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Indispensable man Sleepy Hollow

Sleepy Hollow S01E12 – “The Indispensable Man”

Indispensable man Sleepy Hollow

Hello, boils and ghouls! I cannot tell a lie, this week’s Tales From the Crypt will be spooktacular!


Sleepy HollowThe Indispensable Man
Teleplay by Damian Kindler and Heather V. Regnier
Story by Sam Chalsen
Directed by Adam Kane
Indispensable man Sleepy Hollow

Newcomer? I’ve been here since the pilot!


It’s the two-hour Sleepy Hollow Season Final Spectacular! The two episodes are not two parts, but two separate episodes that are merged together for a two-hour long finale. A few lines from the two episodes hint that they might have had an idea that the last two would be combined, but there isn’t much more than that. So I’m pretty comfortable with giving them separate entries, because that’s how they’ll appear most often.

All your questions will be answered….Okay, not really. But we learn a lot of stuff, realize we should have picked up on a lot more, and get cliffhangered the frak up until next season. But before all that, things first got to get crazypants!

The big deal in The Indispensable Man is we learn about the mystery of George Washington writing diary entries after he’s dead. Turns out, he’s Zombie George Washington! And that’s far from the weirdest thing that happens in this episode of Sleepy Hollow. It’s not even the weirdest phrase, which goes to “Many a mickle makes a muckle”, which is both real and going into my vocabulary even though I’ll rarely have a use for it!

Indispensable man Sleepy Hollow

I’ll make you headless in more place than one!


There are charming moments, such as Ichabod Crane learning to use a cell phone. Ichabod leaves outgoing voicemail messages like my mom, and takes to texting like my mom. Basically, Ichabod is my mom. Ichabod gets caught up in the phone upgrading hype, even after delivering a gigantic speech about the evils of lassie-faire capitalism run amok. So instead of my mom, Ichabod is now a bunch of people I knew in college. Ichabod really gets around! Of course, now Ichabod can be using map apps on his phone (and does!), talks about social networks, and even chats to his virtual assistant. Who is about as helpful as the real Siri, which means not helpful at all and Ichabod gets annoyed with her. No Her romance for Ichabod!
Indispensable man Sleepy Hollow

Just wait until you see John Adams’ tomb!

Flying Saucers Over istanbul Uçan Daireler Istanbulda

Flying Saucers Over Istanbul (Review)

Flying Saucers Over Istanbul

aka Uçan Daireler Istanbulda
Flying Saucers Over istanbul Uçan Daireler Istanbulda
1955
Written and directed by Orhan Erçin

Flying Saucers Over istanbul Uçan Daireler Istanbulda

No one refuses the Space Ladies!


Alien space women come to Earth to search for (what else) manly men as all of theirs are dead. So of course they head to Turkey, the manliest country in the galaxy. But the only men the space women meet in Flying Saucers Over Istanbul (Uçan daireler Istanbulda) are two greedy idiots who proceed to try to sell alien secrets to get rich in schemes that might have played well in 1955 Turkey, but now are just annoying. Perhaps they didn’t play too well in 1955 Turkey, as the film reportedly did not fare well at the box office.

Rosie returns for revenge on the Jetsons!

Flying Saucers Over Istanbul was one of those films that was lost in the quagmire of Turkish vaults, even thought possibly lost until a rather nice looking print surfaced relatively recently. If you can only view Turkish films that have been scratched to the point where they are barely watchable, you might be disappointed this is too clean. I think it’s just right, there needs to be some grit and fadedness on the prints, but digitally remastered Turkish pop cinema would destroy the entire aesthetic.

The attraction to Flying Saucers Over Istanbul is the effects. Hubcaps suspended by fishing wire with sparklers going off are our Flying Saucers. The space women have their own female robot, who is little more than plywood with light bulb attachments. Sadly the space stuff occupies maybe a quarter at most of the running time.

Do you enjoy belly dancing? Do you enjoy two jokers attempting to sell space miracle potions to rich old women? Do you enjoy a guy carrying a gigantic obviously fake camera? Because those are the themes of the majority of Flying Saucers Over Istanbul! Never fear, they throw in a fake Marilyn Monroe to distract everyone.

Flying Saucers Over istanbul Uçan Daireler Istanbulda

No, the robot is going IN to the closet, it’s even more subtextual than you think!


As you’ve probably guessed from my whining, the non-space stuff isn’t what I call entertaining. There is an attempted theme of loneliness among women, the Earth women who run a Lonely Hearts Nightclub that’s desperate to attract male guests for their clients to hit on contrast with the invading Space Women from Planet Merih, who kidnap men forcibly to replace their now dead males. But that’s about all the contrast the two sides get, their methods are wholly different (kidnapping vs coercion) and their looks are totally different(the Earth women are old, the space women look young). In the end, neither side really achieves success in their goal.

