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Aventuras al centro de la tierra Adventure at the Center of the Earth

Aventura al Centro de la Tierra (Review)

Aventura al Centro de la Tierra

aka Adventure at the Center of the Earth
Aventuras al centro de la tierra Adventure at the Center of the Earth
1965
Written by José María Fernández Unsáin (as J.M. Fernandez U.)
Directed by Alfredo B. Crevenna

Hug time!

The mysterious center of the planet Earth has been a tantalizing source of speculative fiction for decades, until a bunch of eggheads determined it’s all magma and rocks. But screw those eggheads, because we’re still about journeying to mysterious underground civilizations. The concept is so universal that even Mexico has an entry, which not only brings to mind the many dryly boring 1950s adventure romps, but even uses stock footage from some of them. Aventura al Centro de la Tierra (Adventure at the Center of the Earth) even has its own boring old professor guys who are twenty years and twenty pounds to late to be trekking around to parts unknown. Luckily they bring guns and all sorts of modern violence on this quest, because it’s full of monsters.

Aventuras al centro de la tierra Adventure at the Center of the Earth

Hey, I’m a lizard with crap glued to my head! And you think you have a bad job…


First, let’s give Aventura al Centro de la Tierra a giant “FUCK YOU!” for the terrible real animal cruelty in one scene. A pit of snakes have a bucket of gasoline thrown on them and are set alight. I’m no big snake fan, but I’m definitely not a big fan of killing animals for a dumb film about a bat creature that wants to score with a hot babe. They also include that classic clip of the crocodile with a fin on its back battling the gila monster that’s in like four or five other films. BOOOOOOOOO!! to that as well. They even sort of reference it with iguanas with horns and crap glued to them that can be seen in the cave.

The real reason to watch Aventura al Centro de la Tierra isn’t all the terrible stuff I’ve been mentioning, but the creature costumes. There is a rather well constructed manbat creature, complete with giant wings and sort of human intelligence and lusts. Despite going on a murder spree, he realizes Kitty de Hoyos is far too attractive to just rip her neck open, and takes her back to his lair to try to woo with bat guts and live rats. The ManBat was joined by a Cyclops, who is also responsible for some of the bodycount in the film, but he’s gunned down rather spectacularly (efforts to drug him end with an impaled Cyclops!)

On the way, the film borrows from classic horror films. Underwater sequences bring to mind similar underwater scenes in Creature of the Black Lagoon. The entire going to the center of the Earth thing is borrowed from so many pulp novels, Jules Verne being the most famous. The ManBat acts like many monsters with crushes by trying to impress the lady he kidnaps (and carries in the required monster carried a lady pose!) Alfredo B. Crevenna would go on to direct Gigantes Planetarios, El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras, and Santo Contra la Invasion de los Marcianos

Aventuras al centro de la tierra Adventure at the Center of the Earth

Ladies and blacks, get out!


