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Lizzie Borden Took an Ax

Lizzie Borden Took an Ax (Review)

Lizzie Borden Took an Ax

Lizzie Borden Took an Ax
2014
Written by Stephen Kay
Directed by Nick Gomez

Lizzie Borden Took an Ax
Lifetime has been breaking out the event movies more and more, which has been leading to some ratings wins. So time to check out Lizzie Borden Took an Ax, the new take on America’s first legendary criminal starring Christina Ricci as the infamous Lizzie Borden. Lizzie Borden Took an Ax certainly shows its chops as a higher caliber Lifetime television movie, but it’s still a television movie and suffers from the limitations thereof. That being said, the majority of the film is well paced and gives us a good look at both Borden’s home life before the killings, and the drama surrounding the trial and aftermath. And some of it is pretty fun, too!

Christina Ricci’s attitude and attire as Lizzie Borden and the more historical setting just can’t keep one from thinking this could be a story of Wednesday Addams all grown up and killing on her own. Lizzie Borden Took an Ax does a bit to capitalize on this, with Ricci wandering around being creepy from time to time.
Lizzie Borden Took an Ax
Where Lizzie Borden Took an Ax gets weakest is that it’s not really a murder mystery, it’s a psychological look at Lizzie Borden. Except it isn’t, really, and might be a murder mystery after all. Or is it? The film’s lack of pure focus is annoying, and despite the script being more tooled for the drama of the trial and the “did she do it?” aspect, the editing has already made up its mind, and doesn’t hesitate to show you via insert after bloody insert. These rapid cuts (ha-ha!) are cool and all, I just wish they were more impactful (ha-ha!) with regard to Borden’s grip on reality. As the weight of the trial bears upon her, Borden becomes medicated and thus less lucid during testimonies. There should be some cool drama here contrasted to her upbringing, but it’s all disregardful for a more straight narrative.

Lack of focus aside, the parts of Lizzie Borden Took an Ax that are fun are very fun, and Borden is a bad girl having fun. Stephen Kay did some research on Lizzie Borden, and theories and conjecture are presented as facts, but also innuendo that might only be picked up if you are familiar with the case. Other parts are not so subtle, and things are fudged a bit for dramatic effect. Things are kept mostly contemporary, except occasional modern rock/rockabilly used for scene transitions setting up the next act.
Lizzie Borden Took an Ax

Lizzie Borden (Christina Ricci) – A willful daughter sick of her controlling father and controlling 1890s lifestyle, so she goes out and parties, even if it means stealing and walking alone at night. Is a Sunday School teacher but “only on Sundays”. The film takes great joy in having Lizzie Borden act creepy, often popping into the scene to be disturbing and even creeping out her sister. I half expected her to be floating above the ground as a creepy ghost or something.
Andrew Borden (Stephen McHattie) – The Borden patriarch, a domineering man who never found a penny he couldn’t pinch. Is shown ripping off his workers and making enemies all over town. Has a rough relationship with his youngest daughter as she rebels against his controlling ways. But she also uses their connection to her advantage, trying to turn him against his new wife. He gets whacked.
Emma Borden (Clea DuVall) – Lizzie’s sister, she’s far more reserved that Lizzie. Away from town at the time of the murders, she returns to find her world in disarray, but stands by her sister through all the tragedy and trials. At least until a party happens.

Lizzie Borden Took an Ax

Happy Face Killer Lifetime

Happy Face Killer smiles on Lifetime!

Happy Face Killer Lifetime

Guilty of being a man on the Lifetime Network! Oh, and all those murders I did!


When it comes to killing, do it with a smile! That’s what I’ve learned in all my years of watching movies where people get killed all the time, but barely anyone has fun doing it. It’s like people are bothered by all the heavy emotional tolls of murder or something. Luckily, Lifetime is bringing us an “inspired by real-life events” movie called Happy Face Killer. Where else can you watch David Arquette be a creepy murderer besides the movie See Spot Run? Luckily, Gloria Reuben is hunting him down, hunting him down like a dog. Named Spot.

Happy Face Killer premieres March 1st on Lifetime. And, yes, the creepo is a real guy, now behind bars forever.

Inspired by real-life events, “Happy Face Killer” follows the hunt and ultimate capture of serial killer Keith Hunter Jesperson. An aspiring cop turned long-haul truck driver after a failed marriage, Jesperson strangled his first victim following an argument and was back on the road again the very next day, killing at least eight women over a five-year span as he crisscrossed the country. Upset after a woman falsely confesses that she and her boyfriend are responsible for one of his murders, Jesperson begins to taunt the authorities by sending a series of disturbing letters to newspaper editors, even scribbling confessions on the walls of highway rest stops admitting that he loved killing his victims. By signing his morbid notes with a happy face, he earned himself the notorious nickname, “Happy Face Killer” and forever left his mark of fear.

