Do you want Search?
Random Post
Random Post
Search
  • Home
  • Category Archives: Bad
Search
John Carter of Mars
InBad, Movie Reviews

John Carter (Review)

March 10, 2012By

John Carter

aka John Carter of Mars

2012
Written by Andrew Stanton, Mark Andrews, and Michael Chabon
Directed by Andrew Stanton
John Carter of Mars
As you might expect, I’m a rather big fan of Edgar Rice Burroughs and his Barsoom stories. I have the whole series in old out of print volumes culled from bookstores across the country. I have many other Burroughs books and other pulp novels. I have the Guide to Barsoom and some other books where Martians show up, and some of the old Marvel comics. You might say I like this crazy fantasy stuff. So, yes, I was excited that we were finally getting our big screen Barsoom film. Then it got renamed John Carter.
John Carter of Mars
After 100 years, A Princess of Mars is finally coming to the big screen (if you ignore Asylum’s DTV Princess of Mars…) as John Carter. John Carter. No “Of Mars”, no “A Princess of Mars”, no nothing. Add to that all the other abysmal marketing Disney did for the film, and suddenly the rumors that this will be the biggest box office bomb in the history of the planet and the red planet as well started to spring up. “Whatever,” I said, because I’ll let the movie speak for itself. And the movie has finally spoken. And it’s good. Not excellent, but good. Good enough that John Carter (of Mars, dammit!) should be doing better at the box office than it is tracking. Good enough that the naysayers were wrong, even if John Carter (of Mars, dammit!) does lose a lot of money, it is not because John Carter (of Mars, dammit!) failed.

That is not to say there isn’t any problems. There are. Some are pretty big. But I’ll get to most of them. But a simple review like this right after watching on opening night doesn’t do John Carter (of Mars, dammit!) justice, so rest assured there will be another, longer, super detailed, mega-ultra-hyper-giga-supreme-double-secret-comprehensive review once John Carter (of Mars, dammit!) is on DVD and I can screencap and watch a bajillion times to my heart’s content.
John Carter of Mars

John Carter (Taylor Kitsch) – The fighting man of Mars with the super jumping powers and the getting into everyone’s business powers. I will say making John Carter a reluctant hero is boring, that’s been overplayed since the 90s. And capitalizing it with him having a dead wife and kid just makes it even more boring. None of that junk is in the book, John Carter is just a dude who fights. No one needs a giant backstory. I didn’t start this website because a movie killed my family, sometimes things just are.
Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins) – Now, I did not like what they did with John Carter, but I did like what they did with Dejah Thoris, making her a much stronger female character who still has the poise and confidence of a princess, even if she does human things from time to time. She’s also not afraid to fight for her country, the Dejah Thoris of the books does not fight at all and is more of a proud trophy that half the planet is trying to kidnap and marry.
Tars Tarkas (Willem Dafoe) – Jeddak of the Tharks and the guy who finds John Carter after he gets his ass to Mars. Helps Carter in order to help his secret daughter, Sola.
Sola (Samantha Morton) – Thark female assigned to care for John Carter, is treated as a screw up by the evil woman Sarjoka. Is unaware that Tars Tarkas is her father.
Woola (CGI) – Martian dog assigned to keep watch on John Carter, instead becoming his loyal companion. Woola’s best scene (and one of the more charming scenes in the film) is when he’s first introduced, as it both gives us a look at his character and is entertaining as well.
Matai Shang (Mark Strong) – The leader of the Holy Therns aka White Martians aka the bad guys. While not originally in the original book (Matai and his buddies show up in books 2 and 3) he’s here causing trouble to make a bigger, more cohesive arc between a planned trilogy. Matai Shang and his ilk are more technologically advanced than in the books and have a far more sinister origin and goal.

John Carter of Mars

21 Jump Street
InBad, Movie Reviews

21 Jump Street (Review)

March 9, 2012By

21 Jump Street


2012
Written by Michael Bacall & Jonah Hill
Directed by Phil Lord and Chris Miller
21 Jump Street
21 Jump Street is a hilarious and entertaining action comedy that manages to be a police story, commentary on modern high school culture vs. just a few years ago, buddy comedy, and meta humor behemoth. It far exceeded the meager expectations I had going into it (in yet another advanced free screening for the public – Tars has sold out once again! Dammit, Tars, stop selling out!) Updating the original series seems like it would be easy, as the plot (cops that look young are sent undercover into high schools) is simplistic enough that one fears the script being from the land of Generic. But no one working on 21 Jump Street hitched a ride on the lazy train, instead they shot for the moon, and now the moon’s head is hanging above their fireplace.
21 Jump Street
When I was younger, I watched episodes of the original series, but for some reason I can’t seem to remember anything at all about the show. Even being reminded by Wikipedia and a few fan sites has refreshed nothing, so I’ll have to watch a few episodes to get memories back. Or maybe my mind has been overwritten with more Martian secret agent memories again…
21 Jump Street
Meta humor is strong in this one, with characters commenting on their behavior, Ice Cube as the angry black captain telling people to embrace their stereotypes, and various goofs against remakes and police film cliches/tropes. The high school setting becomes a playground for skewering modern teenage culture with the texting and viral videos while the cops become fish out of water on multiple levels, Schmidt suddenly becoming popular while Jenko is stuck with hanging out with the chemistry kids.
21 Jump Street

