Sexy Warriors (Review)

August 8, 2014ByTars Tarkas

Sexy Warriors

2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

I’m so fancy!

Sexy Warriors brings the Amazonian women of the Isle of Lesbos into the modern day, where two time travelers experience the modern world while on their respective quests. As usual for Bikini–>Retromedia–>Synthetic Filmwerx productions, things are a lot of fun and plenty of goofy stuff happens along the way.

Hey, put away the phallic symbol, we got enough subtext already!

There is plenty in this film to love. Things I am specifically glad about: The lesbian character Rita doesn’t get “turned” into a non-lesbian by having sex with one of the males. That there is a black character at all (rare as heck for a softcore film!) That the personal protection mentioned by Gail is mace and not a gun. That this is the only softcore I’ve even heard people discussing safe sex.

Any one of those things could be turned into a whole paragraph of praise by itself, but the combination is a win for everyone everywhere! All those points are things that make Sexy Warriors different from many of its contemporaries, even those from the same production house. Everyone is on point with the acting. Christine Nguyen fits right into the unsure girlfriend/mentor role, Jazy Berlin makes a hilarious fish out of water Amazon, Voodoo plays an arrogant loudmouth almost too well, Erica Jordan has fun playing the stern Amazonian lady, and Misty Stone better become a regular in these films after her awesome performance. It was also great to see cool dude Brandon Ruckdashel and cool dude Ted Newsom, even if both had little to do.

Take that, inanimate carbon rod!

Diana and Athena come from different Amazon tribes: Diana is from the River Tribe, while Athena is Queen of the Mountain Tribe. The Mountain Tribe looks down on the River Folk, and are the presumed rulers of the Isle. This adds a culture conflict to the already differing goals of the two ladies. Athena always tries to assert her will over others, only going along with Rita and Mark’s plans because Rita is a woman, and summarily taking it over once she’s on television. She agrees to Gail’s solution for the conflict, both due to Gail being a woman, and because it involves not having lots of men around, thus leaving the culture still in control. Athena achieves her goals, while Diana acquires an acceptable substitute for her people’s wants. Everyone ends up happy, it’s a wonder the Amazonians aren’t still around. Maybe they are, lying in wait, preparing to strike the world when we least expect it. Which would be right after a movie features them. So…Look out!

I just realized! We’re in a movie, none of this is real!

	Diana (Jazy Berlin) – Amazonian fighter from the River Tribe, is on a quest to help her people and becomes displaced in time. Now she must survive modern day Los Angeles all while experiencing all sorts of new sensations and avoiding her rival, Athena.
	Athena (Erika Jordan) – The Queen of the Mountain Tribe and vehemently anti-men. Follows Diana through time to stop her on her quest. Is focused on her mission, and becomes annoyed as she’s relegated to the sideshow.
	Gail (Christine Nguyen) – Owner of a semi-successful gym who is obsessed with ancient warrior ladies. Is sort of dating Eric, but things aren’t officially exclusive yet, thus she dabbles in several other characters. Finds Diana when she materializes in her gym, and shows her the ropes of modern society.
	Mark (Voodoo as Alex Boisvert) – Loudmouth gym patron who gets an idea to become filthy rich by exploiting Athena, but just ends up having filthy sex by the end.
	Rita (Misty Stone) – Gym patron who likes the ladies. She teams up with Mark to try to exploit Athena for monetary gain, but regrets the decision and leaves. Can more than keep up with Mark’s quick mouth.
	Eric (Brandon Ruckdashel) – Gail’s boyfriend who is in the middle of a bunch of stuff and trying to think through how their relationship should be. But he realizes he needs her.
	Mario (Alec Knight) – Friend of Gail who is into touching strange women inappropriately. He’s also really into women making him breakfast.
	Morty (Ted Newsom) – Morty is one of the most watched television hosts in history. Or at least by people who are relevant to the plot! Has Athena on his show, where she puts out the call to locate Diana.

Look, let’s argue about which Police Academy sequel was the best later, it’s time for dinner! Also, it was definitely Police Academy 3: Back in Training!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Stacked Racks from Mars (Review)

August 6, 2014ByTars Tarkas

Stacked Racks from Mars

2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

They got all this way before they realized they left Grandpa back at the gas station!

