” that weren’t awful or dumb. Sadly, a few still aren’t embeddable, but we got enough to fill up an entry, so why not? The Getty Archive has millions and millions of photos, dating back 100 years, so there is just so much there to go through.

And if these embeds somehow turn into annoying brower-crashing ads as some point in the far future, I’ll just kill this post, because I can. I have the power. Nintendo Power.

So let’s go!

Godzilla and his girlfriend who wears too much lipstick fight some big bugs!

More below the fold!