Director/writer/star Orhan Erçin directed only one more film right after this in 1955 (the comedy Çeto Sihirbaz, featuring either a magician or a wizard depending on your translation), then did not direct again until two films in 1987! He later died in 1993, on his birthday. He has unfairly been compared to Ed Wood since this film has resurfaced. Flying Saucers Over Istanbul is a comedy, and much of the camp was intentional. Still, it’s not very good.

Flying Saucers Over istanbul Uçan Daireler Istanbulda

I get stoopid, I shoot an arrow like Cupid
I use a word that don’t mean nothin’, like loopid!


The fake Marilyn Monroe was played by Mirella Monro, whose name implies she made a living impersonating the American star. This is her only listed role, and she died in 1968. I was unable to find any more information on her, as every link was just cast listing for this film.

Sapsal (Zafer Önen) – A pipe-chomping newspaper writer who spends much of his time with Kasar getting ridiculous stories that have nothing to do with what the hot news topic is. Bumbles into the invading women after being ordered to write about UFOs. Then tries to get rich instead of doing what they tell him to do, angering the space women.
Kasar (Orhan Erçin) – A stuttering photographer with a huge huge camera. His bumbling with the radio is the reason the space women landed. Spends time scheming along with Sapsal, but the aliens are too smart for them. Orhan Erçin wrote and directed as well, blame him for everything. Get him!
Space Queen/Uzaylı Kraliçe (Türkan Şamil) – The Queen of the Space Ladies from Merih, who have come to Earth to find husbands, as there aren’t any men left on their planet. They’ve heard men from Earth are handsome and strong, but then they run into Sapsal and Kasar. The brutal honesty of reality.
Space Lady/Uzaylı (Özcan Tekgül) – A Space Lady from Merih who assists the Queen in capturing dimwitted Sapsal and Kasar, and punishing them after they act like idiots. Another prominant Space Lady is played by Deniz Tanyeli.
Stelekami (???) – The cool robot lady who is a member of the Space Ladies. Stelekami doesn’t put up with Sapsal’s lies without robot choking him!
Flying Saucers Over istanbul Uçan Daireler Istanbulda

I’m kind of over gettin’ told to throw my hands up in the air.
So there.

Simpsons Moe Gun NRA

Harvey Weinstein Presents Bad NRA!

Simpsons Moe Gun NRA

Do you want your children not blown away by some gun-toting psychopath? Good news! Harvey Weinstein has taken a break from badly editing Asian films before sitting on them for years and years to launch a secret project:

Mr. Weinstein then revealed his secret project about the gun rights group. “I shouldn’t say this, but I’ll tell it to you, Howard,” he said. “I’m going to make a movie with Meryl Streep, and we’re going to take this head-on. And they’re going to wish they weren’t alive after I’m done with them.”

I’m sure that will totally work and not just be an embarrassingly shrill propaganda piece that drowns out actual debate on gun culture.

The movie mogul said his vision was to scare people away from firearms. He foresees moviegoers to leave thinking, “Gun stocks — I don’t want to be involved in that stuff. It’s going to be like crash and burn.”

Yes, because so much of America is on the fence about guns that a movie will easily convince them, while weekly school shootings and two dozen tiny children being gunned down by one person does not.

All of those shootings have happened, and the federal government has done diddly squat. One of the few states to do anything, Colorado, is now facing a massive backlash due to NRA-funded recalls, which have claimed two state senators(and a third who resigned) and is now endangering the governor.

There should be serious discussions about guns and gun culture, but that will not be happening with a movie. It does not look to be happening outside of a movie, either. So I guess we’re just screwed, pass the ammunition!

I do look forward to the NRA’s response movies, which hopefully get us at least one ridiculously terrifying Guntopia vs the Government film.

via WashingtonTimes

Apple 1984 Ad

1984 returns as a love story in Equals!

Apple 1984

We mine your data and watch every move, but first let’s pretend to be fighting the system!


1984 is back again, this time in the future that’s far past 1984, despite it being brought up by ever political pundit ever whenever anyone in power does anything. 1984, overused much?

Now it can be overused in love form, because the upcoming film Equals is the latest version of 1984. But it’s not based on the book by George Orwell. Nope, Equals is based on the 1956 film version of 1984, which is based on the book 1984. This is sort of confusing, and also crazy. Was that cheaper than buying the rights to the book outright???

Despite this news flashing around everywhere that Kristen Stewart and Jennifer Lawrence’s boyfriend Nicholas Hoult (that’s seriously how he is referred to now. I sort of like it, because it’s almost always the woman who is referred to as someone’s boyfriend), the casting has been announced since October, but this is the first time we have some inkling of what Equals is about. Future love in a dystopian society.

