Live a Little, Love a Little

January 1, 2013ByDanny Reid

Live a Little, Love a Little

1968
Written by Michael A. Hoey and Dan Greenburg
Directed by Norman Taurog

Someone’s too excited about Elvis’ naked body. Then again, anyone being excited at all about Elvis’ naked body is a scary, scary thing.

Elvis Presley, the King of Rock and Roll, starred in 31 motion pictures between 1956 and 1969. He did it because he loved movies, and his management loved money. Every movie rolled out with a tie-in album that promised a lucrative pot of gold, and while Mr. Presley desired to be another Brando, his management fashioned him instead as a low rent James Dean. A rebel with a cause, and that cause was a bag covered in dollar signs.

I’ve been watching through the Elvis filmography the last couple of months, half because I find dated cultural artifacts fascinating and half because I’m a total glutton for punishment. The films he’s mostly remembered for are big gaudy musicals like Jailhouse Rock and Viva Las Vegas, but these are, politely, the tip of the iceberg.

It’s always an awkward love triangle when there’s a Darren involved.

Usually he’s a pretty typical character: race car driver/airplane pilot/bon vivant who is a part time singer and a bit of a sex machine who gets himself in a bit of trouble. If I told you there was a film where Elvis was fighting his brother in the Civil War, would you be surprised? One where he was mistaken for a spy and chased around the world? One where he plays a Native American in redface? One where he plays a dual role and both Elvises chase around a bunch of sexy bumpkins through the Appalachians?

And I’m only listing out ones that I’ve seen. For all I know, there’s an Elvis movie out there where he plays a giant poodle. Hell, this one comes close.

I’m not going to write about every Elvis movie for TarsTarkas.Net, but I wanted to highlight a few of the most unbelievable. Because maybe if someone believed me when I talk about these films, if someone else knew the pain involved in just how bad some of these are… maybe they won’t be quite so painful.

If you stick with me through these reviews, you may pick up on the fact that most Elvis films have a view of women that nowadays is considered slightly more mature than those held by most cavemen.

	Greg Nolan (Elvis Presley) – Not a driver or a flyer this go around (though he does own a rockin’ dune buggy), but a photojournalist. He also, of course, knows kung fu.
	Bernice (Michelle Carey) – A dippy chick who is known by a range of different names by her many male acquaintances. She drives Elvis nuts, but we’ll touch more on that below.
	Harry (Dick Sargent) – Bernice’s ex-husband. Or is it current husband? I don’t know, he keeps showing up to annoy Elvis, and is about as square as square can be.
	Milkman (Sterling Holloway) – Okay, so the milkman doesn’t have a whole lot to do with the film, but it’s Sterling Holloway! He was a twerpy character actor from the 1930’s onward. Look at how old he is!
	Albert (Brutus) – Albert is Bernice’s Great Dane who seems just as obsessed with the man as Bernice is. Albert is played by Elvis’ own Dane, Brutus. Et tu, Elvis?

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Woman Knight of Mirror Lake

December 27, 2012ByTars Tarkas

The Woman Knight of Mirror Lake

aka 競雄女俠秋瑾 aka Jian hu nu xia Qiu Jin

2011
Written by Erica Li Man and Checkley Sin Kwok-Lam
Directed by Herman Yau Lai-To

To say that The Woman Knight of Mirror Lake was a disappointment would be a sad understatement. The biopic of famed femme revolutionary Qiu Jin is about a remarkable woman in a dangerous time, but the entire narrative suffers through flashbacks and a lack of establishing just what the heck is going on. I am familiar with the history of Qiu Jin because she’s interesting, but I still had trouble following the historical who’s who of revolutionaries, both real and consolidated/fake. Unfocused and scattered, The Woman Knight of Mirror Lake jumps from revolutionary speak to scenes trying to depict how women got it tough to speeches about Chinese patriotism to battle scenes involving people the audience has never met. The zig-zagging prevents a good narrative that we can follow, and the flashbacks serve no purpose and don’t correspond to what is happening in the present. It’s like they read about the narrative technique in a book and decided to do it just because it sounded cool. Herman Yau Lai-To has directed some cult classics in years gone by, but his extreme nature seems to have been neutered for bigger paychecks, and along with that, any attempts to do things creatively.

