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InBad, Movie Reviews

Helldriver

September 19, 2012By

Helldriver

aka ヘルドライバー aka Nihon bundan: Heru doraiba

2010
Written by Yoshihiro Nishimura & Daichi Nagisa
Directed by Yoshihiro Nishimura

Ah, Helldriver. How damn awesome are you? Pretty damn awesome! If you love the Japanese gore flicks where blood flows like an Old Faithful orgasm-quake covering everyone and everything as they scream, if you love films where zombies build things out of parts of other zombies like the world’s grossest Lego set, if you like chicks with chainsaw swords and cowboys in blade-covered trucks, if you like stories of loss and redemption and revenge, then Helldriver is a movie for you. Helldriver goes…FULL THROTTLE!! Ha! Okay, sorry, that will be the only car pun.

Another in the line of Sushi Typhoon crazed gore flicks, Helldriver features many of the repeat players along with some new leads. Yoshihiro Nishimura is the makeup effects wizard who also helmed Tokyo Gore Police, Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl, and a chapter in Mutant Girls Squad, along with a massive amount of makeup work in cult flicks. He keeps the tradition alive with Helldriver, and attempts to break new ground. Each of these features attempts to one-up the last one, going further and further over the top. But it’s important to be more than just gross. It must be entertaining. I’ve seen a few that haven’t been so hot. Helldriver is long, has a complicated back story, parts are redundant, and at least one part looks thrown in at the last minute just to add Asami to the cast list. But overall it is pretty cool and zips along.

Helldriver clocks in at almost 2 hours in length. Partially because they need to explain the setup, which is an alien zombie infestation that caused half of Japan to be walled off and the survivors forced to crowd into the remaining half, and the various cultural problems that it would result in (arguments over the rights of the infected, overcrowding and stranger families being forced to live together, lack of proper food, and an illicit drug trade based on the horns of the zombies, which can get you high but also randomly explode.) There is a brief bit of narration setting a lot of this up, then later Kika observes the same things herself after she’s revived.

Zombies play a major role in Helldriver, but Helldriver put some thought into their creation and mythos. This isn’t your standard Romero zombie where a brain shot kills them (thank goodness!), they are more of Return of the Living Dead zombies, but with one weak spot – a horn that grows out of their head. People were infected by breathing in an ash, which then dissipated after 6 million were infected. No one bitten becomes a zombie. Zombies are ripped apart and sewn together, creating new and horrible chimeras of destruction.

There is more than just the zombie element to Helldriver. There is a strong theme of family throughout the film. Many of the proponents of zombie rights have relatives who are infected. They even go so far as to bring body parts to their infected children to feed on. Kika has an adversarial relationship with her psychotic mother, Rikka, and her equally crazed brother Yasushi. Rikka literally becomes the zombie queen, and snatches away Kika’s heart just before she dies. Kika doesn’t die, both women are cocooned in space goo, Rikka becoming the queen while Kika being preserved until she’s revived by Japanese government and turned into an instrument of revenge. A generator is built into the hole in her chest, and it powers a chainsaw sword. She’s then abandoned until the powers that be can use her for their own ends to kill the queen. Her heart still lives in the chest of Rikka, cpnnecting the two together. Kika’s last memories are of her father being eaten and burned alive by her mother and uncle. Further flashbacks seem to imply that he was wheelchair bound as a result of their abuse, that everything the family ever had was taken by Rikka and Yasushi for their own. Rikka is so bad it is a wonder she ever even had a child, or a husband who is kind. But the family must have their reunion, Kika wants her heart back, wants to confront her mom for everything she’s done, and can’t ignore her because her mom can torture her through hurting her heart. Side characters deal with their own family issues, from missing relatives to ones that were killed by the zombies. These themes help build Helldriver into something bigger than it sounds like it would be, based on the title and premise.

And then it gets even more nuts when you figure out all the North/South Korea analogies!

