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The Smurfs

The Smurfs


2011
Directed by Raja Gosnell
The Smurfs
As someone who grew up with The Smurfs on tv and in comic books, I can say that I enjoyed them very much. I fondly remember watching the smurf cartoons over the years, and reading the various comics (favorite one – Astronaut Smurf, where all the other smurfs became Swoofs and it was a big wish fulfillment fantasy to help some random Smurf.) So like most young adults, I looked at the upcoming live-action Smurfs movie with trepidation – would yet another thing from my youth be turned into an embarrassment? Maybe even make me feel blue? (Sorry, was forced by law to add that joke!)

Thanks to the fact I’m awesome as smurf, the wife and I got to go to a free advanced screening of The Smurfs in 3D! But I’m not going to let a little thing like free tickets turn my review to a positive, any positive remarks are earned by the film the hard way: entertaining me. So sit back and enjoy TarsTarkas.NET’s first foray into reviewing a mainstream film that isn’t even out yet! Next up: Reviewing a film that doesn’t even exist yet (It Stinks!)
The Smurfs
The Smurfs first appeared in Johan and Peewit stories from the Belgian cartoonist Peyo (Pierre Culliford) in 1959, and they proved popular enough they were headlining their own stories and soon an industry. Smurfs are called Schtroumpfs in their native Belgium, so keep that in mind. The Smurfs are usually hunted by their main adversaries Gargamel and Azrael, Gargamel is a wizard who is after them for reasons that don’t remain consistent (originally it was to create the philosopher’s stone from them, then it became to eat them, then to turn them to gold, and then just pure revenge for the years of failure.)

The best parts of The Smurfs are when there are a whole pack of Smurfs. The opening sequence (also one of the few instances where the 3D is worth it) is awesome enough you want a whole movie set in the magical Smurf village and ancient kingdom. The village feels alive and like you could easily stmble across it in the woods one day and have magical adventures with your new three-apple-high blue friends. But soon enough we are sucked to modern New York City with only six Smurfs keeping us company.
The Smurfs

Like the Masters of the Universe film, Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time, and Aliens vs. Predators, budget restraints forces the film to bring the action to modern day USA. This concept has happened enough it’s been lampooned (in Disney’s great Enchanted), but it also disappoints those expecting a sweeping story set in the world of the Smurfs. And though Smurfs is a kids movie, there will be plenty of adults in the audience bringing those kids, many who grew up watching those same Smurfs Tra-la-la-la-la-la they’re way across their tv screens. Raja Gosnell has experience bringing cartoons to the silver screen, having directed the first two Scooby-Doo films (along with Beverly Hills Chihuahua!)

The main focus of The Smurfs is a bit muddled. Besides the Fish Out of Water story, he script tries to graft a Hero Arc into the film (with Clumsy), but it’s also competing with a Coming of Age Story, Proving Yourself to your Jerk Boss, and Realizing You Should Spend Time With Family and Not Work stories. So it’s sort of all over the place.
The Smurfs

Despite the mish-mash, the film isn’t a total loss, and I ended up liking it. Neil Patrick Harris is still charming despite some of his character’s bad writing, and Gargamel and Azrael help save large stretches of the film with both scenery chewing and cartoon antics (this is a cartoon-turned live-action film, after all!) The kids in the audience were paying enough attention at the end that they were really invested in the final battle.