Earth is once again the target of alien conquest and alien lust in Stacked Racks from Mars! Invading aliens are always coming to Earth with plans to invade, and plans to have fun shore leaves, which almost always result in the aliens choosing not to invade. If there’s one thing humans are known for in the galaxy, it’s fucking anything and everything that comes to Earth. ALF, ET, Predator, Mac – they all pulled in tons of tail! Where do you think Disney gets the raw components for their latest generation of kids from?

Oh, forget the plot, let’s just make out!

Stacked Racks from Mars is another femalien invasion movie where alien ladies possess the bodies of Earth ladies and proceed to go on a sex spree. This time, the ladies specifically say they were conscious the entire time while the aliens use their bodies to have sex with random people. However, they don’t seem to be shocked at all by the experience of being possessed and coerced into situations of rape, and are instead more mad at their husbands, who have sex with the alien women. That’s a neat trick to try to dismiss the fact the women are being raped, and unfortunately I have to give demerits to Stacked Racks from Mars because I’ve never been comfortable with these scenes, and prefer everyone being totally down with getting down. At least this time the women are freed, unlike in Housewives from Another World, where they are trapped forever while the aliens control their bodies.

Stacked Racks from Mars is cartoonish in nature, with several scenes that are played up for ridiculousness. The ending especially, which gives off Benny Hill vibes and deflates what should be more serious repercussions. If you miss that spaceship set that gets used a lot in low-budget features, it makes a reappearance, complete with a sex scene on the table. All the other classic Retromedia/Synthetic Filmwerx stuff is present, from the usual core cast (with a few newbies) to the familiar music.

Wait, sex with aliens causes impotency???

	Vala 27 (Erika Jordan) – Experienced commander of infiltration and invasion missions for her empire. Despite her battle-hardened persona, still likes to engage in pleasures of the flesh in the local fashion.
	Isis 15 (Christie Stevens) – Fellow female alien conqueror. Is very interested in the pornographic transmissions of the Earth creatures. This is her first conquest/recon mission.
	Veronica (Beverly Lynne) – Customer service representative at Merton Products. Is married to Jim. Upset that her husband is always working on the weekends. Is possessed by Vala.
	Stephanie (Sophia Bella) – Fellow employee at Merton Products. Is married to Mike. Also upset that her husband is always working on the weekends. Is possessed by Isis.
	Jim (Voodoo as Alex Boisvert) – Drone worker at Merton Products who is always busy on the weekends at work, but he’s really busy doing something mysterious with Mike. Married to Veronica. Very bad at hiding, and at acting calm.
	Mike (Seth Gamble) – Drone worker at Merton Products who is always busy on the weekends at work, but he’s really busy doing something mysterious with Jim. Very good at hiding, but not at acting calm.
	Mr. D’Angelo (Ryan Driller) – Arrogant boss at Merton Products who doesn’t respect his workers, their wives, or potential HR and lawsuit problems that come with sleeping with the wife of an employee who is also an employee.

But we have no shelves, how can we stack?

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Sharknado 2: The Second One (Review)

August 3, 2014ByTars Tarkas

Sharknado 2: The Second One

2014
Written by Thunder Levin
Directed by Anthony C. Ferrante

How can the same shark happen to the same guy twice?

The Sharknadoes are back and this time they’re taking on the Big Apple! But New Yorkers aren’t going to just stand by and let their city get destroyed by a bunch of shark-laced tornadoes. Thus the people fight back, and more importantly, returning Sharknado hero Fin leads the fight against the sharknadoes. With Sharknado 2: The Second One, Asylum and SyFy step back into the world of viral creature feature movies, and score a monster hit. Not only was this the highest SyFy original movie ever (with 3.9 million viewers), but it’s also entertaining and fun. The action is bigger and more consistent throughout the whole film, leading to less of the pacing problem that the original Sharknado faced.

Sharknado 2 edges its predecessor with more ridiculous stunts and better graphics. The money shots are given a high quality look to better make cool gifs. The well-paced action provides continual entertainment, beginning with a ridiculously awesome plane sequence that just keeps raising the stakes and the body count. The excuses to get people moving around felt more genuine than Sharknado‘s goal post moving search for family. Sharknado 2 has what is the best excuse for not being able to reach someone by cell phone I’ve seen in a movie (the guy shuts it off so he can spend quality time with his son and not be distracted by work! So much better than random “out of service” shots or just ignoring phones altogether.)