The Woman Knight of Mirror Lake is a very patriotic film. Most discussions on the ills of society end up running into the narrative that China is lead by weaklings, so that’s why everything sucks. And at this time, China was essentially carved up by foreign powers, humiliated, and reform attempts had just ended in disaster. But instead of showing how the failures justify the repeated revolution attempts (there were literally dozens over the years before they took), we just jump to the next problem of women not being able to travel due to children, or Japan restricting what students can say, or Qiu Jin’s husband being an entitled douche.

Beyond the script not following a story arc that makes it easy to follow, the individual scenes themselves are messes at times. The most notable is near the end of the film where there is an attempted assassination of a local governor. The setup and subsequent fight seems to last forever, and it’s filled with unknown people fighting unknown people. Worst of all, we all know the conclusion, because it was in the beginning of the film! This is like worrying if Obi-Won Kenobi is in any trouble in a Star Wars prequel.

	Qiu Jin (Crystal Huang Yi) – Independent female who won’t be caged. Uses her skills at the brush to fight for freedom with essays and poems. Eventually becomes allied with ever more armed revolutionaries and is caught up in the fervor, and captured for execution as a traitor.
	Li Zongyue (Anthony Wong Chau-Sang) – Qing official who is present during Qiu Jin’s trial and is an old family friend. Has to reluctantly go along with her downfall.
	Xu Xilin (Dennis To Yue-Hong) – Historical revolutionary whose attempts to assassinate a local governor end with the government cracking down on his group with deadly force.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders

December 22, 2012ByTars Tarkas

Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders

2011
Written by Steve Goldenberg
Directed by Jim Wynorski (as Sam Pepperman)

With a Double-D for an extra dose of killing you Deadd!

The tagline for Aliens vs. Predators was “Whoever wins, we lose!” One could argue that the tagline for Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders could be “Whoever wins, we win!” Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders is another of the late night Cinemax classics that gave the network the nickname Skinimax. It’s also another feature from fab B-movie director Jim Wynorski (here directed as Sam Pepperman!) Wynorski never shines so bright as when he’s directing smut, and Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders is filled with camera tricks and creative narrative editing that you rarely see in cheaply made farce. It also makes a lot of his SyFy fare look bland by comparison.

Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders is a fun tale that’s about as realistic as those before-mentioned SyFy flicks. The Scholastic Hottie of the Year Contest is set up as some sort of reality show-styled event – but without cameras capturing all the action. Don’t worry, the film makes up for it with Angie’s narration, explaining everything as we go and even commenting upon action happening onscreen. The light-hearted tone help make BCxLC merry entertainment. I admit I don’t watch as much of Wynorski’s flicks as others, but his softcore films are often lively and witty. And believe me, we’ve seen some boring stinkers!

Check out my levitation powers!

From the B-movie Vs. title, we know that things will be treated with a sense of humor. BCxLC lampoons the cutthroat world of reality tv shows and pageant contests by displaying all the bribing, back stabbing, and general bitterness that goes on. But because we know it’s all a fantasy, it’s okay to end things on a high note. While being a mirror, it isn’t a broken mirror, and luckily BCxLC keeps itself separated from heading into dark territory.

Visual candy includes character pages, biographies, repeated breaking of the fourth wall, picture within picture for commentary, a laugh track, flashbacks and flashsideways, and answers to what happens to our heroes after the big event. The underwater camera usage is rare itself for these low budget flicks (though I think a few older, higher budgeted productions have used it before), and it increases the quality tenfold. While many of these films can begin to blur together (both due to repeated use of actresses, sets, and even tone), anything that helps distinguish is good. If BCxLC shows up on your late night cable TV schedule and you aren’t completely tired yet, it’s worth checking out.

