• Home
  • Author: Tars Tarkas
Black Butler 黒執事

Black Butler (Review)

Black Butler

aka 黒執事 aka Kuroshitsuji
Black Butler 黒執事
2014
Written by Tsutomu Kuroiwa
Based on the manga created by Yana Toboso
Directed by Kentaro Otani and Keiichi Sato

Black Butler 黒執事
Demon butlers, terrorist conspiracies, gender-hiding revenge plots, English-Japanese hybrid toy baron nobles, and an alternate world with only two spheres of influence is the setting for a murder mystery that soon balloons into a wild tale that could only be a live-action manga tale. And, yes, it is. Kuroshitsuji (黒執事) – aka Black Butler – features a demonic butler named Sebastian who aides his master in her revenge quest in return for the permission to devour her soul once it’s completed. Despite the overly-complicated world building, the resulting film is entertaining and fun, delivering a cool story without biting off too much and feeling like everything is rushed.

Black Butler takes a train into gender confusion land. We first run across Ayame Gouriki held captive by human traffickers. After the action sequence is finished, she rips off her wig to reveal shorter hair beneath. It’s not until a scene or two later (like 20 minutes into the film) that I figure out she’s pretending to be a man named Earl Kiyoharu Genpo. Which means in her first appearance, she’s a girl pretending to be a boy pretending to be a girl. Like Connie Chan or Polly Shang Kuan, there is a zero percent chance that anyone would think that Ayame Gouriki was a male, which makes the scenes even more confusing.
Black Butler 黒執事
Shiori is under disguise because her whole family was wiped out by a traitor. She survived only by promising her soul to the demon Sebastian, who posed as her guardian servant, and Shiori posed as the illegitimate son of her father, named Kiyoharu Genpo. Why the illegitimate son has the same last name as the dad is best unanswered. She keeps up the ruse while trying to track down who hire the hitmen who slaughtered her family, and while running her family’s very successful toy company. Sadly, the toy company doesn’t factor into the plot as much as it should.
Black Butler 黒執事

Black Butler Sebastian (Hiro Mizushima) – Mysterious demon butler servant of Earl Kiyoharu Genpo that no one has noticed hasn’t aged at all in 12 years. Because no one looks at the servants, naturally!
Earl Kiyoharu Genpo / Shiori (Ayame Gouriki) – Earl Kiyoharu Genpo is the eye-patch wearing bastard heir to the Genpo fortune and the head of the East’s most successful toy company, Funtom Company. He’s also really the lone surviving Genpo daughter, Shiori, who faked her death and is now faking her gender after selling her soul to Sebastian in order to get revenge. Is also an agent known as The Queen’s Watchdog
Maid Rin (Mizuki Yamamoto) – Rin is the clumsy maid that serves the Genpo family like her family has for generations. Which is sort of sad because that’s like slavery or something. Also, despite the fact she’s a gigantic klutz, she’s also a secret super double gun wielding crack shot killer that mows downs all sorts of goons to protect her master.
Hanae Wakatsuki (Yuka) – Earl Kyoharu Genpo’s Aunt (though really the sister of Shiori’s mom, which would make her unrelated to Kiyoharu Genpo even though she’s related to Shiori) and helped raise the Earl and run the toy company while he was still a child.

Black Butler 黒執事

Deliverance Creek Lifetime

Deliverance Creek delivers revenge on Lifetime!

Deliverance Creek Lifetime

1000% more butter churning than Dawson’s Creek!

Lifetime continues to throw out the event programming with Deliverance Creek, a Civil War revenge drama produced by Nicholas Sparks of The Notebook fame. Deliverance Creek is getting a bigger than usual push campaign, having a trailer and pictures up even before things like the Unauthorized Saved by the Bell movie or PopFan! So they either have a lot of confidence in this movie, or there is some contractual thing requiring bigger promotional material. Whatever the reason, I like having that stuff out already, because it makes it easier to write about the film. The production values seem high and it could be a cool outlaw movie about a good person pushed too far. It sounds like one of those older Westerns that are always focused on evil landowners trying to drive good people away and hiring thugs until a lawman/mercenary arrives and shoots them all. So if it is that, this will rule.

Best-selling author Nicholas Sparks (“The Notebook,” “A Walk to Remember,” “Safe Haven”) makes his television debut as executive producer of the two-hour programming event “Deliverance Creek.” “Deliverance Creek” is a revenge drama centering on a widow and mother of three who is determined to protect her family and land at any cost during the Civil War.

Two years into the Civil War, Belle Gatlin Barlowe (Lauren Ambrose) faces uncertainty in the life before her as she attempts to defend her family’s land by any means necessary. When the corrupt bank that runs their town pushes Belle into becoming an outlaw, the stakes become personal, setting off a chain of events that force her to question whether it’s better to be good or to survive.

