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Devil Girl From Mars
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Devil Girl From Mars (Review)

March 3, 2005By


Devil Girl From Mars


1954
Starring
Patricia Laffan as Nyah
Hugh McDermott as Michael Carter
Peter Reynolds as Robert/Albert Simpson
Adrienne Corri as Doris
Joseph Tomelty as Professor Arnold Hennessey

Let’s kick off Mars March with a hot one! This 1954 festival of cheese has an angry woman from Mars, escaped convict, cripple disintegration, and a robot that will make you think your refrigerator has sprouted legs and is making 1950’s B movies. I love that robot. This film is based on a play, and it shows. The set is basically one place (except for a brief drop off in the ship or right outside the inn) and the dialog is pure play. Even if your only exposure to play was being dragged to high school drama plays by your friends, you will recognize the styling, the explanations, the forced reasons for characters to exit the stage so the plot can happen.

Ninja Academy
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Ninja Academy (Review)

March 1, 2005By

Ninja Academy


1990
Starring
Will Egan as Josh
Gerald Okamura as Chiba
Kelly Randall as Gail
Seth Foster as Addleman!!!!!
Jeff Robinson as The Damned Mime
Directed by Nico Mastorakis!

Nico Mastorakis is back, this time with a new horror: Police Academy meets Enter the Ninja. The concept is just as bad as it sounds, in fact it’s even worse, as Nico Mastorakis is at the helm. Our previous encounters with Mr. Mastorakis include Glitch! and .com for Murder, though this is the first film I ever saw of his. This film also has one other aspect that earned Nico my ire for the rest of my days. Seth Foster plays a character named Addleman. As an Addleman, I was at first thrilled to see that there was a character somewhere in a movie with my name and spelled my way for once. That was before I saw the horror that is Seth Foster. Addleman is an overweight, cuss talking, sweaty oaf who backstabs, cheats, murders, and comes off as a second rate Joe Don Baker. Not that this is that inaccurate, but Nico Mastorakis made a fatal error, as I consider this a direct shot at me. This film was the first Mastorakis film I saw, and it laid the groundwork for the skyscraper of hate that has since been constructed against that man, ninety stories tall and climbing.


Dinosaurus
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Dinosaurus! (Review)

February 26, 2005By

Dinosaurus!


1960
Starring
Ward Ramsey as Bart Thompson
Kristina Hanson as Betty Piper
Alan Roberts as Julio
Fred Engelberg as Mike Hacker

This relict from the 1950’s type of cinema bursts into the swinging sixties trying the same formula that had worked for 15 years. Unfortunately for them it fails to work. At all. Ward Ramsey is a third rate Peter Graves wanna be. In fact, according to rumor this was supposed to be a Steve McQueen role. Yeah, sure. Bullitt vs. Dinosaurs, that would be entertaining, but the director here couldn’t pull off a paint by numbers picture. Neither could the special effects department, the effects are particularly bad on this film considering the age. If you aren’t Ray Harryhausen don’t even try to pretend you can do his skills. The film tries to cover the cheap effect with terrible comic relief insulting the only interesting character (the caveman) and factors in an annoying island kid, a lazy black guy, a drunk Irishman, a woman who faints underwater, and The White Man saving the day thanks to White Man technology. Yeesh. I will repeat that the kid was annoying as he is terrible. Imagine any of the Kens from the Gamera movies, make him Mexican and named Julio, and you get this kid.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

.com for Murder (Review)

February 17, 2005By

.com for Murder


2002
Starring
Nastassja Kinski as Sondra Brummel
Nicolette Sheridan as Misty Brummel
Roger Daltrey as Ben
Huey Lewis as Matheson
Jeffery Dean as Werther
Directed by Nico Mastorakis!


After ten years of being banished to Greece directing TV shows that will thankfully only be seen by Greeks, Nico Mastorakis returns to bring us more horror. Not that this horror is scary in the way intended, but horror as we thought he was gone forever, but now we know we can never be free of Nico Mastorakis. The genius that brought you Glitch! and Ninja Academy returns from a long absence sans Will Egan, but now with someone even more disturbing, Jeffery Dean. Funny-but-sad disturbing? Nope, replace that with creepy stalkish emoish forgot-to-take-his-pills disturbing.


Combat Academy
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Combat Academy (Review)

February 13, 2005By

Combat Academy

aka Combat High

1986
Starring
Keith Gordon as Max Mendelsson
Wally Ward as Perry Barnett
George Clooney as Biff Woods

A made for TV movie from 1986 styled after Police Academy, except they forgot the funny. And the Guy who makes noises. Gotta have Michael Winslow. They try to make up for it with lots of guest stars from TV shows at the time. This movie has only seen the light of day on DVD due to George Clooney’s early performance. George Clooney’s past is our misfortune. Read on, you apes, you wanna live forever?

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Kilink Istanbul’da

February 10, 2005By

Kilink Istanbul’da

aka Kilink in Istanbul

1967
Starring (best guesses here)
Yildirim Gencer as Kilink (Killing)
Irfan Atasoy as Shazem
Muzaffer Tema as Prof. Cemil (Professor Lucy)
Mine Soley as Bespectacled Blonde Babe Assistant
??? as Turkish Grandpa Al Lewis
Directed by Yilmaz Atadeniz


Looks like an old serial chopped up and combined in movie form. It doesn’t even have an ending! There was supposed to be a whole series of these starring Kilink or Killing. In this one he’s evil, but he’s more of an anti-hero. Maybe I can track one of the others down sometime soon. This one itself took me three years trekking in uncharted Asian rain forests searching for a lost Temple of the Hubatonga tribe, only to have my guide Hadji betray me and sell me for a couple of magic beans to a cannibal witch, from who I stole this video during my escape. (Ebay, $8)

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