Directly ripped off from Aliens vs. Predators…

	Angie (Angie Savage) – Our narrator and hostess for our journey into the battle between Busty Coeds and Lusty Cheerleaders. A battle that is often fought with lashed tongues, torn clothing, and panting bodies. Angie weaves a tale of deception and lies as the contestants battle it out to reign supreme…and also to get it on many many many times!
	Marla Mounds (Jamie Michelle Hunter as Jaime Hunter) – Angie’s biggest competition, though she often just plays the sweet innocent girl who doesn’t seem like she’d backstab anyone…and doesn’t, unless it’s playing backstab defense against more notorious backstabbing!
	Tiffany Nightsprings (Kylee Nash) – Tiffany’s dad is super rich and bribed everyone to get her where she is, but bribes only go so far…or do they???
	Candice Connors (Charlie Laine) – Not the brightest of bulbs, but has a good heart. Like Marla, she often fades to the background, though her character doesn’t hang out with Angie as much as Marla does.
	Miss Abby Meyers (Melessia Hayden) – Miss Meyes runs the competition and makes sure everything is above board. Which means daily bust measurements and pole dancing competitions. Like all scholastic competitions, especially the ACT!
	Chet (Frankie Cullen) – One of handymen Miss Meyes hired to help out around the camp, because the gigantic camp with hardly any people in it would really have so many problems that it requires two full-time handymen… Is a killer piano player.
	Bull (T.J. Cummings) – The other handyman hired. He likes Candice, at least he tells her as much.
	Janet (Heather Vandeven) – Girl hired by Angie to get dirt to blackmail Dean Martin. Does an excellent job.
	Tiffany’s Dad (G. Gordon Baer) – Rich father who attempts to bribe an manipulate the contest more towards his daughter’s favor.
	Dean Martin (“Billy Chappell”) – Oh…that guy.
	Girl in car (Glori-Anne Gilbert) – One of the two replacement judges sent by Tiffany’s father. Is amused at life, getting lost, the forest, and the very young stud she’s driving around with. Good attitude!
	Guy in car (???) – This guy looks straight out of high school, but he’s a replacement judge and just ends up getting it one with Glori-Ann Gilbert in the forest instead. I have no clue who played him.

SHHH! Don’t tell anyone the shocking ending of Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Shaolin Traitorous

December 15, 2012ByTars Tarkas

Shaolin Traitorous

aka 大太監 aka Traitorous

1976
Written by Cheung San-Yee
Directed by Sung Ting-Mei

In the 1970s, the most dangerous occupation in Taiwan was being Polly Shang Kuan’s father in a movie. And once again, Shaolin Traitorous involves Polly playing a character that is avenging the deaths of her parents. But, shockingly enough, Polly isn’t the focus of the flick, it’s Carter Wong as Shang Yung, who survives the massacre of his family as a child and then trains at Shaolin Temple and eventually go get revenge.

Story wise, Shaolin Traitorous is a by-the-numbers revenge flick. But the choreography makes it rise a bit above the crowd. There is an obsession with array attacks, and there are multiple scenes with many guards stacked on top of each other in a huge human fence formation. Though fun to look at, I’ve never really understood how these attacks do anything except present a bigger target. But maybe that’s the trick…

Aside from the many guards stacking, if you’ve seen one of these films, you know the score. If they’re your thing, then you will enjoy the crap out of Shaolin Traitorous. If you’re just seeking some kung fu thrills, it will do the trick. But it’s not going to be a film you rave to everyone about on Twitter.

	Shang Yung (Carter Wong Ka-Tat) – His parents were killed when he was but a lad, and after intense Shaolin training he’s back for revenge. Luckily the guy is so evil he wasn’t killed and didn’t die of natural causes in the meanwhile. Because that would be anti-climatic! Wears his slain mother’s bracelet as a necklace.
	Hsiao Yun Erh/Tso Yun Lan (Polly Shang Kuan ) – Another victom of Tin Erh Keng wiping out her entire family, whe was even adopted by him (though randomly everyone thinks she’s a dude for a while, despite no disguise at all!) Now she wants revenge for her slain family.
	Tin Erh Keng (Chang Yi) – Evil jerk whose favorite hobby is slaughtering all the members of a family except a young child who will then hunt him down for revenge. Eventually that hobby comes back to have consequences. Who knew???
	First Head (Sammo Hung Kam-Bo) – Guard of East Gate who has a ridiculous name and he’s evil. EVIL!!!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Emmanuelle in Hong Kong

December 6, 2012ByTars Tarkas

Emmanuelle in Hong Kong

aka 香港艾曼紐之獸性培欲 aka Heung Gong ngaai maan nau ji sau sing pui yuk

2003
Written by Emmanuelle 71
Directed by Dick Lau Tin-Sze

Sometimes a cigar represents so many things Freud needs to do some cocaine to calm down, okay???