Deliverance Creek stars Lauren Ambrose, Wes Ramsey, Yaani King, Caitlin Custer, Christopher Backus, Riley Smith, Katherine Willis, and Christopher Baker. It’s directed by Jon Amiel (he did Entrapment and The Core!) and written by Melissa Carter (a couple of Lifetime-related shows including The Lottery)

Deliverance Creek premiered September 13 on Lifetime!

via Lifetime

Mercenaries

Mercenaries (Review)

Mercenaries

aka Prison Break
Mercenaries
2014
Written by Edward DeRuiter
Directed by Christopher Douglas Olen Ray

Mercenaries
There is talk in the film world of an all-female Expendables movie with a bunch of names being tossed about and a plot that sounds dumb as crap. While Hollywood talks, Asylum does, and gives us Mercenaries, and all-female Expendables featuring tough ladies doing some dirty work. It’s more of a B-movie femme all star roster, but it’s still filled with cool chicks who go on to kick a lot of butt. Following more Escape From New York meets The Dirty Dozen, Mercenaries sees for female convicts recruited to save the daughter of the president from a female potential dictator. Along the way we have plenty of shooting, stabbing, kicking, punching, breaking, betraying, and quipping, making Mercenaries a must-see event for action fans!

The President’s daughter Elise Prescott is ambushed in Kazakhstan, and not by Borat. Military leader Ulrika demands the US invade her country and install her as leader, or else! The US keeps this under wraps for now, and CIA agent Mona Kendall figures the best way to sneak in is to send women because Ulrika hates all men (except her right-hand man Grigori Babishkov) and thinks women are weak. As there are no experienced women to infiltrate the prison, they need to “think inside the box” and thus grab some female prisoners at whom they can wave pardons.
Mercenaries

Cassandra Clay (Zoë Bell) – A woman who beats up women in prison who demand tribute, and likes pizza. Former Delta Force, Ranger, and had a command. Lost half of her squad and attacked her CO because he was sending them into areas without proper support or information.
Kat Morgan (Kristanna Loken) – A sniper who shot up her boyfriend’s truck with him and his new girlfriend in it. She also throws a penny into the eye of a rapist guard.
Mei Lin Fong (Nicole Bilderback) – A techno-anarchist and exploding toilets enthusiast. She blew up a Wall Street bank (which means she’s awesome), and is also a pilot.
Raven (Vivica A. Fox) – Raven has no real name given, but she has a history with Mona. Raven was CIA, but became killer for hire and killed a CIA agent, thus the jail term.

Mercenaries

Ashley Argota How to Build a Better Boy Disney

How to Build a Better Boy (Review)

How to Build a Better Boy

How to Build a Better Boy Disney
2014
Written by Jason Mayland
Directed by Paul Hoen

Ashley Argota How to Build a Better Boy Disney
Disney Channel gender-swaps Weird Science and also turns it into a statement about government drones, somehow doing a better job than the Robocop remake. I’m not really sure how that happened, but it did. Probably because How to Build a Better Boy is actually fun to watch, despite it’s goofy origin and Disney squeaky-clean upper class template.

Gabby Harrison (China Anne McClain) and Mae Hartley (Kelli Berglund) are smart over-achieving high school sophomores that finish calculus tests in under 9 minutes (to the annoyance of their peers!) Gabby is 100% focus on her career track and saving the world through being incredibly awesome and smart, while Mae is starting to get distracted by boys. Particularly the star quarterback Jaden, who she tutors in math. Jaden may or may not have feelings for her, but that’s not the problem. The problem is Jaden is currently dating cheerleader Nevaeh Barnes (Ashley Argota), who is 100% focused on how awesome Nevaeh Barnes is and needs Jaden to be her perfect accessory while she becomes Homecoming Queen.
How to Build a Better Boy Disney
Thus Nevaeh Barnes and her posse humiliate Mae in front of the entire school (and Jaden!), the school having nothing better to do than watch two of the students be sassy to each other. Mae counters by pretending she has an awesome boyfriend who’s Alaskan, thus that’s why no one knows him. Even though everyone knows she’s lying, this puts Gabby on the thinking train and soon she’s scheming to create a virtual boyfriend for Mae. Mae’s dad does video game research, so Gabby’s plan is to hack into his company and use the AI models to create an AI boyfriend. This plan would be clever, except for the fact Mae’s dad secretly works for the government and is creating an autonomous robot fighting soldier/drone. A little obvious plot magic later and suddenly all the traits Mae wanted in a boyfriend are now encoded in this drone, unknowingly to the girls, and the result causes the computers at home to get fried.

