Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros

2010
Written and Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Hey! Zip it while I’m translating ancient ruins, buddy!

We’re back in black and back in bikinis for yet another entry in the ever-growing Fred Olen Ray Bikini Movie Madness! This time, the world of Indiana Jones gets bikinied a Bikini Jones! Join that ever-sexy science field of archeology as Bikini Jones seduces her hands onto the Idol so she can unlock its secrets before the never-do-wells get their mitts on it and on Bikini Jones’s own golden idol. Bikini Jones features many of the regular cast members circa 2010, most of which have appeared in enough films it’s simpler just to link to their tags than to list all the films over and over again for each actor. Fred Olen Ray reuses the talent because they can get the job done, and done right, and done quickly. But mostly done right.

The later seasons of The Dog Whisperer started to throw in gimmicks for ratings…

Bikini Jones is fun, has fun things going on, and is worth your time. But don’t take my word for it, read the review and then take my word for it! Wait a minute…

Olsen Twin Cop! She’s a cop, and an Olsen Twin.

Dr. Bikini Jones (Christine Nguyen) – A famous archeologist and expert in translating ancient languages. And at having lots of sex. What do you expect when you name your daughter Bikini? The Jones family should be banned from handing out names… Evilla Cruella (Heather Vandeven) – Again with the names that force their owners into a life out of their control. Evilla Cruella was doomed from the start. She’s from Hobokin, but comes from a long line of Morons. Wants to be ruler of Moronica. Carol Summers (Rebecca Love) – An excellent cypher from the Department of National Antiquities…or is she???? Drago (Frankie Cullen) – Frankie Cullen shows up playing what probably would have been the Evan Stone role, as Evilla’s main henchman. Does the dirty work and the dirty deeds. Mr. Martin (Ted Newsom) – The CIA boss who hires Bikini Jones so they can stop Evilla from getting her hands on Moronica. Mark X (Billy Chappell as Tony Marino) – Oh….THAT GUY. Janette the Security guard (Brynn Tyler) – A security guard straight from that school from the Armed and Dangerous movie… Brynn Tyler is the only newcomer in this flick. Sacred Idol of Eros (himself) – The most famous idol from Eros….ever! The Guardian of Moronica (CGI) – Moronica is full of rocks, Morons, and this guy, who eats everyone. No wonder Moronica’s economy is in the toilet…

What do you call a tyrannosaurus that talks and talks and talks? A dinobore! I’ll be here all week, folks.

The most thorough maid service ever!

The totally a real cleaning lady “maid” Dr. Bikini Jones has infiltrated Cruella Industries’s headquarters and locates the Golden Idol. Luckily, people just leave Golden Idols lying around! She checks into her boss Mr. Martin, telling us, the audience, that there is an agreement she can study the Golden Idol before turning it over to the CIA. But in comes a security guard. A female security guard. A naive young lass who is easily fooled by Dr. Jones’s cover story of just being the cleaning lady. A naive young lass who is also easily seduced into sealing the deal with a kiss. A kiss of vaginas! I mean, together the two women read the book A Pocket for Corduroy and learn a valuable lesson about having a pocket for your name card to be in.

As they have their afternoon nap after storytime, Bikini Jones sneaks off with the Idol. This guard is so fired.

Back at CIA HQ, we learn that the Golden Idol is the sacred Idol of Eros, which according to legend has the key to the Temple of Eros encoded on it. We all know that the Temple of Eros has the Tiara of Ayesha, and whoever wears the Tiara of Ayesha becomes the ruler of Moronica! That is Evilla Cruella’s goal, and from her secret lair she demand her manservant Drago go get it! Then she laughs and laughs. It’s joyful to see someone so full of merriment.

Good work, Bikini Jones, I didn’t even have time to make “Throw me the whip. Throw me the idol” jokes!

It looks neat, but the heating costs are through the roof in the winter…

Dr. Jones is late for a date with a shower to get rid of the security guard smell. And as always happens in these shower scenes always do, she pleasures hersel– I mean, she reads The Berenstain Bears Go to Camp. Important camp lessons, these bears teach.

