Birthday Sex

2012
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by Austin Brooks

Birthday Sex! We all know the song, we all jam it up on the radio, we all sang it ironically on our birthdays and then moved on to some other song. And now, Birthday Sex is also a softcore flick from our friends at Mainline Releasing, your home for movies that often have more to say than what they appear.

It’s Mia’s 25th birthday! Which is cool because she gets a parade of birthday presents that suddenly become terrible presents and her whole outlook on life changes and this birthday becomes the worst birthday ever that’s also the best birthday ever in the long run. Mia’s 25th is time for her to hit a crossroads, where much is made about how she suddenly wants to grow up and be responsible and boring, while her current boyfriend Tyler just wants to live life and party. Now, I’m not going to get into a big discussion about when it is okay to settle down and when you should still be up all night to the sun for good fun, because each person has their own journey in life. 25 is enough time to have had fun, and to be aware of yourself enough to know what you want in life, though that is far from a requirement at that age (and Lord knows I had no clue and am still winging it years later!)

Obviously, Mia took the Jimmy Eat World line from Praise Chorus seriously, that “even at 25, you gotta start sometime” One wonders if she though no one liked her at age 23 when she was amused by tv shows. One interesting aspect that may be a coincidence or may be on purpose, is that the actress playing Mia has a butterfly tattoo, and later you see butterfly posters on the wall. Symbolically, the butterfly is the mature form, released from the cocoon, while Mia’s journey sees her growing up and becoming the mature form of Mia. She leaves behind her caterpillar boyfriend Tyler to go hang with the fellow butterflies and the flowers.

Packed in this crisis of lifestyle choices are Mia’s two friends, the party girl Kristen (who is crushing on Tyler) and the bitter Sara (who hates all men because she was dumped once!) Never fear, a love interest surfaces in nice guy Simon, but will he and Mia get together, or will all these roommates and different goals and hormones get in the way of a love of the ages. Birthday Sex, surprisingly romantic despite the raunchy title and late night Cinemax air dates.

Tina Hawthorne is rapidly becoming my favorite softcore film writer, to the point where I’m now seeking out some of her films. I don’t know if she’s a real person or just a pen name, but the writing is good, nevertheless. (she also wrote Naughty Reunion, which dealt a lot with the relationships between the various high school stereotypes.) Director Austin Brooks also helmed Sexual Quest, which was another film more about relationships in a marriage than the actual sex, which there was a lot of.

Mia (Amber Rayne) – Our birthday girl who does the titular birthday sex, then promptly breaks up with her boyfriend and has a sort of quarter-life crisis trying to figure out what she wants in life. Amber Rayne’s acting ability increases with the quality of the actors she’s opposite of. She’s like some sort of acting sponge. Another ear or two and she’ll be holding her own with mainstream stars. Amber Rayne was also in something called Black in the Crack: Black in the Back 2. Simon (Brandon Ruckdashel) – Mia’s coworker who has been crushing on her since forever. Is a nice dude, thus Sara targets him for destruction. Brandon Ruckdashel continues to be an awesome actor, see more of him in Cougar School and The Sex Spirit. Kristen (Sadie Katz) – Mia’s roommate who has the hots for her boyfriend, Tyler. Luckily, Mia and Tyler ain’t together no more 15 minutes into the film, leaving a romance option open. Which is sort of bad for Mia, because it happens the same day in the same house, which is her birthday. But it all works out in the end. Sadie Katz wrote the upcoming film Scorned. Sara (Misty Anderson) – Bitter roommate of Mia who hasn’t gotten over being dumped by her ex and now hates all men. She attempts to prove she’s not so bad by sleeping with and then instantly rejecting her yoga teacher Mike. Then she wants to take down Simon. Will this ice queen ever thaw? Tyler (Kenneth Blake) – Mia’s boyfriend who isn’t ready to commit or do anything serious, and it takes an act of extreme bravery on his part to even offer her a key. Thus, they’re dumped, he feels sad until Kristen offers to brighten his mood. The Inaccurate Movie DataBase seems to think Kenneth Blake has only been in one other film, Online Crush. Mona Landers (Tanya Tate) – Owns Mona Landers Publicity, where Mia and Simon work. I’m not sure what Mona does there except have sex with Frank and order Mia and Simon to do work. But I guess it’s good to be the king. She has an odd accent that made it hard to follow what was going on. Tanya Tate is also in Strap Attack 14: The Rules Have Changed. Frank (Alan Stafford) – Employee at Mona Landers Publicity, whose job it is to landers Mona all the time. Also he’s a messenger or something. But unofficially he’s a dude who gets it on. Alan Stafford is also in Horat: The Sexual Learnings of America for Make Benefit Beautiful Nation of Kaksuckistan. Mike (Ryan Driller as Jeremy Bilding) – Sara’s yoga instructor, one of those yoga instructors who come to your house to your special yoga room for one-on-one sessions. Does Sara even have a job? How can she afford all this? Anyway, Mike and Sara do some unofficial yoga positions while naked, and despite her rejecting him right afterwards, they end up together at the end because of yoga power. Ryan Driller is also in MILF Massage Team.