The next day at school, suddenly the fake boyfriend Albert Banks has a huge social media profile and is now friends with half of the school. Nevaeh begins mocking the obviously fake profile, when suddenly Albert Banks (Marshall Williams) himself drives up in a Lamborghini. As he’s totes handsome and charming, suddenly every single girl is in love with Albert because he’s emotionally ambidextrous and a boy boy but sensitive and unnnnnhhhhhuuuuhhh and other strange sounds. Albert only has eyes for Mae, and proceeds to become the most perfect boyfriend ever, with picnic lunches and singing Selena Gomez in the park.
Marshall Williams How to Build a Better Boy Disney

Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda (Review)

Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda

Sharktopus vs Pteracuda
2014
Written by Matt Yamashita
Directed by Kevin O’Neill

Mom! Dad! Why are you fighting! ::bursts into tears::

Sharktopus was one of the better performing SyFy original movies and helped lead the charge into the fray of combination animals running amok on an unsuspecting populace. As it’s also a Roger Corman production, you know that every last dime is going to get squeezed out of the film. Hence two sequels! Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda is the first of these, essentially the Empire Strikes Back of the trilogy.

But Sharktopus is dead, how can there be another Sharktopus movie? Easy! Thanks to a handy recap of prior events, we learn that Sharktopus was preggers! A shark egg sack is among the pieces of Sharktopus that float out to sea and are quickly caught in a net for a boat being chartered by a Latin America amusement park that has sent it out to find cool stuff in the ocean, and Lorena Christmas discovers the baby Sharktopus 2.0, which she begins to raise.

Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

I’ll make you watch every episode of King of the Nerds, or else!


On the polar opposite side we have another genetically engineered creature built as a weapon with Pteracuda, which has the flight powers of a pterodactyl and the underwater strength of a barracuda. While talk mentions that the US military is probably going to settle on its drone program over these genetically manipulated monstrosities, Dr. Rico Symes is convinced that he can create a creature that is more destructive in air and at sea that can outclass the drones. Things look well, until Pteracuda is almost immediately hijacked and goes berserk.
Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Good thing she was wearing her life jacket!


Dr. Rico Symes (Robert Carradine) – Dr. Rico Symes is the amoral genius creator of Pteracuda, doing the whole project in secret to the world and his own company. Symes must then stop his creation after it is hijacked, but refuses to stick his neck out while doing so. He founded Symodyne, which we know is bad because all companies that end in -dyne are evil! Not only that, but Dr. Symes kidnaps Lorena at gunpoint and drags her into his unmarked white van. Robert Carradine is awesome here, he is like an evil Lewis Skolnick on steroids!
Lorena Christmas (Katie Savoy) – Not a Ph.D., hired directly out of college by her uncle, who owns the aquatic theme park. Raises the new Sharktopus from a newborn, and recognizes its intelligence, and was trying to condition it to be nonviolent. I wonder if she’s named after Dr. Christmas Jones from The World is Not Enough.
“Ham” Hammerstein (Rib Hillis) – Leader of the security team hired by Dr. Symes as insurance in case something goes wrong with Pteracuda, and the only member to make it through the opening sequence alive. Weirdly loyal to Dr. Symes for most of the flick until he’s betrayed one too many times. Enjoys harpoon-based weaponry.
Sharktopus (CGI) – Sharktopus is really Sharktopus 2.0, either Son of Sharktopus or Daughter of Sharktopus. It doesn’t really matter for movie purposes. Just how Sharktopus got pregnant in the first place is not addressed. Raised in a theme park, Sharktopus is unable to throw off its created purpose as an alpha predator/weapon, and thanks to a control circuit lodged in its head, is sent out to fight Pteracuda.
Pteracuda (CGI) – Designed as a replacement/improvement of drones, Pteracuda is hijacked and soon is killing lots of people, leading its creator to go to extreme methods to hunt it down. Which means it fights Sharktopus! The hacker who takes control wants Pteracuda to attack a nuclear power plant.
Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Seconds before the kiss

Ardennes Fury Asylum

Ardennes Fury is in the tank for Asylum!

Brad Pitt has an upcoming World War II tank movie called Fury, thus Asylum has their own World War II tank movie – Ardennes Fury!

As the Battle of the Bulge rages on, an American tank unit gets trapped behind Nazi lines. With just hours before the bombs of Operation Ardennes Fury fall, the tank’s commander makes the risky decision to rescue an orphanage.

Tanks and orphans! They even got some World War II rein actors to help, and have a M36 Jackson Tank Destroyer running around. Nazis at the Center of the Earth director Joseph Lawson helms this mockbuster, and contributed to the story along with newcomer writer Stephen Llorens. Ardennes Fury stars William Thomas Stedham as Sgt. Lance Dawson, Bill Voorhees, Tino Struckman, Lawrence Garnell Jr., and Lauren Vera. The street date is November 11, but you’ll probably be able to find it on different distribution channels before that, depending on how it’s rolled out across America.

Facebook Page
via Asylum

Ardennes Fury Asylum