The Stealth Sex Fiend

September 2, 2013ByTars Tarkas

The Stealth Sex Fiend

aka 隱形淫魔之勇擒貴利雙柴 aka Invisible Erotomania

2003
Written and directed by ???

Invisible dudes love reading porn!

People ask me all the time “Tars, why do you watch those terrible cheap foreign softcore films that have no redeeming value and are terrible and bad and terrible? Also, where can I get a copy?” And I like to remind myself and the world that even these terrible terrible films have value. These films say things, show things, and reveal much about relationships and gender roles in their country of origin (as well as what country’s porn is influencing them!) that regular budgeted cinema fails to do. While many of those films operate under a layer of characters and nuance and meaning, some of these softcore flicks are just a stripped-down raw look into their culture. Many are terrible because they have no money, but also because they show things that are terrible. I’m not saying that The Stealth Sex Fiend has some sort of double-secret true meaning of life, or that watching smut will change the world. But it might just make someone understand things somewhere a tiny bit more. And that’s not so bad, is it?

What do you do when you want to make a movie starring some ugly dude going invisible and getting his rape on when you got no money? You have him wear a goofy purple bodysuit and give it wavy effects! Sure, it doesn’t work at all, but you do have one of the creepiest softcore sex scenes ever.

Suddenly a Fringe Festival breaks out!

Okay, I’ll level with you, I watched this only because I heard the effects for the invisibility were ridiculous, and I was not disappointed. Imagine a guy in a purple bodysuit and some video toasters swirly effects that try to make it look all Predator-vision. Even though Predator-vision makes no sense for how someone is invisible. The only half-way decent thing that happened in this film was the ending, which will be spoiled, because if anyone cares what happens at the end of The Stealth Sex Fiend, then you deserve to be launched into the sun.

Our Hero (in that he heroically turns invisible to rape women while his girlfriend is kidnapped) is murdered by said kidnapped girlfriend in retaliation for him abandoning her. As Our Hero was a disgusting idiot, it is a joyous thing to watch him be killified dead. A happy ending that we deserved for sitting through this junk.

Who would have thought Predator vs.The Blue Man Group would be so boring?

The Stealth Sex Fiend is a film that it’s hard to find any real information on in English. Everything is the same two-three copy/pasted synopses that don’t even agree on the English name of the title, and even the HKMDB has not bothered giving an entry. It’s a film that people would rather be forgotten, a film that is just terrible and depicts terrible acts. A film that turned on its own main character. Back when nudie cutie films were first being shown, there was a subgenre known as roughies, which featured the nudity but also people being killed. The situation was that because they couldn’t show sexual release, the release of all the pent up feelings of the audience was depicted by characters being killed. The Stealth Sex Fiend inadvertently follows this point in a modified manner, the pent up terribleness becomes a force that has to be unleashed, killing the main character, otherwise people would just go bonkers. I’m talking end of the world scenario here. The Stealth Sex Fiend both inadvertently caused and then prevented the end of us all. It is one of those scary things that no one will ever know about except a few brave souls who watched a terrible movie about a invisible rapist who was really purple.

We can’t find a reliable cast list, and you better believe there wasn’t any subtitles. But at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!

I will give the women in this movie credit: They do keep clean!

	Guy (???) – Our hero, to ugly and lazy to get a job, but not to buy weirdo sex pills from a shady guy. Doesn’t really care for his girlfriend.
	Invisible Guy (???) – He’s invisible! I certainly can’t see him, and neither can you. Invisibility gives him the boldness to do things he wouldn’t do if he wasn’t in a purple bodysuit. I mean, if he wasn’t invisible. Because he’s totally invisible.
	Sui-Fong (???) – The girlfriend of the main character, she spends most of her time either working out or being kidnapped. Is not fond of being left at the kidnappers’ place by a jerk boyfriend.
	Narrator (???) – Narrates out story and sells weirdo sex pills to the main character, thus propelling the story forward. Was this whole movie just an elaborate ruse for Narrator to kill of the main character and collect a life insurance policy? I have no proof, but I say yes!

Somehow I don’t think this is the guy’s apartment…

InGood, Movie Reviews

My PS Partner

September 1, 2013ByTars Tarkas

My PS Partner

aka 나의 P.S. 파트너 aka Naui P.S. Pateuneo aka Whatcha Wearin’?

