Stacked Racks from Mars

2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

They got all this way before they realized they left Grandpa back at the gas station!

Earth is once again the target of alien conquest and alien lust in Stacked Racks from Mars! Invading aliens are always coming to Earth with plans to invade, and plans to have fun shore leaves, which almost always result in the aliens choosing not to invade. If there’s one thing humans are known for in the galaxy, it’s fucking anything and everything that comes to Earth. ALF, ET, Predator, Mac – they all pulled in tons of tail! Where do you think Disney gets the raw components for their latest generation of kids from?

Stacked Racks from Mars is another femalien invasion movie where alien ladies possess the bodies of Earth ladies and proceed to go on a sex spree. This time, the ladies specifically say they were conscious the entire time while the aliens use their bodies to have sex with random people. However, they don’t seem to be shocked at all by the experience of being possessed and coerced into situations of rape, and are instead more mad at their husbands, who have sex with the alien women. That’s a neat trick to try to dismiss the fact the women are being raped, and unfortunately I have to give demerits to Stacked Racks from Mars because I’ve never been comfortable with these scenes, and prefer everyone being totally down with getting down. At least this time the women are freed, unlike in Housewives from Another World, where they are trapped forever while the aliens control their bodies.

Stacked Racks from Mars is cartoonish in nature, with several scenes that are played up for ridiculousness. The ending especially, which gives off Benny Hill vibes and deflates what should be more serious repercussions. If you miss that spaceship set that gets used a lot in low-budget features, it makes a reappearance, complete with a sex scene on the table. All the other classic Retromedia/Synthetic Filmwerx stuff is present, from the usual core cast (with a few newbies) to the familiar music.

Vala 27 (Erika Jordan) – Experienced commander of infiltration and invasion missions for her empire. Despite her battle-hardened persona, still likes to engage in pleasures of the flesh in the local fashion. Isis 15 (Christie Stevens) – Fellow female alien conqueror. Is very interested in the pornographic transmissions of the Earth creatures. This is her first conquest/recon mission. Veronica (Beverly Lynne) – Customer service representative at Merton Products. Is married to Jim. Upset that her husband is always working on the weekends. Is possessed by Vala. Stephanie (Sophia Bella) – Fellow employee at Merton Products. Is married to Mike. Also upset that her husband is always working on the weekends. Is possessed by Isis. Jim (Voodoo as Alex Boisvert) – Drone worker at Merton Products who is always busy on the weekends at work, but he’s really busy doing something mysterious with Mike. Married to Veronica. Very bad at hiding, and at acting calm. Mike (Seth Gamble) – Drone worker at Merton Products who is always busy on the weekends at work, but he’s really busy doing something mysterious with Jim. Very good at hiding, but not at acting calm. Mr. D’Angelo (Ryan Driller) – Arrogant boss at Merton Products who doesn’t respect his workers, their wives, or potential HR and lawsuit problems that come with sleeping with the wife of an employee who is also an employee.

A ship warps into space near Earth. It’s two crew members are female warriors Vala 27 and Isis 15, who have been sent to Earth because it’s next in line for conquest by their species. Vala 27 commands Isis 15 to report home on their arrival. Isis is worried about rumors that Earth is dangerous, while Vala reassures her that nothing can go wrong. They have a secret weapon – an infestation pod – which is just two buckets stuck together with some erector set pieces glued on. With that, the Earthlings won’t be able to fool them, and Earth’s resources are theirs for the taking. Also they can go shopping. Lots and lots of shopping.

The on screen graphics inform us that it’s Friday. Fire up that Rebecca Black song! Veronica is working customer service at a mail order business, dealing with an angry wife. The company accidentally sent the wrong product to her husband, who requested a “back vibrator”. You can imagine what was really shipped, and what did happen when the guy went ahead and used it regardless. Next time don’t use the giant mystery dong you get in the mail, dude! I just store mine by the fireplace.

Veronica also upset that she never has time to see her husband Jim with their busy schedules. Her friend and coworker Stephanie also has problems with her husband Mike being too busy. All four of them work for the same company, but the two guys mysteriously are always working weekends. Veronica and Stephanie make plans to go hiking together.

Later at home, Jim is up to something more than just work, talking on the phone with Mike and emphasizing how secret it is. He covers it up when Veronica walks outside to join him at their pool. Jim says he’s going to be busy later, so they get it on right now while they can.

It’s now Saturday and Stephanie and Veronica are hiking. Stephanie is worried that Mike is cheating on her, because people have seen him around town when he’s supposed to be at work. Also she hasn’t had sex in months. She gets incredibly upset when she finds out Veronica had sex with Jim just a few hours ago.

The aliens have arrived in orbit. They watch a clip of a different Synthetic Filmwerx/Retromedia film featuring Frankie Cullen and Mary Carey getting it on. This leads to a discussion about human sexuality and how they need to disguise themselves while on Earth, because Earthlings are either ignorant of alien life, or will want to hunt them down.

