The Coed and the Zombie Stoner

2014
Written by Scotty Mullen
Directed by Glenn R. Miller

Zombies! Frat parties! Nude chicks! Drugs! Crass jokes! The Coed and the Zombie Stoner is a modern mish-mashterpiece of crazy that won’t settle for just being ridonkulous. Much as Dark Helmet sends Spaceball 1 into ludicrous speed, The Coed and the Zombie Stoner makes its own pattern of plaid, and thankfully is wearing its helmet!

The Coed and the Zombie Stoner begins with nude chicks and a zombie attack, and then backs up to the Warm Bodies-esque love tale, by way of the Mary Jane. Marijuana is the cause of and solution to the zombie menace, as the weed is partially responsible for the experiment gone awry that causes the zombies, as well as keeping the zombies calm so they don’t attack people.

Special breakout performances from Jamie Noel as Bambi, the sorority bitch from hell! In a most excellent scene she drops her own version of the cunt-punch email that made the internet rounds, and you believe in your heart of hearts that her character would gleefully threaten such a thing.

Lena Young and Dora Pereli as Bibi and Bunny, goofy sorority besties who can’t seem to keep their clothes on. I’ve been around enough to know you have to be very good to act that goofy and ditzy and energetic without it coming off a totally fake, and they nail their performances. Even Chrissy joins in on their sorority chants in the middle of crisis, it’s how infectiously charismatic these two are. Those suds in the opening scene? Spontaneously appeared because of how bubbly these two are!

Zombie purists will get annoyed that the Romero rules aren’t being enforced, but zombie purists are annoying, so good. The rules seem more like the Return of the Living Dead rules, except pot mellows the zombies out. The zombies retain much of their minds, and even stage elaborate scenarios and entertaining games as they devour their prey

The Coed and the Zombie Stoner is like the 1980s college flicks and zombie flicks crashed into each other, then were bathed in 2010s sensibilities. There are references all over the place to other films, and at times it seems we jump right into a scene from one of them. The Coed and the Zombie Stoner is a clearinghouse for toilet humor. Not just the actual humor involving toilets and bodily functions, but within the universe. The frats and sororities have provocative names like KY House, DIK Frat, and even ZBE Frat, the fraternity that foreshadows. Christine Nguyen cameos as a librarian, and Mindy Robinson has a bit part as Nurse Escandalo. So there is just so much fun going on, let the party begin!

Chrissy Chrysanthemum (Catherine Annette) – Brilliant college student, sorority sister, and researcher who talks and talks and talks and talks. Her constant talking leaves her without a boyfriend and in danger of losing her scholarship, until she meets a nice zombie guy who listens. Rigo Fabian (Grant O’Connell) – Secret zombie who lives in one of the labs, he’s from back in the class of ’85, yet only Dr. Avon knows he’s still around until he starts dating Chrissy. Is a nice guy zombie except for his zombie temper. was a brilliant researcher before the accident. Bambi (Jamie Noel) – The Queen Bee of Sorority Crazy, Bambi is a force of nature that destroys all in her path. Anyone who dares put things out of place gets demolished and humiliated, and her usual target is Chrissy. Bibi (Lena Young) – Super energetic sorority sister who spends most of the film forgetting to wear clothes and hanging out with her BFF, Bunny. Bunny (Dora Pereli) – Super energetic sorority sister who spends most of the film forgetting to wear clothes and hanging out with her BFF, Bibi. Spike (Andrew Clements) – Chrissy’s brother and local DJ. Has an unfortunate encounter with a zombie’s hand. P.J. (Ben Whalen) – Chrissy’s ex-boyfriend who dumps her right at the beginning of the film for Bambi, and then spends the whole time acting like the gigantic douche he is. Dr. Pier Avon (Louis J. Dezsoran) – Chrissy’s boss at the university and the only person who knew about Rigo all these years before he is introduced to the rest of the school. Brad (Aaron Caleb) – Nerdish frat guy who can’t catch a break, or a girl, though has caught a cold sore. Gets in touch with his feminine side. Romero the cat (???) – A very naughty cat who is also a pot zombie as well as a namecheck reference to zombie movies.

After a brief shot of the naked and panicking Bunny and Bibi locking the doors of their sorority house and putting on clothes while the annoyed Bambi yells at them and opens the doors – only to let the zombies in – we jump to the required 28 days earlier.

It’s spoiled Bambi’s birthday party. The party is a raging kegger taking place on campus in a room that has poles for strippers and bubble machines that have suds all over the room. I don’t remember a room like that in any of the colleges I went to or worked at, but maybe I missed it. Chrissy’s brother Spike is the DJ. Bambi’s sorority sisters are all dancing with plumbers who are inexplicably at the party, and geeky frat brothers Brad and Kamikaze are put in a “jail” where they can’t leave until they get a kiss. No one kisses them.