2012
Written by Byun Sung-Hyun, Kim Min-Soo, and Kim Soo-A
Directed by Byun Sung-Hyun

Filthy talk with no filter mixed in a romantic comedy package gives us My PS Partner. But don’t be fooled, this film doesn’t lean on its frank sex talk, that’s just icing on the total package. The male character Hyun-seung is suffering from a recent breakup after seven years with the girl, complete with the mental trauma from all the highs and lows. Yoon-jung is coasting her way through her long relationship with a boyfriend who can’t be bothered to even propose after five years, and spends all his time at work (work sometimes being a female coworker’s vagina!) Her malaise as she follows the trajectory everyone and society has set for her is heartbreaking, and her fantasy sequences of actually standing up for herself just compound the sorrow.

Korean romantic comedies are one of my favorite genres, because they never just stick to romance and comedy, but their emotions run across the entire map. It’s not unusual for characters to be dealing with deep emotional trauma in between scenes of slapstick comedy. My PS Partner was on my radar while still filming thanks to the rumors it was going to be raunchy. It’s that in spades, but the portraits of the two damaged souls that are united by a simple misdial are vivid.

In an attempt to spice up her love life (or at least get her boyfriend to stop spending all his time on spreadsheets), Yoon-jung calls him for some phone sex (the PS of My PS Partner) and demands he not talk, just listen. Thus some full-fledged sensual phone sex action takes place, except thanks to a misdial (Yoon-jung was unable to transfer her addressbook into her new phone and had to do them all manually) she instead dials Hyun-seung, who is confused and then thinks it is some sort of phone sex line.

What starts out as a misdialed phone call turns into much more as the two begin talking. Soon they become more connected, freed by the semi-anonymity afforded by the phone. Eventually they meet and get closer, but both of them are still on their own paths. It becomes apparent the two are meant to be together, but will that happen or will Yoon-jung sleepwalk her way into a terrible marriage and Hyun-seung live with regret? Also what color panties are you wearing?

	Hyun-Seung (Ji Sung) – Hyun-Seung first appears as strangely angry, though we quickly learn he’s recently broken up from a 7 year relationship with So-Yeon, and is not taking the fact she has a new (and successful!) boyfriend so fast very well. Hyun-Seung hits his bottom soon after getting the misdial from Yoon-Jung, and with her help begins putting his life in order.
	Yoon-Jung (Kim A-Joong) – Yoon-Jung is first a voice on the phone, sexing up Hyun-Seung while mistaking him for Seung-Joon. But disappointment in her own personal life (as well as virtually being cut off from anyone to talk and share with) causes her to open up to Hyun-Seung during his drunk redial. The two bond over the shared pain of disappointment and frustration. But Yoon-Jung still stays with her man, who does nothing except the wrong thing, because she feels some sort of societal obligation.
	So-Yeon (Shin So-Yul) – Hyun-Seung’s ex-girlfriend. The two dated for seven years, with So-Yeon often supporting Hyun-Seung and his unsuccessful singing career. The fights became too frequent, but the pair had real feelings and their relationship looms as a shadow over them both.
	Seung-Joon (Kang Kyeong-Jun) – Yoon-Jung’s terrible boyfriend, who is too busy working, too busy being controlling, too busy cheating, and too busy not proposing. He’s a successful businessman and what Korean society says is an A+ choice, but he’s a real D – dull and a dick!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Hwarang-V Trio (Review)

August 25, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Hwarang-V Trio

aka 화랑브이삼총사 aka Hwarangbeu-i samchongsa

1987
Written and directed by Kim Yeong-han

With Hwarang-V Trio, we return again to the world of Korean children’s film, a hive of scum and villainy that makes Mos Eisly look like a church choir. Previously, we got stuck on this detail with Super Batman & Mazinger V and Alien Lightning Dragon, and you can expect many more soonter than later. Because if I have to suffer, YOU have to suffer, dear readers! I’m also going to reveal my ignorance in anime robots, so forgive me if I don’t immediately identify popular robots I don’t know anything about if they’ve been ripped off for the cartoon robots in Hwarang-V Trio. Which is highly likely. The main robot is off his animation model so much they might not have even been using the same model.

Hwarang-V Trio features a whole host of enemies each with a ridiculous costume culled from the finest props left over from the dozens of other Korean kiddie films. Or maybe some of these costumes are even new, it’s not like we’d be able to tell the difference, and they’re surely used again in later films.