Papa Smurf (Jonathan Winters) – The 500 year old patriarch of the Smurfs, Papa Smurf watches over his children like the kindly old father everyone wishes they had. Papa Smurf also channels Roger Murtaugh, as he keeps saying he’s too old for this (neither time do they add “smurf” to the end, which makes the repetition of the line more annoying.) Jonathan Winters is perfect for this role, the voice is exactly what you expect Papa Smurf to sound like.
Clumsy Smurf (Anton Yelchin) – Clumsy Smurf is the ultimate kltz, but one day he will be a hero! Probably during this movie. Anton Yelchin is a nice choice for Clumsy, because of the character’s story arc you needed someone with a voice not recognizable. And it just so happens Anton Yelchin was in a bunch of movies recently…
Smurfette (Katy Perry) – Smurfette’s origin as a creation of Gargamel is kept in this film version much to my delight, and she is haunted by her origin even to this day. Besides the singular line “I kissed a smurf and I liked it”, Katy Perry probably could have been replaced by your mom and it wouldn’t have mattered despite the character’s large role in the film, as she brings nothing.
Brainy Smurf (Fred Armisen) – Brainy Smurf is the annoying know-it-all who is constantly smacked around by his brethren for being so annoying. And he still is, but he also does something actually brainy in the film.
Gutsy Smurf (Alan Cumming) – I guess because some of the writers worked on Shrek 2, they just needed to have a random Scottish smurf for no reason. Thus, we get Gutsy Smurf, who is basically Hefty Smurf in a kilt. And as Hefty Smurf is in the smurfing film, Gutsy seems even more pointless. Kids love jokes about haggis, I guess.
Grouchy Smurf (George Lopez) – Grouchy becomes slightly more than a character who just says “I hate [whatever you are talking about]”, but is still the least used of the main character smurfs. Loves green M&Ms
Gargamel (Hank Azaria) – Gargamel is the evil wizard after the smurfs, and Hank Azaria plays him to a T. He’s a cartoon character brought to life, and he’s awesome. Gargamel and Azrael save large sections of the film from complete boredom, and do it in style.
Azrael (Mr. Krinkle and Frank Welker) – Azrael is Gargamel’s cat and constant companion. Played by a real cat with plenty of CG enhancements, Azrael is one cool cat.
Patrick and Grace Winslow (Neil Patrick Harris and Jayma Mays) – The Winslows are the typical American family that the Smurfs end up crashing with as they deal with this strange new world. She’s got a bun in the oven, and he’s focus on work and full of worry.

The Smurfs

I Love Hong Kong

I Love Hong Kong

aka Ngo oi Heung Gong: Hoi sum man seoi aka 我愛香港

2011
Directed by Chung Shu-Kai and Eric Tsang Chi-Wai
I Love Hong Kong
I Love Hong Kong is another Shaw/TVB backed Lunar New Year comedy coming on the heals of 2010’s 72 Tenants of Prosperity. It is also deeply tied to Hong Kong nostalgia, and growing up in Hong Kong. Thus, a lot of the charm of the film does not translate well to overseas markets. And while parts of the film are funny and interesting, it feels like you are at your roommate’s family reunion. This isn’t to say that I Love Hong Kong is a bad film, but if you didn’t spend time living in Hong Kong, it is probably impossible to fully appreciate it. And I say that as someone who’s never lived in Hong Kong.
I Love Hong Kong
During the Lunar New Year in Hong Kong, it has become tradition for the studios to release comedy films. And that tradition dates back to 1937’s Bloom and Prosper, a film that doesn’t exist any more. Lunar New Year’s films generally have huge casts bursting to the brims with everyone famous they can cram in, wacky plots, romance, and lampooning cultural targets. And while the modern age may have lessened the impact of the box office, the tradition is alive and well. Besides starring a whole host of people, I Love Hong Kong has two directors, three script writers (Chung Shu-Kai, Heiward Mak Hei-Yan, Wong Yeung-Tat), and is based on an original story by 8 people (Eric Tsang, Chung Shu Kai, Heiward Mak, Wong Yeung Tat, Manho Mok, Chan Cheuk Wah, Ming Wong, and Louis Ng)! That’s almost as many people as who write the average terrible Hollywood blockbuster. Some of the cameos include Tenky Tin Kai-Man, Michelle Lo Mik-Suet, and even Maggie Cheung!