Kika Miyata (Yumiko Hara) – Just your average girl from a troubled home whose psychotic mother eats her dad and tries to murder her just before being turned into a space zombie queen. Kika is then turned into a weapon of revenge against the zombie hordes, as she fights for the right to have her own life and be free of her mother. Easeir said than done, as her mom literally holds her heart in her chest. Yumiko Hara is awesome and can hit the right notes both in the action sequences and the family drama scenes. Nishimura uses how good she looks in action to great effect, there is plenty of visual eye candy.
Rikka Miyata (Eihi Shiina) – Crazed murderess cannibal turned zombie queen when a meteor crashes through her chest. Shiina plays Rikka as a mad goddess, dancing and spinning as the world burns around her, destruction and chaos is her playground. She does what she wants when she wants, and becoming a zombie only enhances her ego and lust for power. Eihi Shiina is a familiar face to cult cinema fans from Audition. Believe it or not, she has been in films where she’s not be a complete psychopath.
Yasushi Miyata (???) – Rikka’s brother and fellow crazy. Yasushi has a Nazi symbology thing going on, wearing Nazi patches and flags, and he even has a swastika burnt into his head by Kika (a la Charles Manson.) Is non-stop energy, a perpetual motion of manic crazy.
Kaito (Kazuki Namioka) – As Kika and her crew travel the zombie-infested wilderness, they are almost killed..until a cowboy shows up and saves them! Yes, a cowboy. Kaito here has been living in the infected zone after he found his wife dead. He even has an Ennio Morriconeish theme and drives around in a Helltruck, with giant blades on the front hood.
Taku (Yurei Yanagi) – Son of an orphanage runner who has resorted to harvesting drugs for money. Is saved by Kika when she first revives, and then he saves her. Is dealing with the legacy of his father, who was killed by one of the children he tried to save when it turned out to be a zombie.
No-name (???) – An orphan who barely talks and won’t give his name. All we know his he has a missing sister named Maya. And he fights with a giant blade.

InBad, Movie Reviews

Cougar School

September 17, 2012By

Cougar School


2009
Written by Ellis Walkerson
Directed by Demitri Nessun

Great, I forgot my Cougar Trigonometry homework again…

There is a lot going on Cougar School beyond just your normal late night Cinemax softcore romp. How much of that is intentional and how much of it just sprung up out of my head is probably up to debate. But it’s going to get covered here regardless, because that’s how we roll at TarsTarkas.NET! Cougar School gets the term in its name from the older woman who date much younger men. But there is only one cougar in Cougar School, and she’s more of a cougar gold digger, looking for young rich men. Of course, this is due to an age issue of its own, she was dumped by her husband for a younger woman. Even more ironically, the Stepmom was herself the younger woman that broke up the husband’s prior marriage.

One interesting thing is actresses who are real life porn starlets degrading characters who are porn starlets in the film. The characters seem like they’ve become mouthpieces denouncing the very thing the actors saying the statements are. The association isn’t that having sex for money is bad, but being unselective in who you have sex with for money is the problem. Going out and seducing millionaires is better than being a porn star, and you can only seduce millionaires of a certain age limit, as Mammary Lane is also degraded for her attempted marriage to an 85 year old. It is an unspoken rule that you can’t be too greedy. There is a line, an invisible line, that must not be crossed. Mammary Lane crosses this line, and she must be punished. It isn’t about strict morals, it’s about going to far.

Before we begin, we need to chalk it up…

Stepmom doesn’t even get a name in the entire film. She doesn’t even need a name, she becomes a concept, beyond the person. She’s everyone’s stepmom, everyone’s gold digger, everyone’s cougar. She’s everyone who’s had to struggle, but had one asset that landed them on easy street, with the constant fear that they might go back to scraping and struggling. She’s also sympathetic, especially when compared to the new gold digger in town. The one painted as bad, because instead of enjoying her new found wealth she plans on squandering it. It’s responsible cougarism that is the goal here. While the film doesn’t try to paint Stepmom as an angel (Karen flatly states that she broke up her parents’ marriage), Mammary Lane is clearly the villain. Stepmom has the wisdom of time guiding her to a more moral choice, while Mammary Lane is still in the trenches, stabbing everything she can. The air of some sort of moral class warfare hangs heavy over Cougar School. What is the lesson that we should learn from class? And can anyone pay attention with all the naked nudity???