Fin Shepard (Ian Ziering) and his ex-wife April Wexler (Tara Reid), who he is now reconciling with, are on route to New York City, his hometown and where his sister and her family live. But the flight path is right through the latest forming sharknado, and soon the plane is a disasterpiece that Fin has to land himself. Things become a desperate struggle to get his family to safety and to save the city from the sharknadoes, while chomping death flies in the skies and rains down on the people. Only chainsaws, buzzsaw hands, swords, guns, freon tanks, and a host of celebrity cameos can save New York City from nature’s wrath!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Death Curse of Tartu (Review)

July 30, 2014ByTars Tarkas

Death Curse of Tartu

1966
Written and directed by William Grefé

An ancient Indian curse strikes those that trespass on Tartu’s burial land, as Tartu awakens and transforms into animals to slay all comers. This cheap 1966 horror flick looks its budget, and comes complete with a good deal of padding. But underneath is the bones of a good horror flick, and had it been more than a rush job, Death Curse of Tartu might have gained a small cult following. For now, it’s place in on the Something Weird DVD alongside Sting of Death, the two classic Floridan horror flicks united forever.

Death Curse of Tartu was shot in 7 days, made in a hurry after Joseph Fink and Juan Hildago Gato from distributors Thunderbird International acquired Sting of Death, and needed a horror film to play with it as a double feature for the drive-ins. Unable to get another, they commissioned William Grefé to just make a new film, provided the production began immediately. Grefé spent 24 hours straight writing the script, and they were filming within 10 days. The basic concept was transplanting the cursed mummy type films to the Florida Everglades, as Grefé was based in Florida at the time. Florida was a compact B-movie hub from the 50s through the 70s, giving the nice weather of California with the closer proximity to New York in an era where cross-country travel was less common.

Grefé’s commentary has some funny stories, particularly when telling tales of the animal handlers he used for Death Curse of Tartu and a few others. There’s also some casual admittance that the animal handlers weren’t the nicest to some of the snakes, and a general fear of the anaconda used in Tartu that lead to the casting of snake handler Frank Weed, as he was the only one who would wrestle the snake. Grefé tells of when a tv news crew came to film the filming, and he struggled with the snake for their cameras, but the anaconda started constricting and it took four guys to get it off him. So maybe some tv news station in Florida has amazing footage in their archive, provided it hasn’t been destroyed by 50 years of hurricanes.

If you remember that old MST3K short Catching Trouble where this jerk named Ross Allen spent his day capturing animals, Death Curse could form sort of a companion piece. Some of the stars are actual Floridan animal capturers like Ross, as are some of the characters. There is even a Seminole Indian character, he’s also the only one with the smarts not to go to the cursed land, not blindly following a white master for money like Old Sourpuss from Catching Trouble.

	Ed Tison (Fred Piñero) – Leader of the expedition into the swamp to find Indian artifacts, and to meet up with his partner Sam Gunter. Whom he only finds the body of. Leads the fight against Tartu, which is mostly futile. Like many of the actors in Tartu, he’s a Cuban refugee.
	Julie Tison (Babette Sherrill) – Ed’s wife, who usually votes against his ideas. They seem to have a strained marriage, but maybe a weekend of fighting an Indian curse is just the cure they need!
	Billy (Bill Marcus) – An Indian guide who refuses to go into the cursed area. So he doesn’t, but he does provide a bit of expository dialogue.
	Cindy (Mayra Gómez Kemp) – Redheaded member of the teens who tag along due to their intense interest in making out— I mean, archaeology! Is a very good screamer, probably why she’s kept alive the longest of the cannon fodder characters. Marya Gómez Kemp went on to have a very successful career in Spain.
	Tartu (Doug Hobart) – An Indian witch doctor who cursed his burial land, declaring he’s slaughter anyone who disturbed it. Putting his burial land in the middle of the swamp 400 years ago seemed smart, until those darn white people showed up and keep trespassing. So they got to die! Tartu can turn into an anaconda, a shark, a rattlesnake, an alligator, and even the most dangerous animal. No, not gophers, man! This makes Tartu the original Manimal! Doug Hobart also played the monster version of the Jellyfish Man in Sting of Death.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Sting of Death (Review)

July 28, 2014ByTars Tarkas

Sting of Death

1965
Written by Al Dempsey and William Kerwin
Directed by William Grefé

How dare you complain about the Strategic Helium Reserve!