With that in mind, I’ve dubbed the villainous crew the Evil Circus, because their colorful costumes and presence of an evil Clown lend that thought to mind. I’ve tried to list all of the villains I could, but many just are standing around doing nothing in the background before their untimely death by cartoon robot, so don’t expect much!

Both the Evil Circus and the heroic band of random children suffer from the same affliction – their numbers randomly increase and shrink, often during the same scene. Characters never seen before join up for an important search of fight sequence and then are never spied again. It’s almost as if the filming was as haphazard as the watching. Despite all the confusion, there is a sort of basic plot of a space princess, annoying children, an evil space queen, and giant robots murdering people. This is why you never get involved in space royalty, the body count racks up so high in the sky that you can’t go twice as high as a butterfly. Because you’re dead!

Director and writer Kim Yeong-han was involves in several Korean kiddie films, including directing/writing duties on Robotstar Zanga and it’s sequel, Star Zanga Z Mazinga V Super Betaman – which we know as Super Batman & Mazinger V! Besides him, the cast list is impossible to connect names to faces without some outside help, so unless that help shows up in the comments, everything will remain a mystery…

As usual, there are no subtitles (and at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!) so everything that happens ranges from conjecture to confusion. But it’s not like things here will make much sense even with pop-up annotation.

	Sky, Earth and Typhoon (???) – These three knuckleheads “inherit the spirit of Hwarang” – which means they get powers from the space Princess Lanka and her weird Helper Guy. They eventually get around to being heroes and then fight the villains with their Power Ranger costumes. They also may or may not have control over the three-part vehicle that shows up at the end of the film to kill everyone bad.
	Ae-ri and Princess Lanka (???) – Ae-ri is the girl in the group who also gets super powers, except she doesn’t get to use them as much because she’s a girl. Princess Lanka is the reason everyone is fighting, the villains want her for reaons unknown, so she uses the heroic children that she puts in harm’s way to help defend her life of space princess privilige. Since Ae-ri is supposed to be Air, that makes the four kids the four elements, even though this film is about a trio. That is the caliber of writing quality you can expect from Hwarang-V Trio.
	Dr. Baeng-deok (???) – A scientist guy who spends far too much time around a group of children. The only adult in the film who isn’t dressed up as a villain, Dr. Baeng-deok turns garbage into science equipment and helps fight the Evil Circus.
	Helper Guy (???) – The Princess’s former bodyguard, who lost the job after he dies. But he does manage to give the Earth kids super powers before he croaks. I am not sure if he is supposed to be a robot or an alien.
	Robot (???) – Princess Lanka’s space robot who comes to kick butt and kick more butt. May or may not be named Hwarang-V.
	Gorilla Guy (???) – He’s a gorilla guy with skull shirt!
	Gorilla Guy #2 (???) – He’s a gorilla guy with bat mask and vampire fangs and skull shirt! Obviously this means a higher rank…
	Space Alien Lizard Guy (???) – Hangs out in the cave. Barely moves despite being cool.
	Fly Guy (???) – A wicked cool fly costume is used on this goon, who barely does anything and disappears soon after.
	Green Guy (???) – He’s a guy in robes with weird skin color!
	Evil Clown (???) – An evil clown (is there any other kind?) with a lavender curly wig and black makeup on his eyes and mouth. Is repeatedly beaten up by children.
	Evil Stongman (???) – An evil strongman (is there any other kind?) with the required jungle-themed outfit. Is repeatedly beaten up by children.
	Wolf Guy (???) – He’s a wolf guy in a skull shirt!
	Evil Lady (???) – This evil lady has bats on her outfit and appears to be just below the Evil Queen Serius in power.
	Evil Queen’s Many Handmaidens (???) – Some of Queen Serius’s many handmaidens, who mostly stand around looking evil and then get shot.
	Evil Queen Serius (???) – The plot description says Serius is the King of Evil. They either meant Queen of Evil or this is the most progressive children’s movie ever! Queen Serius dresses like she’s a Disney villain, and has a skull staff that is the most realistic skull you ever did see. She controls the Evil Circus, desires Princess Lanka for reasons unknown, and controls Two Cartoon Robots.
	Two Cartoon Robots (???) – The aforementioned Two Cartoon Robots that Queen Serius controls. They fly and have no legs.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Emmanuelle the Private Collection: Sex Talk

August 11, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Emmanuelle the Private Collection: Sex Talk

2003?
Written and directed by Jean-Jacques Lamore (pretty sure this is Alain Siritzky)
Loosely based on a character created by Emmanuelle Arsan