Professor Díaz (José Elías Moreno) – Lead professor guy who drags everyone into the caves and speaks all grand pronouncements while doing nothing except shooting and destroying everything he finds. Science!
Hilda Ramírez (Kitty de Hoyos) – An assistant professor who gets brought on the expidetion despite being left at camp almost all the time thanks to Professor Díaz. Likes to take pictures of the dark, which comes in handy when the pictures show eyes watching her. Is kidnapped by ManBat.
Dr. Peña (Carlos Cortés as Carlos Cortez) – A doctor brought along in case people are hurt. Becomes the love interest of Hilda despite being the least developed of the main characters.
Jaime Rocha (David Reynoso), Dr. Laura Ponce (Columba Domínguez), and Dr. Manuel Ruiz (Javier Solís) – Jaime Rocha is a big game hunter brought in to shoot whatever monster is rumored to be killing people in the cave. Dr. Laura Ponce is a geologist needed because caves are made of rocks. Dr. Ruiz is a writer who gets added to the group because they needed another guy with an advanced degree. Dr. Ruiz and Dr. Ponce like each other, but Ponce becomes greedy upon finding diamonds, while Ruiz wants to inform the government. Rocha overhears and kills Ruiz to cash in on the wealth, but Ponce says she’s going to inform the government anyway in deference to her late friend. Unfortunately both she and Rocha get killed by the ManBat before anyone knows what is going on, resolving this plot conflict with blood and bodies.
The Black Servant of Dr. Peña (???) – Because we need a cook in the center of the Earth! He never gets a name despite being a major character! Also there are cave guides brought along for monster fodder, all of which gets names. But not this guy! We salute you, Black Servant of Dr. Peña. Yes, he dies.
Cyclops (???) – Cyclops attacks the party randomly. They shoot it with a drug bullet, but the cyclops lands on a stalagmite as it falls and is somehow impaled like 3 feet through the chest. Cyclopses must have a low calcium diet that makes their chest bones basically jelly or something. This is why you should have proper nutrition, people! This cyclops costume has a tail, and I am unsure if it is the same costume from La Nave de los Monstruos and Santo el Enmascarado de Plata y Blue Demon Contra los Monstruos
ManBat (???) – I have to call him ManBat because the only alternative is BatMan. Falls in love with Hilda and stalks her all through the movie. Has an expressive makeup face in closeups, but is obviously a mask in long shots. Is intelligent and tough, but not immune to being shot with many many bullets.
Aventuras al centro de la tierra Adventure at the Center of the Earth

Someone saw the missing King Kong spider pit sequence!

Obsession Mainline Releasing softcore cinemax

Obsession (Review)

Obsession

Obsession Mainline Releasing softcore cinemax
2013
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by Kent Sawyer

Obsession Mainline Releasing softcore cinemax

Possibility. Possibility.


Mainline Releasing Group (aka MRG Entertainment) gives us a softcore take on 50 Shades of Grey in what might be a preview of the style of the film version of same that will hit theaters in 2014. A super rich arrogant guy suddenly is extremely attracted to a freelance writer who did an interview with him and called him out on his crap. As no one has ever done that to Mr. Rich Guy, you can say he had an…..Obsession!

Because that’s the title, yo!

Obsession is at its best when its dissecting what a woman wants in a relationship, and at its worst when things are happening. Kiara Diane just wasn’t up to task to handle some of the emotional scenes, while Jason Sarcinelli is playing the same evil dick character we’ve seen a few times in Mainline Releasing films. He really only breaks out of that mold in his last scene, too bad it took so long to get there. I was totally not surprised to see this was a Tina Hawthorne script. Beyond her being the only writer for MRG, she’s also producing scripts that deal a lot with relationships and how people interact within them in addition to the required sex scenes. Needless to say, I’m a fan, even if she’s hit or miss.

As the Sophie Hammond character is already dating a guy who is a jerk, when she meets hyperjerk Max Berens it is on like Donkey Kong, if Donkey Kong was a softcore movie (probably called Donkey Dong, at least until Nintendo’s army of lawyers drowned everyone involved in cease and desists!)

Obsession Mainline Releasing softcore cinemax

No one interrupts me when I’m playing Candy Crush Saga!

Obsession features another person with a million dollar home while she’s just a freelancer and her boyfriend is a college student who doesn’t even pay his own tuition. I know a lot of writers due to writing my own site for so long, and none of them could afford anything close to that without something else going on. It also lessons the supposed wealth of Max Berens when Sophie’s expensive house looks more fancy than the billionaire’s office. And as Max seems less wealthy, his supposed power and influence go down, decreasing his charm and making him just seem more like a jerk.

Obsession Mainline Releasing softcore cinemax

So I was all like “Who needs an $80,000 job when I can play X-Box for free!”