A Jellyfish Man terrorizes Florida in Sting of Death, and in so doing becomes one of the most ridiculous movie monsters in history. Not only is there a Jellyfish Man, but Sting of Death comes complete with it’s own rocking theme song, Do the Jellyfish by Neil Sedaka!

Sting of Death is important because the monster suit is ridiculous! He’s got a big balloon for a head! The rest of the costume is a wetsuit with partial monster slime glued on, but the gloves are painfully obvious thanks to some closeups. It’s one of the most ridiculous monster suits of all time. In fact, an list of awful monster costumes that does not contain the Jellyfish Man is suspect at best.

Yes, a Jellyfish Man terrorizes women. Aside from that, it’s a pretty straightforward Creature of the Black Lagoon ripoff with elements of other horror classics thrown in. It also has a surprisingly high bodycount and many characters who act like gigantic douchenozzles. Almost enough to make you cheer for the Jellyfish Man. So instead, I just cheer for everyone to die. I almost get my wish. Almost…

Sting of Death features plenty of women in bikinis who are manhandled (Jellyfish Manhandled?) and killed by the monster. The (obvious) villain is revealed to have all sorts of issues with women, but these types of films also explore the creators’ issues with women. Sometime there are so many issues that you have to put them into longboxes and sell them 6 for $1 at conventions. Let’s also just ignore how easy it was to transition into talking about comic books while discussing issues with women.

There was almost an unbelievable tragedy with regards to Sting of Death, in that the film was almost lost forever. In fact, when a print was located, it was in terrible condition and covered with mold, causing a scramble to try to find a lab that could handle all the mold and decay. Luckily for film preservation history, things turned out okay, and now that Sting of Death is in the digital world, where it will exist forever. Being spread around on tapes, DVDs, on-demand streaming, digital downloads, torrents, and all methods of media sharing.

Sting of Death is on a Something Weird double DVD along with Death Curse of Tartu. Both feature commentary by director William Grefe, and include some cool information about the filming. Grefe is well aware that he made a low budget horror film with some ridiculous effects, but that’s part of the fun. Through this we learn the bump on Jack Nagle’s head was an actual injury that had to be written into the film, but it looks totally fake, which is hilarious. Another fun feature is one of the actresses is named Blanche Devereaux, who you might recall is a character on The Golden Girls, which is set in Florida.

The scene set to “Do the Jellyfish” is hilarious because of the awful dancing. Every extra is dancing to a different beat and mixing up 1960s styles. You can’t help but be entertained by this sequence. Sting of Death was released in 1965, just as Neil Sedaka’s career was careening downward (his type of music was pushed out of the charts by the arrival of the Beatles, and Sedaka would be without a label by 1966), so this was a great get to have a former number 1 artist do the movie theme to such a ridiculous piece.

Parts of Sting of Death remind one of a beach party movie, but this goodhearted fun doesn’t last as some of the snobby boys begin mercilessly mocking Egon because of his deformity. While many of the women seem fine with this, there is one or two who object to the cruelty on display. Their protestations do little to stop the abuse, and will matter little later when the killing spree begins. The bad behavior makes many of the deaths much more satisfying, but Egon ruins all attempts to make him appear justified in his rampage. The bad behavior of the monster can’t be excused by bullying, he was killing before the party began and is full of excuses. The deaths keep him from gaining the coveted tragic villain slot, instead just turning him into yet another monster. He was treated like a monster for so long, he (literally) became one.

	Dr. John Hoyt (Joe Morrison) – Our generi-hero, a young handsome scientist who works with Dr. Richardson and has eyes on his daughter, Karen. Like all scientists, he’s a muscular manly-man who wouldn’t be out of place on the cover of one of those Men’s Adventures magazines.
	Karen Richardson (Valerie Hawkins) – Daughter of Dr. Richardson and a scientist in her own right, but not a career scientist, she only helps out. Is sort of sympathetic to Egon, but hangs around with obnoxious jerks a lot.
	Egon (John Vella) – Creepy hunchbacked one-eyed assistant who has an unnatural obsession with jellyfish. And there is a Jellyfish Man on the loose. Hmm… Has a habit of sneaking up on people. At one point is taunted by obnoxious party idiots. Has a crush on Karen.
	Dr. Richardson (Jack Nagle) – Famous Florida scientist who does research on marine creatures, which includes jellyfish. Is very good at convincing his daughter to bring down a ton of hot single college girls to help with the research. Why, yes, he’s single, how could you tell? Has a bump on the head.
	Jellyfish Man (Doug Hobart) – He’s got to be jelly, because jam don’t shake like that! Despite the enormous amount of jellyfish parts, Jellyfish Man retains his human intelligence, and murders and sabotages his way to his plans to destroy everyone out of hate. Especially women.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Sexy Wives Sindrome (Review)

July 18, 2014ByTars Tarkas

Sexy Wives Sindrome

2011
Written by Steve Goldenberg
Directed by Jim Wynorski (as Sam Pepperman)

Let’s do all the Seven Deadly Sindromes!