The ladies target Stephanie and Veronica for mind control using the infestation pod, launching where the two ladies are out hiking. While waiting for the pod to land, Vala and Isis decide to debrief each other about Earth mating customs. Which means they have some alien lesbian sex.

The infestation pod lands near the hikers, who go over to check it out. And get infested! But not horror movie infested, just their bodies are now taken over by aliens who can make them do things and they can’t control any of it despite being conscious the whole time. So I guess it is horror movie infested. Vala takes over Veronica, while Isis takes over Stephanie. Through the power of plot convenience, they know how to get home to the addresses listed on their drivers licenses, and thus do so in order to figure out how best to integrate themselves into their hosts’ lives. There is no real indication the aliens know what the women they’ve possessed are thinking. The two alien women realize they can’t start nailing everyone they see and must stick to their hubbies, at least until they know enough human weaknesses to conquer Earth.

Mike and Jim are at Mike and Stephanie’s house conspiring on something secret, and then freak out when they see Stephanie coming home. They guys had told the women they were at work all weekend. Mike manages to hide, but Jim ends up getting caught while Stephanie/Isis acts weird. Stephanie/Isis assumes Jim’s there to see her for sex, like in the porn movies the alien ladies watched on the way in. Jim goes along with it and now it’s rape and he’s also a bad friend.

Veronica/Vala is at Veronica’s house and muses on what a fireplace poker is for. Jim then comes in and acts very very suspicious while trying to act not suspicious. He gets weirded out when Veronica/Vala asks about his day, as Veronica never cares. He starts going on a rambling explanation about how his job is boring and saying stuff like “Always keep the boss man happy.”

By Monday the two guys discuss their wives acting weird. Stephanie is suddenly watching tv all day (she hates tv), while Veronica went to the library, which is also out of the norm for her. The two are talking with their boss, Mr. D’Angelo, where they are obviously covering up something by saying they aren’t doing any extra work in their time off.

After the two guys finish the meeting, Veronica/Vala walks into Mr. D’Angelo’s office to put into practice that “you have to keep the boss man happy” statement Jim made, by getting it on with Mr. D’Angelo to keep him happy. After, she asks why her husband is working on the weekends, and Mr. D’Angelo tells her that Jim is most definitely not working on the weekends, and an intern could do his job. What a great boss!

The girls scheme to find out what is going on, assimilating into the lives of their hosts by trying to expose their husbands’ shenanigans. Stephanie tries step one – seducing her husband Mike with rose petals on the bed and lingerie when he comes home from work. Once the seduction has finished, she demands to know what he’s doing on the weekends. Mike keeps saying he’s working, but later calls Jim to warn him the ladies are onto them.

Jim wants them to lay low until 2pm on Saturday, when their big meeting is. But the ladies talk and Stephanie/Isis realizes that Mike loves his wife, so him acting suspicious is weird. They decide they need to know what is going on by Saturday, or else they have to report the mission as a failure. Yes, the mission to conquer Earth is doomed if they don’t figure out what these two guys are secretly doing.

Veronica and Stephanie’s plot is to invite the guys for drinks on Saturday afternoon, insisting they come despite Jim’s whiny faces. The party is at 1pm, the meeting is at 2pm, so Jim and Mike scheme to get the girls so drunk they pass out so they can make the meeting. Jim and Mike scheme a lot, and they don’t seem to be any good at it.

Veronica showers before the party, and we all know what happens when women shower in these movies. And yes, it does happen!

It’s party time, but the plan to get the ladies drunk gets sidetracked when Stephanie mentions that she had sex with Jim, then Veronica says she had sex with D’Angelo. The guys begin freaking, but the aliens reveal themselves by beaming in next to the wives (who now stand still with eyes closed) and explain their recon mission.

The alien babes still want to bang the men, who agree, but first they send the wives away so they aren’t just standing their while their husbands go all cheat crazy. So now it’s four person sex scene time! The two alien ladies still have all the jewels glued to their foreheads as they get it on, which is sort of funny. No, there is no partner switching, but the women do make out while each are having sex with the guys. I didn’t notice any high fives from the guys to each other, which is a sign of ultimate sex scene cornballism.

The aliens declare Earth is saved, as they aren’t going to invade. Jim and Mike think it’s because they are so good at sex, but the space ladies say it’s just because humans are too damn weird, and are like “whatever” as they beam away.

Then the wives walk in…and were aware the whole time!

What was the big secret the guys were keeping? Nope, it was not starting their own rival business, which was what was being hinted, it’s just they sneak out and play golf all weekend long. GOLF! They sneak off to play golf and escape their wives. So we end with cartoon sped up wives chasing the husbands with golf clubs for domestic abuse fun!

Now, I did think the twist being something completely stupid was hilarious, but we also have the space ladies leaving before they figured out what the guys were up to, despite the big plot point being them trying to figure it out! Unless their leaving was just a ruse, and they were still in control of the ladies’ bodies as the men confess…

Rated 6/10 (filmwerx in mysterious ways, awfully phallic fountain, duck hunt, shock and shock, let’s get through this, blasted to Earth)

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