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Polly Shang Kuan
InMovie Reviews, Podcasts

Infernal Brains Podcast – Episode 3 – Polly Shang Kuan

February 7, 2011By

Yes, we finally named the joint podcast, it only took three episodes! Maybe by episode 6 I’ll have the iTunes feed figured out…

Join Tars from TarsTarkas.NET and Todd from Die, Danger, Die, Die, Kill! as we discuss Polly Shang Kuan and some of the weird and wonderful films she was a part of in her career.

You can download the mp3 here (right-click, save-as)

For those of you who like to look at still photos while people ramble on about silly films, here is the video version:

Films discussed:
Fight for Survival
Zodiac Fighters
Little Hero

Previously on Infernal Brains:
Taiwanese Giant Monster Films Part 1
Taiwanese Giant Monster Films Part 2

Polly Shang Kuan

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Robogeisha (Review)

February 5, 2011By

RoboGeisha


2009
Written and Directed by Noboru Iguchi

Robogeisha is exactly what you would expect from a movie with that title. Needless to say, that means it gets approval here on TarsTarkas.NET. We got geisha, robots, robot geisha, dudes getting killed by geisha, women with various weapons built into their body, fake blood spraying everywhere, and women kicking butt.


Now, Robogeisha sounds like the kind of film that doesn’t have some sort of commentary on culture of Japan or the world, and you would be right to think so, except for the fact that you are wrong. The thing is, Robogeisha is unaware that is has such comments, so we’re really grasping at straws here. Giant, obvious straws.


The plot sort of follows the basic lines of Memoirs of a Geisha for a few minutes before veering off into insane territory. But we have the similarities with the sisters being rivals (substituting the Sayuri/Pumpkin rivalry) and the steel industry tycoon. I’m not saying Memoirs of a Geisha would have been a better film had it had robot geisha fighting a walking building, but it probably would have.


But first the cast…

Yoshie Kagusa (Aya Kiguchi) – Yoshie is just your average sister of a geisha who has supressed rage powers to kill kill kill. There seems to be a girl named Yoshie in almost every Noboru Iguchi film. Weird. Aya Kiguchi is a gravure model/actress, and we set up a gallery post as those are always popular.
Kikue Kagusa (Hitomi Hasebe) – Yoshie’s older, graceful, prettier, spoiled sister. Because jealous when her sister is a better killer than her, so endeavors to once again be the best and get all the attention.
Hikaru Kageno (Takumi Saito) – The long haired Hikaru Kageno is the president of Kageno Steel along with his father, and is the object of desire of the two Kagusa sisters. He also works with his father in a horrible plan to kidnap and brainwash women into killers, and eventually blow up a volcano. Takumi Saito was also in Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl.
Onna Tengu 1 (Asami Sugiura as Asami) – One of the two masked Tengu henchwomen who do the bidding of the Kagenos. Onna Tengu 1 was previously a girl named Yasuko before she was brainwashed. Asami is an AV actress who also appears in a lot of ultragore films, such as The Machine Girl and Mutant Girls Squad.
Onna Tengu 2 (Cay Izumi) – Cay Izumi is a choreographer, model, actress, and pole dancer and the leader of the gothic lolita ensemble performance team Tokyo DOLORES. And yes, they figure out a way to get her on a pole briefly during a fight sequence. Cay Izumi pops up as well in Mutant Girls Squad, Tokyo Gore Police, and was a Ganguro Girl in Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl.
RoboCastle (???) – He’s a castle, he’s a robot! He’s both these things, and he keeps his samurai armor sensibility!

InBad, Movie Reviews

Reign of Assassins (Review)

February 3, 2011By

Reign of Assassins

aka Jianyu

2010
Directed by Su Chao-Pin and John Woo

Reign of Assassins left me angry, not because it is a bad film, but because it could have been an outstanding film. Reign of Assassins had the potential to be an awesome and unforgettable film experience. Instead, we have just a good film, with parts I remember more because of how they could have been and not what they are. Yes, there are some great sequences in Reign of Assassins (RoA for those of us who are cool), mostly the action sequences (which is where it looks like John Woo just completely took over), but there are many other parts that look great in screencaps and as stills.

Interesting characters are introduced, only to be barely in the film or have suspect motivations, while other characters get far far too much screen time. Why we had like 30 minutes of the land lady vs. five minutes of the Magician I will never know. The villain’s big secret reveal was a let down, as was his secret identity. Why does the undisputed master of the biggest circle of thieves need a secret identity? And it isn’t even a secret identity that he uses to get information no one else can get, he’s just… Gah!

One is tempted to compare this to John Woo’s Face/Off, what with all the face-switching, but he didn’t write the film and seemed to be just hanging around the set all day telling Su Chao-Pin what to do. I guess he just sort of took over and Su Chao-Pin was so impressed that John Woo is hanging around he just let him. John Woo’s daughter Angeles Woo even shows up near the beginning of the film! So we can say that Su Chao-Pin got Wooed. Big time.