Schmidt (Jonah Hill) – Former school loser turned undercover cop who finds new-found popularity thanks to how things have changed in the past few years. Becomes too involved in his fake identity as things begin to spiral out of control. Besides starring, Jonah Hill helped write the story for this remake.
Jenko (Channing Tatum) – Former jock who doesn’t like to study, who is accidentally thrown into the honors classes when put undercover at school. Jenko was the name of the original 21 Jump Street CO for the first few episodes before he was killed by a drunk driver. If there was a connection mentioned, I missed it.
Molly Tracey (Brie Larson) – Eric’s girlfriend who becomes Jonah Hill’s love interest as he tries to infiltrate/befriend Eric’s group.
Eric Molson (Dave Franco) – Drug-pushing hippie with rich parents who ignore him. Starts becoming in over his head, but too arrogant to back down. Dave Franco is James Franco’s brother, and looks like an “If they mated” for James Franco and Zac Efron.
Captain Dickson (Ice Cube) – Dickson is angry, black, and a captain. And proud of it.

21 Jump Street

InGood, Movie Reviews

Salmon Fishing in the Yemen

March 6, 2012By

Salmon Fishing in the Yemen


2011
Written by Simon Beaufoy and Paul Torday (novel).
Directed by Lasse Hallström

Salmon Fishing in the Yemen is a film about a ridiculous premise that becomes less ridiculous as the premise comes closer and closer to fruition. It is a journey of achieving what seems impossible if you just have a vision and drive (and unlimited money!) The film is very very British, complete with dry humor and accents that force you to pay attention. Based on the 2006 novel by Paul Torday, Salmon Fishing in the Yemen just sounded weird when I first heard of it, but a free movie is a free movie, so why not attend? And I enjoyed Salmon Fishing, so it was well worth it.

Once again, Tars has sold out and attended an advanced screening for free! But this time, they were peppering the Bay Area with so many free screenings of Salmon Fishing in the Yemen that it was hard to avoid wandering into one…. And as usual, we attend as members of the public and not as a critic, even though the critics get all the best rows reserved for them (and none ever show up! Lazy, lazy critics!) Director Lasse Hallström (Chocolat, The Cider House Rules) I have lost track of recently, though he hasn’t lost any of his charm since I last saw a film of his a decade ago. The film looks beautiful, with some gorgeous Scottish countrysides and Morocco standing in for Yemen giving us some great desert scenery.

Dr. Alfred Jones (Ewan McGregor) – a government scientist who acts in the proper British way. Stuck in life. But it is time for faith… No relation to the famous archeologists.
Harriet Chetwode-Talbot (Emily Blunt) – Investment firm member who is put in charge of the Sheik’s fishing plan. Emily Blunt tried fly-fishing for the first time on the set of Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, and accidentally hooked Ewan McGregor’s dog Sid during her first cast. Sid has fully recovered, and Blunt vowed to never fly-fish again.
Bridget Maxwell (Kristin Scott Thomas) – Bridget Maxwell is the press secretary and supermom who is the character you will be talking about. Can engineer miracles with funding and government help, but is still working for the Prime Minster and always in search of good PR.
Sheik Muhammad (Amr Waked) – The eccentric Sheik who came up with the crazy plan about fly-fishing. Is a dreamer and wants to bring waht gives him peace to his people.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Zone Fighter Episode 11 – Kanippatsu Gojira-no Sakebi!

March 4, 2012By

Zone Fighter Episode 11 – Kanippatsu Gojira-no Sakebi!

aka In the Twinkling of An Eye: The Roar of Godzilla! aka In a Hair’s Breadth: The Roar of Godzilla!

1973
March of Godzilla 2012
Written by Kazuhisa Hattori
Directed by Jun Fukuda

Godzilla is back! And Gigan shows up to get murdered! Zone Fighter makes up for the lame monsters of the previous episode by giving us what we want, classic Toho monsters pounding the crap out of each other. And more Zone Fighter murderous monster rampage.

Godzilla grows increasingly bored in these lopsided fights, he now only does them for LOL fight moves.

Another thing you learn thanks to Zone Fighter is that car racing in Japan at the time featured cars covered in taped on tarp for some reason. I have no idea why. Even all the windows (back window and sides) are covered, and the passenger side of the front window is also covered. All you get is the driver’s side windshield and an open passenger side window. And you wear goggles while test driving despite having a windshield.

The washing machine is off-center again…

If you are still Zone Fighter confused, check out the Zone Fighter Splash Page to get educated on the world of Zone Fighter.