The theme song repeats the “I Love Hong Kong” phrase a lot, and by the end of the song you are reassured that everyone on the planet loves Hong Kong. So get with the program! There are several other songs in the films, usually during flashback sequences, and they are classic songs well enough known that my wife was singing along.
I Love Hong Kong

Ng Shun (Tony Leung Ka-Fai) – The former owner of a toy factory out of work when the factory is forced to close. Moves his whole family (illegally) into his father’s apartment, where he grew up, and reconnects with the residents he left behind. played by Bosco Wong in flashbacks.
Shun So (Sandra Ng Kwun-Yu) – Forced to take an old job at a beautician’s office, but is treated like crap by her former coworker and friend. In another hilarious scene, she acts as a stunt double for a tv series. Her youngest daughter is Ng King (Chan Wing Lam). Sandra Ng is also in Mr. and Mrs. Incredible, The Eight Hilarious Gods, and Beauty on Duty.
Ng Tung (Stanley Fung Sui-Fan) – Shun’s dad and grandfather to the three kids. Lives in the Hong Kong apartment complex all his life, and now has to deal with his grown son returning with his whole family. Is fully integrated in the complex and never wants to leave. Also his birthday is July 14th, and that’s the day I finished writing this review. Coincidence?? I think not!!!! Stanley Fung has been in over 100 films, so odds are you’ve seen him in something.
Ng Ming (Aarif Lee Chi-Ting) – The son of the Ng family. Is FEHD (Food and Environmental Hygiene Department), but his job is going after street vendors, which is bad because where he just moved into is filled with the people he’ll be busting! Aarif Lee is one of the new Hong Kong heartthrob guys you will probably hear a lot of soon. They even reference one of his earlier roles as Bruce Lee in this film.
Ng Chee (Mag Lam Yan-Tung) – The Ng’s older daughter, who works as a promotions model while going to college. Is shy and not wanting to bare her body like the famous E Cup Baby. Mag Lam won the reality show The Voice 2 and was quickly snatched up to a four year deal by EEG. This is her first film.
Tok Shui Lung (Eric Tsang Chi-Wai) – After some rough goings when he first comes back, Tok Shui Ling and Ng Shun return to being best of buds. Tok knows a lot about everything and is good at getting Shun to go along with his schemes to get into trouble. But there is more to Tok Shui Lung than we, and Ng Shun, know. Tok is played by Wong Cho-lam in flashbacks, where we watch as his girlfriend becomes Miss Hong Kong and dumps him. Eric Tsang is also on TarsTarkas.NET in Kung Fu Cyborg and Task Force.

I Love Hong Kong

All’s Well Ends Well 2011 (Review)

All’s Well Ends Well 2011

aka 最強囍事 aka Ji keung hei si 2011

2011
Directed by Chan Hing-Kar and Janet Chun Siu-Jan
Written by Chan Hing-Kar, Ho Miu-Kei, and Fung Ching-Ching

All’s Well Ends Well 2011 follows in the footprints of it’s four predecessors in presenting a series of couples who spend the majority of the film bickering about the nature of love and then end up all marrying or getting together at the end. The previous film a year prior reset the action to ancient China, but we’re back to modern day and with an almost entirely new cast, save Louis Koo and a few brief cameos (AngelaBaby, Ronald Cheng Chung-Kei, Stephy Tang Lai-Yan, and a billion others!) The story is a mix of several stereotypical lovers stories, with a healthy mix of fantasy scenes and goofy side characters to keep things going until everyone gets married.

Sammy (Louis Koo Tin-Lok) – Sammy is a famous makeup artist who obsesses over women, despite putting on an air of homosexuality. But all shells must crack, and Sammy meets his match in his personal assistant, Claire. Louis Koo continues to be in every movie ever made in Hong Kong. See him here in Mr. and Mrs. Incredible.
Claire (Cecilia Cheung Pak-Chi) – Sammy’s personal assistant at the cosmetic company. She takes her job serious and doesn’t waste time chasing after money. Sammy defends her through all the crap she takes from other people, causing her to have feelings for him instead of the billionaire chasing after her. This is Cecilia’s big return to the screen after the Edison Chen photo scandal and taking a break to have some children. Between the time I watched this film and the time the review was published, Cecilia and her husband Nicholas Tse became embroiled in a huge divorce drama. Cecilia is also here in The Promise and My Kung Fu Sweetheart.
Clerk Chan (Raymond Wong Pak-Ming) – Clerk Chan is a billionaire businessman too busy to spend time with his girlfriend, so he gives her a cosmetics company to keep her busy until he has time to marry her. This backfires when Dream begins to spend all her time making the company work. Raymond Wong has been in all of the All’s Well, Ends Well films.
Dream (Yan Ni) – Clerk’s girlfriend who he puts in charge of a cosmetics company to keep her busy while he does business deals. Dream takes the job serious and becomes very involved in her company. Clerk must work to keep her heart.
Arnold Cheng (Donnie Yen Ji-Dan) – A cosmetics salesman and friendly rival to Sammy, who recruits him to his new company. Arnold is also friends with Mona. Donnie Yen co-directed Protege de la Rose Noire
Mona (Carina Lau Ka-Ling) – a writer who gets invested in her books and is friends with Arnold. Carina Lau was also in Detective Dee