A rubdown is needed after enduring a lecture about all the various Emmanuelle series…

Every few years that is a new Emmanuelle series, each iteration becoming more and more removed from the source novel and films to the point where the only connection is the name. Emmanuelle has had all sorts of adventures all over the world (and like all good franchises, she both went to space and fought Dracula!) As it can get time consuming and expensive to track down all copies of all the Emmanuelle series, it’s often more efficient to just pick one to represent the whole group. Especially since the guy who has been churning out Emmanuelle series (and other similar softcore series), Alain Siritzky, sometimes makes the films so they can be edited into either half hour episodes or full movies.

Each Emmanuelle series has their own star as Emmanuelle. The original Emmanuelle was Sylvia Kristel, who was in four of the original Emmanuelle films and played an older Emmanuelle in at least on television series. Prior Emmanuelle series include the Emmanuelle 2000 run, which starred Holly Sampson as Emmanuelle (and we reviewed sample film Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise). The most famous series among cable aficionados are the Emmanuelle In Space films, which starred future Baywatch actress Krista Allen. The most recent series starred Allie Haze (as Brittany Joy), but you can rest assured that Emmanuelle will never die.

Natasja Vermeer played Emmanuelle in the Emmanuelle: The Private Collection series, of which Emmanuelle: Sex Talk is a member. Emmanuelle has been played as a brilliant super charismatic well-connected hero who swooped in to solve the problems of whichever couples were nearby. This Emmanuelle is less of a genius who solves problems, but she’s still considered the center of attention. We know this more because the film tells us, instead of us seeing it in action. From the way I explained it, you can tell that she doesn’t come off as very knowledgeable at all. In fact, Emmanuelle becomes more of a mystery as to why anyone even knows her. This is not helped by the subplot of giving Emmanuelle a mystery of her own to figure out (and I will freely admit it may be hurting the attempts to make her appear smart in my eyes.)

Another Emmanuelle history lesson victim!

The Emmanuelle: The Private Collection series of Emmanuelle films are filled with vignettes that are told either by flashback, or by radio callers who tell them to Brittany O’Dell. These are scenes that have no connection to the film aside from sporadic narration, and were filmed with a different style of digital camera. The look of the actors and the lack of any spoken words leads me to believe the scenes are from overseas somewhere in Europe, and I don’t know if they were filmed specifically for the Emmanuelle films or were something the production company acquired and threw in to save some dough. I do know that they were rather weird. Something about them were just off, I can’t really explain it.

Natasja Vermeer recorded some of the songs that were used in the Emmanuelle: The Private Collection series, for those of you who are soundtrack trivia buffs.

	Emmanuelle (Natasja Vermeer) – Never fear, Emmanuelle is here, and things are about to get sexy. Emmanuelle is on a journey for stuff to happen around her, and also she gets a mysterious letter and random sex nymphs visit her, but beyond that, much of the action happens outside of Emmanuelle’s worldview.
	Brittany O’Dell (Angela Nicholas as Angela Davies) – Radio host who has a deranged stalker, which is somehow sexy and not incredibly disturbing. And she’s friend with Emmanuelle.
	Lisa (Valerie Baber) – Emmanuelle’s massage partner (and more!) whose boyfriend wants to have a threesome. That eventually happens. Valerie Baber is now an author and sex journalist

Wait, HOW many different Emmanuelle films???

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Dead Sushi

August 8, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Dead Sushi

aka デッド寿司 aka Deddo Sushi

2012
Written by Noboru Iguchi, Makiko Iguchi, and Jun Tsugita
Directed by Noboru Iguchi

Summing up Dead Sushi in one picture!

Dead Sushi combines two of my favorite things from low budget Japanese cinema – Rina Takeda and Noboru Iguchi! While I wish these two combined to make something amazing, Dead Sushi turns out to just be above average. While certainly a lot better than either of the prior Iguchi and Takeda films I have seen (Zombie Ass and Kunoichi), Dead Sushi suffers from trying to be too many things. Sure, it’s got zombies, killer sushi, and face kicking, but there is also a big lecture on the proper way to make, eat, and appreciate sushi. Dead Sushi takes as much from Jiro Dreams of Sushi as it does from Machine Girl or High-Kick Girl! Unfortunately, they drag the movie down to a more average range.

Finally a movie that isn’t afraid to spit the truth!

