Zone Fighter Episode 07 – Zoonfamirii Kikiippatsu!

aka Zone Family’s Critical Moment!

1973
Written by Satoshi Kurumi
Directed by Kengo Furusawa

A fancy new back massage technique!

March of Godzilla 2014 kicks off with an entry where there is no Godzilla! Yes, we’ve gone loco, because we’re plugging the holes in the Godzilla collections. Which means I have to take care of all these Zone Figher episodes that I didn’t do the last time I was doing Zone Fighter. Never fear, Godzilla will show up again in some of the upcoming episodes, along with Godzilla films getting reviews and a few other cool things. For now, it’s Zone Fight Power!

For those of you who need a refresher course of who is who in the world of Zone Fighter, stop on by the Zone Fighter Splash Page to get all your questions answered…and then some! Who knew Zone Fighter would be so complicated?

Now that you are all caught up, let’s get Zone Fighter Episode 7 Zoonfamirii Kikiippatsu! (Zone Family’s Critical Moment!) started! It is critical (that’s what the title says!) that we begin…

A giant monster called Dragon King is having fun burning a local city and headed to a dam, until Zone Fighter spoils his fun and easily defeats this fire-breathing idiot. Except for the small bit where Zone Fighter manages to get himself buried under a bunch of rocks. That’s pretty rock-headed of ol’ Zone! Zone Fighter guns him down and Baron Garoga is totally mad and smashes his tv! Yes, Dragon King was one of Baron Garoga’s Terror-Beasts, and he’s terrible in his not very goodness. Dragon King breathes fire and has a temper, and that’s about the only notable thing about him!

Baron Garoga already has a new plan, he’s got a duplicate of Hotaru Sakimori all set to do evil stuff! Diabolical!

Real Hotaru is hanging with Takeru Jou at the moment. She invites him to go get cake, but he seems repulsed by the cake at the cake cafe, which makes sense because Takeru Jou is a freaking weirdo and only freaking weirdos don’t like cake. Freaking weirdo. Real Hotaru goes to the bathroom, where Garoga agents lies in wait in disguise. She’s gassed by the Fake Hotaru and replaced! But because the Garogas are morons, they take the unconscious Real Hotaru body out of the bathroom first and to the car out front, right where Takeru Jou can see all this happening and he runs to follow in his own car. As this is years before cell phones, he can’t call the rest of the Sakimori family to let them know what’s what.

Speaking of the Sakimoris, the whole Sakimori family is waiting for Hotaru to get home so they can eat dinner. Which means the Real Hotaru would have been late and spoiled her dinner, and everyone else’s! But Fake Hotaru arrives and is all cheerful and everyone is fooled, because they are fools.

Fake Hotaru dumps a giant amount of grey powder poison into a tiny coffee creamer pot, and douses the Sakimori’s tea with the poisoned cream. The Garoga agents have Real Hotaru tied up in a warehouse and are using a tv to show her footage of Fake Hotaru poisoning her family. Of course, no one in her entire family takes cream in their tea (why the crap do they have a tea creamer then???) and they make fun of Fake Hotaru for forgetting their tea preferences, so she tosses their tea cups aside and storms off. The family takes this in stride like it always happens. Which has scary implications!

Jou attacks the Garoga guards (who are currently in human form and look like gangsters in suits and sunglasses) and defeats them all in a fight….somehow. Remember how the Garogas were more powerful in previous episodes? This time the Garoga take out a freeze ray and shoot Takeru Jou in the hand and face.

Fake Hotaru’s new plan is to use a time bomb to just blow up the house, something the Garoga could just do from orbit with a big rock, but whatever. Mom Tsukiko Sakimori is concerned that Hotaru is acting weird because she doesn’t remember their tea preferences. Also because she has Garoga webbed hands! How did Fake Hotaru get through dinner with obvious webbed hands???

Fake Hotaru is exposed and turns into a silver Garoga who begins pummeling Tsukiko until Hikaru becomes Zone Fighter and fights and fights and fights the evil Garoga until Zone tosses the Garoga off a cliff.

Where the Garoga explodes. Yes, he explodes! Try not to make your Garoga out napalm, Garogas! Also, this means Fake Hotaru could have destroyed the Zone Family by just falling down the stairs in their house as she’d explode and kill everyone.

By now the Garoga see the writing on the wall and have already sent down a new monster, Gilmaras! You know he’s a tougher monster because he’s at the end of the show and not the beginning. And he looks sort of like Gigan mated with Titanosaurus, except he’s based on a swordfish.

Check out this killer strategy Zone Fighter uses on Gilmaras: First Zone Fighter runs away, with Gilmaras right behind him. Then Zone Fighter turns around and does a weird arm maneuver that doesn’t make contact with Gilmaras, who runs right past Zone Fighter and then falls down. It’s just that easy to beat up these monsters!

This would be totally cool if it wasn’t totally stupid!

Now for some monster-pummeling time as the Zone Fighter theme plays! Zone Zone Zone! At one point Zone Fighter rips off Gilmaras’ nose, then stabs it back on…backwards!

I think Zone Fighter is a sadistic madman.

Zone Fighter proves me right when he shoots Gilmaras and blows him up.

Note that Zone didn’t need energy boosts for either of these idiot monsters. The Garogas are upset that both the monsters this week sucked, and are probably preparing sternly-worded letters to the terror-beast manufacturers. Expect many lengthy Garoga congressional hearings over this!

Zone Fighter and Zone Junior take Smokey and go looking for Real Hotaru…and find her easily! Time to beat up some Garogas. Somehow this fist fight isn’t as epic as either of the monster battles. Because he’s just fighting nameless goons, not monsters! Maybe if a Garoga was breathing fire or something…

Hotaru tells Zone about the time bomb that’s still in the house, so he rushes home (this time taking the flying car Mighty Liner instead of Smokey) and tosses the bomb out the window just as Grandpa Sakimori finds it.

This is why you don’t use a time bomb when you can just remotely detonate a bomb. Or suicide vest it. Or fall down the stairs. Seriously, why isn’t there a show where someone blows up by falling down the stairs? I would watch.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Let’s run on the beach! And that’s how we end this week’s Zone Fighter adventure. With random sandy frolics.

Rated 5/10 (logo, just a tiny pinch of poison, froze, gloves, crazy face)

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