The Stealth Sex Fiend

September 2, 2013ByTars Tarkas

The Stealth Sex Fiend

aka 隱形淫魔之勇擒貴利雙柴 aka Invisible Erotomania

2003
Written and directed by ???

Invisible dudes love reading porn!

People ask me all the time “Tars, why do you watch those terrible cheap foreign softcore films that have no redeeming value and are terrible and bad and terrible? Also, where can I get a copy?” And I like to remind myself and the world that even these terrible terrible films have value. These films say things, show things, and reveal much about relationships and gender roles in their country of origin (as well as what country’s porn is influencing them!) that regular budgeted cinema fails to do. While many of those films operate under a layer of characters and nuance and meaning, some of these softcore flicks are just a stripped-down raw look into their culture. Many are terrible because they have no money, but also because they show things that are terrible. I’m not saying that The Stealth Sex Fiend has some sort of double-secret true meaning of life, or that watching smut will change the world. But it might just make someone understand things somewhere a tiny bit more. And that’s not so bad, is it?

What do you do when you want to make a movie starring some ugly dude going invisible and getting his rape on when you got no money? You have him wear a goofy purple bodysuit and give it wavy effects! Sure, it doesn’t work at all, but you do have one of the creepiest softcore sex scenes ever.

Suddenly a Fringe Festival breaks out!

Okay, I’ll level with you, I watched this only because I heard the effects for the invisibility were ridiculous, and I was not disappointed. Imagine a guy in a purple bodysuit and some video toasters swirly effects that try to make it look all Predator-vision. Even though Predator-vision makes no sense for how someone is invisible. The only half-way decent thing that happened in this film was the ending, which will be spoiled, because if anyone cares what happens at the end of The Stealth Sex Fiend, then you deserve to be launched into the sun.

Our Hero (in that he heroically turns invisible to rape women while his girlfriend is kidnapped) is murdered by said kidnapped girlfriend in retaliation for him abandoning her. As Our Hero was a disgusting idiot, it is a joyous thing to watch him be killified dead. A happy ending that we deserved for sitting through this junk.

Who would have thought Predator vs.The Blue Man Group would be so boring?

The Stealth Sex Fiend is a film that it’s hard to find any real information on in English. Everything is the same two-three copy/pasted synopses that don’t even agree on the English name of the title, and even the HKMDB has not bothered giving an entry. It’s a film that people would rather be forgotten, a film that is just terrible and depicts terrible acts. A film that turned on its own main character. Back when nudie cutie films were first being shown, there was a subgenre known as roughies, which featured the nudity but also people being killed. The situation was that because they couldn’t show sexual release, the release of all the pent up feelings of the audience was depicted by characters being killed. The Stealth Sex Fiend inadvertently follows this point in a modified manner, the pent up terribleness becomes a force that has to be unleashed, killing the main character, otherwise people would just go bonkers. I’m talking end of the world scenario here. The Stealth Sex Fiend both inadvertently caused and then prevented the end of us all. It is one of those scary things that no one will ever know about except a few brave souls who watched a terrible movie about a invisible rapist who was really purple.

We can’t find a reliable cast list, and you better believe there wasn’t any subtitles. But at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!

I will give the women in this movie credit: They do keep clean!

	Guy (???) – Our hero, to ugly and lazy to get a job, but not to buy weirdo sex pills from a shady guy. Doesn’t really care for his girlfriend.
	Invisible Guy (???) – He’s invisible! I certainly can’t see him, and neither can you. Invisibility gives him the boldness to do things he wouldn’t do if he wasn’t in a purple bodysuit. I mean, if he wasn’t invisible. Because he’s totally invisible.
	Sui-Fong (???) – The girlfriend of the main character, she spends most of her time either working out or being kidnapped. Is not fond of being left at the kidnappers’ place by a jerk boyfriend.
	Narrator (???) – Narrates out story and sells weirdo sex pills to the main character, thus propelling the story forward. Was this whole movie just an elaborate ruse for Narrator to kill of the main character and collect a life insurance policy? I have no proof, but I say yes!