Just imagine one day you are directing a film, and then Steven Spielberg walks in and says he loves the script and wants to hang out on set. Of course you’re stoked, you are in the presence of a master and probably learn a lot. Then the next day, Steven comes back. And that’s cool. And he has tips and helps out your crew. Then he comes back again the next day. And the next. Soon your crew starts deferring to him and he virtually takes over directing most of the major scenes. The press gets wind, and suddenly your film is now “Steven Spielberg’s…” and his daughter is suddenly cast in it. Soon, no one even remembers who you are. Your star asks you to go get coffee. Spielberg is sent on a ten city tour to promote the film, while you get yelled at for forgetting the hazelnut syrup in the latte. Bitter and dejected, you then log onto TarsTarkas.NET, only to find even he is making fun of you. Your life is ruined, and there is nothing left to do but jump off the Empire State Building. But don’t despair, I think they got suicide nets now. Try the Golden Gate Bridge, it is still net free at the moment.

Now, I’m not saying that’s what happened on this film, I’m just saying they need to get the barriers on the bridge built faster.


So let’s start the Roll Call for John Woo’s Reign of Assassins!

Zeng Jing aka Drizzle (Michelle Yeoh) – Change your face, change your life. Also steal half of a dead body and realize you can’t really leave the underworld unless it is on a trail of dead bodies. Michelle Yeoh is famous enough I shouldn’t have to explain who she is.
Jiang Ah-Sheng (Jung Woo-Sung) – Zeng Jing’s husband with a secret of his own. He’s a delivery guy who enjoys hiding from the rain and being rejected by Zeng Jing. Until she finally marries him because we’ve wasted enough time in the village and the plot demands we continue on. Jung Woo-Sung was in Musaand The Good, The Bad, and The Weird.
Wheel King (Wang Xue-Qi) – Leader of the Dark Stone, the super thieves gang that rules the Chinese underworld. He has a secret identity and a secret. He also has a goofy nickname. Just because he did awesome on Wheel of Fortune and even scored a date with Vanna White, he’ll never live it down….
Turquoise Leaf (Barbie Hsu Hsi-Yuan) – Barbie Hsu plays a good crazy woman, you almost forget she can play likable characters (cough cough Adventure of the King), or characters that are the living embodiment of a gloomy rainy day (cough cough Future X-Cops).
The Magician (Leon Dai Lap-Yan) – The coolest character who is completely ignored and quickly eliminated. That’s what you get for not being a boring guy who likes noodles!
Lei Bin (Shawn Yu Man-Lok ) – The needles guy likes noodles. This guy is pretty boring, and throwing needles is something that you usually see women doing in martial arts films. Another Dark Stone assassins. Did you know Dark Stone members are called “Dark Stoners”? Now you do! Shawn Yu has been in the Infernal Affairs trilogy and tons of other films I have seen but not written reviews of.
Drizzle (Kelly Lin Hsi-Lei) – Here is Drizzle pre-face surgery, because she was played by someone famous so we’re namedropping her. Largely because Kelly Lin was in Asian Charlie’s Angels.

Detective Dee Phantom Flame
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame (Review)

January 28, 2011By

Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame

aka Di Renjie

2010
Directed by Tsui Hark

What they say: This is Tsui Hark’s best film in years, it’s one of the best films of 2010, Tsui Hark, Tsui Hark, Tsui Hark!

What you really need to know: Andy Lau gets into a kung fu fight with CGI deer.

Do you like yo-yos? Yo-yos go up and down, and so does Detective Dee. Some sequences in Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame are awesome, but other parts of the film are embarrassing and make you wonder why people were lavishing praise upon it.


If you’ve read any book on Hong Kong cinema that came out in the 90’s (which is when most of the books started appearing in the US), then you remember every single one had chapters on Tsui Hark. Tsui Hark was one of the Hong Kong New Wave directors that shook the industry to the core, and helped modernize Hong Kong film. Many of his earlier films are classics, though he had a few misfires. But even as the industry changed, Tsui Hark has seemed incapable of making film that is watchable since the mid-90’s. Those Jean-Claude Van Damme films were terrible, the Zu Warriors redux was boredom, and Seven Swords is a film so long that no one has ever gotten to the end of it. Despite all the technological achievements, Tsui Hark just wasn’t making good films anymore, and no amount of technology can change that. While Detective Dee isn’t a great film, it is at least the most watchable Tsui film since Black Mask, and something you should eventually get around to watching. You know, when it’s raining outside or something.


With Tsui Hark in the director’s chair, we are at least assured the film will look good, and it does. The cinematography is top notch. Elaborate CGI effects are needed to create ancient Chinese cities, palaces, giant Buddha statues, and underground meeting places – some are more believable than others, but you always know you are looking at a bunch of 1’s and 0’s in picture form. We do give props to action director Sammo Hung, as the actions sequences are the best parts of the film.


The stylized elements Tsui loves sometimes help the film, and sometimes hurt. As the opening scrawl is stylized to appear and disappear in wisps of smoke (which is nice), but a problem is the crawl is Star Warsian in length. In fact, the long text openings of Reefer Madness and Alone in the Dark are brought to mind. We are forced to read like half a sentence at a time, and have to wait for each piece one by one. It is what I like to call “annoying”.

