Robo Vampire
1993 
| ?? as Tom/Robocop |
| ?? as Gorilla Vampire |
| ?? as White Lady |
| Directed by Joe Livingstone (aka Godfrey Ho) |
The cover of the video for this features Robocop Shooting Evil Vampire Demons. So it is a must get for that alone. Or so you think, until you actually view the movie!!!
A Soldier is in search of Drug Runners in a graveyard when he unwittingly stumbles across a Chinese Vampire (the hopping kind). The Vampire proceeds to kill him. We then cut to some random drug dudes complaining about that damn Anti-Drug agent, Tom. Tom is apparently Supercop, and the Bad Dudes decide to hire some vampires to kill him. We are then treated to a “humorous” scene in the Vampire Vault where some idiot named Ken wakes up some hopping vampires and some Vampire Fu proceeds. Hopping Vampires can be stopped by putting a tag with red writing on their head, so that is done, and there you go.
We are then treated to drugs being smuggled in a dead animal, and the Vampire Master shows off his minions. But during his show, a white ghost lady shows up, declaring that one of the vampires is her boyfriend, and since his parents opposed their marriage, they killed themselves to be together in the afterlife (how Romeo and Juliet of them), but since he’s now a vampire, he cannot join her. Also ghosts don’t wear bras or shirts that aren’t translucent. Vampire Master decides that he will marry the ghost and the vampire if they obey him(said boyfriend-vampire is also a gorilla. Yes, becoming a Chinese Vampire can have “Gorilla” as a side effect. Maybe this explains the Grape Ape cartoon…)
We cut to that Damn Anti-Drug Agent Tom getting ready to go all Bruce Willis on some drug dealers. But him and his team get their behinds handed to them via the vampires. Damn Tom is then blown to smithereens by Vampire Gorilla’s rockets, which he shoots from his hands. What, you didn’t think Vampire Gorillas shot rockets out of their hands? Well, they do! So now the hero is dead and the movie is over. YOU WISH!!!! Tom is dead for exactly 2 seconds, when some random guy asks the Chief if he can use Tom to make an android. The Chief thinks for 3 seconds, and approves this. I guess Tom has no family and was a ward of the Chief. And the random guy is so out of it he doesn’t realize he is supposed to be making a cyborg, not an android. Idiot. So that is how RoboCrap is born.
The Drug Dealers kill a priest and capture a drug agent named Sophie. So it looks like RoboCrap will be the one that saves her. Except that doesn’t happen, and RoboSlop’s movie has almost no connection to her storyline, as she gets a rag-tag group of mercenaries to rescue her, led by some guy named Ray who doesn’t look like a mercenary. There is also someone named Andy, who exists just so he can have a sister for Ray to like.
Two days after being killed, RoboTom is finished. But enough about the title character, let’s get back to story B, Some Dudes rescuing the girl!
The rescue team wastes time at an arm wrestling contest and somehow find someone connected to the bad dudes, but he won’t talk, and then Andy’s sister Wendy shows up randomly and joins the group.
Suddenly, things are happening in the RoboTrash movie, as RoboSnot fights off four vampires at once.
Suddenly, the Bad Dudes shoot rockets! And they work! Anyway, Robojerk dies a death that reminds one of Optimus Prime’s untimely demise. Except that death scene was sad, while RoboSlop’s death is just boring and pathetic. And they just fix him in 5 seconds.
Meanwhile in movie B, the rescue team shoots some people, and run across a town where everyone was crucified upside down. It must have been Impersonate St. Peter Day. And they shoot a little boy with a grenade.
Back to movie A, Ghost Lady and Gorilla Vampire are preparing to get it on, but RoboSlop interrupts them, and they try to kick some RoboTail, but get Robo Kung Fu-ed.
Back at movie B, the rescue team attacks, some unimportant guy is killed, and they rescue Sophie. And that’s the end of that story.
And finally movie A has RoboDork attacking more vampires and the Gorilla Vampire who is then killed, while Ghost Lady attacks the Vampire Master, who sort of kills her, until she isn’t dead and hurts him so Robocrap can burn “him” (AKA a doll in his clothes). The doll is then pulled up in the air by invisible strings for some reason. And the movie then ends. Yee Haw!
Thanks to Mad Magazine!
Rating 4/10 Gorilla Vampires of Badness
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