Happy 25th birthday, Mia!

Present #1 is Tyler. In an on-getting way!

Present #2 is a key from Tyler to his place. This is a big step for Tyler, who doesn’t like to do serious stuff. But Mia wants more, she even expected a ring.

Thus…

Present #3 is a break up! Someone fire up that trombone fail sound from The Price is Right! Tyler’s refusal to get serious (or at least pretend he’ll get serious eventually) is the final straw in the camel’s back, as Mia says she’s now 25 and is itching to settle down. Thus, waiting for Tyler is just wasting time.

Mia has two roommates – Kristen, a burnt out blond with eyes for Tyler (to the point where she’s trying to get him to stay while he’s storming off, and accusing Mia of mistreating him in so many words. And she keeps saying “Tyler”, like she’s a mother of one of those 9 billion kids named Tyler that all showed up about a decade ago) and Sara, a bitter brunette whose boyfriend cheated on her, thus she thinks all men cheat and lie, even Tyler.

Mia works at Mona Landers Publicity, and we meet Mona Landers, as she’s boning the messenger at her work named Frank. Mia arrives at work, where Simon is, and he delivers..

Present #4 – coffee and a chocolate muffin. I’m sure you guessed by now Frank longs for Mia’s muffins. Brandon Ruckdashel acts so good he makes Amber Rayne better as he talks about how being 25 makes you think.

Mike the yoga instructor is dropping by as bitter yoga girl Sara stretches and kicks out the jealous Kristen before she can seduce Mike (Kristen is NOT HAPPY that she can’t sink her teeth into her prey!) Mike has one of those serious voices that doesn’t match how he looks at all. Sara worries she’s too cold to people, so Mike tells her to do something risky. What she decides is to kiss him. So, yep, they’re getting it on, yoga style. Let’s queue yoga positions as sex positions jokes, even though they don’t do that in the film.

After they Four Limbed Staff Posed followed by Downward Facing Dog, Sara tells him it ain’t happening again and she doesn’t want to talk about her feelings, so bleh. Mike retorts that she’s being a cold bitch. Sick burn from Mike, even though it’s also an obvious burn. So maybe it’s not so sick. Normal burn from Mike.

Mia and her roomies (and Simon) get together to get drunk. Sara already got started and is putting moves on Simon, while Tyler barges in to talk to Mia in private. This is the excuse Sara needs to take Simon to go “show him something”, which you’ve probably figured out is her vagina. Kristen is sad everyone is leaving her alone, which seems to be all that happens to her character so far in the film. Poor Kristen.

Tyler demands to be not broken up because maybe he’s ready to get married eventually some day in the future down the line before he dies. Mia sees through this and says he isn’t ready to be serious, which just makes Tyler mad. She leaves and takes a bottle of champagne to her room when she finds out Simon and Sara when to go look at something.

Kristen and Tyler get drunk together. What is interesting is Kristen is the one giving the best advise to Tyler, about how he ain’t ready and that’s no big deal because everyone is different, also Mia isn’t the one for him, because she shouldn’t be giving ultimatums. Then they have the sex.

While both couples are getting it on, Mia is looking despondent at the pool. It’s a neat dichotomy that you don’t find too often in softcore stuff. And it’s actual story development! And, yes, they live in a ridiculously expensive house in LA despite being too young to have anywhere near enough money to afford an apartment that isn’t fully stocked with roaches.

Simon and Sara have a spat because Sara had sex with him just to ruin him in the eyes of Mia, and Simon opens the door of the room right as Mia is walking by so she knows that the on was getting.

The next morning all three girls bicker, and now they all hate each other. Happy Birthday!

Tyler and Mia talk where they become just friends and it’s well written and feels real. Almost too real. Did someone write their own breakup into Birthday Sex? Not that I mind. Tyler then gives Kristen his key and they get it on again.

Sara and Mia make up, and Sara talks up Simon. Sara then invites yoga guy Mike over to make up with him and then get it on, while Simon looks for Mia as she hasn’t come to work. No work is getting done at all today at the office, unless you count the boss having sex with her messenger again.

Mia shows up at work just in time for closing, and the boss makes her and Simon do all the work! Which means they’ll have to stay up all night and do the work. Which they do. Maybe Simon and Mia should quit and start their own publicity firm! Fight the power, free yourself from the shackles of the oppressor who is too busy having sex to do their job. And you can easily “borrow” all the contacts as you run off to your own firm!

Simon confesses his love to Mia, who is like “Okay” and then they get it on, happy ending Day After Birthday Sex style.

Rated 7/10 (Mainline, alarm clock, the key, cats, The Fashion Book, butterfly…, another butterfly!)

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