Then I wondered why I thought he seemed less appealing because he seemed to have less money. Was I willing to give him excuses on being a jerk if he had a fat wad of cash? And if so, am I no better than women/men who date people for wealth? Why is it that rich idiots like our current crop of pop stars can waste tons of money and run around like idiots with no consequence, while the masses never get a break? Wealth just provides so much freedom in society it is obscene. It’s even permeated the subconscious mind, rich people can get away with whatever they want and you just assume it will be so, but the excuses you give to them do not transfer to someone who seems less than wealthy. I’m not saying we should kill the rich and tear down the system to reboot the planet. I’m sure there are one or two rich people who aren’t terrible. But Obession plays on this lifestyle of wealth with Max Berens’ character, while at the same time exposing its fraud by not emphasizing the wealth like it should. In that regards, Obsession fails as a film, and succeeds only in being a delivery method for naked chicks on late night Cinemax. On that hand, Obsession delivers!

Sophie Hammond (Kiara Diane) – A journalist for a local paper whose interview with Max Berens opens a new chapter in her life that involves an affair with said Max Berens.
Max Berens (Jason Sarcinelli) – A famous billionaire who is very obsessive and gets interested in girls who stand up to him. Which seems to have happened only once ever with Sophie. Jason Sarcinelli is also in Sex Tapes and Sexy Assassins.
Jake (Rocco Reed) – Jake is on year 6 of college and doesn’t want to grow up. Which really annoys his girlfriend Sophie. He doesn’t get her hints that she’s unhappy, until she dumps him for a mysterious billionaire. Rocco Reed is also in Dark Fantasies.
Lia (Michelle Lay) – Max’s secretary who has a thing for Max. Thus she hates Sophie. Michelle Lay is also in Cougar School, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, and Ghost in a Teeny Bikini
Monique (Tasha Reign) – A random woman trying to impress Max with her selling techniques. If she sells jets like she was selling herself to Max, then expect Max to be arrested soon for being a pimp.
Obsession Mainline Releasing softcore cinemax

Well, more pizza for me then!

Hidden Treasures

Hidden Treasures (Review)

Hidden Treasures

Hidden Treasures
2013
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by David Ashton

Hidden Treasures

Call me Poison Ivy because I basically am Poison Ivy.


Hidden Treasures is an interesting film, because the lead woman Elizabeth is manipulative over her former roommates/lovers, who eagerly go along with whatever weird junk she’s selling. They then drag their girlfriends into the mess, and commit a million sins that would end any relationship immediately. You have to take some of the scenes with a huge iceberg-sized grain of salt that anyone would go along with the shenanigans.

Initial premise aside, Hidden Treasures is an interesting “erotic thriller”, I use thriller because it’s not really any other category. We know Elizabeth is manipulative, but we don’t know how much, or if she’s even the most guilty party.

Hidden Treasures

I’m just gonna dig some shallow graves, nothing suspicious or anything!


Someone does know something about plants (I haven’t determined if Tina Hawthorne is the real name of the writer of the bulk of Mainline Releasing’s films), because in addition to some of the lingo straight out of wikipedia is some actual plant knowledge. Maybe it’s just watching this film while in the middle of reading a book that also has a character who mentions plants by their scientific names all the time (the book is Caliban’s War by James S.A. Corey), but I don’t really do that. But again, I can barely remember the common names for the different heirloom plants I have growing in my garden without saving the seed packets. It’s probably easier when you have someone you can talk plant shop with, but my wife and I are the only people we know who garden.

Sadie Katz’s character Cat is the plant enthusiast here, while Elizabeth Pierce’s father made his fortune in alternative medicine herbal plants and has a lush garden (tended by hunky gardener Jackson, who also knows a lot about plants.) Plants play into the plot with the characters continually talking about them. But there is also a bunch of missing jewels that Elizabeth’s late father somewhere on the property, which is the excuse she uses to bring in her old sex pals Mason and Chris. Judging by what happens next, its as if the characters are convinced the jewels are hidden on one of their bodies, because they keep getting naked and exploring around each other.