Word to your mother
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Zone Fighter Episode 10 – Zettaizetsumei! Zoonfaitaa

March 3, 2012By

Zone Fighter Episode 10 – Zettaizetsumei! Zoonfaitaa

aka Zone Fighter Annihilated! aka Zone Fighter Destroyed!

1973
March of Godzilla 2012
Written by Motoo Nagai
Directed by Akiyasu Kikuchi

The title promises Zone Fighter destroyed? We can only hope… Because this isn’t anywhere near the last episode, so we know he didn’t die. Unfortunately, Zone Fighter is only destroyed by a mix of the Japanese Energy Crisis and bland ratings. What we do get are two monsters, a goofy gimmick, and Zone Fighter attempting to be creative. Which sort of works, but not well enough.

The dangers of cell phone radiation can’t be overstressed!

We got Shipudoro (& Tyler too!), a monster so lame that Zone Fighter doesn’t even bother to murder him. There is also Shadorah, who is connected to Zone Fighter in an intimate way. But that doesn’t stop him from getting brutally killed, as the crazed Zone Fighter continues to collect the scalps of anything that passes his way. If you are confused by anything in the Zone Fighter universe, check out the Zone Fighter Splash Page so all your questions can be answered.

Y-M-C-A!

The Garogas send a big orb to menace Zone Fighter, which he just shoots and it blows up. Of course it is all a trick as we’ll see later, but for now let’s continue with the story. The Zone family is suspicious but ignores what happens until Hikaru notices his shadow is now all wobbly and weird.

I’m not the Transformer Repungus, stop asking!

No time for doctor examinations, a monster is attacking the city! It’s Shipudoro, who is like a weirdo octopus.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Korean Terminator (Review)

February 29, 2012By

Korean Terminator

aka 터미네이터와 형사 곰팽이

1992
Directed by ???

Korean Terminator
Terminator Beyond Thunderdome!

It’s time once again for a Korean kiddie comedy that will make you beg for a bullet to the brain to ease the pain. Korean Terminator is just as awful as you think a kids Terminator film would be. Like most of these Korean children’s films, there is a ridiculous fat guy who is supposed to be comedic. We saw one in Super Batman & Mazinger V, and there is one here. Though I am not 100% sure, I believe these are the spawn of D-War director Shim Hyung-rae’s character from the Wuroimae films, which were popular enough many of these similar films ganked from them just as much as these Korean kiddie films ganked from Japan and America. There are also often characters with some random stylized anime characteristics, most notably a red nose or drawn on freckles or eyebrows, which I think is an artifact of many of these films having their subjects stolen from anime/manga properties. Though other films will be a mix of live-action and cartoons, Korean Terminator is 100% live-action, so the anime people don’t really seem to belong and make the film much more surreal than it should be.

Korean Terminator
Lady, you ask me about my salvation again, and I’ll Terminate you!

It looks like you can thank Jademan Comics Co. for this travesty, as that is the only thing in English in the “FBI” warning before the picture. Which is sort of funny because of the blatant copyright infringement going on in the actual movie. But do not steal this movie that steals so much from so many! If you are a time travel fan, you will be sad to know there is no time travel in this Terminator! There is only a guy who is turned into a Terminator by a crazy scientist who does stuff like that. Every once in a while there is an action sequence befitting a Korean children’s film, the rest of the time is mostly unfunny comedy. But we won’t get anywhere without knowing who we’re facing! I have no clue who any of the actors are or who even directed this. It was a minor miracle finding the Korean name of this film, which doesn’t seem to have an English translation beyond Korean Terminator (which is only the first part of the actual title!) There is also at least one other Korean Terminator ripoff film made around the same time, with a completely different cast.

Korean Terminator
The true story of Real Doll vaginas!

Terminator (???) – Terminator was just your average guy who like Paula Abdul until he’s murdered by goons, then he’s rebuilt into Terminator. The pre-Terminator guy doesn’t exist long enough to even get a character name! He spends most of the film wandering around until commanded to be good by Professor.
Professor (???) – Professor has a device the bad guys want. He also rebuilds people into cyborgs instead of taking them to the hospital. Never get a paper cut near Professor, or you will have robot arms before you can scream!
Photographer Girl (???) – A lady photographer who was going to talk to Professor right before he was kidnapped. Gets involved in the attempts to rescue him and stop the bad guys.
Yeong (???) – A goofy cop who spends most of his screen time making ugly faces and falling over himself. It’s hard to tell some times who is more annoying, Yeong or the Fat Evil Sibling!
The Evil Siblings (??? and ???) – The most annoying bad guys ever! The fat guy in the cowboy hat stutters and spends most of the film talking tough and then getting blown over by a gentle breeze. His sister is the whiniest woman in the world. Thankfully they both die.
Korean Terminator
I won’t be back! *SOB!*
Older 
7879808182
 Newer