“Happy Face Killer” is produced by Happy Face Productions/Front Street Pictures and executive produced by Tom Patricia (“Homeless to Harvard: The Liz Murray Story”) and produced by Harvey Kahn (“Abducted: The Carlina White Story”). The script was written by Richard Christian Matheson (Stephen King’s “Nightmares and Dreamscapes”) and directed by Rick Bota (“Beauty and the Beast”).

via Lifetime

Apocalyse Pompeii

Interview with Ben Demaree, director of Apocalypse Pompeii

TarsTarkas.NET has an interview with Ben Demaree, director of the upcoming Apocalypse Pompeii and crew member on dozens of cult films such as Bigfoot, Jersey Shore Shark Attack, Sharktopus, Dire Wolf, Camel Spiders, Wolf Man vs Piranha Man: Howl of the Piranha, and The People I’ve Slept With.

The plot of Apocalypse Pompeii:

When a former Special Ops commando visits Pompeii on a family vacation, Mt. Vesuvius erupts with massive force, trapping his wife and daughter. While his family fights to survive the deadly onslaught of heat and lava, he enlists his former teammates in a daring operation beneath the ruins of Pompeii.

The DVD includes a gag reel, behind the scenes ‘making of’ featurette, 3 deleted scenes and an audio commentary track recorded with Ben Demaree, Jhey Castles, and Editor Ana Florit.

And now the interview with Ben Demaree:

Q: You’ve had an amazing career working on a lot of output from Asylum, Fred Olen Ray, Jim Wynorski, and other classic sources of B movie entertainment. What tricks have you learned to up the game for the next generation of genre movies?
Ben: I don’t know about ‘tricks’ per se, but I’ve certainly learned a lot about all aspects of movie making from working with everyone you’ve mentioned above, things that apply to all levels of the business.

I’d say that just because a film is low budget doesn’t mean it has to look low budget. The technology that’s available today makes it easier than ever to create dynamic camera moves with complicated actor blocking. And the low light capabilities of today’s cameras have really improved to the point where you can shoot in places and conditions that you couldn’t in the past. So it opens up new opportunities with regards to locations and style. That’s the technical side.

On the artistic side of the craft, I personally also continue to study new and classic movies, as well as classical art, in an effort to expand and enrich my knowledgebase.

The ‘trick’, if you will, is staying open to change, and investing in continued learning.

Q: Landmarks in Pompeii aren’t exactly well known in the US, what challenges were there destroying massive amounts of property while still making it look like important historic buildings are being wiped out?

Ben: It’s a little tricky as people generally seem to think of Pompeii as being just a bunch of stone walls next to a volcano, but it’s much, much more than that. It has buildings, cobblestone roads with pillars everywhere, beautiful (and a bit naughty) fresco’s on the walls, dark places, like the “Garden of the Fugitives”, which has plaster casts of victims as they perished during the pyroclastic flow, and so much more. During filming I had a great production designer, Kess Bonnet, and she would include these details as much as possible. The pillars, the plaster casts of victims, everything she could, to make it more real and identifiable.

Q: Why do you think so many disasters in movies are solved by throwing a nuke
into the middle of the event?

Ben: I’m going to be bold here and say ‘lack of creativity in the writing’. It’s easier to just put in the script “They use a nuke” rather than do the research and come up with some real science alternatives.

Q: Judging from the trailer to Paul W.S. Anderson’s Pompeii, yours should easily be the better film. Do you or Asylum consider the original films the mockbusters are named after, or do you try to be as separate as possible?

Ben: Thank you for the compliment! I think there’s room for both of us in the current market and I truly wish them the best of luck with audiences.

With Apocalypse Pompeii I was hired, and was working for quite some time on it, before I even heard there was another Pompeii film coming out. Being curious I did read the plot description to the other Pompeii movie, but when I saw that their film is set in 79AD when Pompeii was originally destroyed, I knew that our films had nothing to do with one other. The catalyst that is the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius which causes chaos and destruction is really all they have in common, our films are worlds apart. Apocalypse Pompeii is set in modern day and has Adrian Paul playing ex-military man Jeff Pierce, trying to get into Pompeii to rescue his family who is trapped there, played by Jhey Castles and Georgina Beedle. John Rhys-Davies is an old war buddy and does what he can to help Adrian save his family. It really is its own film, and I think it turned out to be quite entertaining.

