Tuesday Never Comes

Directed by Jason Holt
This is going to be a review that begs for the angry comment. Once I misinterpreted a character’s inflection in Beauty and The Boss (1932) over at my blog and I got a three paragraph response which basically called me an Obama/Bush-loving atrocity-condoning socialist.

I need that here. I need someone to point out to me what actually happens in Tuesday Never Comes and I need them to do it quick because this may be a wholly inaccurate review and I’ll never know about it. Then again, anyone else watching may come across a different interpretation by design; maybe this movie is whatever you want it to be.

The reason for the confusion is that a good three quarters of the dialogue in this film is muffled beyond recognition. The other quarter is either screamed or comes from a man who has what can generously be called ‘the fakest Irish accent in the world’. By comparison he makes Chief O’Hara sound vaguely Russian.

Zack (Jason Holt) – You know the leprechaun who shills for Lucky Charms cereal? Now imagine someone made a movie about him where he’s an assassin who’s into dirty sex and crack cocaine. Not enough for you? Now imagine he’s played by the guy who directed the film, so his performance is completely uninhibited. Scary, right? Mecelli (Erik Estrada) – Estrada is in full scenery chewing mode as he pretty much plays Robert DeNiro in The Untouchables; hell, he even kills a goon with a sporting implement, though here it’s a golf club. He also enjoys the company of women, running drugs, rubbing guns up and down, and laughing maniacally. Michelle (Karen Black) – Cross eyed, Academy Award nominee Karen Black needs some money to satisfy her crack habit, so she sleeps around to get it. And I presume that’s what her character is doing in the film as well.

The plot of Tuesday Never Comes deals with a lot of plot strands. We get planes landing, cars pulling into places, and people digging holes.

The holes are for Mecelli’s victims. He’s a movie gangster, who gets his money by having people sell drugs while he sits in an office looking smug. We see quite a bit of his operation, including their cocaine filing system with free samples for employees. Always a good plan.

He also runs a nightclub and a prostitution racket, and here’s where Michelle comes in. She’s a nightclub singer (who sounds dubbed since I can actually make out most of the words of her song) and loves her addictive substances. She and Mecelli have a relationship of some sort, which is where Zack comes in.

Luckily, black people mill about in alleys to sell crack cocaine all the time.

Zack is the Irish hitman working for Mecelli who feels he should be paid more for his work. The only problem is that every time he asks about it, Mecelli asks him to come back on Tuesday. New business week, and all that.

But Zack can’t wait for Tuesday. He keeps bugging Mecelli, and so he ends up in a coffin, buried in a hole with a tube as his only way to breathe. Pretty scary situation, right?

But he escapes. Actually, Zack’s friend finds him in a duffel bag nowhere near where or how he was buried, and they escape together. With his Irish pals, Zack breaks into Mecelli’s hideout and kidnaps Michelle. They then proceed to break into a room filled with dirt and get high on crack cocaine while making passionate love.

And I can’t unsee a minute of it.

Yeah, Erik, we get it, you like penises.

Zack becomes a crack addict as people tend to do, so instead of being a highly paid assassin, he decides to take Michelle slumming for crack. They find it, but once a disagreement about pricing arises, he murders a black gang and several police officers to boot. Michelle is injured in the crossfire, and dies in the grasp of Zack and, mostly, crack cocaine.

Meanwhile, the FBI is investigating Mecelli’s businesses, and plan to take him down. This all comes to a head on a Monday when Zack and the FBI both attack Mecelli’s gathering filled with prostitutes. A massive gun battle ensues, and the film finishes with it’s best scene: Mecelli and Zack, on fire, punching each other. I’m glad they ended it there, since we can presume that everyone died and nothing of any value was lost.

The end.

Up above I complained about the audio issues, but I’m still reviewing the film regardless. That’s because the lines from the movie that I could make out were along these lines:

“You know, sometimes you make me happy, and sometimes you make me sad.”

“They’re all scum, sir.”
“But look at this scum’s knockers!”

“I want them caught doing something incredibly illegal.”

“I won’t hurt you. I have a soft spot in my heart for gangster ladies.”

“Find this guy, and kill the living shit out of him!”

“Come by! Don’t worry about it! Come by! Tuesday!”

“Who filed the coke under ‘D’? That makes no sense AT ALL.”

Getting through Tuesday Never Comes is like watching someone else play Grand Theft Auto with busted speakers. There’s some guy running around, a bunch of gimmicky stereotypes flung every where, and you feel kind of empty when it’s over.

Frankly, it’s hard to believe even Karen Black was ever this hard up for work. Erik Estrada… yeah, I could see that.

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If, for some reason, you desire to see this film for yourself, or wish to leave an angry comment about my review but need to watch the movie first, here is the film, free and full, on YouTube. It’s currently got about 1,900 views, but I can’t imagine most of them made it through. May God have mercy on your soul.