How do you like my Picasso Tic-Tac-Toe painting?

While writer Ellis Walkerson has no other credits, director Demitri Nessun is credited with some episodes of Co-Ed Confidential and the humorous softcore thriller Naked Lust, which has gotten some positive reviews, making it stand above its generic title. Nessun seems like he’s unwilling to just give us a standard boring flick, and wants to do more. What is also interesting is this might be a spinoff of the softcore series Co-Ed Confidential, as both Michelle Maylene and Brandon Ruckdashel play characters with the same name on that show.

They invested all their money in Bitcoins. Even we aren’t that desperate!

Karen (Michelle Maylene) – Young college student still finding her way in the world, but pretty sure the way she wants isn’t the way to the poorhouse. But will the way of love be stronger? Or will the way of the cougar be too much of a lure? Is dating Zack at the beginning of the flick, when she finds out her father is leaving her Stepmom for an awful woman.
Karen’s Stepmom (Sydnee Steele) – Stepmom broke up Karen’s parents’ marriage, but now is facing her husband running off with another woman. I think Justin Timberlake had a song about this… In any event, in order to secure her future, Stepmom must now bag a young rich stud. Or try to repair her marriage. Whatever’s sexier!
Zack (Brandon Ruckdashel) – Remember in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation when Clark put up a bajillion bulbs on the outside of his house? Well, imagine which one of those is the dimmest and you get Zack. Good natured, Zack won’t be the latest dotcom mogul, but he does love Karen.
Mammary Lane (Persia Pele) – Former porn star turned home-wrecking gold digger. She was going to marry an 85yr old billionaire, but he died at the altar. Now she has her eyes set on Karen’s Dad….’s pocketbook! Unless she can land a bigger fish!
Karen’s Father (Randy Spears) – Karen’s totally stable good influence father, who keeps running off with upgrade wives. This time he’s gone too far.
Susan (India Summer) – Karen’s friend from way back in her camper lesbian experimentation days. Susan needs a place to stay, and Karen is happy to oblige on the final days before they get kicked out as well.
Juan (Jarod Diamond) – Susan’s ex-boyfriend, though they seem to have feelings for each other. Will these two lovebirds get back together?
Hi, I’m here to deliver a cease and desist on behalf of all cougars everywhere…
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

La Mujer Murciélago

September 14, 2012By

La Mujer Murciélago

aka The Batwoman

1968
Written by Alfredo Salazar
Directed by René Cardona

Even the corpse is checking her out!

Someone took a luchador film and a Eurospy film, blended them together, dressed it in a Batman costume, and flicked the gender bender switch. Thus was born La Mujer Murciélago (The Batwoman)! Gloria/Batwoman is a heroine who is heroic just because she wants to be, like most of the lucha movie family. Thankfully, there is a healthy love of monster movie magic and a case for her to solve and a monster to punch. But we suffer from some feminism that isn’t really feminism, Batwoman’s girl power is lacking. Although Batwoman is better than everyone at everything, she still faints and needs to be rescued by men from time to time. Girls, am I right?

Pisces got sick of taking crap from those Fry Guys and next thing you know he was on the run and the McDonaldLand Coroner was getting woken at 3am!

Like so many of the cool wrestling flicks, there is a mad scientist doing diabolical things, namely he’s trying to create fish people! He’s doing so by killing wrestlers and using their gland juices to power fish into becoming a gillman. So, yes, we do get a bargain basement Creature from the Black Lagoon, who is named Pisces and sort of takes orders from the evil doctor. This is the second Mexican flick I’ve seen with a fish man creature, the prior one is The Swamp of the Lost Monster (though there is a twist on that one…)

I give up! I won’t compete with you any more, Walter White!

As is obvious, La Mujer Murciélago lifts imagery from the Adam West Batman tv series, namely the costume. Batwoman wears a batmask for most of the film, and when she’s wrestling, she does it in a copy of the Batman costume. Otherwise, she’s running around in a blue bikini and a cape. How much the news of Batgirl’s introduction to the tv series during the third season influenced this film I do not know, but her costume does not indicate any of the stylings of Barbara Gordon’s. Batwoman even drives around in a black convertable that is similar in look to the Batmobile.

