Lady Chatterley’s Daughter

aka Lady Chatterley’s Ghost

2011
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Juan Medina)

Look, it’s a magical butterfly! Flap flap flap!

Despite a few interesting touches, Lady Chatterley’s Daughter is slow going and takes too long to get to the plot, what little plot their is. It’s not absolutely terrible, but it’s part of a pedigree of of Bikini films that everyone admires, so higher standards must be held. In that end, Lady Chatterley’s Daughter fails to deliver an interesting story, and will more likely end up with late night Cinemax watchers asleep on the couch.

This ain’t how you bust ghosts!

As the well-worn tome shown during the opening credits attests, D.H. Lawrence’s 1928 book Lady Chatterley’s Lover has had quite an influence on erotic literature (and other erotica!) And now it will vaguely influence this film! Senator Reed Smoot said of the original work: “I’ve not taken ten minutes on Lady Chatterley’s Lover, outside of looking at its opening pages. It is most damnable! It is written by a man with a diseased mind and a soul so black that he would obscure even the darkness of hell!” Needless to say, it’s import was banned before being fought over in the courts (where the book and others like it prevailed in 1959 and was allowed to both be imported without censor and published in the US.)

Lady Chatterley’s Daughter marks some of the transition between Retromedia and Synthetic Filmwerx, as Retromedia still has the opening production company clip, but Synthetic Filmwerx’s name appears as well in the title credits.

Talk to the hand, because the face is busy boning a ghost actress who haunts a book to save my marriage!

Sandra (Holly Sampson) – Lonely housewife married to Charles. Spends her days reading Lady Chatterley’s Lover over and over again. Holly Sampson is also in the Emmanuelle 2000 series, including Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise, as well as the whole Tiger Woods scandal thing. Charles Maitlin (Randy Spears) – Successful estate lawyer married to Sandra, but also getting some side action with Connie. Which he doesn’t know is part of a larger plan. Randy Spears is a Bikini movie regular in addition to his other softcore and hardcore work. Connie (Jessie Lunderby) – Constance goes by Connie, and shows up as a live-in maid, but is also Charles’ mistress. And she’s a ghost! Spoilers. Jessie Lunderby reads all her lines like they’re a run-on sentence. Which sort of works in giving her an other-worldly feel. Constance is also Lady Chatterley’s first name in the novel. Sophia (Cassandra Cruz as Vanessa Brink) – Sandra’s friend who both does not believe in tarot cards but also constantly does tarot card readings. It is a mystery! Cassandra Cruz is the star of Bigger the Pole, the Tighter the Hole; Gov Love: The Eliot Splitz-her Story; and Club Satan: The Witches Sabbath. Keith (Nick Manning) – The handyman/gardener for the Maitlin household, and Sandra’s fantasy lover probably because he’s the only other male around. In real life they are good friends, but not good enough for Keith to warn Sandra fishy things are happening after having sex with Connie. Nick Manning is also in The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad

Windows 8 requires a constant wifi connection to your post-it notes!

Old School Twilight books!

Sandra is even reading it while young stud Keith is going to town on her naughty bits. Soon both go to town on each other and we’ve got so much town to go to that someone should call a guided tour!

But it was all a fantasy…

Sandra instead is married to Charles, and Keith is just the gardener….who does his work shirtless, of course. It’s illegal for gardeners to wear shirts!

Sandra confesses she’s been feeling like “out of body” lately, every since Charles gave her the book. The Lady Chatterley book that Charles got from the estate of Vera Montez, a former actress who spent the last 50 years studying the occult.

Wait, this romance novel is just a very long cake recipe!

Charles is too “busy” to have sex with her. So she goes to take a shower…and we know what happens in the shower…cleaning! Also self-pleasuring. But it’s very clean pleasure, lots of soap is used. We must be sanitary, it is flu season…

It’s another quiet night at home, Sandra reading the book once again and Charles hard at work on the laptop (I enjoy the multiple post-it notes on the laptop…very realistic, I see this all the time with guys Randy Spears age!) The doorbell rings, Sandra answers it and suddenly a young lady named Connie just walks into the house, asking for Charles and declaring that she’ll like living at the house. She’s carrying a packed suitcase.