Hidden Treasures

Look, buddy, the title is a metaphor about relationships in addition to referring to the stashed away jewels!


It’s hard to break down Hidden Treasures because you have to believe that Cat and Rachel would put up with their idiot boyfriends dropping everything to go help out an old hot friend who they probably had lots of sex with. And neither girl is too pleased, Rachel is openly hostile, while Cat attempts to be positive but runs into interference from everyone, including her boyfriend Mason, but not Jackson. Hmmm…. But basically the lesson is don’t be a manipulative horror and don’t be manipulated by said horror.

Elizabeth Pierce (Michelle Maylene) – Elizabeth’s rich father just died and she gets two of her old lovers to come help her find missing secret jewels. She’s also sleeping with both of them and the gardener Jackson and her dad’s death is very very mysterious. See Michelle Maylene in Sexy Assassins, Cougar School, The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, and Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite
Cat (Sadie Katz) – Mason’s girlfriend who is dragged along to Elizabeth’s house, but is soon enthralled by all the rare and medicinal plants in the yard. Is not enthralled by Mason banging Elizabeth. Sadie Katz can also be seen in Birthday Sex. Credited here as Buffy Green.
Jackson (Chad White) – The gardener who has grown most of the rare plants at the house. Is also good at sewing his oats with two of the female cast members.
Mason (Seth Gamble) – Architect who is dating Cat, but is “friends” with Elizabeth from back when they were roomies. He is unfamiliar with common plant names and cares not to learn. Not a faithful man. What do you expect from someone named after a jar? Seth Gamble is also in Booty Hunter.
Chris (Ryan McLane) – Another of Elizabeth’s “friends” who spends his free time cheating on his girlfriend Rachel with Elizabeth. Yet he’s somehow the least worst of the two guys Elizabeth brings in. Ryan McLane is also in Naughty Reunion
Rachel (Alyssa Branch) – Chris’ girlfriend who is not happy with the weird scenario of bringing him and her to his old flame’s house, nor at her getting kicked out of rooms constantly by Elizabeth.
Cop (David Page) – He’s a cop!
Other Cop (???) – He’s also a cop!
Hidden Treasures

How could you take me to a house with a warped funhouse mirror??? Mom was right about you!

The Devil Wears Nada

The Devil Wears Nada (Review)

The Devil Wears Nada

The Devil Wears Nada
2009
Written and directed by Jim Wynorski (as Salvadore Ross)

The Devil Wears Nada

They’re checking each other for cavities!


Now this is some Jim Wynorski treasure! The Devil Wears Nada is a fantastic achievement of fun story and sexy content, while still being ridiculous and creative. Wynorski can produce magic if he’s into it, and from the creativity he gives behind and in front of the camera, you can tell he’s having a ball here

The Devil Wears Nada takes its name (obviously) from The Devil Wears Prada, and here we also have an overbearing boss at a fashion magazine lording over her newest assistant. Things go a bit further here, Julia Crimson is far worse of a boss than Miranda Priestley. The humiliation becomes more sexual, though Candy seems to have no problem having sex with her boss or a random male model even under threat of termination. It is revealed that Julia Crimson is blackmailing another character (via more sexual humiliation – incriminating photos) and gets a comeuppance that we never saw in the Glenn Close film. Turning the boss into more of a caricature does make things more fun and removes a bit of moral ambiguity.

The Devil Wears Nada

I work how many hours and all I get is a lamp???


The Devil Wears Nada gives another chance to go over the themes of its inspiration movie, with the overworked assistant at a magazine dealing with a nightmare boss and the promise of future rewards if she just sticks through all the crap she has to go through. Thanks to the job market in the US imploding, the scenario plays out like a lot of the unpaid internships that seems to be more of the rule than exception at magazines. These internships are often just unpaid 60 hour workweek jobs in expensive cities that only the rich can afford to go through, creating an artificial barrier in the magazine industry. These internships have become increasingly controversial and are technically illegal in some areas, but persist. In addition, they are often defended by those that have gone through them as a necessary part of magazine production, creating a self-feeding destructive cycle that causes many in the industry to turn a blind eye to its own failings (as rocking the boat might just cost your your job in a very competitive field!)