Q: One of the criticisms of the original Sharknado was that it took too long for the Sharknado to actually show up. For the sequel, will it be nonstop Sharknado action or more buildup to the event?

Ben: This sequel is 10 times crazier than the original and has a ton of ‘Sharknado destroying New York’ type action. It’s basically 90 minutes of run for your life as they battle shark insanity.

Q: Sharknado scored big on internet chatter, but the initial ratings weren’t spectacular (though it did much better on reairings.) SyFy has since reduced the amount of original films it airs (2014 won’t see a new SyFy film until at least April, forcing recent Asylum films like Apocalypse Pompeii to just release through DVD and VOD), do you think the market may be saturated for event films?

Ben: The industry is going through an overall adjustment right now with vod and online viewing, with people’s habits for watching television and movies changing. I’ve seen the difference in my own habits as I will binge watch tv shows online on websites like Hulu, and many of my friends do the same thing. So I think the desire to watch event films is there, I just feel that how and where people watch those films is changing.

Q: What are your five essential films (of any type)?

Ben: Seven Samurai, The Birds, Brazil, Some Like It Hot, and Murder by Death.

Q: If you had unlimited funds and unlimited access to resources, what would be your dream project?
Ben: Hhmmm, tough choice. There are a number of book adaptations I’m iterested in, but a ‘dream project’ – it’d either be filming one of the scripts I’ve written or, now that Disney owns Star Wars, making one of their sure to be upcoming expanded universe films.

Q: Anything else you would like to add?
Ben: Just that I feel very lucky and thankful right now with the opportunity that Apocalypse Pompeii has presented me. It’s allowed me to travel to several countries, direct a fun and dynamic action film, and connect with fans of the genre in new ways. I’m glad to be able to share the film with people and hope they enjoy it. It comes out Feb 18th on DVD, Blu-Ray, iTunes (just announced), and OnDemand. Give it a look. 🙂

We want to thank Ben Demaree for taking the time to respond to our questions. When he’s not shooting films, Ben Demareee can be found on Facebook and Twitter.

Apocalyse Pompeii

Ben Demaree on Location in Pompeii with cast: Jhey Castles, Dylan Vox, and Crew: Luke Rocheleau, Alex Hutchinson

Status Unknown Brea Grant

Status: Unknown is a Lifetime mystery!

Status Unknown Brea Grant

Stop poking me on Facebook, jerk!


Lifetime’s promotion of their original movies is so good, I almost missed this one! With barely any mention on their site, February 22nd will be the premiere of the latest movie about how the internet is dangerous and you should never trust anything on it, Status: Unknown! Status: Unknown will teach you that whenever anyone you care about has weird status updates, that’s because they’ve been murdered and someone is pretending to be them. It’s true, it’s so true…

Despite Lifetime treating Status: Unknown worse than the murderous husband treats his wife in Status: Unknown (at least he updates her status!), TarsTarkas.NET is here to give you the goods. Status: Unknown stars Stacey Oristano, Stephen Colletti, Brea Grant(!), and site favorite Griff Furst. Here is a synopsis from the page that is linked with no image down near the bottom on Lifetime’s movie page:

After a lively high school reunion, Jessica and Cynthia reconnect with their childhood friend Karen and vow to stay in close communication online. After a year of cheerful daily status updates, Karen begins to post some strange updates to her life. When Jessica tries to call Karen to let her know that she and Cynthia will be in town for the week she is unable to reach her. Sensing something may be seriously wrong, Jessica tracks down Karen’s husband Paul to find out where her friend is. Paul tells her that Karen ran off to Hawaii due to marriage issues but Jessica is convinced he is lying. But when random status posts begin showing up on Karen’s page, Jessica suspects that someone else might be behind it…

Sounds like you might want to see a trailer? Too bad! This enigma will have to wait until it airs for us to know whether to hit Like or to just logout and stick to Twitter.

Little Hero Polly Shang Kuan

Little Hero (Review)

Little Hero

aka 諸葛四郎大鬥雙假面 aka Zhu Ge Si Lang da dou shuang jia mian
Little Hero Polly Shang Kuan
1978
Written by Cheung San-Yee and Wu Yueh-Ling
Directed by Chan Hung-Man

This is why Octomom shouldn’t keep her kids!

Polly Shang Kuan beats the fuck out of every phallus in China while transcending gender herself in Little Hero. This statement of fact comes thanks not only to the subtextual and overt piles and piles of dongs and balls, but by her obviously female character entirely referred to as “him”. How much of this is dubbing and how much is present in the original Taiwanese version becomes irrelevant, as we celebrate what the film has become thanks to its transformational event. Little Hero‘s evolution to a perfected form via weird dubbing is not a unique event, but it’s one of my favorite examples of a film improved by the dubbing (this is also conjecture as I’ve not seen the Mandarin-language original, it might be just as fun, but I do not think it can surpass the dubbed version.)