Hey, you got Eyes Wide Shut on my Story of O! And you got Story of O on my Eyes Wide Shut! And everyone is Chinese and named Emmanuelle for some reason… Thus from this unlikely scenario we have the origin of a really disgusting Reeses product. And also Emmanuelle in Hong Kong!

Don’t be fooled, Emmanuelle in Hong Kong has nothing to do with any of the Emmanuelle series, neither the regular, black, yellow, in space, 2000, vs. Dracula, or any other random series. It is simply a name grab. And by the names of certain producers (Cary Grant!!) they are hiding behind the fake names themselves. Four films seem to have been produced at the same time by the same team, using many of the same actors. My Horny Girlfriend is another one in the series. This is looking more and more like the same model used now for the most recent Emmanuelle series! Unlike a lot of Category III trash that came out at the same time, at least some of these films attempt to do something interesting, even if it is largely copying other media and failing spectacularly. We at TarsTarkas.NET support effort.

Nerdy Hef and Green Beret Phantom plan their next party

Emmanuelle in Hong Kong is another of the films produced by “Cary Grant”, a pseudonym so obvious I’m surprised they didn’t just go with Elvis Presley. And let’s not get in to the fact the script was written by “Emmanuelle 71”. The director, on the other hand, we will get into a little. Dick Lau Tin-Sze only helmed six titles, but he managed to helm a wide variety of smut, some of which stands out far and beyond the similar Category III films from the same period. Emmanuelle in Hong Kong was his first film released, followed by Erotic Agent II, then Sex and the Central, Sexy Soccer, Raped By an Angel 5, and finally The Undercover Madams, which has one of the most complex plots I’ve seen in a Category III film and I would even argue it borders on being a halfway decent flick. I don’t know if Dick Lau was a fake name that someone used in rotation or if he was just someone who dabbled in exploitation cinema under Matrix Productions Company and has since gone back to real estate or something. In any event, we wish him well.

This has become one of the most creepy films of all time…

	Dr. Yan Lam (Eddie Lam Kim-Fung) – Frustrated jerk husband who is the least understanding psychologist in the universe. Because his wife is experiencing emotional trauma he ships her off to be raped in the name of sexual freedom. Then he gets even more creepy. Somehow, that is possible. Eddie Lam is a prolific Category III actor, and will probably dethrone Elvis Tsui as the king of Cat III if he keeps it up.
	Emily (Crystal Suen Ah-Lei) – Dr. Lam’s long-suffering wife, who had a miscarriage and has been depressed ever since. Her husband’s romantic gestures like trying to forcibly rape her have not helped, so she gets kidnapped and tortured.
	Joyce (Akeno Junko) – Emily’s sister who has problems of her own, as she had frequent memory loss while nude and is secretly involved in rich people orgy cults. You know, normal problems.
	Mr. K (???) – Mysterious leader of the Emmanuelle Orgy Cults, at least until it looks like a new Emmanuelle has risen through the ranks by the end of the flick. I have no clue who he is or why he wears a Phantom mask the entire film. Where is Mr. Y and Mr. Jelly?
	Angel (Grace Lam Nga-Si) – Grace Lam is in this??? As a nun??? Who has a seperate side plot that does nothing and goes nowhere? Okay!
	Emmanuelle 50 (Ami Sakurai) – It’s like the writer (Emmanuelle 71!) decided to name every character after him/herself or something! Another member of the sex club who Dr. Lam takes a shining to while his wife is getting the treatment.

