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Godzilla vs the Sea Monster
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster (Review)

March 1, 2006By

Godzilla Versus the Sea Monster

aka Gojira, Ebirah, Mosura: Nankai no daiketto aka Ebirah, Terror of the Deep

1966

Starring
Akira Takarada as Yoshimura (Robber)
Kumi Mizuno as Daiyo
Hideo Sunazuka as Nita (Flattop)
Toru Watanabe as Ryota Kane
Chotaro Togin as Ichino
Toru Ibuki as Yata Kane
Akihiko Hirata as Captain Yamoto
Jun Tazaki as Red Bamboo Commander
Pair Bambi as The Mothra Twin Fairies

Godzilla returns again (Godzilla is always returning….) to fight the greatest threat the world has ever known, giant shrimp! The King of the Monsters versus the King of the Krill in a battle royale! Still, I can pump it up all I want to, but it doesn’t make Ebirah any more exciting a villain, for he is stuck in lame-mode. Instead, we’ll go for broke, and say Godzilla is a prophet, fighting something that decades later America herself would be fighting: A international terrorist organization. The real villains of the film is Red Bamboo, the terrorist organization that took root on the island that Godzilla just happened to be hanging out in. The American dub doesn’t bother to call them Red Bamboo, but the American dub has a lot of other problems. In addition to Godzilla and King Shrimp, we have Mothra making a cameo appearance. Cameo is the right word, as the Mothra suit looks like it would disintegrate into dust had it been used for one second longer in the film. A fourth monster shows up, a giant bird known as DaiKondoru (though I’ve only seen it listed as Okondoru, so that’s what we’ll call him) who is even lamer than Ebirah. There are some well-known G-Movie actors along for the ride, who we’ll get to when they show up in the film.

This movie is different from many of the other Godzilla movies, as Godzilla acts a little different. Mainly because this film was written for King Kong, but some rights disagreements scuttled that idea, and a few minor changes (aka substituting “Gojira!” for “Kong!” in the dialogue) made this the newest Godzilla film. This probably explains why Ebirah is so lowly powered, had he been able to shoot laser beams or heat waves or something, Kong would have had a tougher time. It’s also why Godzilla gets the hots for the lovely Kumi Mizuno, despite being a lizard. Godzilla’s sleeping in a cave is another artifact from the older script, but Godzilla shows his love for sleeping in Son of Godzilla, so it could happen. The version MST3Ked was from Film Ventures, which used shots from Son of Godzilla in it’s opening titles, but the most common versions here don’t have the Film Ventures credits. It still has all the bad, all the good, and all the lobster. Sit back, relax, and get ready to fight…the Sea Monster!

Cerberus
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Cerberus (Review)

February 20, 2006By

Cerberus


2005
Starring
Greg Evigan as Marcus Cutter
Garret Sato as Kul Jae Sung
Sebastian Spence as Jake Adams
Emmanuelle Vaugier as Dr. Samantha Gaines
Gelu Nitu as Radu
Directed by John Terlesky

Sci-Fi Channel is the never ending fountain of original films where a monster runs around and terrorizes people until it’s done away with by the few remaining main characters left, barring a “shock ending” that happens around a third of the time. So many creatures have stomped, crashed, slithered, and slimed their way across Sci-Fi’s airwaves, that they are starting to run low on things to make run around. They’ve already made pretty much every snake possible attack at some point, sharks attack more often on one hour of Sci-Fi channel than in a year of real life, dinosaurs run around like Jurassic Park opened on everyone’s street corner, and now it’s time to run into mythology. First there was Manticore, and now Cerberus. Cerberus comes directly to us from Cinetel Films, who is bringing us such future winners as Komodo vs. King Cobra and Caved In: Prehistoric Terror, Directed by the wonderful John Terlesky, whose upcoming film Alien Fire, where aliens emerge from the sun and attack earth, must surely be a future classic, especially with Robert Beltran, Sandrine Holt, and Nicholas Brendon in the cast. Beltrane was last fighting Manticores, Sandrine Bugs, and Brendon nothing that showed up here (get cracking, Brendon!) Enough about the future of this motley crew, it’s time for the present, and that present is Cerberus, a three-headed dog who was the guardian of Hades, and now should just be put to sleep. I’m dog-gone tired of unimaginative films in this genre where they take a halfway decent idea then skimp out on the gore. (Yes, expect many more lame dog puns!) Cerberus attacks people=good idea. Some guy running around with a magic sword, and Cerberus wanders in every once in a while to kill a random person or two, but less than the main villain! It’s lame! Make with the Monster Death! Not shooting, or swording, but dog-chomping! Cerberus should have made kibbles out of the entire cast! Hopefully, those future projects can bring us what we crave, high death counts from monsters eating people! (Well, Caved In won’t…)


InMovie Reviews, Ugly

House of the Dead 2 (Review)

February 4, 2006By

House of the Dead 2

aka House of the Dead 2: Dead Aim

2006
Starring
Emmanuelle Vaugier as Alex “Nightingale”
Ed Quinn as Ellis
Sticky Fingaz as Dalton
Victoria Pratt as Henson
James Parks as Bart
Dan Southworth as Nakagawa
Nadine Velazquez as Rodriguez
Sid Haig as Professor Curien
Directed by Michael Hurst