The two main attractions to Dead Sushi are the gore effects and the choreography. First – the gore effects are okay, but not so different from what we’ve seen before. The humor comes from the instigators of this gore, living sushi pieces that talk gibberish and fly through the air, skeletonizing people. After the gimmick wears off, Dead Sushi gives us zombies to allow for some actual fighting against something other than CGI and puppets. While zombies are overused and boring (despite these zombies spitting up rice!), the occasional fights against CGI sushi have their fun, and remind me of Birdemic.

Why you should never eat cheap take-out rice!

The choreography is less disappointing, and is what you should seek out Dead Sushi for. Rina Takeda’s Keiko is a sushi apprentice to her father, the sushi chef skills giving her karate skills because that’s just how it works. There is some kicking and punching of sushi pieces out of the air, and later some battles against ineffectual zombies. Dead Sushi then shakes things up with Kentaro Shimazu running around with a giant fish head and a gianter axe to battle Rina Takeda, while the one good piece of sushi – Eggy – does battle with a giant CGI sushi battleship. The fights keep you entertained, whoever the stunt guy for Kentaro Shimazu is matches well with Rina Takeda’s moves, giving us nice fighting to entertain the people. Bread and circuses. Or Sushi and Zombies.

Shaming the shameless

	Keiko (Rina Takeda) – Daughter of a great sushi master, who is angry that she was a girl and thus inferior at making sushi. She runs away in anger, taking a job as a hostess at a hotel. The years of practice at making sushi has honed her skills at fighting, and also given her admirable sushi skills that are recognized by Mr. Sawada. Keiko is also known to lecture on proper sushi etiquette, showing she was paying attention to all her father’s teachings.
	Yamada (Kentaro Shimazu) – What seems to be just a homeless guy is actually the former head of new medicine development at Komatsu Pharmaceutical, the company that comes to dine at the hotel for their famous sushi. His project on bringing dead sea life back to life was cancelled, but not without the side effects of turning him into a zombie lord, and he unleashes the infection at the hotel. Evolves into a fishhead form.
	Nosaka (Takamasa Suga) – A good guy who isn’t that good, secretly knows what’s going on as the whole outbreak is part of his own sick experiments for Komatsu Pharmaceutical. But the worm will turn…
	Yumi Hanamaki (Asami Sugiura) – Hostess at the hotel who worked hard to gain her position, and also married the new owner. Is cheating on her husband Mr. Hanamaki (Takashi Nishina) with arrogant sushi chef Tsuchida.
	Mr. Sawada (???) – Nice guy at work, was an arrogant sushi chef at the inn until he accidentally stabbed his wife and became knifephobic.
	Eggy (himself) – an egg sushi that is spurned by all the seafood-based sushi, Eggy turns good and uses his acid egg juice squirting ability to aid Keiko and Mr. Sawada.

Better than the movie Battleship!

InBad, Movie Reviews

Library Wars

August 5, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Library Wars

aka 図書館戦争 aka Toshokan Senso

2013
Written by Akiko Nogi
Based on the novel by Hiro Arikawa
Directed by Shinsuke Sato

In a near-future, the battle between censorship and free speech has become a literal war, with bullets flying and blood being shed. As a news stories montage in the beginning explains, censorship laws were passed that became more and more expanded (the Media Betterment Act), with a government agency called the Media Betterment Committee set up to enforce the laws. They begin raiding bookstores and burning books, censoring the internet, and the list of forbidden books balloons and balloons. Eventually, local governments form a Library Defense Force to protect libraries, who are able to keep the forbidden books thanks to other laws. Over time, the two sides grow more militarized and come into violent conflict.

This is the world of Library Wars. Just think of Fahrenheit 451, except this time everyone has lots of guns. But it’s more than just a parable about censorship, Library Wars weaves its way through several genres, even becoming a comedic romance! The Library Defense Force is a true defense force. They do not fire first, and they do not shoot to kill. As you can imagine, the Media Betterment Force does not abide by the same rules (though they do manage to not kill anyone on camera in the course of the film, deaths being shown are provided by “unaffiliated groups” that Media Betterment leaders just happen to have on speed dial!)

The opening sequence of a library being shot up by masked goons and then torched sets the stage for the stakes in the brutal censorship battle. Both sides are empowered by the various national and local laws, and follow them to the letter. This leads to absurd situations like the leaders of the two sides meeting to discuss terms and quote passages, then setting the time and length of the battle.

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