Sexy Wives Sindrome IS a Jim Wynorski joint, baby! So it follows all the Wynorski touches that make his films unique, from camera angles that peer around womens’ bustlines to characters acknowledging the camera. That also means we got a whole host of Roobie Breastnut songs making up the soundtrack (and, yes, Pussy Pussy Bang Bang IS in the film!) Additional music is also done by Chuck Cirino, as some of the scenes that use a score to help enhance the mood or are more serious just wouldn’t play right with Roobie Breastnut songs blaring.

The core of Sexy Wives Sindrome is relationship therapists who conduct unorthodox fantasy solutions to couples’ problems, which usually involve a lot of sex, and usually involve the therapist herself in a lot of the sex. You would think this would be a gross violation of ethical practices and cause a whole host of legal issues, but it turns out things are even more weird and bizarre than you could possibly imagine, yet the solution also resolves all the lingering problems. I think it’s hilarious how everything worked out in the end, and how the conclusion basically destroys any long ethical argument I could bring up, hence there won’t really be one for this review. I know, I know, you are all disappointed. You better hope the next one doesn’t have a game-changing twist!

What do you mean there isn’t a fireplace, only a big microwave???

There is plenty of pseudopsychological mumbo jumbo going on to justify some of the relationship issues. It basically boils down to couples loving each other and trying to keep things interesting for each other. You could argue that letting other people into relationships can potentially cause lots of drama, but let’s face it, these couples are all pretty much swingers anyway, so they know the score.

Coffee is the real sexy sindrome!

The title Sexy Wives Sindrome comes from the made up syndrome discovered by one of the characters about how men become afraid of their attractive wives because they are so attractive and the men just can’t handle the possibility of losing them. None of that is really worked into the relationships in the film, but it’s the title so it’s important.

But enough about your Psych 101 class, it’s time for the Roll Call!

Side effects include anal black tar discharge???

	Dr. Anderson / Jane Grabowski (Julie K. Smith) – Please don’t reveal the secret of Dr. Anderson really being Jane Grabowski! Okay, the secret’s out. Not like it wasn’t 100% obvious, Dr. Anderson didn’t even have a first name!! Works at the sex clinic, has a libido set to ludicrous speed!
	Nurse Kayla Belmont (Cindy Lucas) – Nurse and general office organizer at the clinic, spends the majority of her time having sex with the patients or the doctors.
	Mark Reed (Frankie Cullen) – Married to Diana, a boring stockbroker who loves his wife, so of course they are having problems.
	Diana Reed (Erika Jordan) – Married to Mark, worried about her relationship because Mark really loves her.
	Professor Jones (Michael Swan) – Owns the clinic where all the on getting gets on. Wrote the book on SWS – Sexy Wives Sindrome – thus the title pun is his fault! Get him!
	Shug Fisher (Tony Marino) – Oh, that guy.
	Lucy Saunders (Angie Savage) – One of the wives looking to improve her marriage at the clinic. Gets into fights with Mandy, because, why not?
	Mandy (Rebecca Love) – One of the wives looking to improve her marriage at the clinic. Is using a polar bear fantasy, according to the doctors. We actually see her having sex, but no polar bear is involved. Hmmm…
	John Saunders (TJ Cummings) – Lucy’s husband who is helping improve his marriage at the clinic.
	Mrs. Berg (Glori-Anne Gilbert) – Wife helping to improve her marriage with blindfold narration roleplay.
	Mr. Berg (Frank Harper) – Husband helping to improve his marriage with blindfold narration roleplay.
	Carol McGuire (Diana Terranova) – Murdered woman seen only in flashbacks.
	Scuzzy Guy (G. Gordon Baer) – Hides in the bushes spying on the Reeds, he works for Professor Jones.

Which one is the sexy wife, and which one is the sindrome?

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