Naughty Reunion

2011
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by David Nichols

I’m too cool for school, and too cool for school reunions!

It’s high school reunion time! Remember your high school reunion, when it was basically a big orgy… Oh, wait, no high school reunion is like that. Except the one in Naughty Reunion! If you’re like me, then you already keep in contact with people you liked from high school thanks to the magic of Facebook and email, thus making high school reunions something to not even bother caring about. I don’t really care how bald and fat everyone I didn’t like got, because high school is high school and I’m an adult.

There is a recurring fantasy of people returning to high school reunions as successful and finally getting that hot girl who is somehow still hot and yet strangely single years later. Naughty Reunion brings that up to 11, as everyone is back to get with someone from high school, even if they don’t outright say they are (and the majority of the characters just say it out loud and proud!) Naughty Reunion does try to say a few things about how people are more than the stereotypes they were in high school. Jax is a bad boy, but also a master mechanic and autocad specialist. Dale is the popular jock with massive insecurities about not accomplishing anything on his own. Kelly is the popular girl who just wants to be popular….okay, maybe everyone doesn’t escape their assigned role. In fact, the general roles helps because everyone will begin to associate themselves with some of the characters or see their friends reflected in them. That’s one of the reasons stories have such diverse friends who wouldn’t associate in real life.

Slightly Bad Knievel!

Jax plays the part of an amoral narrator in addition to his sleazy bad boy act. This allows him to both riff on the various other characters while still being charming enough to be a believable personality. It has the added effect of making a tough personality like his more likable as we spend more time with him. Jax’s boning of so many women also gives him a big brother advice role for the other two guys who each have a particular woman in mind. Much of the dialogue in Naughty Reunion feels like a play. Characters get all expositional at times, almost figuring out their life as we do. And there are random saxophone blasts to punctuate certain emotions, sort of like a gut laugh track. While Naughty Reunion will never be on anyone’s favorite list, it does have enough “will they or won’t they?” that we can’t be quite sure who will end up with who.

There was trouble when Dale insulted the circle cushion couch!

Jax Whitley (Dale DaBone) – Bad boy gone bad who also designs high end street bikes. Is bad, and just wants to go to the reunion to pump and dump Marley Clark as revenge. Acts as our unofficial narrator. Is bad. Dale DaBone was Alex Trebeck in This Ain’t Jeopardy! XXX Marley Clark (Jayden Cole) – Smart girl who didn’t socialize much with anyone in high school. Reacts to being called frigid by being the total opposite of frigid. Is seemingly the only person who came to the reunion without the intention to have sex with someone. Jayden Cole is also in Bikini Frankenstein and Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros. Kelly Ellis (Melessia Hayden as Melissa Jacobs) – Former cheerleader and popularity queen. Keeps up the popularity by getting it on with everyone she can. She must be popular, and declares as much. Melessia Hayden is also in Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders and the classic film Execs Snared in Rope and Silenced with Tape. Dale Camden (Gino Santos) – Football jock and popular student, who has since moved on to owning his own tile store that is basically run by his dad while he does nothing. Is frustrated about all that, but doesn’t bother to do anything about it until he monologues at the reunion. Taylor Cassidy (Erika Jordan) – The quiet girl who comes out of her shadow to go after he old crush Dale. She’s also conspiring with Chester to try to turn him into Kelly dating material. Erika Jordan is also in Baby Dolls Behind Bars and Dirty Blondes from Beyond. Chester Ford (Ryan McLane) – Ryan Styles?? No, wait, this is Ryan McLane. A geeky kid from woodshop who spent the past decade turning into a normal person so he can snag Kelly as a girlfriend, thanks to tips from Taylor. As required by law, his nickname is “the Molester.” Sonia (Daisy Marie) – Her boyfriend Mike is taking her to Hawaii, so she misses the reunion. But she does manage to give Jax a goodbye session for old times sake.

So I was like, that back seat was stained when I rented the car, buddy!

Like all grown ups, I keep my high school yearbook in my bedside drawer!

Jax is working on his motorcycle when Sonia comes by to try to make him jealous she now has a boyfriend. And to get it on. And also to back out of going to the 10 year high school reunion they were planning on attending. Luckily she’s there to quiz Jax on the attendees (as well as give us some exposition on the cast we’ll see soon!)

Jax declares he’s going to nail smarty pants Marley Clark this weekend, and that’s the only reason he’s going. Gee, I hope she’s not married or anything, it has been 10 years….

The whole crew mentioned by Sonia in the prior scene (and listed in our handy Roll Call) are all renting the same guest house, so they start arriving one by one. Jax is drinking beer and still pretending he doesn’t care. Too cool for school.

Everyone arrives and are very transparent about which long-lost classmate they still have the hots for. Luckily everyone’s crush just happens to be a housemate here! Dale won’t shut up about Taylor. Chester is obsessing over Kelly (despite the first thing he does when he sees her again is spilling a drink on her!) Chester is so busy apologizing and feeling stupid that he doesn’t even notice Kelly just goes off and has sex with Dale.

She said WHAT about my tattoos???

You never did say whose line it was, anyway…

Luckily for Chester, Taylor arrives and gives Chester a tutorial on women that’s 100% sex. Kelly tells Marley that her reputation demands that all guys want her, so she is forced…FORCED to go have sex with Jax. All over the kitchen where the entire house is supposed to make their meals for the next few days. Good times. Then Jax blows her off when she wants to go to the reunion together.

Taylor is confused why everyone is in the house together, though the point is not brought up again. Chester keeps saying everyone is his friend, maybe hinting the whole scheme was his idea to get couples together so he could score with Kelly. At least that’s how I’m taking this, as a giant experiment by Chester to get the woman he lusts for.

Jax rants and raves at Marley when she disbelieves that he could design custom bikes despite not getting good grades in English class. She storms off in tears. Dale goes to make sure she’s okay and it’s boning time! Jax watches from the windows because…he’s Jax! That’s just what Jax does.

Later Jax and Dale get into an argument over who is the most immature (which is very mature, btw) and who is boning the wrong people. And Dale totally punches Jax!

The power of Bad Boys

I don’t get that stained backseat joke…

Dale introspects that his life was too easy so he doesn’t feel like it’s his life, it’s what everyone else wants. Then he and Taylor make out and catch up. In the biblical sense. In the gym.

That’s not how you use the elliptical!

Aw, and they didn’t even wipe down the machines…

Chester impresses Kelly with his massive knowledge of women’s dress designers and color coordination. Thanks Chester! And it’s baby making time! Chester becomes a real molester.

It’s sort of odd that the secret to having sex with the popular girl is to show knowledge of women’s fashion on par with a YouTube beauty guru.

I lost in four moves? What a chump…

Guys, misuse of the machines is a violation of your gym membership. Guys, guys??

Jax finally confesses that he was a jerk to Marley and also was in high school and that he had a crush on her. And he really wants her. So neither of them make it to the reunion, because they are otherwise engaged reuniting their plumbing all night long.

With all the random hookup sex that happened without anyone so much as showering, this is one high school class that needs to take a field trip to the free clinic ASAP!

Oh, now I get that stained backseat joke!

Rated 7/10 (painting, face grill, Wienermobile!, 1920s Waitress, the USS Naughty Reunion, art, taking a whiz)

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