Somehow I don’t think this is the guy’s apartment…

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Hwarang-V Trio (Review)

August 25, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Hwarang-V Trio

aka 화랑브이삼총사 aka Hwarangbeu-i samchongsa

1987
Written and directed by Kim Yeong-han

With Hwarang-V Trio, we return again to the world of Korean children’s film, a hive of scum and villainy that makes Mos Eisly look like a church choir. Previously, we got stuck on this detail with Super Batman & Mazinger V and Alien Lightning Dragon, and you can expect many more soonter than later. Because if I have to suffer, YOU have to suffer, dear readers! I’m also going to reveal my ignorance in anime robots, so forgive me if I don’t immediately identify popular robots I don’t know anything about if they’ve been ripped off for the cartoon robots in Hwarang-V Trio. Which is highly likely. The main robot is off his animation model so much they might not have even been using the same model.

Hwarang-V Trio features a whole host of enemies each with a ridiculous costume culled from the finest props left over from the dozens of other Korean kiddie films. Or maybe some of these costumes are even new, it’s not like we’d be able to tell the difference, and they’re surely used again in later films.

With that in mind, I’ve dubbed the villainous crew the Evil Circus, because their colorful costumes and presence of an evil Clown lend that thought to mind. I’ve tried to list all of the villains I could, but many just are standing around doing nothing in the background before their untimely death by cartoon robot, so don’t expect much!

Both the Evil Circus and the heroic band of random children suffer from the same affliction – their numbers randomly increase and shrink, often during the same scene. Characters never seen before join up for an important search of fight sequence and then are never spied again. It’s almost as if the filming was as haphazard as the watching. Despite all the confusion, there is a sort of basic plot of a space princess, annoying children, an evil space queen, and giant robots murdering people. This is why you never get involved in space royalty, the body count racks up so high in the sky that you can’t go twice as high as a butterfly. Because you’re dead!

Director and writer Kim Yeong-han was involves in several Korean kiddie films, including directing/writing duties on Robotstar Zanga and it’s sequel, Star Zanga Z Mazinga V Super Betaman – which we know as Super Batman & Mazinger V! Besides him, the cast list is impossible to connect names to faces without some outside help, so unless that help shows up in the comments, everything will remain a mystery…

As usual, there are no subtitles (and at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!) so everything that happens ranges from conjecture to confusion. But it’s not like things here will make much sense even with pop-up annotation.

	Sky, Earth and Typhoon (???) – These three knuckleheads “inherit the spirit of Hwarang” – which means they get powers from the space Princess Lanka and her weird Helper Guy. They eventually get around to being heroes and then fight the villains with their Power Ranger costumes. They also may or may not have control over the three-part vehicle that shows up at the end of the film to kill everyone bad.
	Ae-ri and Princess Lanka (???) – Ae-ri is the girl in the group who also gets super powers, except she doesn’t get to use them as much because she’s a girl. Princess Lanka is the reason everyone is fighting, the villains want her for reaons unknown, so she uses the heroic children that she puts in harm’s way to help defend her life of space princess privilige. Since Ae-ri is supposed to be Air, that makes the four kids the four elements, even though this film is about a trio. That is the caliber of writing quality you can expect from Hwarang-V Trio.
	Dr. Baeng-deok (???) – A scientist guy who spends far too much time around a group of children. The only adult in the film who isn’t dressed up as a villain, Dr. Baeng-deok turns garbage into science equipment and helps fight the Evil Circus.
	Helper Guy (???) – The Princess’s former bodyguard, who lost the job after he dies. But he does manage to give the Earth kids super powers before he croaks. I am not sure if he is supposed to be a robot or an alien.
	Robot (???) – Princess Lanka’s space robot who comes to kick butt and kick more butt. May or may not be named Hwarang-V.
	Gorilla Guy (???) – He’s a gorilla guy with skull shirt!
	Gorilla Guy #2 (???) – He’s a gorilla guy with bat mask and vampire fangs and skull shirt! Obviously this means a higher rank…
	Space Alien Lizard Guy (???) – Hangs out in the cave. Barely moves despite being cool.
	Fly Guy (???) – A wicked cool fly costume is used on this goon, who barely does anything and disappears soon after.
	Green Guy (???) – He’s a guy in robes with weird skin color!
	Evil Clown (???) – An evil clown (is there any other kind?) with a lavender curly wig and black makeup on his eyes and mouth. Is repeatedly beaten up by children.
	Evil Stongman (???) – An evil strongman (is there any other kind?) with the required jungle-themed outfit. Is repeatedly beaten up by children.
	Wolf Guy (???) – He’s a wolf guy in a skull shirt!
	Evil Lady (???) – This evil lady has bats on her outfit and appears to be just below the Evil Queen Serius in power.
	Evil Queen’s Many Handmaidens (???) – Some of Queen Serius’s many handmaidens, who mostly stand around looking evil and then get shot.
	Evil Queen Serius (???) – The plot description says Serius is the King of Evil. They either meant Queen of Evil or this is the most progressive children’s movie ever! Queen Serius dresses like she’s a Disney villain, and has a skull staff that is the most realistic skull you ever did see. She controls the Evil Circus, desires Princess Lanka for reasons unknown, and controls Two Cartoon Robots.
	Two Cartoon Robots (???) – The aforementioned Two Cartoon Robots that Queen Serius controls. They fly and have no legs.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Emmanuelle the Private Collection: Sex Talk

