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Get your ironic smug idiocy on with Last Ounce of Courage!

Directly quoting from the above video complete with many typos:

“Last Ounce of Courage,” is an intergenerational story of a grieving father inspired by his grandson to take a stand for faith and freedom against a tide of apathy and vanishing liberty. Against a backdrop of military conflict abroad and domestic wars against freedom, a highly-decorated combat veteran is reminded that we best honor our fallen heroes by not holding too loosely what they gave their all to defend. Alongside fellow citizens of courage, faith and integrity, he champions the cherished principles we the people hold dear.
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Starring Marshall Teague (“Roadhouse,” “The Rock” and “Armageddon”) as small-town mayor Bob Revere, “Last Ounce of Courage” uses the vehicle of a public religious display to ignite a spark and lights

a fire under a community that honors its American values, but has tired of fighting the “American Civil Liberties Organization” (ACLO) over the very rights guaranteed them by the Constitution. Former NFL great Fred Williamson (“Black Caesar”) ably plays the villain in the film as the head of the ACLO.

Encouraged by his grandson, played by Hunter Gomez (“National Treasure”), and his wife Dottie, played by Academy Award nominee Jennifer O‟Neill (“Summer of ‟42”), Bob finally takes a stand for his beliefs and revives his townspeople‟s latent patriotism. Leading the younger generation to join in and make a difference is Bob‟s young neighbor, Maddie Rogers, played by Jenna Boyd (“Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants”), who comically hijacks the town‟s annual generic school pageant.

The film is being produced by Veritas Entertainment, under the leadership of Kevin McAfee (“Beyond the Gates of Splendor,” “The End of the Spear”) and Steve Griffin (former CEO at Nest Entertainment and EMI/Chordant), both of whom have a passion for creating and reaching audiences with entertainment products centered around the character values that undergird family, faith and freedom.

Yes, it’s a Christian film that’s unironically a hypocritical piece of garbage standing against everything it attempts to be standing for because the real agenda is the complete opposite of what it states. It’s pure propaganda. The hero is a mayor whose son sacrificed his life fighting overseas in Afghanistan against religious extremists. This so inspires the mayor that he honors his son’s sacrifice by becoming a religious extremist. Okay. Sure, but it’s totally different because they’re different religions! Check out how easily the mayor owns the lawyer from the ACLU…I mean, the ACLO, as neither of them seem to have any idea what is actually in the Constitution! That lawyer guy never knew what he was messing with, a small town mayor!

Of course, it doesn’t matter how ridiculous this looks, it’s not made for mainstream audiences. It’s specifically designed for the hardcore Christian right, the group of people who make me ashamed to be a Christian. People who would be all for the exact same rules that the Taliban wants, except word search “Allah” and replace with “God”. This built in audience has probably already given this film a return on investment. It’s sort of weird that there is now an entire genre of Evil Lawyer versus Good Christian films, what with Christmas with a Capital C from last year. We even had lawyers suing the Devil for Suing the Devil! If I were to speculate, I’d guess this odd lawyer fascination is a response to losing a lot of court cases, and the proliferation of crackpot legal theories on rightwing boards, like those sovereign citizen weirdos or the Birthers. It’s scary out there, and it’s only going to get more crazy after they lose in November.

And be sure to check out the official “Patriot Day” screenings on September 11th. So tasteful you’ll be spitting out the toxic waste.

Remember, you’re not a real patriot unless you have a giant American flag on your motorcycle and children sacrificed to our military industrial complex.

Official site

Last Ounce of Courage

Age of the Hobbits synopsis

The Asylum’s filmed in Cambodia mockbuster Age of the Hobbits has advanced to the point that a plot synopsis and actors have appeared on their official site.

In an age long ago, the last village of clever, peace-loving Hobbits is attacked and enslaved by the Java Men, komodo-worshiping, dragon-riding cannibals. Now the young Hobbit Goben, along with his father and sister, must seek help from the “giants” (human hunters) to find the Javas’ lair and rescue the last surviving Hobbits, Goben’s mother among them. In their quest to destroy the Javas, the heroic partnership of humans and Hobbits will transform both species forever.

From the sound of it, they’re incorporating a lot of details from various homonid species. The Hobbits are the so-called real Hobbits, Homo floresiensis. The Java Men also take their name from a Homo erectus subspecies colloquially called Java Man (Homo erectus erectus) The Komodo mentions means the whole thing is set in the Indonesian region, where Java Man and the Flores Man are both found. So this is basically Quest for Fire meets Willow meets Caravan of Courage. Which I like. Christopher Judge (Stargate), Bai Ling (all sorts of awesome stuff), and Sun Korng (I have no idea) are attached. Joseph Lawson directed, he actually did digital work on the LOTR trilogy, as well as directing Nazis at the Center of the Earth. Writer Eric Forsberg wrote the entertaining Arachnoquake. This means Age of the Hobbits could be pretty good. Just don’t be boring, that’s all I ask!

Homo floresiensis

Actual photo of Bai Ling


pic via

Sherlock Gnomes will soon solve your garden mysteries

Sherlock Gnomes is the sequel to Gnomeo and Juliet, which I haven’t bothered to watch, but I did see a gigantic poster for it at the mall that was like two stories tall. So I got that going for me, and that pretty much makes me a Gnomeo and Juliet expert. So I can safely say that Sherlock Gnomes will be more of the same Gnomeo and Juliet niche. If you liked the original, you’ll like this sequel. If you didn’t, then there is always that killer garden gnome film that is in the works. The real question is what would David the Gnome think of all this? Had he not died and turned into a tree, that is. I cried. We all cried.