Hey, keep those hands at 10 and 2, Batwoman! And where is your seat belt???

Don’t be expecting this to be some sort of girl power flick. The entire thing an excuse to get women in skimpy clothes. Batwoman parades around most of the film in her bikini action outfit, including scenes of her diving and swimming around, and sneaking around in enemy hideouts. There are plenty of other women in bikinis for a few scenes on the beach. When Gloria isn’t Batwoman, she still wears stylish outfits including négligée that shows off her body. Oddly enough, the wrestling matches are least female exploiting of any of the sequences. Batwoman is in control, except for the several key scenes (and mean final joke) where she is not. Her biography given is one of a woman of great wealth trying to help against injustice, but her actual on screen showing is of a woman who runs around wearing little, attracting attention to herself. It’s an odd translation of the Eurospy stuff, her character is one of those secret agents, except a female version, but the transformation isn’t complete. They make her just tough enough to get the job done. And even then, fishman lust is the true hero.

Maura Monti specialized in these roles that were revealing but not entirely revealing. The Italian born actress spent much of her life growing up overseas and eventually settled in Mexico. Her better known genre roles before The Batwoman include La muerte en bikini (1967) and Santo contra la invasión de los marcianos (1967), and later she also appeared in genre pics El tesoro de Moctezuma (1968), Blue Demon, destructor de espías (1968), Las vampiras (1969), and Cazadores de espías (1969). She retired around 1971 for a decade or so, then returned first in theater and then to television.

I would be a millionaire if I sold women handles to movie monsters!

Gloria (Maura Monti) – Millionaire socialite who used her money to train herself to become the ultimate crime fighter and also the ultimate wrestler. Thus, she became…
La Mujer Murciélago / Batwoman (Maura Monti) – Internationally famous crime fighting lady who also headlines local wrestling matches all while wearing almost nothing at all, except a bit of trademark infringement.
Mario Robles (Héctor Godoy) – A special agent sent from the FBI to help out the mass murder case, and immediately calls in Batwoman.
Dr. Eric Williams (Roberto Cañedo) – A retired surgeon who collects fish. Oh, and he’s murdering wrestlers in order to create man fish hybrid creatures because he’s mas loco. His face is burned by Batwoman halfway through the film.
Pisces (???) – the Gillman created by Dr. Williams who will soon be kidnapping women at an ocean near you!
No. 1 / José (David Silva) – Henchman of Dr. Williams who pretends to be blind. He finds new victims for the doctor.
Do I…or don’t I??? I don’t even know anymore!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Four

September 11, 2012By

The Four

aka 四大名捕

2012
Script by Gordon Chan Ka-Seung, Frankie Tam Gong-Yuen, and Maria Wong Si-Man
Directed by Gordon Chan Ka-Seung and Janet Chun Siu-Jan

Emotionless spends 99% of the film looking at people like this

What if X-Men was a confusing mess with too many characters, little character development, and an over-reliance on visual effects vs. telling a good story? Besides X-Men 3, you’d also get The Four! Gordon Chan trades mutant powers for qigong skills in this big budget production that follows the trend of Mainland cinema relying far too much on visual effects to carry weak scripts and bland characters. While The Four does deliver some nice looking sequences, overall it fails to achieve its goal of being entertaining, and even fails to wrap up any plot lines in the film. The Four seems to go out of its way to make sure nothing happens.

Don’t worry, the obligatory scene where all the main characters fight for no reason still happens.

The latest update of prolific (and troubled) Malaysian writer Wen Ruian’s work, The Four has been adapted numerous times for television in Hong Kong, Taiwan and Mainland China. Featuring four male detectives with special powers who work directly for the Emperor and solve problems, this version is distinct for two reasons: It is the first big budget film adaptation, and one of the male characters has been made female. Even China is changing characters around to try to attract broader demographics! In general, I have no problem with that practice. But this specific case causes some problems, as discussed below.

I’ll show them, I’ll build a real clockwork orange!