Horny House of Horror

Horny House of Horror (Review)

Horny House of Horror

aka Fasshon heru aka Fashion Hell

2010
Directed and written by Jun Tsugita

How many different ways are there to film girls chomping off a guy’s johnson while keeping thing interesting? Well, Horny House of Horror has an answer to that, and the answer is “not enough.” As we’ve seen time and time again the past few years, Japan has become a great exporter of films that fit a genre of ridiculous gore – The Machine Girl, RoboGeisha, Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl, Mutant Girls Squad, Gothic & Lolita Psycho – are all examples that TarsTarkas.NET has taken the time to view. And I admit that I think some of those films are rather good, in a WTF fashion, and I’m even shocked that the genre has lasted as long as it has without getting on my nerves. But when you get enough of something, parts of it will be crappy, and with Horny House of Horror is that part.

Up until the last third of the movie, the majority of the blood on display is arterial spray gushing out of the crotches of three unfortunate men. The rest is talking. And talking. And anticipating. At this point in the genre’s life, it is too late to try to do a slow buildup to the crazy, we’ve gotten to the point where we need a constant stream of crazy violence, much like the sprays of blood desired.

With a pedigree including writer/director Jun Tsugita (Mutant Girls Squad), and gore effects by Yoshihiro Nishimura (Tokyo Gore Police, Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl, and many more), this seemed like it would be a treat. Even some of the familiar cast members from Sushi Typhoon films pop up. But things just don’t go together right. And though the film gets around the banishment of full frontal nudity in Japan by using black circles over the severed and non-severed dongs, the limited freedom isn’t incorporated in a way that takes full advantage of the effect. It’s simply an afterthought, not part of the film itself. Though a small point, it is indicative of how much of the film doesn’t go together well.

The opening 16mm slideshow strip of a guy going to a sex massage club on the way home from work was rather nice – it is probably my favrite part of the film as a whole, and made me expect that things would be good throughout. But shadows of the strip remind me of my reading of Tokyo Vice by Jake Adelstein, which will sour you on the sex industry in Japan like nothing else will. We jump into our first victim, whose gets is wang rolled into a sushi roll that is promptly chomped by his working girl as he screams helplessly and blood reddens the world.

So let’s meet the cast!

Nagisa (Saori Hara) – This sushi-loving masseuse is the newest filly in the herd. She’s also the most reluctant. Saori Hara is an AV star who also does a good deal of softcore flicks. Oddly enough, she’s also in Deep Sea Monster Reigo, as well as 3-D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy. Back when she was Mai Nanami, I commented that she hadn’t done much of anything. Now she’s done much of everyone!
Nonoko (Asami Sugiura) – The most experienced working girl and the most jaded. Truly enjoys her job, even if it is apparent she hates herself and everyone else. Lesbionic with Kaori Asami is also an AV star, but her biggest fame is appearing in all the Noboru Iguchi and friends ridiculous gore films such as The Machine Girl, RoboGeisha, Mutant Girls Squad, Gothic & Lolita Psycho.
Kaori (Mint Suzuki) – Kaori is the new girl in the club, forced into a life of selling her body after her parents died to care for her younger siblings. But not is all as it seems with her. Mint Suzuki is an AV star whose films you can probably find with a quick Google search.
Nakazu (Yuya Ishikawa) – Nakazu is going to get married to his lovely girl Misa, thus his friends drag him out to have sex with some random chicks! He’s not that into it. Then things get interesting… Yuya Ishikawa is a familiar site in these ridiculous gore films, popping up inThe Machine Girl (plus the short sequel), RoboGeisha, and Gothic & Lolita Psycho.
Uno (Toushi Yanagi) – Uno is no slouch in picking women to have sex with in sex clubs. He’s also a karate master out of nowhere!
Toshida (Wani Kansai) – The bald member of the crew, fancies himself and expert in the ways of sex parlors. Too bad he isn’t an expert in not getting a boner!