August 11, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Emmanuelle the Private Collection: Sex Talk

2003?
Written and directed by Jean-Jacques Lamore (pretty sure this is Alain Siritzky)
Loosely based on a character created by Emmanuelle Arsan

A rubdown is needed after enduring a lecture about all the various Emmanuelle series…

Every few years that is a new Emmanuelle series, each iteration becoming more and more removed from the source novel and films to the point where the only connection is the name. Emmanuelle has had all sorts of adventures all over the world (and like all good franchises, she both went to space and fought Dracula!) As it can get time consuming and expensive to track down all copies of all the Emmanuelle series, it’s often more efficient to just pick one to represent the whole group. Especially since the guy who has been churning out Emmanuelle series (and other similar softcore series), Alain Siritzky, sometimes makes the films so they can be edited into either half hour episodes or full movies.

Each Emmanuelle series has their own star as Emmanuelle. The original Emmanuelle was Sylvia Kristel, who was in four of the original Emmanuelle films and played an older Emmanuelle in at least on television series. Prior Emmanuelle series include the Emmanuelle 2000 run, which starred Holly Sampson as Emmanuelle (and we reviewed sample film Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise). The most famous series among cable aficionados are the Emmanuelle In Space films, which starred future Baywatch actress Krista Allen. The most recent series starred Allie Haze (as Brittany Joy), but you can rest assured that Emmanuelle will never die.

Natasja Vermeer played Emmanuelle in the Emmanuelle: The Private Collection series, of which Emmanuelle: Sex Talk is a member. Emmanuelle has been played as a brilliant super charismatic well-connected hero who swooped in to solve the problems of whichever couples were nearby. This Emmanuelle is less of a genius who solves problems, but she’s still considered the center of attention. We know this more because the film tells us, instead of us seeing it in action. From the way I explained it, you can tell that she doesn’t come off as very knowledgeable at all. In fact, Emmanuelle becomes more of a mystery as to why anyone even knows her. This is not helped by the subplot of giving Emmanuelle a mystery of her own to figure out (and I will freely admit it may be hurting the attempts to make her appear smart in my eyes.)

Another Emmanuelle history lesson victim!

The Emmanuelle: The Private Collection series of Emmanuelle films are filled with vignettes that are told either by flashback, or by radio callers who tell them to Brittany O’Dell. These are scenes that have no connection to the film aside from sporadic narration, and were filmed with a different style of digital camera. The look of the actors and the lack of any spoken words leads me to believe the scenes are from overseas somewhere in Europe, and I don’t know if they were filmed specifically for the Emmanuelle films or were something the production company acquired and threw in to save some dough. I do know that they were rather weird. Something about them were just off, I can’t really explain it.

Natasja Vermeer recorded some of the songs that were used in the Emmanuelle: The Private Collection series, for those of you who are soundtrack trivia buffs.