It turns out…she’s the new maid! A live-in maid! That was a surprise from Charles! Sandra is like “WTF? Okay, whatever….” Sandra shows her to her room, and Connie immediately starts taking off her clothes! Because she’s going to change into her nightgown, she says… Sandra is once again like “WTF? Okay, whatever….” Then she goes back downstairs where Charles is hitting the drinks rather hard.

Even the open bar doesn’t make up for this film being Lady Chatterley’s Daughter…

Still via MTV video circa 1993.

Charles mentions that he wasn’t even thinking of hiring anyone, then suddenly he totally was and she came to his office asking for a job. Connie comes down to interrupt and Sandra gives her an attitude. Later Sandra and Charles sort of discuss the situation, and she realizes she doesn’t know what she wants. What she does want is a handful of sleeping pills to go with her alcohol, and soon she is conked out.

Charles and Connie chat, and this whole thing was all a scheme by Charles to move his mistress into the house so he can do her every night after Sandra sleeping pills her way asleep. Their plan is overheard by the gardener. Then Charles and Connie get it on, maid and guy who hired a maid style!

The next morning, Connie wakes Sandra by molesting her! Then Connie mentions she’s read Lady Chatterley before, and finds an inscription in the book that Sandra had never found! “To Vera from Joan”. Sandra calls her hubby with the news.

Keith has some flowers that need a vase…so the flowers aren’t wasted, you see… He’s totally not giving Sandra flowers in an attempt to move in on the situation. He talks sort of poetically. Keith and Connie have a conversation where he sort of implies he knows what is going on, but not so overtly he gives it away, but enough that she decides to seduce him anyway. So she does. And she makes herself have all sorts of extra work to clean up in the kitchen with the mess they make!

This book about green eggs and ham is really good, but it’s so long I’ve never finished it…

Old Erotica Paranormal Legal Department, Floyd speaking.

Wow, a restaurant set with extras and food and everything! Sandra meets her friend Sophia for lunch. Sophia is big on Tarot cards, so she uses them to help Sandra find out what the heck is going on. Obviously the ghost of Vera is haunting Sandra and she needs to get it on to temper the ghost… Sandra buys that tale, which Sophia dismisses as crazy once Sandra leaves. Sandra doesn’t even eat, she just runs off!

Sandra goes to see her hubby at work and demands more sex! So they have sex at work…

Sophia does more tarot and it tells her the ghost is real! But before she can call Sandra to warn her, the ghost warps in…it’s Connie! She’s really Vera Montez’s ghost! She put her spirit in the book, and now lives through the fantasies of those that read it. You would think if that was the goal, she’s inhabit a library copy so at least it would get checked out at times. Heck, nowadays you could haunt an erotic fiction website! 50ShadesOfGhost.com! Connie explains her seduction by seducing Sophia. I don’t want to spoil things, but it looks like Sophia is convinced. Maybe a few times…

Sandra goes home, it’s empty and she gets worried, calls Charles and he says he’ll stop by to check things out. Connie shows up, Sandra figures out that Connie’s the ghost of Vera very easily. Though Connie isn’t doing much to hide that fact. Connie/Vera says she’s just there to get the couple interested in each other again, then she wants to be passed on to one of Sandra’s hot friends…

Holy crap, this book is like a porno version of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants!

Totally authentic French maid costume.

This place is so hip, it only serves food in small paper form!

But first, Sandra must read the book while Connie aggressively touches her. Charles comes home, gets a warning phone call from Sophia, dismisses it, and then watches his wife and mistress get it on. After a while (a long long while), the two suggests he join in. Because it will help her spirit leave the house as a sexual exorcism – a sexorcism.

So that happens. And then at the end, Connie disappears….as does the book!

Hey, how can she pass on the book now?????

No “duh duh duh” song!!?! Grrr! That’s the best Fred Olen Ray movie song!

Blackjack! Oh, wait…

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