3 Superman and a Mad Girl

3 Supermen and Mad Girl (Review)

3 Supermen and a Mad Girl

aka Çilgin kiz ve üç süper adam

1973
Directed by Cavit Yürüklü
Written by Volkan Kayhan


Turkey produced some of the weirdest super hero films that ever existed, in their unique brand of mish-mash, zero budgets, and macho manliness. Of those super hero films, 3 Supermen and a Mad Girl is among the cream of the crop for crazy awesomeness. It’s a sort of riff on the Italian 3 Supermen movies, but going much further into the realm of costumed heroes, masked villains, secret plots, catsuited vamps, cardboard robots, and fistfight mania. 3 Supermen and a Mad Girl feels like a live-action comic book, or even a cartoon.

The three stars of 3SAAMG wear orange and black Superman suits complete with goofy masks. Following the premise of the Italian 3 Supermen films (one of which, 3 Supermen At The Olympic Games, would eventually incorporate footage from this film), the suit renders the wearers invulnerable and grants them super powers. The costume capers don’t end there, the Supermen fight a criminal organization staffed with goons wearing essentially green KKK outfits with purple domino masks, supported by a man named Sheytan, who wears a rubber devil mask, red cloak, and black gloves. There is a gaggle of babe dressed in red bikinis/miniskirts and masks, and the whole outfit is lead by a woman wearing a red Vampira uniform with a blonde wig and mask. Writer Volkan Kayhan deserves a million Oscars for creating something this wacky.

Worst Naked Gun opening credits ever!

This being a Turkish film, you can be assured the print looks like it was ran over by a bus filled with puking gophers, violated by amorous porcupines, and then nuked from orbit. Sections of the film appear to be missing, giving it a running time just over an hour. The 3 Supermen At The Olympic Games film that uses footage from 3SAAMG has longer snippets of some of the scenes, and in much better condition, but what exactly is missing besides a few shots of people walking in hallways I don’t know at this time as I haven’t watched the Olympic Games film. As usual, there are no subtitles on our copy. But when has that ever stopped us? At TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!!!

Playboy Superman (Levent Çakır) – This Süper Adam is a rich playboy spy who men want to be and women want to be with. He’s so suave, he’s already had sex with you. He even woos Brown-Haired Girl (Yeşim Yükselen), who becomes at the center of the grand conspiracy. Actor Levent Çakır is a familiar site to genre fans, having appeared in Bedmen and the Zagor pictures.
Big Superman (Altan Bozkurt) – It’s the big Süper Adam who crushes the puny humans beneath his feet. Okay, maybe he’s not that big, but he’s still huge and beats up bad guys.
Small Superman (Hüseyin Sayar) – Süper Adam – small – besides being smaller than the others, he is also more childish, playing with puppets and whatnot. Hüseyin Sayar was Robin in Bedmen, thus we got a Superman film where Batman and Robin both star as Supermen. Suck on that, DC!
Mad Girl (Emel Özden) – Mad Girl is the Vampira-ish lady who is totally evil and filled with evilness. Her real identity is a mystery, but it definitely isn’t Brown-Haired Girl’s stepmom Çılgın Kız. GUess who else was in Bedmen?
Sheytan (Nubar Terziyan) – the guy behind it all Who is Sheytan? is totally not Brown-Haired Girl’s dad Alpanu. He’s so evil, he even kills his henchmen such as the mad scientist Dr. Zalkon.
The Robot (???) – A robot which is a guy in a cardboard box with silver paint, holding a gun also made out of boxes with silver paint. He’s awesome.
Greenies (various) – The villains’ goons are dressed in green with purple domino masks and KKK hoods. They show up to fight the 3 Supermen at various times, and are about as effective as blind stormtroopers with both hands tied before their backs.

