Cougar School

2009
Written by Ellis Walkerson
Directed by Demitri Nessun

Great, I forgot my Cougar Trigonometry homework again…

There is a lot going on Cougar School beyond just your normal late night Cinemax softcore romp. How much of that is intentional and how much of it just sprung up out of my head is probably up to debate. But it’s going to get covered here regardless, because that’s how we roll at TarsTarkas.NET! Cougar School gets the term in its name from the older woman who date much younger men. But there is only one cougar in Cougar School, and she’s more of a cougar gold digger, looking for young rich men. Of course, this is due to an age issue of its own, she was dumped by her husband for a younger woman. Even more ironically, the Stepmom was herself the younger woman that broke up the husband’s prior marriage.

One interesting thing is actresses who are real life porn starlets degrading characters who are porn starlets in the film. The characters seem like they’ve become mouthpieces denouncing the very thing the actors saying the statements are. The association isn’t that having sex for money is bad, but being unselective in who you have sex with for money is the problem. Going out and seducing millionaires is better than being a porn star, and you can only seduce millionaires of a certain age limit, as Mammary Lane is also degraded for her attempted marriage to an 85 year old. It is an unspoken rule that you can’t be too greedy. There is a line, an invisible line, that must not be crossed. Mammary Lane crosses this line, and she must be punished. It isn’t about strict morals, it’s about going to far.

Before we begin, we need to chalk it up…

Stepmom doesn’t even get a name in the entire film. She doesn’t even need a name, she becomes a concept, beyond the person. She’s everyone’s stepmom, everyone’s gold digger, everyone’s cougar. She’s everyone who’s had to struggle, but had one asset that landed them on easy street, with the constant fear that they might go back to scraping and struggling. She’s also sympathetic, especially when compared to the new gold digger in town. The one painted as bad, because instead of enjoying her new found wealth she plans on squandering it. It’s responsible cougarism that is the goal here. While the film doesn’t try to paint Stepmom as an angel (Karen flatly states that she broke up her parents’ marriage), Mammary Lane is clearly the villain. Stepmom has the wisdom of time guiding her to a more moral choice, while Mammary Lane is still in the trenches, stabbing everything she can. The air of some sort of moral class warfare hangs heavy over Cougar School. What is the lesson that we should learn from class? And can anyone pay attention with all the naked nudity???

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While writer Ellis Walkerson has no other credits, director Demitri Nessun is credited with some episodes of Co-Ed Confidential and the humorous softcore thriller Naked Lust, which has gotten some positive reviews, making it stand above its generic title. Nessun seems like he’s unwilling to just give us a standard boring flick, and wants to do more. What is also interesting is this might be a spinoff of the softcore series Co-Ed Confidential, as both Michelle Maylene and Brandon Ruckdashel play characters with the same name on that show.

They invested all their money in Bitcoins. Even we aren’t that desperate!

Karen (Michelle Maylene) – Young college student still finding her way in the world, but pretty sure the way she wants isn’t the way to the poorhouse. But will the way of love be stronger? Or will the way of the cougar be too much of a lure? Is dating Zack at the beginning of the flick, when she finds out her father is leaving her Stepmom for an awful woman. Karen’s Stepmom (Sydnee Steele) – Stepmom broke up Karen’s parents’ marriage, but now is facing her husband running off with another woman. I think Justin Timberlake had a song about this… In any event, in order to secure her future, Stepmom must now bag a young rich stud. Or try to repair her marriage. Whatever’s sexier! Zack (Brandon Ruckdashel) – Remember in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation when Clark put up a bajillion bulbs on the outside of his house? Well, imagine which one of those is the dimmest and you get Zack. Good natured, Zack won’t be the latest dotcom mogul, but he does love Karen. Mammary Lane (Persia Pele) – Former porn star turned home-wrecking gold digger. She was going to marry an 85yr old billionaire, but he died at the altar. Now she has her eyes set on Karen’s Dad….’s pocketbook! Unless she can land a bigger fish! Karen’s Father (Randy Spears) – Karen’s totally stable good influence father, who keeps running off with upgrade wives. This time he’s gone too far. Susan (India Summer) – Karen’s friend from way back in her camper lesbian experimentation days. Susan needs a place to stay, and Karen is happy to oblige on the final days before they get kicked out as well. Juan (Jarod Diamond) – Susan’s ex-boyfriend, though they seem to have feelings for each other. Will these two lovebirds get back together?

Hi, I’m here to deliver a cease and desist on behalf of all cougars everywhere…

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Karen takes her boyfriend Zack to her Stepmom’s place, but Stepmom ain’t home, so it’s sex time! Afterwards, Karen is unsure of the direction of their relationship, while Zack is eager for more sex and runs to the kitchen to get more props, thus Stepmom comes home as he runs back naked and everyone is embarrassed. Oh, Zack.

Stepmom is upset and needs to talk. But it’s not about Karen’s sexual shenanigans, it’s about Karen’s father and Stepmom’s husband. He’s met someone. A new upgrade wife. Former porn star Mammary Lane. Who is set to marry Dad without a prenup and suck him dry. We meet Mammary Lane in action, as one of her porn videos are played so the film that throw in an extra softcore scene. Mammary is learning her billiards game…except I don’t think that’s a pool stick!