	Emmanuelle (Natasja Vermeer) – Never fear, Emmanuelle is here, and things are about to get sexy. Emmanuelle is on a journey for stuff to happen around her, and also she gets a mysterious letter and random sex nymphs visit her, but beyond that, much of the action happens outside of Emmanuelle’s worldview.
	Brittany O’Dell (Angela Nicholas as Angela Davies) – Radio host who has a deranged stalker, which is somehow sexy and not incredibly disturbing. And she’s friend with Emmanuelle.
	Lisa (Valerie Baber) – Emmanuelle’s massage partner (and more!) whose boyfriend wants to have a threesome. That eventually happens. Valerie Baber is now an author and sex journalist

Wait, HOW many different Emmanuelle films???

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Dead Sushi

August 8, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Dead Sushi

aka デッド寿司 aka Deddo Sushi

2012
Written by Noboru Iguchi, Makiko Iguchi, and Jun Tsugita
Directed by Noboru Iguchi

Summing up Dead Sushi in one picture!

Dead Sushi combines two of my favorite things from low budget Japanese cinema – Rina Takeda and Noboru Iguchi! While I wish these two combined to make something amazing, Dead Sushi turns out to just be above average. While certainly a lot better than either of the prior Iguchi and Takeda films I have seen (Zombie Ass and Kunoichi), Dead Sushi suffers from trying to be too many things. Sure, it’s got zombies, killer sushi, and face kicking, but there is also a big lecture on the proper way to make, eat, and appreciate sushi. Dead Sushi takes as much from Jiro Dreams of Sushi as it does from Machine Girl or High-Kick Girl! Unfortunately, they drag the movie down to a more average range.

Finally a movie that isn’t afraid to spit the truth!

The two main attractions to Dead Sushi are the gore effects and the choreography. First – the gore effects are okay, but not so different from what we’ve seen before. The humor comes from the instigators of this gore, living sushi pieces that talk gibberish and fly through the air, skeletonizing people. After the gimmick wears off, Dead Sushi gives us zombies to allow for some actual fighting against something other than CGI and puppets. While zombies are overused and boring (despite these zombies spitting up rice!), the occasional fights against CGI sushi have their fun, and remind me of Birdemic.

Why you should never eat cheap take-out rice!

The choreography is less disappointing, and is what you should seek out Dead Sushi for. Rina Takeda’s Keiko is a sushi apprentice to her father, the sushi chef skills giving her karate skills because that’s just how it works. There is some kicking and punching of sushi pieces out of the air, and later some battles against ineffectual zombies. Dead Sushi then shakes things up with Kentaro Shimazu running around with a giant fish head and a gianter axe to battle Rina Takeda, while the one good piece of sushi – Eggy – does battle with a giant CGI sushi battleship. The fights keep you entertained, whoever the stunt guy for Kentaro Shimazu is matches well with Rina Takeda’s moves, giving us nice fighting to entertain the people. Bread and circuses. Or Sushi and Zombies.

Shaming the shameless

	Keiko (Rina Takeda) – Daughter of a great sushi master, who is angry that she was a girl and thus inferior at making sushi. She runs away in anger, taking a job as a hostess at a hotel. The years of practice at making sushi has honed her skills at fighting, and also given her admirable sushi skills that are recognized by Mr. Sawada. Keiko is also known to lecture on proper sushi etiquette, showing she was paying attention to all her father’s teachings.
	Yamada (Kentaro Shimazu) – What seems to be just a homeless guy is actually the former head of new medicine development at Komatsu Pharmaceutical, the company that comes to dine at the hotel for their famous sushi. His project on bringing dead sea life back to life was cancelled, but not without the side effects of turning him into a zombie lord, and he unleashes the infection at the hotel. Evolves into a fishhead form.
	Nosaka (Takamasa Suga) – A good guy who isn’t that good, secretly knows what’s going on as the whole outbreak is part of his own sick experiments for Komatsu Pharmaceutical. But the worm will turn…
	Yumi Hanamaki (Asami Sugiura) – Hostess at the hotel who worked hard to gain her position, and also married the new owner. Is cheating on her husband Mr. Hanamaki (Takashi Nishina) with arrogant sushi chef Tsuchida.
	Mr. Sawada (???) – Nice guy at work, was an arrogant sushi chef at the inn until he accidentally stabbed his wife and became knifephobic.
	Eggy (himself) – an egg sushi that is spurned by all the seafood-based sushi, Eggy turns good and uses his acid egg juice squirting ability to aid Keiko and Mr. Sawada.

