Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet

2006
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Now this is good scifi! And good softcore! Finding a movie that has both is a rare feat, indeed. And this one is a blast! The plot is the standard Mars Need Women/Devil Girl From Mars fare, except it is Female Aliens Need Sperm. Thus…the softcore. We applaud Fred Olen Ray for this one! Sure, we have done a lot of these films by now, but as every entry is its own different genre, things keep from getting boring. The films are generally entertaining as well, putting them light-years ahead of some of the snooze-fests from Seduction Cinema such as the similarly named Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet or the lethargic thriller-type movies that also show up all the time on Skinimax yet rarely never giving a satisfying viewing experience. These films are fun for everyone! So bring on the fun.

Kim Read (Nicole Sheridan) – Your average college student with a libido overdrive, Kim realizes meeting two alien girls can probably get her higher grades at school, and maybe even fame. My favorite line of hers is bragging about her C-average to the two alien girls right after meeting them, it seems ad libbed and hilarious. Nicole Sheridan headlines a lot of these films, see her also in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini, Super Ninja Doll, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, and Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes. Gary (Voodoo as Alexandre Boisvert) – Kim’s man whose method of study doesn’t translate well to making good grades. For some reason Voodoo has a goofy fauxhawk this time, which distinguishes his character from all the other Voodoo characters in these films. Said films are Super Ninja Doll, Ghost in the Teeny Bikini, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, and Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes. Annie (Syren) – Subordinate officer of the mission to Earth. Needs to be educated about males, but soon gains an enthusiasm for learning. Keeper of the milk jug. See Syren here as well in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini, Super Ninja Doll, and Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle. Commander Danow (Christine Nguyen) – Commanding officer of the mission sent to get some Earth jizz. Helps educate her colleague as to the vile habits of the Earth male. Then she has sex with her. Oh, yeah! Do you get the joke in the name of the two Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet? Because it is the reason I listed them in this order. I’m not going to explain it, so there! See Christine Nguyen in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini, Super Ninja Doll, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, and Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes. Professor Thomas Quatermass (Brad Bartram) – Professor of Astronomy who gives his students extra credit. He also works with the MIB agency for the government, because all astronomers fight aliens as well. We got a name drop to the British character who has been appearing since the 1950s. Brad Bartram is also in Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Ghost in the Teeny Bikini, and Bikini Airways. Decker (Evan Stone) – Evan Stone camps it up again, this time as a MIB agent assigned to go after the two alien girls. He also has time to get some tail on the side. Name drop is from Blade Runner, for the two of you who didn’t get it. See Evan Stone in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini, Super Ninja Doll, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, and Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes. Queen Morganna (Rebecca Love) – Leader of Aqua-Terra, planet of women who love women. You don’t wear shirts when you are the queen. You may have seen Rebecca Love in Itty Bitty Cheerleaders vs. the Big Boob Squad 2 or Debbie Does Dallas: East vs. West, or even # Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre, but you probably did see her in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini. Audrey Wagner (Michelle Lay) – Audrey Wagner is the 4H teacher at the university. Because all universities need 4H! Michelle Lay is also in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini. Hobart (Ted Newsom) – Leader of the MIB who orders Decker to take down the Bikini Girls. That’s all he does. Ted Newsom does bit parts in several of these bikini films, see him briefly also in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini and Super Ninja Doll.

You wouldn’t know it, but this is the filthiest picture on this site!

Space, the exploding credits frontier! Fancy graphics aside, we open as Kim Read is using a telescope. She is joined by Gary, who quickly changes from watching the skies to watching the neighbors. It helps that his neighbor is Regina Russell in stock footage from Bikini Airways (she is called Cindy Miller here, for the 2 of you who will care about inane details like that.) Kim Read is failing her classes at college, thanks to Gary’s idea to watch Hercules and the Mole People for a report on ancient Rome. Should have went with Hercules Against the Moon Men. This leads to sex, because, well, it is complicated, but it does and they do. It. With their private parts. gladiator style. Then Mole People style.

Meanwhile on planet…the moon? That’s no moon, it is Planet Aqua Terra, the Ice Planet in the 4th Quadrant of the Galaxy Zeta. You know, next to the McDonald’s with the cool Playland? Yeah. There are no men on Aqua Terra, and the women love women. Queen Morganna gets a communiqué from a breast-ed ship – is it the USS Boobyprise? No, just the Phalnax. Commander Danow and Annie are the two lone crew members. If you have seen enough of these movies, you will recognize the set they are on (it has been seen in both Ghost in the Teeny Bikini and Super Ninja Doll so far here.) The two girls talk with Morganna, who helps explain their duties. Syren calls Aqua Terra “Agra Terra”, which confused me for a bit because I am paying attention to the part of the film that most people don’t care about. Their mission: to go to Earth, have lots of sex with dudes, and bring the best studmuffins back to Aqua Terra for the breeding program. This has been done every 20 years, in case you were wondering. By the way, all men are disgusting, worthless and vile, in case you were wondering.