Detective Dee (Andy Lau Tak-Wah) – Detective Dee is based on the real Di Renjie, who is a famous official during the Tang Dynasty. There have been countless books and references to Di Renjie over the years in both the East and the West. You should probably look them up if you want more information, this is only a small character box. Andy Lau is in every movie ever made! Just click on the Andy Lau tag to see all we’ve done…
Empress Wu Zetian (Carina Lau Ka-Ling) – Empress Wu Zetian is another real historical person, China’s only Empress and legendary for her ruthlessness. Though supposedly Di Renjie helped calm her down some. Carina Lau is also a real historical person, being an actress who has been in the industry for over 25 years and is married to the Tony Leung who is not in this movie.
Shangguan Jing’er (Li Bing-Bing) – Shangguan Jing’er is a made-up version of Shangguan Wan’er, famous female poet. As events transpire you can see why they went with a fictitious person for this character to keep with the stunning historical accuracy of the rest of the film. Li Bing-Bing was here before with white hair in The Forbidden Kingdom.
Pei Donglai (Deng Chao) – It’s an albino who isn’t a depraved mutant torturer! Although he does threaten people with torture… Pei Donglai is an investigator in the case who assists Detective Dee and whose own boss has burst into flames. Deng Chao is primarily a television drama actor.
Shatuo (Tony Leung Ka-Fai) – A former buddy of Detective Dee who now works in building the giant Buddha statue. This is the Tony Leung who was in 1992’s The Lover, not the one who was in Lust, Caution. Keep them straight!
Donkey Wang (Richard Ng Yiu-Hon) – A famous doctor hiding in the Phantom Bazaar, probably to escape taunting schoolkids over having the name “Donkey Wang”! Please don’t reveal the shocking secret of Donkey Wang. It’s good to see Richard Ng working again, as he is at the point in his career when he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to and can live in semi-retirement. I am a big fan of his through much of his earlier work through the 80’s and 90’s, including when he pops up in Future Cops.

Sex and the Central movie
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Sex and the Central (Review)

January 25, 2011By

Sex and the Central


2003HKMDB Link
Directed by Dick Lau Tin-Sze (credited as Angel Lau)

A Hong Kong take on Sex in the City, except entirely in Cantonese with no subtitles, except Chinese subtitles with the only English being the characters’ names (and they couldn’t even get that right!) Not that you need subtitles in this film, basically the girls try to make their way to the top by bumping uglies with any male boss that comes along. This all gets thrown on its ears when the bosses are tossed out and a new unseducable boss comes along. Beasts are made with two backs, fluids are swapped, and babies pop out and look at you. And that’s just the redeeming qualities. We don’t need no stinkin’ subtitles on TarsTarkas.NET, so let’s have at it!

Gobby (Gobby Wong Ga-Ying) – A virgin, who due to her virginitude dresses awkward and non-sexy. Because that is how it works. Is named May in the incorrect Chinese subtitles. By the end of the film she is no longer a virgin AND a snazzy dresser!
Sophie (Sophie Ngan Chin-Man) – Sophie is the leader of the hip group of office girls who use their bodies to get promotions and get into pillowfights at her place. Sophie Ngan Chin-Man has been in such fine films as Naked Poison, Beauty and the Breast, and Quest of the Sex: Rumble in the Women’s Empire. Whoever hired her for this one didn’t want to pay the extra money to get her to take off her bottom, so we got sex scenes where she’s clearly wearing underwear thanks to shoddy camera work.
Carman (Carmen Yeung Ga-Man) –Girl #2 from the group, tries to be the high class one who is also into spankings and dressing as a schoolgirl. Not paid enough to get naked. Incorrectly called Gobby in the Chinese subtitles, but we will ignore the subtitles because they are wrong.
Dao (Dao Hwang) – Girl #3 of the group In fact, only one girl was paid enough to strip off all her clothes, going all full-frontal on you! Actually, on Simon, but whatever. They manage to call her Carman in the incorrect Chinese subtitles, which leads to much confusion.
Simon (Eddie Lam Kim-Fung) – The new boss who comes to shape up the company because the previous bosses were too busy getting it on to get any work done. Simon seems immune to the advances of our Sex and the Central crew, but can Gobby seduce where so many girls have failed? Eddie Lam Kim-Fung has been in scores of Category III films, he is gunning to be the next Elvis Tsui Kam Kong!

Devil Monster
InMovie Reviews, Video Reviews

Discount Puppet Explosion 411 – Episode 106 – Devil Monster

January 19, 2011By

Discount Puppet Explosion 411 – Two teams battle by reviewing awful films for fabulous prizes or horrible non-prizes.

In this episode, Team Bastards attempts to expand on their 2-0 lead and drive the final nail into Team Jawesome’s coffin. But can Team Bastard handle taunts from Team Jawesome? More importantly, can Team Bastard handle the film Devil Monster, which has more stock footage than plot? Bad dubbing, white people playing “natives”, a lazy ship captain who is mysteriously angered by drums, gentle sea creatures horribly butchered on camera, and mischaracterizations of manta rays lead us to a depressingly inevitable finale.

Visit us on Youtube!

Below the fold, the secret, insane history of Devil Monster…

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