Better than the movie Battleship!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Housewives from Another World

July 29, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Housewives from Another World

2010
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Yes, it is all so clear now how Honey Boo-Boo is a good show.

It’s been far too long. We need an application of Fred Olen Ray, STAT! Thankfully, Housewives From Another World is here to deliver us from the torment, the torment of not seeing one of Ray’s bikiniverse films on TarsTarkas.NET recently. Don’t laugh, this is a recognized medical condition. In that I edited it into a Wikipedia article on medical conditions before I was banned for “trolling”. But how is spreading knowledge trolling? Wikipedia is the true monster.

Housewives From Another World features invading aliens who possess some local women in hopes of sabotaging a satellite launch to prevent a war that ends up destroying their species. These women never regain control of their bodies, and are essentially dead. The aliens would declare that it’s all in the name of saving countless lives. So a moral choice is presented: Is it worth killing a few innocent people in order to prevent a genocide? Obviously, the aliens have made their choice. But did they really have to kill the women as they gain control of their bodies? And why not just gain control of Max, the designer of the satellite, and use his knowledge to sabotage all chances of it being launched?

Oh, great, someone wake up Bruce Willis…

It’s also interesting so see that the aliens travel back in time to Earth, instead of going to warn their own people to get them prepared. Or maybe they do, we just don’t see those characters. After all, some of the alien women leave at the end (with Max), and they must be going somewhere. The aliens may have advanced technology, but they have dubious planning skills (unless their technology only allows them to travel to Earth in the past!) and who knows what their time meddling may have done to history. Technology from the satellite may have saved the galaxy at some point, but the whole thing is tossed to save their skins. And let’s not even talk about how this would be a minor setback at best, human technology can easily catch up and eclipse the work of one man. Though that might mean the time sequence to discovery and war is very quick, perhaps enough that they will be able to develop defenses (heck, there might even be a Team B that is warning their own homeworld!) or even arming their own side, who may come to conquer Earth instead.

These ethical and mysterious quandaries add intrigue to Housewives From Another World. Also there are naked people who have sex.

Cut loose like a deuce, another runner in the night

	Max (Frankie Cullen) – Works on the Orion Deep Space Satellite when he’s not cheating on his wife, Karen. Is the best worker in the program, and the boss constantly talks about how cool his is.
	Karen (Heather Vandeven) – Max’s loving wife, who is less than loving when she finds he’s been cheating around. Finds a meteor crater in a drunken stupor and is taken over by aliens from a distant world who are working to sabotage the Orion Deep Space Satellite to save countless lives.
	Carla (Christine Nguyen) – Fellow worker on the Orion satellite, but she’s nowhere near as good at her job as Max. Dreamy Max… But at least she’s better than Tom! Gets meteored last of the three female characters.
	Rita (Rebecca Love) – Unbright neighbor to Max and Rita, easily convinced to hop into bed with Max. Gets meteored and suddenly is much smarter. Because she’s an alien, and not Rita.
	Tom (Billy Chappell as Tony Marino) – Oh. This guy.
	Mr. Roberts (Ted Newsom) – Boss at the satellite company, he really rides his employees to do their all, but only Max is good enough to get anything done.
	Undercover Agent (Ron Ford) – This totally cool looking guy who is trying to buy the satellite plans off of Tom for suitcases of cash is definitely not an undercover agent for the FBI.

This is the only shower in all of LA!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Secret Lives

July 23, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Secret Lives

2010
Written by ???
Directed by Austin Brooks

Grey Poupon jokes forever!

As we’ve seen time and time again, one of the major story types of softcore films are murder mysteries. These plots help gives softcore some pulp street cred (erotica is a long-standing pulp tradition) as well as adding danger elements to help make the films more exciting. Many of the films are essentially episodes of detective shows, modified for the personality of the lead and given sequences that would make NYPD Blue blush. Mainline Releasing/ MRG Entertainment has a slew of them, so Secret Lives will become an example case.