Chrissy the science geek is making jello shots in the lab for the party. We briefly meet Dr. Pier Avon and Romero the cat (or the bad pussy, as he’s told). Chrissy is Bones smart and talks like she walked directly off the set of that show, except she’s bad at learning second languages and has failed a course yet again. This sounds sadly familiar since I had to retake a language class in college yet was kicking butt in the sciences. On her way to the party she runs into Professor Hagfish, an ornery scooter-riding professor who is Mrs. Deagle from Gremlins transferred to a college campus.

Chrissy’s boyfriend P.J. breaks up with her at the party because she talks too much – and he’s getting a mouth party from Bambi when he does it! A mishap soon occurs as the red jello shots get knocked into the bubble machines, causing the bubbles to start pouring out red bubbles, and things go all Caddyshack as everyone freaks out thinking that period blood got in the bubble machines. A tampon-related party disruption, if you will.

Later at the KY sorority house, Bambi dresses down the rest of the sisters with an epic speech based on that epic sorority girl email. The term “cunt-punch” is gleefully tossed out. Bambi lays down the law, admonishing the ladies for dancing with the plumbers instead of the frat boys, and saying everyone needs a fraternity brother for a boyfriend within the next 24 hours, or they are kicked out of the sorority. This will affect their scholarships, and Chrissy has a moment of panic that no man will date her.

What Chrissy needs is a nice zombie boy who listens. Luckily, one lives in secret in the lab she works in, as he puts a blanket around her when she dozes off. She manages to track him down, and isn’t instantly horrified at the fact he’s the living dead.

Dr. Avon explains how the zombie was his best student, a guy named Rigo Fabian from back in 1985. Rigo even invented his own version of super pot, and also a machine to extend life. But… Rigo got super high one day, thought the machine was a shower, and turned it on! Things went all The Fly and the machine combined his DNA with the DNA of the pot to turn him into a zombie. Totally plausible. Also, Romero the cat had also snuck into the machine, so the cat is also a pot zombie.

Rigo attempted to live a normal life as a zombie student, but one he got over-excited in a club and bit someone, turning everyone there into zombies. Now Rigo is too scared to leave the lab, lest he hurt people again. Thanks to all the marijuana he grows, he only eats rats or raw liver.

Chrissy gets Rigo to join the frat ZBE in exchange for giving them a herpes cure, so now she can have a frat boyfriend to save her scholarship. There is a music montage, some zombie lovin’, and relationship hijinks. Rigo can’t talk and Chrissy loves to talk and talk, so it is a perfect match. Chrissy and Rigo are voted Cutest Couple on Campus, which totally makes enemies with Bambi and P.J. Bambi will not suffer anyone who takes her glory to life.

Meanwhile at the charity underwear run, Bibi and Bunny realize they never wear underwear, so they are just doing the event in the nude while everyone else runs around in their bra and panties.

Bambi and P.J. plan to separate and destroy Chrissy and Rigo. Bambi frames Rigo for sleeping with her thanks to some undies she stuffs in his pocket. Rigo can’t exactly defend himself, what with the no talking except grunts thing he has going on. Then P.J. taunts Rigo to bite him, stamping out the blunt Chrissy tries to use to calm Rigo down. That’s a bad move, and P.J. get bitten and turns into a zombie. Soon everyone at the ZBE frat house except Chrissy get bit and infected except Chrissy (and Bambi, who just leaves). Rigo manages to save Chrissy from becoming a target, and soon every zombie reverts back to doing frat house male entertainment – drinking, smoking weed, and playing video games. Instead of being trapped in consumer culture, they are trapped in brosumer culture.

Disaster soon strikes as the charity underwear run arrives. The zombies go nuts, body counts rise, heads get ripped off, kicked, put on the wrong bodies, smashed. Basically the CGI blood budget goes into overdrive. Bunny and Bibi discover that their nakedness causes the zombies to become paralyzed with lust, so they encourage the other girls present to whip out their cans to defeat the zombie menace.

Chrissy has Bibi and Bunny go back to the sorority to protect everyone there, while her and Rigo try to warn other people on campuse, namely at the library. A library where Christine Nguyen is the librarian! Despite her “Shush!”es, the zombies soon get in and attack the stacks. 2014 is the year of movies with fight scenes in college libraries where someone is wearing a football uniform, as it happens here (with a football zombie guy) and in 22 Jump Street! Despite the football zombie and a wrestling team zombie, Rigo manages to protect Chrissy and they escape to go to try to save her brother, Spike.

The scene from the beginning replays, and we se the result of the unlocking the doors is a zombiefied Bibi, Bunny, and Bambi.