Emotionless (Liu Yi-Fei) – Emotionless can read minds/souls, has telekinesis, in a wheelchair…but she’s not a Roman numeral professor or anything! The most powerful and smart member of the Divine Constabulary, but also has handicaps because why else would there need to be three more of them? In the original stories, Emotionless is a man.
Cold Blood (Deng Chao) – Cold Blood has a demon trapped inside him that comes out when he’s angry and a sword that glows green, but he’s totally not a rip off of the Hulk. Don’t think like that! Cold Blood has legendary sword skills, and legendary puppy finding skills. He worked for Department Six Constabulary until he was fired and then got a job with Divine Constabulary, but he still reports to his old Department Six Constabulary boss.
Iron Hand (Ngai Sing) – Despite the fact he’s named Iron Hand, he seems to be a bit closer to stark copy of a Marvel hero, thanks to his great ability to built things in the forge. Electrical powered things. Including wheelshairs. In ancient China.
Life Snatcher (Ronald Cheng Chung-Kei) – A bounty hunter who specializes in tracking down people who have debts for a price. He gets mixed up in the mess in the beginning of the film, but Zhengwo recognizes his skills and offers him a job. He’s reluctant at first to join up due to it interferring with his criminal underworld connections, but ends up becoming one of their best agents (he is one of The Four, after all!)
Zhuge Zhengwo (Anthony Wong Chau-Sang) – Leader of Divine Constabulary working directly under the Emperor. His unorthodox working styles is often criticized for not showing the proper respect, usually by stuffy-shirt nobles who are up to no good. It is sort of funny to see the star of films such as Ebola Syndrome given the wise and respected leader role.
Ji Yaohua (Jiang Yi-Yan) – The leader of a new crew of female constables that were hired by Division Six Constabulary. She starts crap from the moment of her introduction, and is working for the bad guy. A Penglai kung fu master with questionable loyalties… aka she’s evil!
I’ve heard of the Bride with White Hair, but this is ridiculous!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Kick

September 10, 2012By

The Kick

aka 더 킥 aka วอนโดนเตะ!!

2011
Story by Prachya Pinkaew
Screenplay by Lee Jong-suk Lee
Directed by Prachya Pinkaew

Thai and Korean co-production The Kick shot on people’s radar for two reasons: Director Prachya Pinkaew, and Jija Yanin having a supporting role in the film. That’s all that was reported, and for the longest time it was hard to tell what kind of role Jija even had in the flick. Well, time has passed, and now The Kick is available on DVD and we can see Jija has a substantial supporting role in the last 2/3rds of the flick and participates in several fight scenes. There is also plenty of other action from the Korean actors, but the film does drag at points due to pacing and humor issues. It is far from Prachya Pinkaew’s best work. It’s almost another Jakkalan, though it does give us an interesting Korean/Thai hybrid film, something I don’t think there are too many examples of.

Though I thought I wouldn’t care about the Korean family, they began to grow on me (except for the young kid!) and even though they spend a good amount of time yelling at each other, they also come together to deal with bigger threats. Each family member has a different martial arts move skill, and the fights jump from solo to various pairings to group fighting. Unfortunately due to the amount of characters we rotate through the scenes quickly when all hell is breaking loose. The fight scenes in the last 20 minutes are great, but they also make the prior 90 minutes look terrible. I wish it had been more consistent on the choreography. In fact, I’d probably suggest just skipping until the end for most casual fans and people who don’t like putting up with nonsense.

Prachya Pinkaew has become a household name in martial arts film fan circles, with Ong-Bak, Tom-Yum-Goong, and Chocolate under his belt, and several upcoming films that look to be awesome as well. Several of the stars are members of the Korean Tigers tae kwon do group.