Secret Lives goes along at a leisurely pace, a type of realistic storytelling that shows us characters walking the whole way through buildings, having long conversations and monologues, and seems more of a play expanded to film and then stuffed with padding to justify the sets and stock footage. But weirdly enough, that sort of makes it feel more real, that these characters who are part of this fantasy sex world have to deal with some of the same problems that everyone faces. And our heroes are no angels, they endanger their case and their jobs and even their lives, saved by the fact the killer seems to have left her mind far behind

Agave??? Give me the rat poison!

Also there’s lots of wang in this movie. Which is good for softcore, even if it’s not my thing, because there are couples that watch these film, even if it isn’t the target audience. And it’s cool to toss the ladies or gay men a few “bones” now an then, even if it is only soft bones. People who have a problem with that probably have their own

We’re led to believe that Kenzie is the main character from the beginning, but we actually follow Detective Mick Ferguson around for most of the film. The “secret lives” hinted by the title only makes sense if you view the relationship of the main characters – which they try to keep hidden to protect their career and cases – as a sort of secret life. But it’s not really that secret, and by the end they just realize hiding things will just leave to problems. The big flaw is there is no real resolution. Kenzie and Mick commit to staying together, but even though we know who the murderer is, things are left to offscreen characters to find the evidence and save the day.

Secret Lives features stylized flashbacks, including several long sex sequences. An effort is made to keep the viewer from being confused while still running through the checklist of things required for softcore cinema. The pacing is something that may put people off, but it lends Secret Lives a bit of distinction in my eyes. Secret Lives throws some expected ideas out the window while still delivering other common tropes, a creative mix that is welcome in an environment that can grow stagnant.

	Detective Mick Ferguson (Brendan Connor) – Police detective who is trying to balance his love life with his job, a special problem now that his one night stand turned possible girlfriend turns out to be the new Assistant District Attorney, Kenzie. Detective Ferguson must also solve the murder of model Ashley Taylor. Brendan Conner also stars in Alien Sex Files 3: Aliens Gone Wild
	Kenzie (Beverly Lynne) – The new Assistant District Attorney, who gets off to a bad start possibly compromising cases and having inappropriate relationships. Then she goes and interviews suspects without saying what she’s doing. Kenzie used to be a model – which paid for law school – and lived in the house Ashley was murdered in with Diana Marks. Beverly Lynne has been in a ton of films featued on TarsTarkas.NET.
	Diana Marks (Krissy Lynn) – The roommate of murder victim Ashley and constantly arguing with her. Has been a model for a long long time. Is only mostly crazy. Krissy Lynn also stars in She’s So Anal
	Ashley Taylor (Angelica Saige as Angelica Sage) – The murdered girl, she appears in various flashbacks, usually yelling at people or having sex. The mix of passions spells her doom. Angelica Saige starred in Go Hostagettes!
	Jason Tillman (Chris Johnson) – Ashley’s boyfriend, he left the apartment before she was murdered, but as she was killed by poison, can’t be ruled out because he may have poisoned her before he left. Was constantly dealing with Ashley’s jealousy. Chris Johnson also starred in Grand Theft Auto: XXX Parody
	Lady Cop (Mell Flynn) – Cop on the scene at the murder that gives Ferguson the rundown. Mell Flynn was also in an episode of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant
	Dean Foss (George McFadden) – Weird art photographer and Diana’s boyfriend. Is creepy, but that’s just a red herring (like communism!) According to IMDB, he’s been in nothing else, which means this is probably not the name he’s usually credited under.

Completely hidden by her camouflage!

	The Actual Weirdest Giant Monster Movies Ever Made
	Superman (Telugu)
	The 113 Must See Flicks From the American Film Market 2013
	Sweet Prudence & the Erotic Adventure of Bigfoot
	March of Godzilla Island
	Let the Bullets Fly
	I Married a Monster From Outer Space
	“They Look Like They Make Sense, Don’t They?” – A Reassessment of Prometheus
	James Band 007