The Devil Wears Prada deals with the struggle that professional women tangle with, their careers or their personal lives. The Devil Wears Nada is of the opinion that you can have your cake and eat it too, and the terrible boss is just an obstacle to overcome. Candy’s defeat of Julia Crimson (and subsequent promotion to co-boss along with former assistant Becca Saperstein) is a result of playing by Julia’s own rules, but turning them around, and is accomplished by the various people Julia Crimson has wronged banding together. When Prada was released, it featured a lot of backlash from former employees of Anna Wintour condemning the book as a mean-spirited gotcha, and that author Lauren Weisberger did not appreciate the opportunities the job presented her. This circling the wagons to defend treating employees terribly is not conductive to a good business environment, and makes the defenders look like they need to justify their own abuse (and is mirrored by the aforementioned unpaid internship defenses!) Nada‘s rejects this in favor of a socialistic workers utopia where the workers team up with a money man to eliminate strife and bring peace to the land (and get rewarded!) Not only does this unionization bring strength to the workers, but Julia Crimson is such a threat that people team together regardless of class affiliation to eliminate her as a problem. Nada offers a vision where hard work and creativity are rewarded, and by working together more is accomplished than everyone suffering separately. In this spirit, Nada defeats Prada in the messaging.

But The Devil Wears Nada is not without its own problems. Candy is coerced into sexual relations in order to save her job, and male characters such as the model Michael are willing participants. And as mentioned, Candy and Becca’s eventual winning of the editors-in-chief job is awarded by a male money man, showing that despite all their work, things still resolve because a male decides. If these tradeoffs are enough to keep Nada as a strong and smart women get ahead film, or if they condemn it to an also-ran status is up to the viewer. I feel that Nada sends more postive messages than negative, and this is doubly so considering it is in the softcore genre, a section of film where far too often women are just treated as objects.

The Devil Wears Nada

Colonel Sanders’ French impressionist painter cousin Pierre Sanders!


The cast list for The Devil Wears Nada is abysmal, with many people going uncredited. Luckily powerfred at SoftcoreReviews (NSFW link – http://www.sreviews.com/smf/index.php?topic=4619.0 ) confirmed most of the unlisted actresses (with some help from Jim!) So enjoy the mostly complete credits. Some actresses are unknown, and many characters don’t have spoken names. Wynorski packed The Devil Wears Nada to the gills with hot chicks, almost doubling the average cast size for one of these softcore flicks.

Candy Cane (Christine Nguyen) – The newest assistant for Editor in chief Julia Crimson, and unaware just what she is getting into. Candy deals with Julia’s increasingly demented demands that play havoc on her personal life. Eventually, Candy learns to be cutthroat enough to survive, and to play her own game of dirty.
Julia Crimson (Beverly Lynne) – Editor in chief of Lacy Lady Magazine, everyone calls her the Devil in case you forget where the inspiration comes from. Likes to dominate her employees in all aspects, usually by humiliating them verbally and sexually.
Becca Saperstein (Brandin Rackley) – Julia’s former assistant who brings in Candy Cane to help replace her, so she can finally move on to more advanced jobs. All of Becca’s prior replacements have all quit or been fired. Helps Candy when she can.
Sydney (Jim Wynorski as Franklin Pangborn III) – The world-worn director of most of the photoshoots, has to deal not only with temperamental models but also with Julia Crimson. Somehow still enjoys his job. Is played by an uncredited Jim Wynorski in a brilliant move.
Frankie (Kevin Van Doorslaer) – Candy’s boyfriend, who is angry that she has to work at a job and sometimes can’t get out of things, but somehow keeps making reservations and buying expensive tickets instead of learning to wing it. Is not exactly faithful.
Raoul Dibbens (Chris De Christopher) – Publisher of Lacy Lady Magazine, but he’s only the money man and Julia runs the show. She also has compromising photos of him.
Michael (Frankie Cullen) – Model who is doing a shoot for the magazine and gets roped into Julia’s sex games with Candy. Is not fond of Julia, but goes along with things until Candy bucks the system, the goes along with her.
Binky (himself) – The bird on Sydney’s cane who becomes a major character because that’s how The Devil Wears Nada rolls!
Paula and Veronica (Katy Magnuson and “Jane Doe”) – Paula and Veronica have a battle over a bikini that ends with a lot of nude making out. Because that’s how models roll.
Three Distracted Models (Ahryan Astyn, Bridgette B, and Codi Carmichael) – Three models who cause problems by not showing up on time to photoshoots, because they are lost. Only one of them got a name – Codi Carmichael as Rusty.
Opening Sequence Models (Lexi Marie and Jaymie Langford) – Two models in the opening scene of the movie with all the special effects of Hell that get them all horned up for each other.
The Devil Wears Nada