Stepmom demands to know if she really loves Zack and if she can stand being poor with Zack. Basically condemning a life with Zack as a life on welfare and living in the slums. Karen says she doesn’t love Zack, but he overhears and storms off. Stepmom declares Karen is now in Cougar College and will go with her to the hunting grounds to land a rich man.

I’m gonna kick Courteney Cox’s butt!

Bartender, I’ll take a lesbian romantic subplot on the rocks, hold the threesome!

Stepmom is the wise sage here prepping the young Karen for the tough realities of life. The philosophy of TANSTAAFL, no free lunches. But it is an extreme philosophy. There is no room for being a middle class, young people in love scenario. You are either rich, part of the 1%, or you are nothing, no one, doomed to work yourself to death and die horribly. The key to joining the 1% is to land the right sucker with your magical vagina. What is odd is the emphasis of cougarism, the cougar is the older woman with the younger man. The opposite of the traditional upgrade wife. The equality is the fact the older woman can land a young hot dude with lots of cash. The Web 2.0 culture has made young millionaires seem commonplace, the media popularization of cougars as a thing has made the concept valid. The scenario seems plausible, even if very unlikely.

At the bar, Stepmom gives pointers on how to hunt and who to hunt (all interspersed with stock footage of cougars stalking prey and wildebeests standing around. Lazy wildebeests, be less lazy!) Stepmom instantly scores a guy named James Milton III, who is dressed to the nines and has a legacy name. As we’re waaaaay to early in the film for there to be resolution, we know the III in James Milton III is probably his bank account’s sum.

As Stepmom goes off to get chlorinated by what turns out to be a pool cleaner, Karen bumps into her old friend Susan tending bar (the two were counselors at Camp Crystal Lake together…) Susan just returned from a trip to Mexico where she met the love of her life, Juan, and then they drifted apart. But not so apart that he can’t be working in the kitchen, because he is. Karen invites them to stay at Stepmom’s house, at least for the next few days until the divorce goes through and the house becomes Mammary Lane’s.

Karen and Susan experiment in the pool (and later the bedroom in a scene set as a centerpiece/signature scene!), while Juan makes eyes at Stepmom, they both get drunk as Stepmom laments her looks fading and him claiming he’s selfish. Soon they’re getting it on as well.

Looks like school’s out for summer!

33% of the scenes in this film take place at a random bar!

Zack meets with one of Karen’s friends Randall and asks how to be rich. Zack is now a man, accepting that he has to take responsibility if he wants to get the woman he loves. After some discussion suddenly Zack is going to be hooked up with some older women to have sex with them for lots of money, something Zack seems unaware that he’s going to be doing. Oh, Zack!

We also see how happy Dad is with his new fiancee/porn star/homewrecker in a sex sequence. We also learn how she hates the word “prenup” when she hears it in a phone conversation. This woman is more transparent than the Invisible Woman during National Invisible Day.

Dad has come to report his impending nuptials and the house is going to be sold. Stepmom makes sniping remarks but also is concerned that Dad is happy and that the new wife loves him for him and not his money. Dad seems to think this is so, because he labors under the power of self-delusion. Karen and Stepmom know better, and begin to hatch a desperate plan to save the day.

Zack begins his servicing career with a romp with Michelle Lay – and afterwards he finds out how cold things are. She gets nervous when she finds out this was set up by her son Randall (she was a substitute for the original cougar!) and she gives him a stack of cash to keep it on the hush-hush.

Funny how the most dangerous predator isn’t a cougar…

Suddenly we’re on Lifetime Movie Network!

Operation Mammary Lane begins. The plan is to dress up Juan as a sheik, the firstborn son of the Sultan of Brunei, and say he’s due to inherit $100 trillion. Because Mammary Lane is dumber than a wet bag of low IQ hammers, she’s instantly tricked and sets out to seduces the Saltine of Brunswick and his oil fields in Middle Earth.

Luckily they’re at the same hotel as Zack, so he gets caught up while the seduction and trapping is happening. During all this time and adventures, Karen has had time to think about her life and what she wants. And what she really wants is Zack, and she’s willing to live in a crappy apartment and work ten jobs to do so. But luckily he has a stack of cash and they’re just about to save Stepmom and Dad’s marriage, so it’s all gravy!

Hey, it’s me, the hunky young guy. Will I have sex with Stepmom? Of course!

Billionaire Arabs really dress like this. It’s a FACT!

The wedding is called off once the photos are shown to Dad. All of the couples get back together: Zack and Karen, Susan and Juan, and Stepmom and Dad. It’s the happiest ending you ever did see! Love has conquered all, and getting comforts in life is the bonus prize thanks to everyone being properly respectful of the rich person they are mooching off of. Stepmom gets her sense of security back, Karen and Zack get a backup plan when they go out in the world and fail, Susan and Juan also have a nice place to stay for little money so they can save at an accelerated pace. Everything is fine until the historically wandering eyes of Dad wander upon the next set of mammaries that shake in a way his money fancies. But that’s a tale for another day. Or a class for Cougar Grad School!

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