Writers Andy Riley and Kevin Cecil return, and the new director will be John Stevenson, who is best known for Kung Fu Panda. Elton John’s company is producing again and he’ll be writing more music. The plot involves Gnomeo and Juliet hiring Sherlock Gnomes to help them sole the mystery of disappearing gnomes from across England.

via Deadline
Buy the Gnome at This Etsy Shop!

Flamethrower Gnome

Elementary is how easily your flesh burns, my dear Watson!

Metal Gear Solid, Oogieloves, and interactive cinema

The big news in the geek universe this week was the announcement of a Metal Gear Solid movie. Talk of the movie threatened to envelope threads in every message board as fans of the franchise began talking about the games and how they are beyond the normal video game and become a truly interactive experience. The main point many of them rightfully attest is that it will be difficult if not impossible to duplicate the anything can happen as the fourth was is shattered to dust feelings as you desperately try to piece together what is going on and what crazy thing you will have to do next. Cinema is largely a one way interactive environment, what happens on screen will happen whether you are paying rapt attention or are dozing off or making out in the back row. I see you back there. Continue making out.

Aside from a few random films mostly on DVD (or that Futurama episode where you can watch Calculon double-check his paperwork!), what happens next is largely out of your control. There are no buttons to push, and no matter how loud you yell at that dumb girl in Friday the 13th Part 17, she’s going to take a shower in the haunted cabin built on the zombie graveyard. All that means is, can Metal Gear Solid survive if it’s not the type of story telling device people expect from it? Sure, many video game to movie adaptations have largely ignored key parts of the original game in order to tell a tale in a new medium (read: graft the franchise onto an existing mediocre script in an attempt to save money!), but most of them are terrible. Metal Gear Solid is one of those franchises that if it is screwed up, whoever directs it will be the new Uwe Boll, even if they go on to direct Gone With the Kane. Hideo Kojima is a literal rock star, I’ve personally seen people wait all day in lines to briefly see him (I saw him get out of the limo and everyone screamed and cheered!) He will not be blamed for it if it fails. That blame will fall on the eventual director and the producer Avi Arad. Arad already appears as an executive producer on all of Marvel’s films due to his ties to the company’s movie studio’s beginnings. He’s running his own production house now, and he has multiple projects in development, including films based on the video games Mass Effect, Uncharted, and inFAMOUS.

Making a Metal Gear Solid movie is not that difficult in theory, the Metal Gear franchise openly borrows from cinema and actors. The key problem arises in making a film that has the same type of feel as the original games. Regardless of how well the eventual film (if any) does, you can be sure people will complain about the smallest details imaginable.

Interactive film does have one more entry, a recent entry. As in this week is the opening weekend entry. And it’s making cinema history! Because it’s bombing so bad! Yes, we’re talking about the Oogieloves! The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure opened Wednesday in 1,500 theaters and made $60,000. Total. That’s $40 per screen. Ouch. Excuse me…Oogieouch! The reason I bring up the Oogieloves film (aside to join in the pile on!) is that the film promotes interactivity among its target audience of 2-5 year olds, having sections where they are prompted to get up and dance and talk to the screen. So there is interactivity in cinema, even if the kids can’t change things. And while it’s occasionally funny wo watch productions of Peter Pan where the audience doesn’t clap for Tinkerbell and she dies, the Oogieloves will never die, and they’re coming for you. With their balloons! The prior record holder for worst film for a major release is Creature, which opened on 1,507 screens for a $220 average.

Could the Metal Gear Solid flick feature sequences where you have to get up and dance? I sure hope so, because I want to read people arguing about it on the internet. Come on, Avi Arad, don’t let me down!

via G4TV

Oogieloves Goobie

A name means nothing on the battlefield...

Doggie B is a movie that exists and opens Friday

Doggie B

I’m sure you are as shocked as I am to hear about Doggie B, a film about dancing with dogs, and how it opens Friday August 31st. As this is Thursday August 30th, it’s time to raise our glasses to the stellar marketing department! I guess TarsTarkas.NET will do the press for you, Doggie B!

When aspiring vet Cassie finds out that her Uncle Peter’s dog dancing studio is in danger of closing, she enters her devoted pup Pijo in the Dog Dancing Championships. Standing between the grand prize and the glory is ten-time champion Gertrude and her dancing canine Chaos, who will stop at nothing to win. With the help of family and friends, Cassie and Pijo lace up all six dancing shoes, raise the woof, and take on the competition tail on.

That sounds…dog gone hilarious!! Did you get it? I made a dog pun!

Just watch the damn trailer…

I did manage to find the official site. On wordpress. Romanus Wolter is the man with the plan who directed Doggie B. He has a rather long writeup here. Originally the film was called Doggie Boogie!

Doggie B stars Jesse Draper, Bettina Devin, Jane Wiedlin, Patrick Alan Davis, Scott Cox, Barbara Tintori, Erica Gerard, and Constance Hasapopoulos. But if you ask them, they will deny it. Keep asking them!

We all know dog dancing is a thing, because of that King of the Hill episode that was pretty good.

Doggie B

The love story of our time...


Doggie B