The director Drake Doremus talked through the script with Jennifer Lawrence as well, it’s written by the guy who wrote Moon with Duncan Jones, Nathan Parker. There is an inkling this won’t be terrible. In fact, the less this is like 1984, the better it will be. Become your own future dystopia, Equals!

via AP Interview

Angel Warriors

Angel Warriors (Review)

Angel Warriors

aka 鐵血嬌娃 aka Five-Star General aka 五星上將 aka The Five aka 5星上將
Angel Warriors
2013
Written by Fu Huayang and Xu Shalang
Directed by Fu Huayang


Break out the pillows, because Angel Warriors will cure your sleep disorders. In fact, you might find yourself reflecting at how you are wasting your brief time here on planet Earth watching something that’s a complete mess of a film. But maybe you’ll then be motivated to go out and achieve something, lest watching Angel Warriors end up your final act.

Angel Warriors

This lady finds more tiger cubs before 6 AM than you do ever!


Angel Warriors began life as Five-Star General, which we actually reported on in 2011, though it sounded completely different and I didn’t even realize this was the same film! But true to my word, I checked it out and now regret saying I would look into it. The two year turnaround to get a release hints at the problem the completed film had. And there are a lot of problems. It is time to address them in list format, because that is efficient, and we’re all about efficiency at TarsTarkas.NET, a site that regularly has rambling reviews that never get to the point. Wait a minute, ignore that last part!
Angel Warriors

I dare you to lick it!


Cinematic Crimes Angel Warriors is guilty of:
Angel Warriors

Just call me Powerglove because I’m so bad!

Vessel Sleepy Hollow

Sleepy Hollow S01E11 – “The Vessel”

Vessel Sleepy Hollow

Turn around, bright eyes!


Sleepy HollowThe Vessel
Story by Mark Goffman and David McMillan
Teleplay by Melissa Blake
Directed by Romeo Tirone
Vessel Sleepy Hollow Lyndie Greenwood

Jenny Mills could win the war of apocalypse and still have time for breakfast!


Sleepy Hollow returns (finally!) for the first episode of 2014, and the last lone hour episode before the two-hour season finale next week! We continue the story straight out of Fallen, with a demon jumping between bodies and threatening Captain Irving and his daughter, Macey (Amandla Stenberg). Then things get horror movie crazy, but not before some cute character moments and Jenny Mills, kicking butt.

The Vessel asks what would you do to protect the people you love, especially if there was a crazy demon chasing after them? It becomes a recurring theme through the episode, as Captain Irving goes to extraordinary lengths to protect his daughter Macey, who is specifically threatened by the body-jumping demon, Ancitif(an actual demon) There is new revelations about Jenny Mills, who was also a possession target for the demon (as hinted in her first appearance), as we discover that she often would commit crimes in order to be incarcerated so she wouldn’t hurt Abbie while possessed. It’s an extreme form of sisterly love, one Abbie wasn’t even aware of (as Jennifer correctly deduced that Abbie wouldn’t have believed her, anyway.) But once Ichabod tells her, the healing process between the sisters is swiffened.

Vessel Sleepy Hollow

Pleased to meet you, don’t you know my name?


One thing Sleepy Hollow has been doing a lot of is using familiar cinema scenes in order to set the tone for certain characters and events. This episode has a glaringly obvious example as parts copy Fallen and parts copy The Exorcist (and related knockoffs!) An argument could be made that producers Orci and Kurtzman have a history of stealing iconic scenes in films to use for their own, most glaringly when used in Star Trek Into Darkness. The difference between the STID use and things happening in Sleepy Hollow, is STID was a transparent attempt to use nostalgia to make up for lack of actual characterization/plot/everything that is essential in telling a story. In Sleepy Hollow, things like Jenny’s introduction being a copy of Sarah Conner in Terminator 2 is a shortcut to let the audience know she’s a complete badass. Jenny’s arc then goes in its own direction, with her character’s tone already established. In Vessel, when things switch over to The Exorcist, an effort is made to make the result play out differently, even subverting an iconic effect.

I actually like when the show references films, because it’s not relying on them to provide the entertainment. The entertainment comes from Ichabod struggling to fit in with modern society. It comes from Abbie coming to grips with her destiny and making amends with her sister. It comes from Captain Irving dealing with his family issues while also holding back the apocalypse in what he thought would be a stress-free assignment. It comes from crazy demon scares and monsters that have their own agendas despite being part of a greater war. It comes from Ichabod’s struggle to save his wife while dealing with everything he knew about her being a lie (and discovering he had a son he never knew!) Sleepy Hollow provides all this, and more. It’s consistently diverse, not filled with token minorities, but characters who are rich and developed. The makeup of the cast of Sleepy Hollow reflects modern America, and it does so without pomp and circumstance, it just IS. And it’s great. I’m still amazed Sleepy Hollow became my favorite new show of the season, and amazed at how it just blows Agents of Shield away.

Vessel Sleepy Hollow

Kissy-kissy!


Captain Irving’s paranoia from last week results in one of the possessed threateners being questioned at a lie detector, where he professes to have no idea what is going on. Another witness shows up, who is the current host of Ancitif. Thus, the demon is now jumping around the police station, and calls Irving on his phone to demand the George Washington Bible, or Macey’s gonna get it!
Vessel Sleepy Hollow

He’s seen Carrie Underwood’s The Sound of Music, and he’ll never be the same!