The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I.

2007
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

I keep mine next to my Merry Marvel Marching Society card!

In TarsTarkas.NET’s quest to eventually get around to things, several Fred Olen Ray Bikini flicks are on the bucket list. So let’s begin to empty said bucket(which sadly had been buried beneath a pile of thousands of buckets filled with thousands of lists since 2004!) The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I. is the first of the Tanya X movies (so first that she’s called Tania X here!), which went on to have two sequels (Bikini Royale and Bikini Royale 2) and a webseries that I believe was edited into another film. But this is the one that started it all.

Attica! Attica!

The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I.‘s biggest problem is the date rape sequence. I’ve watched enough of these types of films that I know that slipping a woman some drugs that makes her super-horny is occasionally a thing, but here it’s done in an ultra-sleazy manner and Tanya wakes up with memory loss the next day. It’s disturbing.

Something that is interesting is the scene where Mong Lee (played by white actor Evan Stone), a sort of white warrior servant who wears mixed Asian combat garb, dresses in yellowface as a super stereotypical Asian person, right down to greasy black hair, ridiculous Coke-bottle glasses, and buck teeth. He wears the disguise over his own clothes, which bulge out from underneath, and it is insanely obvious that he is not what he appears to be. Needless to say, the disguise works. The thing is, is this disguise racist, or is the character using Asian stereotypes that the heroes fall for to his advantage to do his job, despite not being Asian? And if so, would that make the heroes racist, and Mong Lee someone who takes advantage of the ignorance of the masses? These are the questions asked by so many people watching these Skinimax flicks at 2am!

Mission: Impossible 5 was almost as bad as Mission: Impossible 2!

While the problems all go away by the next Tanya X adventure, we must discuss them, because them’s the rules. The spy genre’s campy nature makes it a ripe ground for parodies, allowing the adding of fantastic elements in addition to the expected hot babes in little clothing. The genre’s mainstream acceptance also means there will be spy erotic parodies for decades to come. Heh-heh-heh, I said “come!”

Tania X (Beverly Lynne) – Secret agent of B.I.K.I.N.I., put on the case to track down who is interfering with the Sensible Satellite Radio signals. Mr. Whatley (Brad Bartram) – The boss of B.I.K.I.N.I., at least until the next film… Mark Ten (Voodoo/Alexandre Boisvert) – Agent of the CIA who becomes part of the case as he’s tangentially related with his bodyguard duties. Samantha Rhinehart (Rebecca Love) – Heir to the Rhineheart family that owns Sensible Satellite Radio, is a nymphomaniac (the best kind of maniac!) Was being guarded by Mark Ten, who brought her along when he teamed up with Tania X to find out what’s going on. Patty Mercury (Nicole Sheridan) – Stripper who knows of information concerning the jamming of agent satellite feed. All strippers are well versed in satellite communications information. That and clear high heels. Mong Lee (Evan Stone) – Fay Wong’s servant Evan Stone’s wacky costume this movie is vaguely Japanese warrior garb. How did this warrior come into service of Fay Wong? That is a tale that is for you to write! Fay Wong (Gianna Lynn) – Tong warlord and secret mastermind behind the plot to control agent radio signals. Not sure why, because this plan won’t make any money and will just put a target on her back from every spy agency in the world. Randolph Davis (Randy Spears) – Rich businessman who is up to nefarious deeds for cash. He’s also a date rapist, so fuck this guy! Kim Chee (Lacie Heart) – Fay Wong’s lady friend that she does lady friendly things with, those lady friendly things being sexual in nature. Nikita (Anthony Hardwood) – That show Nikita is pretty good, and the other, earlier show was also good. And the movies are various levels of good. This Nikita isn’t a show or movie, but is a Russian agent who gets caught in Tania X’s web of seduction. And then caught in her right hook.

The Mime from BIKINI!

Just snapping my toenail art for Instagram!

A Secret Agent Man-ish surf song plays during the opening credits as Beverly Lynne struts her silicone-extended stuff on the stripper poll. You will also see that she is about a billion times more flexible than you will ever be, unless you are one of the many former Olympic gymnasts who read TarsTarkas.NET regularly. Kim Zmeskal, Kerri Strug, Betty Okino, Shawn Johnson — all TarsTarkas.NET readers! It’s completely true and not something I’m making up to fill space.

As the movie actually starts, Tania is getting it on, cold war style, with some Russian dude named Nikita. She wears him out and takes photos of documents, but he is wise and has gun. So she just punches him out. Dirac!

Tania X is an agent of the Bureau of International Knowledge Intelligence and Nonstandard Investigations – B.I.K.I.N.I. You may have heard of it, it’s in the title.