Moon (Cho Jae-hyun) – Father of the clan who is dealing with his own family issues and expectations while trying to raise his own children and instill similar values on them. Cho Jae-hyun headlines many Kim Ki-duk films. He’s also somewhere in Love So Divine
Yoon (Yea Ji-won) – Mom of the family who uses her skills for cooking. Most of her fights are comedic in nature.
Tae Yang (Taejoo) – Older son of the family and aspiring dancer. His dad is not too fond of his dancing dreams, even though Tae Yang incorporates the martial arts in his dancing. Often runs into trouble for some reason, he just must have awful luck. Taejoo sometimes is credited as Na Tae-joo.
Tae Mi (K Kim) – The lone daughter who plays soccer with the tae kwon do skills she learned from her father. Usually runs across her brother getting into random trouble. K Kim is also known as Kim Kyung-suk, she is a World Tae kwon do champion
Wawa (Jeeja Yanin) – Niece of zoo owner and friend of the family Mum, and the girl Tae Yang tries to impress. Has mad skills. See more Jija in Chocolate, Raging Phoenix, and Jakkalan.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Duelist (Review)

September 8, 2012By

Duelist

aka 형사 aka Hyeongsa

2005
Written by Lee Myung-se and Lee Hae-kyeong
Based on the comic by Bang Hak-ki
Directed by Lee Myung-se

Stylish visuals and Ha Ji-won can’t save Duelist from the horrors of mediocrity. They try so hard! But close only counts with horseshoes and hand grenades. Duelist suffers a few too many flaws to for me to recommend it, though I can appreciate the type of film it was trying to be. It’s an anachronistic tale of ancient detectives working against an attempted coup plotted against the Korean king, complete with stylized visuals that will remind you of MTV editing. But it’s actually a film about two people connecting, people on opposite sides of a conflict. And the tragedy that results. This is a Korean film, after all!

As longtime readers (all 3 of you) know, I’m a sucker for crazy visualizations in film. Especially when they’re integrated so well into the film they become indispensable. Parts of Duelist achieve this goal. But other parts do not, the visuals become a distraction at best, and a problem at worst. There are lots of scenes that transition not by normal cuts, but instead by the camera sweeping into the new scene and the old scene becomes the new. That was neat. I wasn’t so keen on the montages that features a lot of scenes fading in and out, but parts never fully fading in, just imprinting on the scene. It seemed more like the film was trying to remind us of what the characters were feeling and thinking about, even though we should know just by virtue of paying attention.

Duelist takes its music queues from throughout the world and throughout time, so European circus tunes and classic Korean music are both used to set whatever mood is needed. Even the noises of crowds cheering are dubbed in despite a lack of such crowds, to make us know that an action is worth our admiration.

The action scenes work well when it’s limited to two combatants, but the larger battle sequences don’t feature the drama and intimacy of the film’s duels (and the intimacy isn’t helped by the larger sequences featuring lots of overhead shots of crowds instead of shots in the battles. Lee Myung-se does his preferred smaller fights with a mix of slow-motion and sped-up choreography, which both shows off the dueling as a loving slow dance, and as a wild and furious clash of emotions. The duels often aren’t about fighting, but have a larger emotional meaning.

Duelist comes from a time when Korean cinema was riding high, atop the world. But that horse was getting tired, and the world is ever-spinning. Bearing that in mind, I still judge Duelist against its contemporary films and the quality of the work that was being released at the time. Duelist does not measure up. Were it released today, it would be regarded as a mini-masterpiece. But in the middle of the shuffle of some of the greatest cinema to come out of the peninsula, Duelist barely registers.

Detective Namsoon (Ha Ji-won) – Rookie detective who is focused on her mission to the point of not thinking of her own safety. Skilled with weapons and headstrong. She also makes the sassy faces that Ha Ji-won is known for. Ha Ji-won’s other films on TarsTarkas.NET include Sex is Zero, Love So Divine, and Sector 7.
Gu Janggon (Kang Dong-won) – The person of interest for the investigation about the coup and the assistant to Minister Song. He acts like so many long haired aloof anime/manga heroes that female characters fall for (this IS based on a comic book!), so of course Detective Namsoon falls for him, and he falls back. But, duty, honor, all that garbage. See Kang Dong-won as non-anime in Too Beautiful To Lie
Detective Ahn (Ahn Sung-gi) – Namsoon’s brash and drunken mentor, is sort of looked down on despite the fact everyone acknowledges he’s a great detective.
Minister Song Pil-joon (Song Young-chang) – A totally not suspicious evil military minister.

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