Polly Shang Kuan is no stranger to gender bending cinema, she often plays characters that are disguised as men, are tomboys, and occasionally actually are men. There is even historic precedence for that, with actresses playing male roles in Chinese films and operas since near the beginning of cinema in Asia (and became an interesting parallel to the old opera troops where every role was played by men!) Polly Kuan played characters disguised as men in both serious martial arts dramas and in goofy action comedies. Little Hero leans heavy towards the latter, with increasingly ridiculous villains and gimmicks as the Devil’s Gang breaks out all the stops to try to keep Polly’s character Chu-Kwok Su-Lan from breaking their whole organization.

Little Hero Polly Shang Kuan

I haven’t beat anyone up for fifteen whole minutes!


Chu-Kwok Su-Lan is referred to by every character as a male, despite being Polly Shang Kuan, wearing women’s clothes (and makeup and hair!), and having the male lead obviously attracted to him. It is interesting that Chu-Kwok continually calls male opponents ugly and said other things in regards to their looks, something they wouldn’t really care about unless Chu-Kwok was really a girl. This is one way in which Polly’s character moves beyond gender, he can equally lob insults that would be delivered by a male or by a female, and the villains respond appropriately. The same insults are lobbed at the female villain, who returns the same reaction as the men. The distinction between male gaze and female gaze has been knocked askew. I’m going to follow their examples and be consistent by calling Chu-Kwok Su-Lan male throughout the rest of the review and recap.

Things become a subtext labyrinth when the fighting kicks in. The battles are over two magical swords owned by a family (the magic swords being their own phallic symbols), which involves characters battling it out. At one point the heroes are ambushed by a avalanche of huge stone balls, and some of the huge stone balls have people inside who begin to fight the heroes. And the villains in the balls are crushed to death by other huge stone balls.

Little Hero Polly Shang Kuan

Condorman: The Next Generation!


Another villain takes up the stylings of an elephant, including two huge tusk weapons and a giant elephant head “tattooed” onto his chest. When you see a closeup of the elephant head, it is clearly sporting a giant dong where its trunk should be. At one point Chu-Kwok Su-Lan beats the tar out of him, then becomes angry at his gyrating elephant penis drawing as it moves around when his fat belly breathes up and down, so he stomps on the Elephant Guy’s tummy, gleefully dancing and stomping on this representation of patriarchal penile power.

Speaking of representations of penii, during the final showdown portion of Little Hero, two octopi emerge from the sea to battle Chu-Kwok Su-Lan. Each octopus is obviously a guy in a rubber suit, but are presented as actual trained octopi. And you don’t have to be Freud to understand the eight tentacles the octopi each have are eight nice phallic symbols for Polly Sheng Kuan to battle. And battle she does, stabbing and slicing off several of them! There is even a repeat of imagery where Chu-Kwok stomps on the heads of both octopi simultaneously, their bodies cut off just enough that it looks like Chu-Kwok is stomping on a giant gross ball sack! The octopi exhibit further powers – squirting both water and ink at their enemies (one of Chu-Kwok’s students gets blasted right in the face with ink!) In a final rejection of the feminine way, the octopi begin launching their own children at Chu-Kwok as weapons. This renunciation of motherhood is extreme, the octopi trained to treat their own offspring as expendable, as if they were no better than sperm flying out into the void.

Little Hero Polly Shang Kuan

All right, time to castrate everyone!


Chu-Kwok Su-Lan is awesome and fierce. An orphan child who gets involved in all the martial intrigue has heard of Chu-Kwok before he’s met him, and speaks of him as his big brother. Once he finds out who Chu-Kwok really is, the kid follows him throughout the film, dressing like Chu-Kwok (by wearing male-ized versions of Polly Shang Kuan’s wardrobe!) and declaring he’s going to be just like him. Chu-Kwok has a sort of love interest in Woo Ching Ping, but it is practically platonic (despite Polly Shang Kuan obviously laying on the charm) and he calls Woo Ching Ping his “best partner”.

Little Hero suffers from the plot being hard to determine, even considering that it will be wacky and full of gimmicks. Characters will declare they are about to do something, then do something else before getting around to what they were so urgently preparing to do. The intrigue is complicated, but all boils down to someone being jealous an old guy won’t die fast enough so they can become a legend.

For more fun Polly Shang Kuan films, be sure to check out The Zodiac Fighters, The Eighteen Jade Arhats,Shaolin Traitorous, and the Polly Shang Kuan-centric Infernal Brains Podcast episode!