When Hell Broke Loose

When Hell Broke Loose (Review)

When Hell Broke Loose


1974
Directed by ???

When Hell Broke Loose is a crazy mess of a film involving all sorts of demons and goofy things and at some point a guy fights a giant puppet tiger and even flies out of the tiger’s butt. The story is steeped in religious philosophy and involves forgiveness, but as one of the main characters does some pretty despicable things, it is hard to have any sort of empathy for the character.

Besides the puppet tiger, the main attraction of When Hell Broke Loose is the visits to Chinese Hell. As you may already know, the concept of Hell in China is complicated, with a mix of Buddhism, Taoism, and a lot of local beliefs. Exactly what parts make up hell depends on which mixture you are using. Hell is called Diyu (地狱) and is basically a place where you go to get punished/tortured for your various sins until you achieve atonement and get reincarnated to the next life. The most common depictions of Diyu have 10 courts ruled by the 10 Yama kings, but there are also depictions of 4 or 18 levels. When Hell Broke Loose seems to follow the 18 level route, but as 18 is a simplification of the 134 levels in the Buddhist text Wen Diyu Jing (問地獄經), you can see how this is complicated. Here is an interesting article about a place called Haw Par Villa, sort of a museum/amusement park with statues of the various demons and tortures of the 10 levels of hell. Some of the creatures and tortures depicted show up in this film.

When Hell Broke Loose has a lot of random scenes of people being tortured in Chinese Hell. Not so many it can be sold as a torture porn film, but at least 10-15 minutes of scenes added just to spice up the Monk wandering around Diyu. A few scenes fit in with the movie’s story of redemption and atonement for past sins, but the bulk were just added as gonzo exploitation fare. That gets really nuts when the secret ending of When Hell Broke Loose is revealed! What is the secret ending? You’ll have to read it below!

There is precious little information about When Hell Broke Loose, I can’t find it on any database, nor the director, and the only actors IDed anywhere are Yu Tien Lung and Wen Chiang Lung.

The film opens with like 9000 words onscreen as the camera zooms into the faces of golden Buddhas, but as the words are in Chinese I can only read like 10 of them. So: Something, something, something, something, something, something, 18 gates, something something person, something, many somethings. And now you know the prologue to When Hell Broke Loose! Tell your friends! Call your enemies! Email the guy stuck in traffic next to you on the freeway!

Lai Yu-Sun (???) – A gang leader who is an evil rapist murdering jerk for most of the movie, and he’s the hero. Yep. He learns forgiveness or something after a few minutes of meditating and fighting a tiger. If the Unabomber fights a tiger, he’ll become magically powered and blessed by the gods. Think about that as you slave away at work not bombing people.
Monk Mu Lien (???) – The Monk who helps everyone learn about forgiveness because he’s a cool monk. And he goes for strolls in Hell.
Young Master (???) – Names are for losers, hence Young Master never gets a name. He does get his fiancee Yen King-Hwa kidnapped and murdered on his wedding day by Lai Yu-Sun.
Yen King-Hwa (???) – The object of affection for Lai Yu-Sun who goes into a murderous rage after two minutes of meeting her and being denied her hand in marriage. He kills her in a fit of rage when she responds to her attempted rape by him with a stabbing response. Once again a woman does nothing wrong and is horribly humiliated and murdered.
Superintendent Lai-Po (???) – Lai Yu-Sun’s chief Lieutenant, who has many dreams about his master being tortured in hell. Thus, he tries to save his evil master.
Tiger Puppet – The most realistic tiger puppet ever made.