Outside the shower, a woman waits….wait a minute, that’s not how these scenes happen! Usually the second woman is in the shower as well! Also reading. But this woman is a lady Dr. Jones hasn’t seen before, Carol Summers from the Department of Antiquities. Sent by Martin, as confirmed by a phone call. Carol actually uses the “guys don’t make passes with girls who wear glasses” line when describing herself. Dr. Jones mentions she wears contacts, hopefully with the money from the treasure at the Lost Temple of Eros she can pay for lasic. She also mentions a whip fight in Istanbul and having cobras in her pants, so that earns a massage from Carol Summers…which leads to what you think it would lead to…reading McBroom’s Zoo! Ha, those Silver-tailed Teakettlers are awesome, I want one in my zoo.

Hey, that’s not how you scrub clean!

I’m totally a doctor of agentology or something!

Drago dresses as a Mexican wrestler and sneaks around the house while the girls sleep, steals the Idol and Jones’s notebook…but Jones pulls a gun on him and avoids his bribes and threats. Carol knocks her out because Carol is also an agent of Cruella!

After reporting in to eht CIA, Dr. Jones is still recovering from the blow to the head with memory lapses. She doesn’t know if Carol is kidnapped or in on it. Bikini Jones did put a tracking device on the Idol, but in a stroke of pad the film luck, the tracker’s locator device is broken so they need to send a tech over. The tech is Mark X, and he’s currently banging a random chick- I mean, he’s currently reading to his girlfriend Fox in Socks. Yes, this is the Mark X from the Tanya X films, except he’s pronounced Mark Ten, and she’s pronounced Tanya X. Neither are related to Malcolm.

As they have no clue how to translate the runes on the Idol of Eros (the notebook they stole was blank), Cruella sends Carol back to spy on Jones some more. And then Cruella rewards Drago with se- Rewards with reading Mr. Happy and the Wizard. Actress Heather Vandeven is very into telling Drago that he’s being rewarded, she probably had more se– read more Mr. Men books to him.

Bikini Jones and the phallic symbol of doom!

Carol tells Dr. Jones a cover story of kidnapping, which totally works with her change of clothes into a long fancy dress, something Dr. Jones herself points out. Mark X arrives to fix the device, while Dr. Jones goes to see a Dr. Xavier to check her head. But Dr. Xavier is Drago! So he just gives her some drugs and has sex with her– I mean, he gives her warm milk (best song) and reads Sideways Stories from Wayside School. That Wayside School sure is wacky…

And he kidnaps her.

Mark X fixes the tracker, and as he and Carol wait for Dr. Jones to return, they have sex to pass the time- I mean, they pass the time by reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Then he handcuffs her because she’s evil and heads to Moronica!

Look, I’m sorry I wandered off the Santo vs. Los Robocops set!

Drago leads a leashed Dr. Jones to Cruella’s lair. Holy crap, a dinosaur! The Guardian of Moronica! No one has seen it and lived to tell about it, which is why people know about it and we see Dr. Jones and Drago run away. Somehow I think there are holes in that story…

Cruella tries to recruit Dr. Jones to help her find the Temple, and they seal the deal by sexing it up with Drago. No, wait, all three of them read Harold and the Purple Crayon.

Time to go treasure hunting. Mark rescues Dr. Jones as the Guardian of Moronica distracts everyone, then they head to the Temple of Eros and find the Tiara of Ayesha. But Cruella and Drago come in with guns! Then Mr. Martin comes in with a gun..and a dress…and makeup. He’s going to be Empress of Moronica! Holy gender-bender! Ted Newsom totally hams this up, which is awesome.

Somehow we knew it would all come to this…

Mr. Martin prances away, but gets chomped by the Guardian. The characters all realize that the Tiara will be in dinosaur poo! “Let’s get our poop hands on!” say Drago and Cruella. Luckily, the film ends before our characters start digging around in dinosaur dung. Let’s leave that to Jurassic Park.

Bikini Jones is a good entry in the bikini series, everyone looks like they’re having a good time, most of the scenes have good chemistry, and there were plenty of humor thrown in. Then ending came totally out of left field, but who am I to criticize a film for throwing in a dinosaur? We need more random dinosaurs in films! Plus the connection of a character from the Tanya X series (though played by a different actor) links this film to the others, and makes me dream of a world where all the Bikini films take place in the same universe. Thus, there are dozens of people who look identical to Christine Nguyen, Voodoo, Evan Stone, Ted Newsom, and Nicole Sheridan. And is that a bad thing? TarsTarkas.NET declares “NO!”

I can’t believe it…this Temple of Eros is really a gazebo!

Rated 8/10 (My ID, My seal, My Jayden Cole, My nervous system, My anatomical model, My eye, My villa, My TIE fighter window)

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