Kim meeting with Astronomy Professor Quatermass, she is failing this class and all classes. She has a learning disability because all she can think about is sex. It is like Sexlexia, the sexy learning disability that Zap Brannigan has. Soon she is earning extra credit, if you know what I mean. Up in space, Commander Danow shows Annie video of earth men, and of sex, which is a clip from a Beverly Lynne movie that I don’t know the title of offhand. They also use more footage from Bikini Airways to show they will need to get into bikinis, because it is the uniform of Earth women. Annie wants the green bikini, so she exchanges sexual relations with Danow to get it. Hold the phone…LESBIAN SEX! HOORAY!!

A faux Imperial March Theme plays as the ship approaches Earth – nice. The transporter used to get to Earth will be the Brainalyzer in Super Ninja Doll. They beam into Professor Quatermass’s office, but no one is in. Outside at the college, they fail to get someone to bone them with direct requests, so they will enlist a female to help them. Guess which female? If you said Kim Read, you earn a Gold Star! Kim has just earned a C-average and could probably use the rest. She thinks they are in a sorority, so they admit they are aliens. Kim does what everyone does when aliens present themselves, she takes them to her house for proof.

The alien space girls’ mission has same plot as issue 13 of Lost Planet Lesbos, the best comic book in the world. The two alien girls can’t sex up Kim because they can only spend sexual energy getting men. Rigid requirements, but that is the code they chose to honor when they were selected for this mission. Can there be a work-around…

Uh oh, the MIB are on the case! Hobart calls in Mr. Decker, they must find out what aliens are up to. What is weird is they even know what planet they are from (this is a well informed secret agency!) Decker is to meet with Professor Quatermass, who does contract work for the MIB as a side job, because a University salary doesn’t pay much. Back at Kim’s house, Gary arrives and finds out he has to help two “Swedish exchange students” (the alien girls) learn about male sexuality (by having sex with them) as Kim watches (and later joins in.)

As a completely out there aside, just imagine how things would have went had Kim Read ran into ALF!

Quatermass is working on a report as Audrey comes in to try to get him to take a break. A sex break. They are interrupted by Decker, who needs to talk with Quatermass about Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet. Back at Kim’s place, the two alien bikini girls give proof they are aliens with a vibrator that shoots a disintegration beam. We cut back to Decker talking with Quatermass and Audrey (which is set to a faux-Axel’s Theme from Beverly Hills Cop) After the briefing, we find that Decker must erase Audrey’s memory – then she suddenly thinks he is her boyfriend and they are about to have sex!

The sex scene has to wait, as Kim finds Quatermass, and the bikini girls return to ship with a gallon of milk. Wait a minute…that’s not milk!!! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s disturbing. In unrelated news, this film is very popular in Japan…

The two alien girls call home and suggest taking actual men back to the planet, Queen Morganna agrees (despite saying they would snatch people in the opening of the film, but, whatever.) Quatermass is now at home of Kim and Gary, but there is no sign of MIB guy Decker because his sex scene has been delayed until now for better pacing. Michelle Lay continues to be very enthusiastic about things related to relations.

The girls beam back down, but near a bum and not in the apartment or Quatermass’s office. Kim and Quatermass are out searching for the girls, who beam back into Quatermass’s office when they are there. The bikini girls have managed to snag two members of Hanson that will be taken back to the home planet – Captured people are shrunken down and represented as Ken dolls in plastic tubes – then they blast Quatermass to take back also! They also blast MIB man Decker and then blast Gary! We have lost the entire male cast to Ken dolls! (except the bum and Hobart) Kim mourns the loss of Gary….for 1/2 a second! Poor Gary.

The two alien girls then beam up to ship to go home, and the movie ends with a sex scene on ship – 4 people: the two alien girls + Decker and Gary! So we end as the Bikini Girls start their long journey home.

We conclude another Fred Olen Ray Bikini picture. After see a lot of these (including a few future reviews), we have started to recognize certain themes besides the regular actors and actresses. There are about 15 songs or so that are used during the sex scenes, and some of them have familiar refrains and are used in almost every movie. There is the “duh duh duh” song, the soft and sweet romantic song, the Linus and Lucy song, and a few others that don’t have describable names but are familiar to the trained ear. It has gotten to the point where we expect the familiar songs to appear, and get pleasantly surprised occasionally when a new one shows up. I think we get one new song a movie, but I am not sure. (I’d have to go back and rewatch all these films again and set up a chart. I am obsessive with weird crap from movies, but not that obsessive!) This was a solid effort and a great twist on B-movies of yore, so it gets a good grade!

Rated 9/10 (F, That’s no moon.., Computer voice, Men are disgusting pigs, This is the horror that men do to women, Beaming down, Wiping minds, It’s Ken!, Not my man!)

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