Spike is sitting at home getting his gaming and blazing on when zombies come a’knocking. It’s not the end of Spike, because thanks to all the weed he had in the air, all the zombies are calm and partying with him. He doesn’t seem to notice that they are zombies, perhaps because he’s distracted by the topless zombie, much as the zombies were distracted by the topless humans. They manage to get him out and take the weed as well, but that upsets the zombies who soon go berserk. Despite slamming the door shut, a zombie hand manages to get through and crawls up Spike’s pants, jamming itself in his behind.

Yes, a zombie hand just rammed itself up a guy’s butt.

During all this, we see the zombie trio of Bambi, Bunny, and Bibi chow down on the campus parking enforcement guy (who, like every real campus parking enforcement guy, is a corrupt theif and waits out meters to pop up to deposit tickets on.) The zombies have ganked survivors (including Christine Nguyen) and forced them to judge a zombie beatuy pageant of Bambi, Bunny, and Bibi. Bambi is awarded the top honors and the humans are honored by becoming lunch.

Spike is taken to Nurse Escandalo (who is dealing with a crowd of STD-riddled college students) In what might be the most embarrassing scene in the flick, he mishears talk about STDs and thinks that an STD will prevent being a zombie, and demands one of the guys there have sex with him.

Chrissy figures out how to make a cure for zombism, but they need to get back to the lab for her to make it. In doing so, she explains why she’s not been affected by the zombie plague despite swapping spit with Rigo on numerous occasions. It’s because of chemicals in the makeup she uses, which interact with the pot.

They arrive in the lab and find Dr. Avon is still alive, but zombies beging to swarm the lab, lead by Bambi, Bibi, Bunny, Brad, and Kamikaze. Chrissy has to work using her makeup and Spike’s weed, while Spike and Rigo defend the doors. Brad turns into a girl because the makeup she used also has estrogen in it!

A new batch of the cure is whipped up, and tested on Romero the cat. He’s cured! But the zombies have broken in, so they blast the invading zombies and Rigo with the cure. Bambi, Bibi, and Bunny are cured! Kamikaze is cured!

Rigo is cured! Rigo is human again. And Rigo speaks! Speaks French! Because he never learned English, and his brain was frozen when he was turned into a zombie so could never learn English and thus never had any idea what Chrissy was saying the entire time they’ve been dating. Chrissy just can’t deal with her boyfriend of the past month having not understood anything she said, along with the whole zombie plague possibly ending the world thing going on outside. She has a freak out that jumps us into a scene from Airplane!, with people lining up to shake and smack some sense into her.

Chrissy makes a whole bunch of the cure and prepares a bunch of gas sprayers for the group to use. Everyone spreads out to get their cure on. Basketball games, zombie carnage sprees, the cure is sprayed everywhere. Also the cure is largely marijuana, so Bunny and Bibi spray a bunch of it on each other, get really horny, and start having lots of sex with Spike. Chrissy also breaks up with Rigo, as she is still upset over the whole not understanding her thing.

Everything seems to be coming up Milhouse, except the cure reacts negatively with botulinum. Which is in botox. Which is in Bambi. So Bambi looks like she’s 100 years old, covered in wrinkles, and she can’t be turned into a zombie to get pretty again because she’s now immune. Unless she uses the zombie machine that started the whole mess, and so she kidnaps Rigo and Dr. Avon to do it.

They got to stop her, but there are still a bunch of zombies in the way, and not enough cure. SO the solution is to go all Dawn of the Dead chopshop montage and turn Kamikaze’s mom’s car into a zombie killing car! Now zombies can be ran down without mercy!

In the lab, Bambi shoves Rigo into the zombie machine and makes Dr. Avon turn it on. Chrissy arrives after the machine is activated, but can’t turn it off, because that might also kill Rigo. Chrissy realizes that her being upset at Rigo was a mistake, and she really does love him. We even get line saying “You weren’t the zombie in this relationship”!

The machine sets to overload, and explodes, releasing a cloud of zombie gas on the campus. Reverse zombie gas, as it cures all the zombies! Everyone is saved! Rigo isn’t dead, and their relationship is saved! It is a happy day for everyone, except all those people the zombies killed. Unless the anti-zombie gas also rebuilt their maimed and chewed bodies. Pot has medicinal properties, but it’s not that medicinal!

So the world is saved (minus the stinger that shows maybe not) and everyone is free to live life and party and get high and be nude and smoke weed and date French people. Which is what America is all about. USA! USA! USA! USA!

As you can probably tell, this movie rules, so hunt it down so it can rule you, too. It’s the rules!

Rated 9/10 (nurse, patient, face, face, the hagfish, many many skulls, STDs are the real zombies!, video game cameo, every stoner movie needs Doritos!)

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