Don’t read ahead in the script if you don’t want to be spoiled on what the Devil is really wearing!

piranhaconda

Piranhaconda (Review)

Piranhaconda

piranhaconda
2012
Written by Mike MacLean
Concept by J. Brad Wilke
Directed by Jim Wynorski

This won $20,000 on America’s Funniest Home Videos!

Piranhaconda is like a mix of SyFy meets the softcore bikini film. Elements of both merge together while director Jim Wynorski returns to his favorite stomping ground of Hawaii. Thankfully, we don’t have a rehash of the Curse of the Komodo/Komodo vs Cobra/A.I. Assault script, and instead have something wholly new. While parts of it may not work, overall Piranhaconda isn’t terrible and gives enough death and destruction to knock it into mid-tier SyFy creature feature region.

Piranhaconda comes from the period where SyFy had begun to run low on monsters that exist in nature/mythology and needed to just combine fierce animals together to create new horrors. Sharktopus is the one that started this trend, which has expanded to include animal/natural disaster hybrids.

piranhaconda

This is a preview video only! Get the full movie with Membership Access of Creatures Sliming Babes.com, only $9.95/mo recurring!


Piranhaconda doesn’t waste time trying to come up with a fantastical origin of the creatures, it just throws out a line or two about how the monsters have always been there and just hibernate a lot. They even grab a supernatural name for their creature – Kepolo, a Polynesian river devil. In reality, the origin of the creatures does not matter, what matters is if things are a grand ol’ time while all the monster action is happening.

Let’s get this out of the way right now. Piranhaconda is a gigantic dong that slithers through the grass and attacks its prey, often spewing goo over the chest of female characters. I think we’ve moved a bit beyond subtext here into hilarity. The two Piranhacondas don’t like each other very well, which isn’t surprising considering what they represent, but they’ve also mated and dropped dozens and dozens of eggs. Throw that into the fake film being a slasher film, which have their own phallic symbols going on, and things reveal themselves nicely. So, yeah. Piranhaconda!

piranhaconda

When we put our heads together…it hurts!