Mr. Whatley is the boss, and he takes the film. He also lets us know that someone is jamming Sensible Satellite Radio – where channel 6969 is the special channel used to communicate between secret agencies.

Stripper Patty Mercury has the tip, so Tania X goes to visit her at the strip club. Which means we get an extended stripping scene! Tania X meets her after the show, Patty Mercury tells her story of Randolph Davis and his suspicious phone call, but she’s apprehensive about giving out phone number and address…until some lesbian sex cures her worries!

But that lesbian experience will be her last, as Patty Mercury is hit with a poison dart and dies mid-coitus. What a sudden end to some lesbian action. Mr. Whatley has the dart analyzed, the poison is…Asian! OMG! From Asia? Land of Asians? That’s amazing, because no one in this film is Asian.

When are we switching over to digital spy cameras?

Is she trying the whole “put suntan lotion on me” maneuver inside?

Tania X goes undercover as a writer at Randolph Davis’s house, as Tania is INCREDIBLY obvious in her sneaking around, Randolph Davis puts some drugs in her drinks. This gets her all horned up and soon they are getting it on, date rape style! You know, I can’t really enjoy a sex scene that’s all date rapey. Let’s hit fast-forward to her waking up in her car in a parking lot outside the B.I.K.I.N.I. office. So she just goes inside and talks to her boss.

Tania does remember some documents mentioning a Fay Wong, it is it known that Fay Wong the Tong warlord runs an export business as a front for her illegal activities. Fay Wong is in her hideout in the stock footage land of China, in a CGI brick Buddha building. Gianna Lynn is the best actress ever. Fay Wong likes to hang out in her room with her lady friend Kim Chee. Fay Wong is delivered a report from Mong Lee, who is Evan Stone dressed up in Japanese warriorish garb. After his report on B.I.K.I.N.I., he then sexes Fay Wong up, Asian gaijin style

Tania heads home to eat some Chinese takeout all alone. Upstairs, the music is gets all dramatic, so we know something is up. Especially now that the cameraman has gone all peek-a-boo. Tania strips for the shower, while a mysterious person is going through her purse and ganking her gun. Tania is too busy putting the shower massager to good use to notice, and will be busy for the next several minutes.

After the shower, a masked leather luchadore attacks! But it is just Mark Ten, CIA agent. He’s assigned to the same case, so wants to team up. His job is to guard the heir to the Rhineheart family that owns Sensible Satellite Radio, Samantha Rhineheart. Who he brought with him to hide at Tania’s house. Tania is mad…until she sees Samantha…and her giant giant sweater puppies. Samantha mentions the threats on her life and how that wreaks havoc with her sexaholic problem. One thing leads to another and soon all three of them are getting it on, Tag team secret agent sex style!

His secret drawer is filled with pictures of LOLcats!

Hey, it’s me, Totally Asian Guy!

After the long sequence of sexual sexiness, it is revealed Fay wong is watching the whole thing via a magic portal in a bowl of smoking liquid she is carrying. One of those red wooden bowls you can get at Ross for like $8. I knew those bowls has special powers! And not just the special powers of lead contamination!

Tania and Mark go to talk with Whatley, but he says no to babysitting, and will instead send Tania to China. Mong Lee is disguised as a yellowface traveling brush salesman and uses Samantha’s stupidity to his advantage. He gasses her and carries her off, also knocking out Mark Ten and Tania.

So let’s go to China and get her back! China looks a lot like Southern California…

Samantha is being welcomed to Fay Wong’s place with a special lesbian threeway with Fay and Kim Chee. This is how you welcome guests to your home in China, btw.

After the magic of triple lesbian sex, Samantha is tied up on a rack and a blade swinging on a pendulum comes ever closer. Ever closer to her huge rack that is tied out in front of her! Samantha is becoming more and more in danger of going from F-cup to A-cup… This is the greatest trap ever.

Mark Ten and Tania creep closer to the hideout. Tania KO’s Mong, grabs Samantha, and runs back outside. Mark Ten blows up the secret base with a disposable ink pen rocket launcher, and then everyone walks back to the airport. No one seems particularly concerned with getting a shirt for Samantha. Things wrapped up rather fast!

Back in the USA, Tania reports to Mr. Whatley. And Tania and Mark Ten are in love, even though by the next film she is more just annoyed with him than anything.

I hear she has some pretty big fans…

And the crowd goes wild!

Rated 7/10 (Eagle, billboard, vodka, dart, sneaking, extra, hard drinking)

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This movie and Half Baked both feature characters who are on a couch almost the entire film!

Speaking of Half Baked…

Can I keep the pot jokes up for yet another caption? Yes! Looks like she’s really smoking that bowl!

Filmed on location in China. Or California. Which is sort of like China, except it isn’t.