Dr. Uwe Boll shocked the world with his adaptation of Sega Games House of the Dead. Shocked as in people were shocked at how inept and mishandled a movie could be in this day and age. Despite being a bigger box office bomb than Hiroshima, House of the Dead made money, mostly through advanced DVD sales and television rights selling, combined with a German tax loophole that Boll is an expert in exploiting. Following the rules of Hollywood, if a movie even makes 1/2 a cent of profit, a sequel is instantly approved. Thus, we now are graced with House of the Dead 2. 95% of sequels are worse than their predecessors, but this is one of the rare 5% that is actually better than the film it’s related to. Does that make HOTD2 a good movie? Far from it, but it’s much more fun, and put together better. It’s still full of plot holes so large the planet earth could glide through with zero difficulty, and acting that’s outshone by posters on the wall. Dr. Boll was busy filming BloodRayne, so he was unable to make Cinematic Abortion 2: Abortion Boogaloo, so instead we get former kickboxing champion Michael Hurst. Michael Hurst may be familiar to you as the cowriter of Mansquito and Nature Unleashed: Fire, so he is versatile in the realm of schlock and crap. The two main stars are Ed Quinn from Starship Troopers 2, and Emmanuelle Vaugier, fresh off her starring role in Cerberus. Bonus stars who are actually much more famous than the leads include Sticky Fingaz as the leader of the Special forces group, who will become Blade in the TV series based on the movies. We also get Sid Haig, from House of 1000 Corpses, who must be trying to corner the market on House of…. movies, when he’s not starring with Pam Grier. There’s also a Power Ranger running around somewhere. Sure, it’s a dangerous film, fraught with the horrors of bad cinema, but it outshines it’s predecessor in several way. Is there any video game scenes as cuts? Is there 360 degree Matrix-style shots of every character? Is the small improvements enough to prevent damage to the minds of those who see this? Read on, read on…

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Vampire Vixens (Review)

January 25, 2006By

Vampire Vixens


2003
Starring
Mia Copia (Tina Krause) as Dracoola
AJ Khan as Diane Shelton
John Fedele as Wally Van Helsing
Misty Mundae as A Lesbian
Elizabeth Hitchcock
Zack Snygg as Eugene
Directed by John Bacchus

Seduction Cinema pumps out film after film each year, all with the same formula: A loosely defined plot that spoofs a popular film happens haphazardly around half a dozen or so lesbian sex scenes that average seven minutes or so. This film….follows that formula. The second entry into their filmography on our site (That 70’s Girl was the first) complete with the important details: Misty Mundae and AJ Khan. Mainly, Misty Mundae for the name draw, but AJ Khan pulls in the fans of the minor characters like myself. John Bacchus continues his streak of Seduction Cinema films with what is a follow-up to the 1998 film Vampire Seduction. Or so the intro tells us, I’ve never seen the original. Because the film has a plot so simplistic it was probably suggested by a local kindergartener, the film needs all the padding it can get, and if some of that padding is in the bras that quickly drop to the floor off of the supporting cast, so much the better. The two male characters seem to be competing for the title of Nerdiest Nerd, and both would be declared winners. It’s fun in a goofy way to watch them overact so much they travel back in time. Trust me, that comment makes sense when you’ve seen the film. The title villainess is Dracoola, who was from the previous film. She must also exist in plural form, because the movie promises “Vampire Vixens” yet Dracoola is the only Vampire. There are plenty of other vixens, so it is conceivable that one or two of them just happen to be vampires as well, but the subject is never brought up. Therefore, the movie does not deliver on it’s title promise. When I see Transformers, I see Transformers; when I see Crash, I see some crashes (both versions); when I see Robocop, I see someone who is part man, part machine, all cop. Don’t tempt me with false promises.

Dragon Fighter
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Dragon Fighter (Review)

January 21, 2006By

Dragon Fighter


2003
Starring
Dean Cain as Captain David Carver
Kristine Byers as Dr. Meredith Winter
Robert Zachar as Dr. Ian Drackovich
Marcus Aurelius as Dr. Greg Travis
Robert DiTillio as Kevin Korisch

Dragons in Space seem too ridiculous for you? How about…Dragons Underground? Sci-Fi Channel answers the question that has plagued mankind for ages: What would happen if a dragon was trapped in an underground compound? This is no ordinary dragon, but it’s a science fiction movie staple dragon, which is a big bunch of CGI. What can stop this CGI terror? A bunch of LOTR rip-offs? Christian Bale? Superman? Hey, Superman is right! Dean Cain is on the case, and he is all that stands between Dragon domination of the underground and Homo sapiens superiority. Dean Cain is the Kryptonite to dragons, who demand that the son of Jor-El kneel before them. Will Superman emerge triumphant? Will dragons have their day? Will this movie rip off large sections of Alien and Aliens like every other low-budget sci-fi flick? Read on, gentle readers, and make sure you’re wearing some flame-retardant clothes for when the dragons strike.


Bloodrayne
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Bloodrayne (Review)

January 15, 2006By

Bloodrayne


2005
Starring
Kristanna Loken as Rayne
Michelle Rodriguez as Katarin
Ben Kingsley as Kagan
Michael Madsen as Vladimir
Matt Davis as Sebastian
Billy Zane as Elrich
Meat Loaf as Leonid
Directed by Uwe Boll

Uwe Boll is back! Dr. Boll returns with yet another lame video game to lamer movie adaptation! Miles away from House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne shows us how Dr. Boll has grown as a filmmaker. Like an inoperable brain tumor. Bloodrayne reaches new heights of lowness. That may not make sense, but it makes more sense than the movie. Bloodrayne the game is about a half-vampire girl named Rayne who kills Nazis, and the famous for losing money sequel involve her fighting her father Kagan in the year 2000 or so. Rayne is also pale white, and was in Playboy for some God forsaken reason. The German Uwe Boll apparently was not too keen on having Rayne kill a bunch of Germans, even though they were zombies, so he just rewrote everything and made it take place in the 1700s in Romania. Dr. Boll is to cinema what the desert is to a thirsty mouth. Defying all logic, Dr. Boll managed to score a plethora of big named stars, and will have even bigger names in his future projects. A juggernaut of suck, watch out you don’t get ran down.

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