Rose (Terri Ivens) – A producer concerned with work and handling the difficult actress on her film. Figures out all the dumb stuff Lovegrove is doing that’s endangering everyone.
Jack (Rib Hillis) – Jack and Rose, huh? I guess their hearts did go on! A stunt guy with the hots for Rose, Jack helps save the day while avoiding dating Kimmy.
Professor Robert Lovegrove (Michael Madsen) – A herpatologist who has spent his life studying the piranhacondas that killed his dad, and has finally proved they exist just in time to set them loose on a killing spree. What a nice guy!
Kimmy Weston (Shandi Finnessey) – Famous b-movie actress, known for the line “Suck lead, you hillbilly buttnugget!” Shandi Finnessey is very convincing on playing the spoiled brat, adding a charm to the role a lesser actress wouldn’t know what to do with.
Pike (Michael Swan) – Leader of the random heavily armed gang who kidnap several of the characters for “ransom”, despite being so weirdly incompetent their game plant makes little sense.
Talia (Rachel Hunter ) – Female member of the random heavily armed gang who sort of has a thing with Pike. Is one of the smarter members, which means she dies quick so everyone else can do dumb things
Piranhacondas (CGI) – A monster who chomps lots of people and pumps out dozens of eggs in between long hibernation cycles. Also goes in long quests for eggnapped eggs. Piranhacondas can even takes down helicopters. The origin of Kepolo, a Polynesian river devil. Like the creatures in Flying Monkeys, a mythological creature from another culture becomes a star in a Western film with a quick name change for how culture in the West would call them. There are hundreds of awesome monsters in cultural myths from around the globe, enough SyFy could make films for decades just on them alone.
piranhaconda

This happens every day on the 101-N

Desi Spiderman

Desi Spiderman (Review)

Desi Spiderman

Desi Spiderman
2010
Written and directed by “Surendra Hinabar”???

Only Desi Spiderman can get your whites white!

Desi Spiderman is ridiculous, but it knows it is ridiculous, and some of the things that are crazy are intentionally done so for comedic effect. Other things are just weird and who knows why they are that way. That’s what you get when you get a film that is a very localized production that blurs the line between fan film and local production. Desi Spiderman was made in Ghaziabad, India, and brings to mind the Superman film from Supermen of Malegaon. So in that spirit we are happy to watch Desi Spiderman and the ridiculousness there in. Because it is ridiculous.

Desi Spiderman

Desi Spiderman: More Patriotic Than You!


Desi Spiderman’s costume makes him look like a luchador by way of Dr. Seuss. He wears a red turtleneck sweatshirt, white gloves, gold spider mask with eye holes cut out, black pants and brown belt, gold shoes, and white circle with text in the middle of the red sweatshirt. The text is “Kanha Milk”, which I think had a sponsorship deal to help fund the film. But I’m not 100% sure, because there isn’t a lot of information about Desi Spiderman in English.
Desi Spiderman

Suck on this, Spiderman 3!


Surendra Hinabar is the name I found listed for writer/director/song lyrics, so hopefully that’s correct because I’m running with it. I don’t have any other names for the cast list, but whoever plays the Desi Mary Jane does a hilarious job of ridiculous faces during the fantasy musical and wistful daydreaming sequences. PAL Films is generic enough I can’t find anything about it. If it wasn’t for YouTube, this would pass one without being known by the outside world, which would have been a shame. What I think is the director’s YouTube Channel (labeled Navneet Singh) promises another film, but hasn’t been updated in two years. Maybe someday…. But until then, Desi Spiderman!
Desi Spiderman

No one supports the Broncos in my town!


Desi Peter Parker (???) – A childish man who plays games with children all day, then accompanies Desi Mary Jane during her walks. She feels he is a failure at a protector, which saddens him until he’s given the power of Desi Spiderman!
Desi Spiderman (???) – The hero India needs. The hero Desi Mary Jane deserves. Desi Spiderman punches bad guy after bad guy after bad guy. And does the laundry! Thanks to his Desi Spiderman powers, he can now date Desi Mary Jane. Desi Spiderman’s greatest power is teleportation, which he does all the time because that’s what real spiders are known for. Be sure to drink your Kanha Milk.
Desi Mary Jane (???) – Local woman who falls for the only available young man who isn’t a criminal, Desi Peter Parker. That is, until that dreamboat Desi Spiderman shows up and saves her. Luckily, they turn out to be the same guy. Spends most of her time daydreaming musical fantasy sequences, walking, and getting sexually harassed by random goons. And for some reason, the director will randomly zoom in on her boobs.
Desi Spiderman

Hey, I just realized you’re not El Santo!