I’ll be having NUN of that Emmanuelle stuff!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

My Horny Girlfriend

December 6, 2012ByTars Tarkas

My Horny Girlfriend

aka Big波誘惑 aka Big bo yau waak

2002
Written by Lee Hai
Directed by Patrick Leung Saan-Bok

None of these other women made their bathing suit out of old jeans…

What do you do when you get a Category III film that tries to become a serious drama about malaise of modern life, finding yourself, depression, romance, swimming, and being contrarian just to show up cute guys on vacation? Not wonder why it is a mess, but wonder if the mess is worth checking out. The answer to that is more of if you are used to or willing to deal with Hong Kong Category III drama nonsense. It’s the kind of film that you can find acted and written a dozen times better all over the vcd shelves, but those films will also follow a predictable pattern. My Horny Girlfriend takes more risks by taking less risks. That’s a true statement, because there is a story buried beneath a bunch of junk, but also a lot of fan service that probably came from a clipboard list of what to do.

Grace Lam spends most of the film in a pouty mood, never happy. Not fun to be around at all. So that makes her the perfect leading lady! Her character is clearly suffering from some sort of depression, and she’s not the only one in the film. But she is the character with depression who still goes out and does stuff. And while some of her motives are unethical at best, the interaction, going outside, and just being around other people who aren’t just using her for sex helps Grace grow into a better, fuller person.

Hello? Nothing, what are you doing?

In fact, almost every female character in My Horny Girlfriend has some sort of mental issues making them depressed. The only character who isn’t is Pamila, and her personality is extreme in the opposite end where she’s always perky and down for anything. But she also uses sex as a weapon to teach “lessons” to women she doesn’t like. Pamila is the most manipulative character, and her humongous labido drives the plot as much as Grace’s fumbling attempts to continue to get her way in an environment that doesn’t hold her hand. Pamila is a big fish version of what personality Grace is, and her more bubbly personality opens doors and gives her powers that Grace’s sour tone can’t match.

Besides the nudity, the film also features lots of girls in bikinis. Almost every character is in a bikini or less for 90% of their screen time, even the men are often in swimming suits. The director and writer are probably pseudonyms, while producer Cary Grant obviously is. Grant’s other three films are Emmanuelle in Hong Kong, Forbidden Wet Tales, and Tortured Sex Goddess of Ming Dynasty. After that, he either switched fake names again or left the movie business with empty pocketbooks. Who knows? Only “Cary Grant” and possibly the ghost of Cary Grant, who was haunting “Grant” as revenge.

Not now, my ninja headband slipped down!

	Grace (Grace Lam Nga-Si) – A modern working girl, who is porking her disgusting boss for promotions in a decidedly unmodern fashion. After he sends her on vacation as a reward, she spends the entire time pouting, angrily wanting a man she can’t have, and angry at a stupid lesbian who she ends up having sex with several times regardless. Her anger and her libido combine to form a double-team of sexploitation stereotypes.
	Gordon (Oscar Lam Wai-Kin) – Lifeguard Gordon just saves women from drowning all day, many of which then become lifeguards in his training school. Gordon is weird. Cult leader weird. If you ever hear about dozens of lifeguards committing suicide, you know who to blame!
	Pamila (Yumi Ohsako) – Hello, there! Have you seen my breasts? They are huge. Gigantic. Massive melons! I have no character development, but I do manage to get these breasts popped out all throughout the film. Breasts. Big ones. On me! I’m dubbed because they outsourced the big breasts to Japan. I’m also a lesbian, with huge bazoongas! Did I mention that? The film will…
	Eddie (Eddie Lam Kim-Fung) – Swimming fan with an old leg wound, which makes him have bad swimming form. He’s an old friend of Gordon, as they were on the swim team together as kids. Gordon dumps him with Grace to get rid of her.
	Dawn (Bessie Chan Ming-Kwan) – Dawn runs the bar at the beach where the cast hangs out between sex scenes. She carries a fish around in a beer mug all the time. Is depressed and being stuck in a film called My Horny Girlfriend doesn’t help her depression one bit!

I had a nightmare I was in a movie called “My Horny Girlfriend”!

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