Little Hero Polly Shang Kuan

My goodness, the subtext, the subtext…


Chu-Kwok Su-Lan (Polly Shang Kuan) – The most heroic of heroes, Chu-Kwok Su-Lan comes to town to beat the tar out of the Devil’s Gang just because he can. Has two students who follow him around and constantly get into trouble. Gains at least one more student by the end of the film.
Woo Ching Ping (Barry Chan) – Martial hero who helps Chu-Kwok Su-Lan investigate what evil stuff the Devil’s Gang is doing. Wanders around and beats up bad guys for most of the film. That’s what real heroes do!
Golden Mask (To tell would spoil the surprise!) – Ignore the fact you can figure out who the main villain is from the cast list and pretend to be surprised when he is revealed! A jealous madman who wants to control the martial world, but doesn’t want to do it fair and square. Enjoys wearing a gold mask and flying around in his flyer when he’s not commanding the Devil’s Gang to do evil stuff. Is constantly getting mocked by Chu-Kwok Su-Lan.
Silver Mask (To tell would also spoil the surprise!) – Silver Mask is totally not an obvious character seen early on in the film. Nope. He’s second in command of the Devils Gang and usually killing characters right before they talk and give away the whole plan.
Octopi (Themselves) – Two octopi that attack Chu-Kwok on the beach. Are pets of Golden Mask and vile tools of oppression.
Little Hero Polly Shang Kuan

This is the weirdest gym machine I’ve ever seen!

Süper Selami

Süper Selami (Review)

Süper Selami

Süper Selami

My mom made my suit!


1979
Written by Yılmaz Atadeniz and Hikmet Eldek
Directed by Yılmaz Atadeniz

Süper Selami

I don’t know why this movie exists!


Who wants to watch a Superman parody where he’s a filthy old man and there is lots of softcore sex? Probably more people than you can imagine, hence the reason Super Selami exists and isn’t just a figment of your imagination! Aydemir Akbaş starred in a slew of softcore Turkish films through the 70s, many of which are probably ridiculously awful, but several of which are genre parodies. Thus the exciting Superman film that is Super Selami. There is also Astronot Fehmi, which is your typical weird guy goes to space and has sex with space babes movie, except Turkish.

This being Turkish cinema, the soundtrack is ripe with stolen songs: the James Bond theme, a disco Star Trek theme, and even an instrumental version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Several more songs sound familiar even if I can’t place them without help.

Aydemir Akbaş plays both the heroic Super Selami, but also the villainous Çengel. That way, he has twice as much screen time, four times as many sex scenes, and eight times as many eye rolls from yours truly. The rest of the roles are minor, and the women exist to either be evil or rescue bait, and all of them get naked a lot. There is a scientist working on something secret. He has a daughter named Ayşe, who is hot and Selimi’s love interest. The Professor’s assistant Nuray is a turncoat. Çengel has another evil girl named Emel on his payroll, mostly so he can have sex with her. Selami gets his powers from a mystical guru who lives in a cave. Everyone else is either a goon or even less important.

Süper Selami

Superman and Hamburglar’s lovechild!


Super Selami is typical low budget smut, gaining interest only because of the fantastical elements of the Superman parody. It offers little of interest outside of historical curiosity, nor is it titillating. Luckily it’s so short, so my time doesn’t feel that wasted. A good rundown of all the times Turkey invoked Superman in their films can be found in our review of Süpermen Dönüyor. As usual with obscure Turkish fare, we went in native, without subtitles. But at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!

Selami (Aydemir Akbaş) – Our hero is some dirty loser guy who flees into a cave and learns how to become a super hero from a mystical guru. The Super Selmai powers only work if he doesn’t have sex, which is sort of bad as this is a softcore film filled with naked women.
Çengel (Aydemir Akbaş) – Villainous leader up to no good. “Çengel” means hook, which is the perfect name because he has a double-hooked hand. Has lots and lots of sex when he’s not up to no good. Unless you think having sex is up to no good, in which case he’s consistently up to no good. Wants to get a formula from the Professor, and resorts to kidnapping and spying to do so.
Ayşe (Dilber Ay) – – daughter of the Professor (Muharrem Gürses) and love interest for Selami, even though he can’t partake in her love. She’s constantly being attacked or kidnapped by villains. There is a singer named Dilber Ay, I’m not sure if it is the same woman or not as this actress.
Guru Superman (???) – – A guru who hangs out in caves in Turkey like all true gurus. He teaches Selami how to use the power of not having sex to turn into Superman with the uttering of “Shazam!” I think this is actor Kamer Baba but I am not certain.
Death to all mimes!