Ghost in a Teeny Bikini

2006
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Here we go with another amazing Bikini film from Fred Olen Ray (once again directing as Nicholas Medina) that has a fun time spoofing genre movie conventions and making the production look like it was make for ten times the cost. Ghost in a Teeny Bikini diverges from one of the classic plots of bikini films. Normally a relative dies and leaves a business to be saved by bikinis and boobs, but here the dead relative just leaves a bunch of money, and the plot springboards to a murder mystery with a surprise musical thrown in for good measure! In addition, we get the titular ghost in the teeny bikini (played by Nicole Sheridan) running around amidst the over acting. The film itself is a lot of fun and entertaining, but if you were watching for a quick fix of naked chicks, you’d have to put up with distracting plot elements in between, and I can realize how that would turn off people at 3am flipping back and forth between Cinemax channels looking for a flash of skin. Bikini films are known to be chock full of terrible puns, but the puns in this film are the thickest that I have seen yet.

We have a return of many familiar faces. In fact, I have seen so many of the more recent Bikini films that when I watched a few older ones, I was disappointed that most of the actors were different. Yet, there is no clear line jump between generations, as the casts blend into each other, a continually evolving mesh. Thus some older people run around with newer members all the time. It’s like the Circle of Life, except there isn’t a gay lion tossing Darth Vader off a cliff. That’s in Bikini Lion King, due out in 2011. The title obviously refers to the movie The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini, this is so obvious I won’t even point it out.

First, the cast. ROLL CALL!

Muffin Baker (Christine Nguyen) – Yes, Muffin Baker is really the name of her character. Christine Nguyen heads the cast of this Bikini Epic as actress Muffin Baker, who has to go attend the reading of a will of a dead rich uncle, only to be the target of….MURDER!!!! Christine Nguyen was seen here previously in Super Ninja Doll and Tarzeena. Tabitha the Ghost (Nicole Sheridan) – Our title ghost in a teeny bikini, is listed here second because she is sadly only in a small portion of the film. Nicole Sheridan is in so many of Fred Olen Ray’s Bikini movies that she had to give someone else a spin, and it let her be a cool ghost character who can make sarcastic comments. Nicole Sheridan was also seen here previously in Super Ninja Doll and Tarzeena, and will be seen here again. Ted Wood Jr. (Voodoo as Alexandre Boisvert) – I wonder what person Ted Wood Jr. could be a reference for? Obviously acclaimed director Ted V. Mikels. I’m good at getting references! Director of B-movies and boyfriend of actress Muffin Baker. Victim of drugged sex. Voodoo is married to Nicole Sheridan, and stars with her in a bunch of these film. Archibald Weisenheimer (Brad Bartram) – The evil Archibald Weisenheimer is evil, which you can tell from his evil name, evil accent, evil mustache, evil daughter, and evil evilness. And he’s evil. So that’s bad if you aren’t evil, like Muffin Baker, who evil Archibald has decided to kill to get lots of money. That’s what evil people do. See Brad Bartram be not evil in Bikini Airways. Marsh (Evan Stone) – Evan Stone is in so many of these movies playing goofy characters, you spend time watching them just waiting for him to show up in a ridiculous costume. And here he is, in some sort of emo butler role. Stone breathes life into the role of Marsh, who seems like a simple butler following Archibald’s orders at first, but soon blossoms into a full-fledged independent man. Who gets it on with the maid and the psychic. Boo-yah! Evan Stone was also in Super Ninja Doll and Tarzeena. Evilyn (Rebecca Love) – Hey, where is Skeletor? Evilyn has warped over from Eternia and is now posing as the daughter of Archibald Weisenheimer, who is no better of a schemer than the old Filmation Skeletor. Rebecca Love is another of the parade of adult actresses in Bikini films. How can she not have back problems? That’s all I’m saying. Madame Zola (Syren) – Madame Zola is the psychic brought in to try to contact Uncle Cyrus from beyond the grave. No contact takes place, but Madame Zola’s private parts make contact with Marsh’s after she is possessed by Tabitha looking to score a quick booty call. Syren has become a fixture in the later Fred Olen Ray bikini films, and has been seen her before in Super Ninja Doll and Tarzeena. Fuscia (Michelle Lay) – The maid at Uncle Cyrus’s estate. Very enthusiastic about getting it on. Michelle Lay shows up again in Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet.

Now the plot:

We start off with sex scene in sci-fi setting, as a tied up Muffin Baker is rescued by Bardo. His killing of giant ants leads to random sex, because why wouldn’t killing giant ants lead to sex? Them was basically a giant orgy, and Gi-Ants is just a collection of fifty cumshots with the word “Movei” misspelled on it. The sex scene is pretty well lit, and they throw in a random WTF shot of Christine Nguyen holding a machine gun while riding the guy. Yes, that is a real fetish. This is all a movie, and I don’t mean Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, but a movie within a movie directed by Ted Wood Jr, boyfriend of Muffin Baker.

