Pleasure Spa

2013
Written by Tim Sabo
Directed by Jim Wynorski (as Sam Pepperman)

This ain’t how you meditate!

Jim Wynorski gives us another Cinemax softcore role in the hay with Pleasure Spa! While sometimes Wynorski’s softcore films are creative (Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders), other times we get what looks to be a film scrambled together with funds leftover from other films (also known as this film!) For Pleasure Spa, the usual small budget is even tinier, and every location is at the same house, though there is the occasional effort made to try to make us think we’re somewhere else. Let’s just ignore that the front desk scenes are obviously shot in the kitchen. And police captains have offices that resemble a home office in a spare bedroom. Luckily it’s a pretty nice house, allowing for a lot of room variety, and has a pool, a waterfall feature, and a tennis court! I wonder if this was rented from the owner, or if it is a place you can pick up relatively cheap in the aftermath of the housing crash. Heck, maybe it’s Jim’s house!

As an odd feature, there is a random scene in Pleasure Spa that cranks up the creativity and hints more could be going on. But it’s not dwelt on at all, so in the end it just becomes a random aside that makes the rest of the film look even poorer. There are the classic Jim Wynorski camera angles that emphasize certain characters’ ample…gifts. We do have the familiar Wynorski music by Roobie Breastnut, including fan favorite PuSSy PuSSy BaNG BaNG (capitalization according to YouTube standards.)

And suddenly everyone watching at home forgives the lack of budget…

But, you say, who watches these films for the plots? It’s all about the skin game. While I agree that is the case for 99% of the audience, sometimes I want a little meat with my potatoes. And though some of these softcore films have a surprising amount to say, Pleasure Spa doesn’t expand from its small boundaries. What little it does say has been said many times before by better speakers. It also keeps me from typing up eight paragraphs about how this is an allegory about the Spanish Civil War. It turns out the only advantage is the skin game. Speaking of which, let’s go to the Roll Call:

Dusty (Cynthia Lucas) – The boss of the Happy Endings spa, which is not only a massage parlor, but a massage parlor where everyone gets a happy ending. It’s called truth in advertising, people! Shelly (Brandin Rackley) – One of the trained massage therapists at Happy Endings. A sadist at heart. Not too fond of doing desk duty. Lucky (Melessia Hayden as Melissa Jacobs) – One of the trained massage therapists at Happy Endings. Cammi (Raven Alexis) – The receptionist at Happy Endings, but not adverse to putting on her work uniform and massaging clients herself. Her work uniform being no clothes. Anita (Reena Sky) – One of the trained massage therapists at Happy Endings. Candy Conners (Heather Vandeven) – The new girl who is hired during the course of the film. Her uncle is Mayor Carl Sloane. Mike Mathis (Frankie Cullen) – Cop who frequents Happy Endings, and gets his partner Tommy Hall hooked on the parlor as well. This is bad, as it’s their job to bust the place! Frankie Cullen appears in this “new” film because it was filmed before he retired from these films in 2011. Tommy Hall (Tony Marino) – Oh. That guy. Client Number 1 (T.J. Cummings) – Client of Happy Endings who comes pretty regularly, and doesn’t seem to understand police tape. Has no real name so I just made one up. Captain Crane (Michael Swan) – Police captain who just wants to bust that darn Happy Endings because he hates them. Hates hates hates hates hates them! Mayor Carl Sloane (???) – Mayor Sloane has an unusually close relationship with his niece, which seems to result from his rather liberal views on sexuality.

It’s true, island biogeography can be applied to mountain tops, isolated valleys, even fenced off yards!

She’s going to take a big bite out of his nose…

Shelly helps Client Number 1 relieve tension by the waterfall, if you know what I mean. And you probably do.

Dusty checks with Cammi at the front desk (in the kitchen next to the stove) to make sure the days are packed with clients. Happy Endings Massage is a popular place, but there is a danger in being too popular. As in the mysterious car parked outside. Hmm…

Meditating client Mike works on loosening his jaw muscles with Lucky, to the tune of the “I Want Your Love” song. After he’s done being relaxed, he makes small talk at the front desk and heads home. But he does briefly drop a bag that a music flourish seems to think is important.

Candy Conners has 10 o’clock appointment with the cuddly sisters – Anita and Shelly – who aren’t really sisters. Way to spoil it for the customers, Cammi! Candy Conners is disappointed, but she still springs for the massage after getting a look at Anita and Shelly. The massage quickly turns into a fantasy lesbian threesome.

Two stoned guys in a home office…or the best detectives in town reporting for duty. You make the call!