After the scene, Muffin is delivered a telegram telling her that her Uncle Cyrus died. Delivery boy Eric Spudic gets a tip…two tips, to be exact. Spooky time, as Tabitha the Ghost is watching via crystal ball (why does a ghost need a crystal ball?) Tabitha knows evil Archibald Weisenheimer is up to no good. And he is, because he is plotting to bump off Muffin Baker as soon as he can so he gets the inheritance. Marsh the butler is there as Archibald plots his scheme, but he is too busy looking emo and gothic to pay much attention. Tabitha decides she will help Muffin, because she’s dead and it is not like she has much else to do.

Back at Muffin and Ted’s apartment, we get sex scene #2 between Muffin and Ted. There is some imaginative camerawork and angles here, and the sequence goes on for quite a while. After that, they drive up to the mansion/estate of Uncle Cyrus, where the reading of the will will take place. Maybe by a guy named Will so I can cram more wills into that sentence. Marsh the butler gets the door for them, before launching into a musical number out of the blue when asked how he got the job! Yes, Evan Stone lip syncs to a song by the Moon Rays (Official Site) and dances around hilariously in Evan Stone style. Ted and Muffin can only stare with mouths agape.

The song is over as quickly as it began, and now Muffin and Ted meet with Archibald and his daughter, Evilyn. Evilyn has just returned from feeding Beast-Man at Snake Mountain. There is also a maid named Fuscia, who you should remember because she has sex later. It is important to the plot. Maid sex. In fact, she has sex right now, with Marsh, after he brings in Muffin’s luggage. Actress Michelle Lay is very enthused and vocal about her sex, and can be seen doing more of the same in Bikini Girls From the Lost Planet. Archibald has sex on the mind as well, except involving his daughter (not like that!!) He wants her to seduced Ted so Muffin will be alone and vulnerable for murder! Evilyn is used to this sort of thing, she totally did Man-At-Arms just so she could post the pictures on MySpace and embarrass Teela, who ran away to Facebook.

Before murder, we got to have a seance! Because Uncle Cyrus said so in his will! It also allows us to have Syren stop by for a day of shooting as Madame Zola. Madame Zola runs the seance, because that is what seance runners do. She fails to make contact with the spirit of Uncle Cyrus, but Tabitha is a spirit and is there, so she fools around with Archibald just to make him look ridiculous. It is a successful gambit. Afterward, Madame Zola speaks with Marsh. Well, sings with Marsh, as it is now her turn to break into spontaneous song! We even get an added bonus of scenes from the 1922 classic film Nosferatu. Tabitha gets bored with this singing crap and just possess Madame Zola so she can get her freak on with Marsh, who is happy to freak. So they freak. It is not freaky.

Muffin not in the mood for sex, which leaves Ted quite upset. Ted reads a book, because that is what you do when you are horny but alone. In comes Archibald’s daughter Evilyn with drugged drink (drugged with Spanish fly-type stuff) and soon they are sexing it all up, Greyskull-style! He slips his Power Sword into her Trap-Jaw. After the deed, Muffin comes in to apologize, but is now enraged at Ted. She runs outside and begins to sing as Archibald desperately tries to drop a potted plant on her head. The voice sounds like it is actually Christine Nguyen singing. She is saved by Marsh, who doesn’t seem as bad as he looked.

It is now time for the reading of the will – it basically says that a key and the treasure chest it belongs to are both hidden in the house, the chest is filled with deeds and money. Finders keepers. Archibald hides the fact that there is a clue saying the hidden location has to do with Muffin’s childhood.

You know what I would do if I was Muffin and heard that family fortune depends on me finding a hidden chest and key? Go to the bedroom, remove my shirt, and take a nap. Because that’s what she does. Luckily, Tabitha visits her in her dreams, for lesbian sex. You heard me right! LESBIAN SEX! Lesbian sex totally rules. It’s true. I read so in a magazine. The lesbian sex is so powerful it even allows Muffin to figure out where the hidden chest and key are! Muffin heads to a secret room (and leaves the door open, WTF Muffin??) and finds the chest (and the creepiest doll I have ever seen!) She then carries to chest to her uncle’s ashes, which also have the key inside! Muffin has saved the day, too bad for her Archibald and Evilyn enter the room with a gun to take the $3 million from her!

This is why you never trust people named Evilyn!

Tabitha enters the room and appears as a ghost, scaring off Evilyn and causing Archibald to beg for his life, in doing so confessing to killing Uncle Cyrus. He shot him in his achy breaky heart. Ted arrives with a British cop (when did we go to England?) played by Ted Newsom, who arrests Archibald and Evilyn. Everyone is happy (except Archibald and Evilyn) and Ted and Muffin reunited and get lots of money. It was fun seeing Ted Newsom pop in right at the end, he has shown up in Super Ninja Doll and Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet so far (of the movies I’ve seen.)

So we have reached the end of another journey through the heart of bikini country. I hope you had a bouncing good time. We laughed, we cried, we made He-Man jokes, we watched spontaneous singing, and through it all remained the best of friends. Until next time, when bikinis once again invade this great nation to the joy of all mankind!

Rated 8/10 (Credit pose, Doggy Doing, Sound Man, Camera Dude, Concentrating on his part, Ball of wonder, Scenes from a totally different movie, Not an O-face!)

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