Our milkshakes, better than yours? Of course!!!

Boss gives Cammi a package to mail, and then notices a sheriff’s star on the floor! There was a cop in the spa! Who could it be? Definitely not Mike, who dropped something on the ground that the music told us about. It must be Client Number 1. Candy wants to join up as a masseuse, Anita and Shelly tell her tomorrow is interview day and they’ll put in a good word for her.

The Captain dresses down the two cops Mike and Tommy. He wants Happy Endings shut down as an example to all the other massage parlors he’s not concerned with at the moment. His vendetta is simple – because he doesn’t like the name! Obviously there is no other crime going on in the city. Mike still wants to use the place for a bit so he isn’t stuck in a car all day watching other guys get massages. But that’s what he and Tommy end up doing.

Dusty relaxes in the hot tub with Shelly and Lucky. By relax I mean we got yet another female trio sex adventure set to “Hypnotica.”

Mike admits to Tommy Hall that he goes to Happy Endings and it totally rules, which is enough to convince Tommy to give it a spin. Especially since there are some brunettes. Especially brunette Cammi the receptionist, who Tommy requests for his massage. They “massage” to the Pussy Pussy Bang Bang song, so let’s all cheer for the Wynorski signature song! Woo-hoo!

Let me see them binoculers, Jerry!

Are Landau–Ginzburg theories really similar to sigma models on Calabi–Yau manifolds, or is the relationship more complex?

Shelly is annoyed that she has to watch the front desk while Cammi is busy. Poor Shelly. Dusty interviews Candy with some topless tennis….to the “Bounce Boobies” song. Needless to say, she gets the job.

Candy was hired just in time, as Mike wanders in and soon all three are getting it on on the tennis court to the “Power of the Pussy” song. Make your tennis jokes! It’s love-love on the court! Check out that backhand! There are balls in play! Tennis net! Okay, we’re out of tennis jokes.

Tommy loved his massage, so the two cops make appointments for the next day and try to scheme a way that Happy Endings can remain open.

Dusty warns to girls to be on the lookout for cops…and then all six girls hit the showers at the same time and make sure each other are clean. There is barely enough room for all of them in that tiny shower! Wynorski should have used that house Fred Olen Ray always uses that has the huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge shower. This is the most girls I’ve seen together in a shower cleaning each other that wasn’t a prison shower, so Pleasure Spa is setting records!

Simmer down now, simmer down!

Right afterwards, Shelly, Lucky, and Anita begin fighting over clients…and things get weird! Not because of the cat fight, but because Dusty then beams into the room and speaks with a Devil voice! She demands the girls do a penance…which is basically another word for lesbian threesome! Yes, even though they just got clean (though not too clean) they’re getting dirty again! No wonder they have so many clients, the hot water bill must be astronomical! As fun as this Dusty is the Devil thing is, it’s never mentioned again. A shame…

Captain yells at the cops again. He’s take them off the case, but there are no more actors for the film, so he has to relying on Mike and Tommy. Mike and Tommy decide that they have to warn the girls at Happy Endings….after their next massages…

But during the massages the Captain stops by and Shelly lets slip that the two are upstairs with masseuses. He goes up and busts them! Captain gives the women 48 hours to vacate the premises and shut down. That’s pretty generous, I guess he didn’t want to arrest anyone because the owner of the home wouldn’t let them convert the backyard shed into a makeshift jail.

Some say my glass is half-full. It’s the same people who say I’m getting a massage and not prostitution.

The girls talk about plans for the future and how they don’t want to leave because Dusty takes care of them better than anywhere else. Candy reveals her uncle is the mayor, a mayor who likes big gazongas, and that Dusty is just his type.

So Dusty should totally date him!

And she does.

We found the script in the backseat of the van. Frankie spilled his coffee on page 3.

Client Number 1 just wanders under the police tape and gets a massage from Candy.

Dusty takes the mayor back to the hot tub for his massage. Captain Crane marches in to shut the place down…but the mayor says no way, the place stays open, and it will give the cops and firefighters free massages once a week! And Captain Crane is fired! And Dusty is the new sheriff! Wow, wait until the city council hears about this!

Captain Crane storms off. Everyone celebrates by getting naked!

As fun as getting buck wild and buck naked is, Pleasure Spa ends up being too by the numbers in general, and hampered by the low budget. The small creative flurry is a hint of what could have been, but we have to deal with what we got. And what we got doesn’t register a rewatch. Those who watch these films for a certain reason will be happy, but the rest of us should stick to things with a little more substance.

Our script had THREE pages??? So many…

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